I'm paying for this relationship financially, is it fair?

I've been dating my boyfriend for a month now. We were really good friends for 3 months before that. He told me that he works for his dad's construction company and that he gets called in when they need help. He used to work about 4 days a week and talk about how he always treats and pays for his friends when they go out. However, after we started dating, he has been working less and less and now he's flat out broke and doesn't work at all. Apparently his dad hasn't been calling him in to work, so now he doesn't do anything but eat a lot and play games and sleep all day. The first date we went on (he was still working) I paid everything except the movie tickets. From then on, it's been only me paying for stuff. We decided to get a hotel for our first time and I paid for that too. This is getting really expensive for me, but he knows that I make good money at work because I'm an engineer. The thing is, if I'm not paying, we don't go out at all because he's broke. He's not the romantic kind that can think of things to do that doesn't involve money, so he doesn't do anything at all. He's going back to school next year, so he'll be getting financial aid, but I don't expect him to be using that on a date with me. Of course he wants to hang out.. And go back to the hotel again and stuff.. But the only way we can do that is if I pay. I asked him what we're going to do to hang out if we can't do the hotel thing.. Or go out on a date.. And he said he didn't know. What am I supposed to do? I like this guy, but I like to be taken care of once in a while too. Money isn't everything and I don't wanna feel shallow, but I feel like he isn't putting in any effort just because he's broke and I don't think that's fair. What do I do? Please help. By the way, I'm 25 and graduated from college with a job. He's 22, was in the military, trying to go to college soon.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • If we could ignore the money for a moment - it's a red herring, a distraction from what's really going on... the real sickness = he's a spoiled rotten, bum... even baby.
    If you were important, he'd be off his butt getting work so he could have/pay for more time with you.
    Eating all day, games, sleeping is "all about me" ... if you wanted a pet cat, you'd BUY one & would be cheaper & with fewer expectations.
    Sorry, time to move out, move on & shop for someone MOTIVATED and enthusiastic to BE with YOU

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What Guys Said 9

  • Seems like you got yourself a loser and your enabling the situation. He can get his lazy ass up and try to do ANYTHING you think is sweet. He is enjoying the meal ticket pass you have given him and is charging it until you revoke it from him. Start doing things at home and tell him to get a real job, working for daddy is never the answer and he must not be that good at it if his own father doesn't want to hire him of to work with him. No work no school, living at home? Let his daddy take care of the boy and go find a real man.

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  • well he is broke, so he can't really contribute to the relationship financially. if you aren't comfortable with that then you should probably tell him that you would the two of you to figure out things to do that involve spending less money... maybe hanging out at one or the other's house instead of a hotel, perhaps finding free to cheap dates to go on

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  • Well, men have the same problems with women for centuries.
    #equality

    In any case, you can come clean and talk to him about the situation. If it fails, well, move on.

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    • Yeah, on behalf of the girls that use guys like this - I'm sorry. It's not right. A relationship should be just about 50/50. Heck its not about the money or going out or the other crap at all but about how much effort and thought you put into making the other person feel loved and wanted. That's the main thing, and so many people these days don't know that.

  • No he could at least get another job to help pay for stuff thats just sad really

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  • I ended up in this situation in an LTR. It among other things combined to end the relationship.

    If he was busting his butt going to job interviews, that would be something, but sitting around the house doing sweet FA is not good enough.

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  • I think he should of payed more when he was working , you are a good girl for paying for everything. But now he has no job and your still paying that is not fair on you. Stop paying stuff for him and tell him get a job or try looking for one.

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  • Tell him no more of anything until he seeks part time or full time employment.

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  • You should not use the term "fair" here because it comes off as very disingenuous coming from a woman in the context of this particular subject.

    Welcome to the world of "gender equality". If we could count all the relationships in the US today in which one partners is financially dependent on the other, yours would be in the minority by far in terms of gender balance. If we are ever going to see anything resembling gender fairness we need to end this type of bias.

    That said, it's a fact that men have to be providers if they are ever going to have any hope of being successful in a relationship and you're doing him no favors by enabling his irresponsibility. For his sake (not yours), I think you should demand he start pulling his own weight.

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  • Yup^

    Not just that, but enthusiastic about what will be required of him to provide for possibly a family, or long term relationship. And about life in general having goals, accomplishing them, getting raises, etc.

    I was all about me in mine, but when I got engaged (to a now ex) I doubled my efforts, got an even better job, stopped petty buying for myself, because at some point if things are growing you've got to make decisions that are not just in your interest but you're partners.

    If you love and care for him I'd at least try to communicate my needs first. If he bucks, or is appalled then you bail asap in my op, oh and don't let him say yeah I'll start looking or something where he can drag his feet and maintain.

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    • To be honest, the thing that pissed me off is his responses to asking what we could do to hang out.. He always says "I don't know, we can't do this cuz I'm broke" and I'm over here suggesting to go to the park just to spend time with each other. Lol you can perfectly go on a date without needing to spend money.. It's how you look at it, but he doesn't even want to try or attempt to think of anything. Thanks for answering to you all. I already knew my answer, but I wanted to make sure that I was being fair.

    • If you've communicated to the best of your ability don't try to talk yourself into thinking "well maybe one day he'll get it" lol I did that plenty and I still got dumped haha. If you've seriously communicated your needs about his effort in his own life as it would directly impact you if you were to stay together. Then walk. And if he doesn't wanna spend time in public, he's just not interested. I know I constantly was trying to get mine out and about anything, spending money or not... She'd rather sit at home, or do chores.

What Girls Said 5

  • assuming he is in his mid to end 20s and lives a lazy life like that is just a complete turn off and no go.
    he should feel embarassed or sorry for always making you spend money on him. that's how i felt on the early stages of living with my fiance. even though i'm abroad i got a job and were finally able to spend money on him as well.

    unless you feel like he's worth it, there's not really much to stay with him. i mean, money shouldn't be a problem, but is he worth it? can you imagine marrying this guy in the future? if not then let it go

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  • omg whyyyyyy? are you fat or something? only obese women would even consider doing this. even if you are fat, its better to just be single than bankroll a nigga. come on. this guy is using you. you are a trick!! no real man with pride would feel good about his woman having to financially support him. if he really wanted to date and impress you then he would bust his ass and get money some kind of way to take you out. y'all don't have to go to a fancy restaurant but he could pay for applebees or something IF HE LIKED YOU. this guy is not ready to be a man. he's using you because you're lonely and available. if you stopped paying for his attention you're afraid hed stop hanging out with you. just drop him and find a real man

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    • Lol I'm sorry, your post is ridiculous and it made me laugh. Are you blonde? Because you should reread my question. Nothing I said leads to any of the conclusions you made. I dated him cuz we were very close friends and he had his life together then. He does spend a lot of time with me, we just don't go out cuz he's broke since he stopped working this past month. No one knows the people they date until they start dating them and take time to get to know them. It just so happens I chose wrong this time and wanted to make sure I wasn't being shallow since it centered around money - something girls like you would have no problem dumping a guy over. There's more to life than money for me. Lol your reply sounds more like a 16 year old response than a 25-29 year old. The I is strong with this one.

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    • Again, you misunderstood. He didn't say no to the park, he just didn't think of it. No effort in thinking... He said yes -_- he just doesn't come up with date ideas and goes along with whatever I want to do. There's nothing romantic about that. And honestly, please reread your post, you sound really stuck up and I'm not the only one who thinks that based on the down votes. Maybe you shouldn't be giving advice until you learn some decency and manners.

    • women who don't know their worth always think confident women are stuck up. im not surprised about the downvotes. because I advocate that women be confident and raise their standards that makes a lot of user creep guys and lame girls disagree with me. that's ok at least im not getting smutted out in hotels by guys who wouldn't hang out with me in public. but keep getting defensive. you'll learn the hard way that this guy isn't interested in you for anything more than a roll in a motel 6

  • You should try and figure something out if you are not comfortable help him get a well payed job or do something to get the stress off u
    I'm sure he would say something if it was the other way round
    Make sure your comfortable

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  • he's using you for sex and money, he even said it himself he wants to do the hotel thing for the sex but if not then he doesn't know if he wants to go on a date or hang out instead. drop him he's a waste of space people should pay half each for dates and if someones broke then they should think of something free to do together and hanging out is free and he refuses to do that. if this was a girl all the guys would be calling her a gold digger but because its a guy theyre defending him

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  • Do you like him?

    You have a good job. If you really like him, paying is no issue. If there are differences between what you value in life, it can be off putting. If you aren't really that into him, it's possible that you're latching onto this issue because of that.

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