Guy's take on "the relationship talk"?

So the guy that I am seeing and I are both going to our respective hometowns over Christmas and last night I said that I was going to miss sex for three weeks. He said "Maybe you could find someone in..." I replied, "No." He asked, "Why?" and I said I didn't want to. I asked him if he was going to find someone when he went home and he sounded quite shocked and said, NO!"

A bit after he was talking about things that we will do after Christmas and said, "We aren't official but I like this. We both can do our own thing/have our own lives and see each other." I agreed with him that I like having my own life but I also like seeing him. I brought up my deal breaker and said, Nothing has to change with us but my thing is if you sleep with other people -that's it. Over" And he said, "I'm not."
Then he invited himself to stay over -something that has only happened once before.

It might sound stupid but on his part was that the "relationship talk" or and I just reading too much into it? Also if that was the "talk", from a guy's perspective does it seem reasonable?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I would say that the "maybe you could find somebody else" while your away line was a serious test from him. He was testing your commitment to him. You said no, and he'd be well happy with that. If he says too much to you he runs the risk of scaring you off, but that line and that answer would have meant so much to him. And then spending the night with you speaks volumes. He's well into you.

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What Guys Said 9

  • A lot of posturing going on here
    you want a monogamist deal with more frequent hands-on solutions
    that he won't give,
    keeping his hormones free to roam at will but
    has not yet allowed them and if he ever does
    will never confess to you, as the punishment is being banned.. implied at first, now you've stated it as ultimatum (the act of desperation)
    His new advancement is about his hormones, again ignoring the monogamy

    So lots of dialogue that's not in step with actions taken thus far.

    If separation is in the cards, you're better off NOT fighting a work around, instead SHOP around for someone more attracted to you & YOUR idea of monogamy without so much yakyakyak and actions demonstrating wanting to be with only you.

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  • That wasn't a "talk". That was an ultimatum by you that he agreed with. A talk is two people actually talk through a situation and come to an agreement together.

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  • you obviously want more. He likes not being committed, and knows you want to be exclusive now. If he sees potential in your future together he will ask to make you his gf, but if not he'll leave it where you stand.

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  • No, this was not the relationship talk. When you have that talk, with a guy, you have to say it is the talk. Treat it like a contract that you and your lawyer are making. Be exact in what you want, because guys and girls see relationships different. Things that the girl would see as cheating vs what a guys sees is very different. One type of relationship that is seen very different is emotional relationships. Many guys only see physical relationships as cheating, but girls can see emotional intimacy as cheating. This way there will be no misunderstandings about what is expected and you both will know what kind of relationship you are in.

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  • It's not really the "relationship talk" if you were the only one who laid down boundaries...

    And yes, it's very reasonable to want to be exclusive sex partners, if that is what you are asking is reasonable. Why wouldn't it be?

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    • Thanks for your comments. How can I get back from this? As you said, I was the only one to lay down boundaries.

      And to be fair: I don't think he was suggesting for me to find someone else. I truly think that it was a "Are you thinking about sleeping with other people when we aren't together?" But I could be wrong.

    • next time you talk to him or see him, you have to ask him what HIS intentions or expectations are. Not just "are you sleeping with anyone else?", but "do you WANT to sleep w/ anyone else if the opportunity arises? or do you want to be exclusive?"

      I mean, what is it exactly YOU want to get out of this? I don't think you've said. Is it only an exclusive friends with benefits thing you want? A real relationship? etc

  • I might feel a little threatened if you went out with someone else, but as long as it's not intimate.

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  • It can be for some. For me that wouldn't be it. It be more involved.

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  • You do realise that guy's your boufriend right?

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  • I don't think you had the relationship talk really, you talked about where you thought your relationship was and he agreed, you didn't say "Hey let's be boyfriend girlfriend now!" you said "I think this is how it is do you agree?" and he said yes I think you're just overthinking it :)

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    • He did the talking and I agreed

    • Then you're absolutely over thinking it.

What Girls Said 4

  • He was testing the water with the other guy thing, you gave him the right answer.
    You just became exclusive but don't act too girlfriend like & scare him away, when you have shown him how good you can be, when he is ready, he will ask.

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  • Yes that was a talk. Just for clarity, you may want to say something like.
    .. "woah that exclusivity talk went way easier than I expected".
    or "I am pleasantly surprised at how happy I am over our exclusivity agreement"
    or "Does it feel good today for you that we made an exclusivity agreement before our Christmas vacation?"

    That way you can get confirmation. When I had that talk with my boyfriend, he confirmed it by sending as text saying "You are my girlfriend.:)" I was a little surprised because we had been friends with benefits and I just asked about sexual exclusivity... he took it up a notch to girlfriend.

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    • That's the thing. He never AGREED to being exclusive. He only said he wasn't currently sleeping w/ anyone else. There was no exclusive agreement made. The "talk" was essentially moot, as only she laid down the expectations and didn't really reveal his intentions or expectations. He himself even suggested her to "find someone" else...

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    • Unless he is hoping for such an agreement. That was my point about my two last boyfriends, i wrongly assumed they wanted less committment than they did.

    • For her to save face she just needs to get him thinking about her being asked on dates by other fellows. the typical pretty girl gets asked out often. so, outside of an agreement... she would be foolish not to date other guys.

  • This is a relationship talk where he made it clear while he likes you, he's not exclusive with you and won't be

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  • Friends with benefits for now. Most guys are pretty cleat during the relationship talk...

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    • *clear.

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    • I wish this was around for me to have read this comment just a few months ago. :/ and the ones from the boys too.

    • It can be confusing. I think sometimes people don't know what the heck they want.

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