Who's in the driver's seat?

When a girl asks a guy out does this automatically make her the dominant party in the relationship?

One of the biggest reasons I don't ask guys out is because I want to be dominated not the other way around.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I have mixed feelings on this one hun. I think that in a perfect world, men should pursue and earn the right to go out with girls. But it seems like now a days you have two types of men- 1) cocky jerks who think they are God's gift to women and 2) Nice guys, but are shy, because they don't want to get rejected.

    So although I don't think a woman should necessarily ask a guy out, I do think that it is good for her to be upfront with the guy, let him know he's cute, and maybe ask him, "So do you want to ask me out." So that way, he knows exactly how you feel, you've given him confidence and done the work, but you still hold the power, because he is asking you out.

    I'm not going to lie, I think that's really good. I should write a book :o)

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    • I agree and call dibs on the first copy! Seriously though, thanks for the advice. Now I just have to get up the nerve to be more upfront w/ him.

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    • Well if he never showed, then that might be something different. But you don't have to say I like you, you can say, "you're very cute"

    • Oh, P. S. One of the other people I was playing pool with was my then boyfriend.

What Guys Said 4

  • I think the others have given good answers, but my personal opinion is different. I like girls who have the strength to ask a guy out. I have encountered both situations and it has had no impact on the subsequent relationship (other than getting it started). Like Jarrett says in his answer, a person is who he is, who he is raised to be.

    But I have my doubts that the girl asking the guy works in a scenario where the girl wants a dominant guy. Though a more dominant guy might go along with that, my sense is that it shows too much strength and independence to be appealing in most cases to a guy who wants to run the show.

    If you're looking for the type of guy that will tell you where you two are going, where you'll eat, what you'll do, then you should wait for him to come along and tell you that.

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  • Some very good points have been made on the subject of being up-front. I think all are correct because dominance comes in many flavors. In some cases, a woman wants a guy who can take a dominant role behind closed doors, but not for the relationship as a whole. It can be tricky, but is essential, to establish what ( if any) boundaries exist. To some women, a truly dominant guy has to possess a bit of jealousy, which she will put it to the test now and then. The guy has to watch out for that. And a seriously dominant guy could assume, right or wrong, that some physical control is part of the picture. So be clear and be careful what you ask for. Do you want a dominant guy or an assertive one? And don't have him always handle every detail to the extent that if something were to happen to him far down the road, you would be in a bad position financially - with no idea what is where.

    Many facets to this topic.

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  • Relationships are about balance... I tend to take on a leading role when the situation calls for it but I am also quite happy to relent control.

    As for your need to be dominated, DeanW hit the nail right on the head... Most girls I've known who said they wanted to be dominated were quite dominant and as soon as a guy showed up on the horizon who wanted to run their life they literally ripped him a new.

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  • It does not make you automatically dominant well in one of my personal cases I pushed my girlfriend into telling me she liked me I was just insinuating and messing with her head till finally she "had to tell me" and she told me she liked me that's when I took over and started dominating but I dominate differently I make her think she is dominating but I'm the one putting ideas in her head so she does mostly what I want, she is not dominating but it seems like it and it makes her happy although sometimes when I want to dominate completely I just take over and dominate her

    Well that's one of my stories but the point of it is that if you start the relationship it does not mean you dominate because that can be easily switched between the two in the relationship and the one who is in control is not necessarily the one dominating

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    • That is along the line of what I was going to say. Some guys aren't going to dominate unless they get a signal of some sort, or can feel that the woman responds to it. With other women, if the guy doesn't take control from the outset, and with no hesitation, he's out of contention. Best to establish at some point which aspects of the relationship do and do not fall into that zone. There may come a point where the woman needs some degree of control and can't get it back.

What Girls Said 3

  • Not to get all psychological and stuff, but in some sense it sounds like you still want to be in control (by having the guy behave the way you like -- in this case being dominant over you). I know a couple in just this kind of relationship -- where the guy "dominates", but only because the girl wants him to do so and submits to his dominance by consent. In this relationship, deep down, it really is the girl who is running the show. And it was the girl who "chose" the guy in this case, too. So, to make a long story short, I think you can ask a guy out, and still have him be "dominant" if that's how you want him to behave. But you have to choose the guy carefully, and be sure it's a guy who would be comfortable in this kind of relationship. Hope that helps. Good luck!

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    • I see what you mean. You may have something there. Thanks for your answer :o)

  • Not necessarily if you play your cards right. You can always play off the whole shy thing and say, "I don't usually do this but......." By you being the shy but brave one, that still keeps him in the dominant position. It'd be you putting yourself out there and him taking the bait and running with it, with you as the passenger.

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  • if youve asked out a guy its probably because he was too shy to ask you out which can end up with you doing all the work in the relationship if he's really shy but being the one to ask does not destine you to be the one in charge. and trust me, you don't want to be dominated. maybe you want an outgoing, secure guy whos not afraid to make suggestions, plans, initiate conversation...thats not being dominant. that's doing your part in the relationship.

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