Do guys get scared away from the words "serious relationship"?

I've been dating a guy I met online for 3 months. On Saturday I "broke up" with him as I didn't get the impression he was putting very much effort into us. While our dates were so much fun, mainly, he would always text for small talk in between and never call. I brought this up a few times, how I would prefer to have convos over the phone (well, Skype since he doesn't have phone minutes), but he generally evaded the question. Finally, I got sick of it after I didn't hear from him for 10 days and he texted me, asking how I was, instead of calling! I said I wasn't looking for a casual or a texting relationship. I was looking for a serious relationship.

I didn't expect him to respond, but he replied that he didn't think I was making an effort, which wasn't exactly motivating for him. We talked it out over e-mail then met for dinner on Sunday. The first thing he said when he sat down though was that he wasn't looking for something serious.

I said I didn't mean something serious tomorrow. I meant I was open to the idea of something developing and I was not expecting it, but not closing it off. He said he was looking for a relationship but didn't say whether he was open to it possibly progressing. Regardless, he later said he really liked me, and we got back together.

Last night, we talked on Skype and he immediately asked me out for the soonest available day. Later in our convo, I asked him to clarify what he thought I meant by "serious relationship" and he mentioned feeling pressured for marriage in the future. (I am waiting for marriage to have sex -- personal and religious decision). I said no! I'm just not ruling out that possibility. I don't have any expectations, He said he didn't see the point in marriage really. So I asked if he thinks that's what I want, then why are we together then! By this time, it was late and we were both tired so we ended the convo.

Now I feel very confused and wonder if we should just break up. Why is he even dating me then?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You guys are after different things. Did he know before these conversations that you were after something serious, and did you know he wasn't? Did he know you were chaste?

    A serious relationship does not make all men run. Some of us want a steady relationship with that one special woman. We do not want to rush into it (notice he felt pressured for marriage!) because we want to make sure you really are the one we want to be with. And yeah, some guys just want to date and not get serious yet, and that's okay too. But both parties need to make their intentions clear!

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    • He knew I was chaste early on. And that my point. I don't know yet if I want something serious with him yet, but I'm not ruling out the possibility. I am fine with dating and not getting serious yet... but I don't think he believes me. Should I bring it up again, drop it for a while or just break up?

    • Hang on, you said you don't know if you want anything serious with him yet, but in your question you said you were! Or do you want something serious, but not with him?

      If you aren't sure where it's going *yet* is there any harm in continuing until you figure it out, one way or the other? I don't think there is, but I do think you need to either drop it or resolve it once and for all.

    • Yes, I wish I could eat my words. Instead of saying I was looking for "a serious relationship", I wish I had said "boyfriend" (as opposed to a texting buddy).

      I want to continue dating him as I enjoy our time together. But if he is closed off to it potentially or ever leading into something more, then I don't want to (potentially) open my heart up to someone who isn't willing to do the same or is going in this with a partially closed heart.

What Guys Said 3

  • Generally speaking, guys who want a serious relationship are attracted to those words, guys who aren't aren't.

    You're running perhaps into additional friction if he's not waiting for marriage for sex.

    That would tell me you either wanted a serious relationship, or had a seriously lower sex drive than me... because if i was waiting for sex and single, i'd be wife hunting. Now.

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  • That sounds familiar. I had one going with a gal I had hung out with a couple of times that looked as if it could be much more than just friendship. But when things were looking extremely promising, she just cuts contact without warning. I wanted a serious relationship but meh. It's just frustrating as hell. And I wouldn't run, but put my best foot forward to make it work.

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  • Guys typically don't get scared. Some girls and guys don't want serious relationships for whatever reasons. In western society, it's becoming really bad in terms of dating and marriage that I wouldn't blame them if they were, but no.

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What Girls Said 2

  • you guys are not on the same page nor are progressing at the same speed, as often happens between men and women. Us women always want something way too soon, too early for a guy. Youve only been dating for 3 months. Everyone is different on where they are when dating. Some take a month some take years. Men are never at the same speed as women when it comes to relationships.
    he's dating you because he likes you and is enjoying your company. he's not looking into the future like you are. he's simply living in the moment.
    Try if you can to be real patient and if you are having a great time dating him continue to do so and let things progress naturally.

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  • Guys that want something serious, want something serious. Guys that don't, like him, don't. It's no different to girls. He's just not looking for that right now, so you're just looking in the wrong place for anything serious. Find some other guy who is, or wait for god knows how long for this guy. If I were you, I'd just move on, don't put everything into a guy who's putting nothing on you.
    Just ask from the start if you don't want to waste time. There are millions of guys, especially our age group, who are looking for something more serious, so it's not like he's your only hope.
    Have fun with him while you wait for Mr right, move on and step up the search for Mr right, or just forget it and hope he might maybe become Mr right.

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