Does it sound like he is actually scared of getting hurt again or is he just stringing me along?

I've been dating a guy for around a month now. Initially he came on pretty strong, he was super sweet, bought me little gifts, cute dates, made a heap of future plans etc. He was clearly pushing things forward, to be honest at a rate which was a little fast for me but I just went with it to see how things would pan out. Even now I can tell he is really into me, he has said so and what he does indicates this but every so often he pulls back to which I do too to give him space. After we spent a really great weekend together he says to me that he isn't sure if he wants a serious relationship. He says that he wants to get to know me a lot more before he commits to anything serious as he's scared to love again. He went on to say how his ex of 4 years broke his heart and he was pretty depressed afterwards so doesn't want to risk that again if he isn't sure about me. I agreed to just continue dating (exclusively as we are sleeping together) as I do enjoy spending time with him and want to see how things go. Things are going well but I am starting to feel insecure about the whole thing. I'm worried it will morph into friends with benefits kind of thing which I am not comfortable with. It seems to me as if he is getting everything he wants; sex, exclusivity, dates etc pretty much a loyal and caring non-girlfriend without the commitment and an easy out.
I don't want to rush into a relationship but don't want to be strung along if he has no intention of truly working towards one or if he already knows he doesn't want one with me.
So what I am asking is do his reasons for not committing/prolonging the dating sound justified? If they are I am willing to wait (not forever though) for him to come around or do you think it's just a cop out for an easy out as he doesn't see a future with me and is just stringing me along?
Also if he is just scared is there anything I can do to reassure him/not scare him off.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Have you shared your thoughts and feelings about this with him? Communication is key and important in a relationship. I can see both sides of this, but letting him know where you are coming from and asking him his thoughts are a good start!

    Good luck!

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    • I have in a way, he is pretty big on communication and he reads me really well so if somethings on my mind he picks up on it straight away. I just don't want to press the whole thing and scare him off if he is genuinely worried about getting hurt again so wants to take things slow, but on the other hand I don't want to be strung along if he has no intention of giving things a go.

    • Well... If he is not bringing it up, than you should. It sounds like you want to make sure you don't get hurt either, so I would talk to him about it. You can't be scared of losing him... If he is stringing you along, better to get out now.

What Guys Said 6

  • First of all, exclusivity is a two-way street i dont see how that would benefit one partner more than another..
    Second, how are dates a benefit to him? Are you paying for all these dates? I can see how non-commital sex is typically a benefit to the man.
    That being said i think he is honestly just a little (read LOT) afraid of being hurt again.
    How did his ex break his heart?

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    • Initially he paid for and orgainsed the dates. Now we have gotten in a sort of routine where I organise and pay for one date and he does the next. We kind of try and out do each other each time but it is roughly even.

      I'm sure of the specifics how she hurt him but they were together 4 years and he thought she was the one. She was apparently pretty controlling and clingy and didn't have much of a life outside of him.
      He moved away for work they tried long distance, he came back things weren't the same so it ended. I think she did the ending but he hasn't confirmed that. She moved on within a month or so into another serious relationship which still seems to upset him a bit.
      Would this be relevant in any way?

    • Well i was trying to see he's probably more afraid of that particular scenario but that doesn't seem especially traumatic so i dont know what to make of it.

  • I agree with @Error_204 I think you need to be very weary.

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  • People with these issues after a few days are rarely worth investing in.

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  • You need to be decisive here girl... First of all you must decide if you want him or not.
    If you yourself is not sure about him, then how can you expect the same from him?
    If tomorrow, he say.." Marry me?" What would you do?

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    • I don't know that's the problem I don't want to go all in and allow myself to let my guards down if he is just stringing me along

    • Ah dear.. then you both are in same position. He is having same dilemma as you.
      But you can secure this relationship by initiating dates or regular hangouts. Give space to each other.
      Accept that there might be differences between you and him.
      Hangout in public places more often if possible.
      If this goes for another six months successfully, then i can assure you that this relationship would be a long term success and you both don't have to think twice before commitment.

  • I honestly can't say (because I have never been in nor am I seeking a realationship), but if I was you I would start looking elsewhere.

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  • He is most likely stringing you along for the sex.

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What Girls Said 3

  • everyone is different. he may be saying the truth. I got over my ex very fast, but I might not recover that fast from my boyfriend.

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  • I'm confused, is he seeing other girls? It sound like you are in a relationship. Is he afraid of the title "girlfriend"?

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    • No we aren't seeing anyone else.
      He is pretty much my boyfriend in every way except the title and being out as a "couple" to everyone.
      He refer to me as the girl he is dating exclusively.

  • I have no idea. Maybe it would be better if he some how communicates to you.

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