Am I a complete jerk?

When I date people, sometimes I get really bored or I feel like we would just be better off as friends, but I don't want to hurt their feelings, so I start making them think that they want to break up. Basically, I start asking them "why are you so distant lately" etc. not exactly picking fights but I guess kind of manipulating them into thinking that it was their idea to break up so I don't crush them out of the blue. In a way, am I being kind of thoughtful because I don't want them to be as hurt, or am I a complete jerk for doing so? I'm an honest person, it's not like I lie to them or pull crazy stuff.

  • You are a complete jerk
    29% (2)56% (9)48% (11)Vote
  • You aren't that bad
    29% (2)25% (4)26% (6)Vote
  • You shouldn't feel bad about it
    42% (3)19% (3)26% (6)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
Updates:
I have to clarify: I have done this probably 2-3 times. the first time I did it, the guy was violent, and I was afraid that he would try and hurt me if I confronted him about it. so I made him think I wasn't worth the time and effort so it would just fade away and i could avoid a potentially harmful situation. and it did.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Honestly, its fucked up to an extent. But ur obviously a smart girl. If it keeps them from hurting ur doing the right thing in my opinion. I think its a great idea. Dont feel bad about it. Just dont use ur amazing brain and skills to hurt people. But honestly, cheers to u foreal

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What Guys Said 9

  • You're manipulating them into breaking up with you, so you don't have to take responsibility. It's a bit of a jerk move. Crafty, but jerky. Hell, I admitted it, some guys do it too, in a different way. You could always just be upfront & honest with them about why you're not into them anymore. Just saying.

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  • You're not that bad, but let's not pretend you're doing this out of the kindness of your heart. You're doing it out of a degree of selfishness because you don't want have to get into any sort of confrontation. At the end of the day you are manipulating somebody for reasons that don't have anything to deal with their own good. You could just as easily kindly sit down with them and tell them that you don't feel it was going anywhere and you'd prefer to just be friends. Explain that you understand if they don't want to and that it wasn't an easy decision you came to lightly but you are sure that's where you stand. It would be the right thing to do, but it would also require a degree of courage and maturity you don't yet possess.

    That's not to say you can't do that, or that you're less of a person for not doing it, but merely that you probably wouldn't even be asking this question if you didn't have a sense for the very real probability that there is SOMETHING wrong about what you're doing. You can try to rationalize it, but deep down you know, and that's why you're here asking for confirmation. You're capable of doing better by them than this.

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  • That is tough because your intentions are to try and not hurt them, but I think it is better to be honest then to try to use subtle things to convince them it is their idea. Yes that will make it easier on you, but it will mess with their heads for future relationships and if you get bored that is fine, but let them know you just aren't feeling it anymore I think its better to be blunt and honest

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  • Oh my god, this is a whole new level of genius. For real that is brilliant. I must try this. Don't feel bad you are doing the right thing you sexy evil genius haha

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  • I believe a lot of women does that when they get in to the situation like Yours.

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  • you are not a jerk, but a liar 😂

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  • You are only hurting yourself and when you finally find a guy you really like it will be a guy that will be hurting you in almost the same way.

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  • I wouldn't want to feel manipulated... btw, you should get yourself like, checked on that "I get bored when I'm in a relationship" shit...

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    • yeah ok but to be honest, it's not the relationship thing that bores me, it's the person that bores me. I just got out of a long relationship (it was over a year) so I don't really think commitment is the issue here :)

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    • actually, the person that I was in a long-term relationship with is a different guy than the one I got bored with. don't make assumptions.

    • I'm just sayin'

  • Someone came from the Evil Bitch Factory.

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    • hey opinion owner: I hope you detected my sarcasm, unlike our friend over here. I know what I did wasn't probably the greatest way of handling it... if I thought it was, do you really think i'd be asking the question online

    • Yes, I detected your sarcasm

What Girls Said 3

  • Nope, you're being a jerk. Be up front and honest, don't manipulate someone into thinking they're doing something they aren't or that they are to blame for the break-up. Own up to how you feel and have the decency to not play games with people.

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    • ok, so maybe "manipulate" isn't the best word, because literally all I do is start hinting at it. I don't do this to every single person, but I have done it a couple times in the past. for a majority of the time, I'm straight up with people, so it's kind of awkward to claim I don't own up to how I feel since I do probably 90% of the time

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    • @Asker No, but it can & at times will show character markers. My comment stands.

    • yes, except nowhere was I ever dishonest. I wasn't upfront in a situation which could've been harmful to me as an individual if I had been. the other time, ok sure I should've been more upfront. so i'm kind of confused as to what you're trying to say about my character.

  • Yikes, that is kind of fakkked up though like why even be in a relationship then? How would you feel if it was done to you? It wouldn't feel good, no one wants to be led on and then dropped like that. It isn't fair for them even if you're trying to let them down easy. You're not a complete jerk but isn't nice that you're doing that. :/

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    • well, the first time I did it, the guy was violent, and I was afraid that he would try and hurt me if I confronted him about it. so I made him think I wasn't worth his time anymore, hence avoiding a potentially harmful situation. I don't really believe I was leading him on in that situation

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    • oh don't worry you're totally fine! being honest is good. I just wanted to explain my situation a bit more

    • Cool cool well at least you came to the right site to get you're story out :)

  • You're not a horrible person... but that's kind of immature, and sorry, but a bit cowardly. If you don't want to see someone anymore, be an adult about it and let them know face to face. Don't deceive, or make it confusing.

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    • yeah, you're right. plus it is kind of scary to hurt people's feelings, because I'm one of those people who never wants to hurt someone that I consider a friend, even though the truth would be best at times.

    • I understand, I've felt the same way. It hurts either way, though, and I think I should at least do right by that person.

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