Girls approach me but I get too nervous and end up not knowing what to do. Do I have a mental issue?

I think I need to see a psychiatrist or something. Women have been approaching me a lot lately and I just never know what to do. From random girls giving me a compliment on how I look to random women buying me drinks. I get unbelievably nervous and I just start answering with very succinct responses. I have my passions and don't think I'm a boring person.

It's as if I'm terrified of women.. At a recent outing with some friends to see a band play, this one girl kept trying to get me to talk to her. She was even leaning on me which made me honestly want to run away. One of the friends (female) of my friend told her that I'm quiet because I'm a "nice guy" which hurt me a bit. I hated hearing that. I stand my ground if people fuck with me. I am by no means "nice".

My friends (all guys) constantly give me shit because they think I'm "wasting" my time and they keep telling me that I'm a way above average looking guy. I don't think I'm ugly or anything. I constantly catch females stare and turn heads but I usually pretend I don't notice or avert my eyes.

I'm scared that my inexperience will hinder me when I finally do meet a woman that I feel comfortable around and that I will be the one that scares her away. I'm at the age that most people are settling down and I have yet to form a meaningful relationship with a woman. I'm beginning to think some of us are just destined to be alone forever.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Dude it may be a mental issue. I was you a while back too. I can actually rip my balls off and throw them at piranhas because of the opportunities I missed due to social anxiety. I was also called a "nice" "cool" "easy going" guy and it pissed me off too (I think calling a guy "nice" is akin to calling a girl "fat"... it basically means you are cool but only friendshipzone material) Remember mental issues can be in varying severities. If a certain mental issue (like being to shy or anxious) is causing significant distress (which seems to be your case), then you may have a personality disorder or social anxiety but in a diluted way (hopefully in a case where you can overcome it without seeing a psych). You may also come from a childhood where you grew up with overly strict or overly tender parents (religious backgrounds have this often) or you were bullied. Either way you think you are a creep for who you are (you said you don't want to sound like a creep so you overthink what you want to say) or you lack social skills. I was also a "Nice Guy" and told myself I don't take shit from anyone... but I actually did in some ways. Now im reading a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" written by a psychologist Robert Glover (I suggest you get this book if you serious about helping yourself) Then you need to start pushing your comfort zones and acknowledge that you may fail or be rejected. Go out to be cool with a girl (don't think of the consequence of a relationship or sex). You can only ever be freindshipzoned , politely dismissed or develop a relationship. To help with the convo's, 1) initiating a conversation is the easy part. Say hi, or comment on the situation or environment as a starter. 2) But now, start focusing on how to hold a conversation. The way that worked for me is to be genuinely interested in what she says and listen. But then try build rapport and relate to a similar incident in your life. 3) Escalate. Where most men fall is this most challenging part...

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    • ... escalation. This is what separates friend material from lover material (and is also that ingredient that many people refer to as chemistry). Once you are chatting to her try show you are a man. Its tough and may take a few goes, be yourself, be interested in her, build that rapport, but start being a little flirty. Look in her eyes, be smiling, give her a little touch on the shoulder maybe, be a bit close, move your body language towards her. It shows you not that scared and enjoy her company. Then after a while just say you would like her number. If she says yes, well done, if she says no, well you met a lovely person who may not seem interested in you. But then do it more often... you will find the formula.

    • Thanks for the response bro. I'm going to try and not care about what women think of me. Just gonna go with the flow.

What Girls Said 11

  • You suffer from social anxiety

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    • Don't we all?

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    • I can't suppress my thoughts and feign outgoing-ness. When I engage in conversation with a woman the only thing I can think of is, "Don't be a creep" which leads me to come off as boring and uninterested.

    • Maybe you should take some acting classes to be confident in your ability to express yourself without thinking what others think.

  • Honestly from a girls point of veiw, I would rather date a shy guy because it makes me feel like he cares what I say don't listen to your friends! and don't worry just ask the girl you like or just tell her you like her and she might ask you out.

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    • Don't be so easily fooled. Some guys will pretend to be shy and then become a complete asshole when you're deep into the relationship. Try not to believe these stereotypes to "feel" like he cares. You make damn sure he cares about your feelings.

  • No way, I believe in intuition.. If it's not feeling right, then there's probably a reason. My boyfriend was very shy and his friends gave him a ton of shit too. I liked how he was quiet and shy toward me. We took things slow and I ended up with a great guy!! Keep your head up! The right girl will pursue you how you are!

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    • My inability to initiate with women makes me feel less of a man. I still believe the man has to make the moves but I begin to second guess myself and things fizzle out because of hesitation. Unfortunately, my intuition often tells me that I will creep her out so I keep my responses short but not sweet.

  • No you don't. Girls are a mystery overall. I'm a girl and I don't understand sometimes. You just got nervous. Everyone does.

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    • I'm not trying to be rude, but do you find it kind of flattering that girls can be a mystery, but guys can be figured out?

  • You're fine. A lot of people are like this. They get horribly nervous don't know what to say. Just before you go out, breathe, calm down stop trying to overthink and just roll with with the woman. Obviously you're a good looking guy if you're getting hit on constantly by women. And if you're shy accept it, shy men are adorable. Just relax.

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    • I can not accept it. I'm tired of being viewed as cute or "nice". I appreciate your response but I want to be the be the alpha male that women want, not just a good looking guy with no game.

  • hey hey its gonna be ok
    trust me, u do NOT have a mental issue
    u sound like u just need to be comfortable in ur own skin
    dont freak about women u sound like a good looking guy and like kids in candy stores we want u
    just be urself and strike a conversation

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    • Well I am normally a quiet guy. Not introverted but I do tend to keep my thoughts to myself. Perhaps I'm misinterpreting but I'm also pretty comfortable in my own skin. I work out, 5'10 and am aware that I have a pretty decent looking face to top it off. I fear that I would come off creepy or make the girl feel unsafe around me when I try to think of how I should answer her questions or react to her remarks/comments.

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    • take up a martial art, and you won't be another scared pussy running around with a knife or a gun.

    • Martial arts is for kids. In the real world, people will kill you for actin a fool. Calling people "pussy" for wanting to defend themselves and loved ones is childish. I suppose it's better than nothing. You stick to your choreographed bullshit. I'll stick to my nina.

  • no you don't have mental issue, people get nervous when they are being approached by strangers sometimes. But if you're worried, do you have any female friends? Try hanging out with them more, that might help.

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    • I have ZERO female friends. I've had women put their numbers in my phone but I never call them which I'm kind of kicking myself because they could have been a source for understanding women a little better. Though I get approached, I usually don't leave a lasting impression because of how reserved I am.

    • well, get your guy friends to bring out some female friends the next time u hangout with them. might be easier when its a bigger group to engage in friendly conversations, n with people you are already comfortable with.

  • No you don't have a mental issue when i see a cute boy i get shy too so your not the only one that has the kinds same problems and some girls like shy guys

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    • But girls have the option to be shy. I hate being considered "shy". I don't want a girl to think I'm some weak bitch that can't keep them safe.

  • Your probably just have high anxiety

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    • Oh I'm quite certain high anxiety has a lot to do with it.

    • Well then get some lemongrass, chamomile, and peppermint amd become a tea drinker. Do yoga. It'll help. Make it go away completely

  • Nope your just shy and never having had a relationship and all. Just try doing small talk. If she's interested enough she will keep trying and if you keep talking you should get more comfortable.

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    • I feel like this is beyond being shy to be quite honest..

    • The more time you spend with others, the less you will feel it. Force yourself into social situations with groups... That way its not all on you... But you can start.

    • I am fairly socially active. My friends and I hit up local bars and clubs at least every two or three weeks. They're pretty social dudes so they usually are able to chat up groups of girls with no problem which leads to everyone getting to know each other. Most of the times this is how they try to get women to me so I can, in their words, "work my game". Their advice for me has been unhelpful though. Perhaps I lack the charisma that they possess.

  • I am with a man now whose in his forties and has never had vaginal intercourse or been a relationship with a woman of any substance. His profession has forced him to learn to interact with people with less stress. I can talk to anyone about anything at any time yet we connect over deep, meaningful conversations about life experiences, family and God. There would be nothing wrong if you remained single but don't think it's because of "mental problems." You're just going at your own pace. Maybe try initiating a convo in an environment where you feel empowered and it's on your terms. Who wants to be hollered at in a pub with someone leaning on them? That's kind of awkward, haha.

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    • The environment where I feel most empowered is rarely frequented by women. Bars and events are the only times I encounter women in a social environment. My hobbies do not require other people for me to enjoy them. I don't want until I'm 40 before I am able to just open up to women. That is WAY too late for me.

What Guys Said 39

  • I was in a rut similar to yours for many years, until I grew to understand how "being social" works.

    The bottom line is to just take a general interest in the person that catches your eye. Ask them questions such as: "What do you like to do for fun?" "What job do you do?" or, which is a great opener as well, "What's your story?"... have them doing most of the talking. That way they will open up to you, and you hardly have to do anything other than answer their questions with brief but honest answers, and ask them questions. If you approach someone, a good opener as well, is "Hey, what's your name?"

    One thing people don't realize is that most people are actually nice and friendly. If a person isn't nice, and is horrible and rude, 9/10 it's just because they are having a bad day. It's got nothing to do with who they are, or you as a person. "How a person acts in any given moment, is based on how they are feeling in that particular moment."

    A good way to overcome this shyness, or anxiety, and "get used" to it, is to go to your local mall or shopping centre for a few hours. Here you walk around, and make eye contact with everyone that walks by you. When you make eye contact, smile. This gets you used to making, and keeping, eye contact.
    If you're confident, say: "Hey. how are you doing?" Once you start to get comfortable with it, start asking questions to those who stop and talk to you. Eventually, it'll become so natural to you, that when a beautiful girl walks up to you and compliments you, you know instinctively what you can say and ask, and how to walk out with her number, etc, and you'll stop feeling intimidated that "she's a girl" or by her looks.

    And you too, will begin to realize, it's actually pretty easy once you've grasped the basics. You just have to practice... "Repetition is the mother of skill"

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    • I'm aware that the only real solution is to just go for it. Thanks for the advice.

  • I'm in agreeance with those that say you're shy/have social anxiety. However, I see a lot of people trying to give you confidence boosters. That's great and all, but not quite what we're looking for perhaps. You're asking if there's anything wrong...

    So, a mental illness is characterised as a mental or behavioural pattern that impairs everyday life. Now you've said "It's as if I'm terrified of women". We could narrow that down to being a fear of being with a woman perhaps? Regardless, you need to ask yourself "Do these feelings/reactions detriment my everyday lifestyle?" In other words, do you feel that your quality of life is reduced by the way you react?

    If the answer is a yes, then you probably need to speak to someone about it. I'd not recommend a psychiatrist, mostly cos that's expensive. Maybe speak with a counsellor of some kind - they're all over the place. Most are trained, all are compassionate (I think) and you can get another, more professional perspective.

    If the answer is no, but you still are concerned about it, repeat the above procedure.

    Otherwise, I'd relax about the mental illness part. Sure it might be hard (believe me, I get it), but you're not sick.

    Personal Opinion? I don't know. What do I look like, a psychiatrist? I'm just an old man!

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    • I just need to let go of my fears. That seems to be the only solution. I understand it really is as simple as being yourself but it's much easier said than done. My buds think I put the pussy on on the pedestal. I think they're right.

    • Well, whatever floats your boat mate. But just remember, there are professionals that will be more than willing to talk it over with you.
      All the best

  • You have a penis congrats!!

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  • I think it's probably some form of social anxiety, and for good reason it shows itself in those situations. I have similar problems, and a lot of it is psychological. Try not to think about what to say or how to act when a situation like you described occurs. Just try to be yourself. Obviously women are interested in you, so it's not as if it rarely happens. But just be yourself, and don't over think what to do or say. It might take some time to overcome, but with having consistent situations where you feel like this and trying to not over think, in time (more often, the quicker) you'll get past whatever it is that causes this to occur. And you don't have mental problems! Sometimes for different reasons this type of thing can happen to anyone, caused by anything... small or large, that you feel impacted you, or that you barely remember. Most of it is in your mind. But in time you'll get past it if you keep trying to work on the issue at hand.

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  • Since when does being a "nice guy" mean not standing your ground when people fuck with you?

    But that aside, it is hard sometimes for a guy to know how to deal with unexpected attention from a girl. It doesn't mean you have a mental problem, just some anxiety you need to learn to deal with. It has been a while since a girl showed interest in me that way, but when it happened I blew it also.

    I had an acquaintance who was an exceptionally good-looking guy, and he used to get tired of being approached by women. He actually got a complaint from a customer site he was working at because the girls were hanging around his desk instead of doing their work.

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    • Since the term "nice guy" became a backhanded comment which essentially means you're being a bitch. True to some extent I believe.

      I'm extremely lucky because I'm a good looking Asian man. We all know how we're portrayed here in the west. Even then, most girls will say they don't like Asian guys because they believe (bullshit) that Asian men are not interested.

      I understand that I just need to do the damn thing but there is something literally stopping me. I literally shut myself out. I retract back to the safety of "knowing" the outcome opposed to facing the possibilities now that I think about it. Perhaps I am a "nice guy" to some extent. Fuck that.

  • You need to relax first. I used to be just like you, but ignore your fear (false evidence appearing real) a friend told me about fear. Second ask women about themselves, let them do the talking. Don't worry about how she will responds. Your mind is spoken through your body language so relax. Stay in you element, don't go to a club if that isn't your element. Those friends that are giving you crap ditch them, find friends that will encourage you to be your best! There the ones that are jealous of you. Your attitude describes your altitude. Next time a women compliments you, thank her and then compliment her and ask her about herself.

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    • I'll start firing off questions so I have to talk less lol. Seems to be the easiest way to keep a lady engaged. True thing about the body language as well. I'll usually look down or away when a woman talks to me or if I'm responding and I think that sends the wrong signals. My buds are just giving me flack. I've known these guys since grade school so we're pretty comfortable around each other. They do encourage me and they often try to wingman for me but I always manage to fuck it up. I can't blame them for being a little annoyed with me.

  • You sound similar to myself. In my case, however, my stomach would just drop if a pretty girl looked my way. I tried different approaches, and finally in my 20's had some dates, but only a few and that's it?

    Eventually I learned about different cultures and people. I met Filipinos and found them to be pretty, hard-working, intelligent, devoted to family, and then fell in one with one!

    I think perhaps you do have an unknown problem, more than anxiety. Plenty of ladies and some men have or are shy, but it sounds like if you cannot even have a female friend. No doubt you want it, but something strong holding you back?

    Well, I'm not really to know you, just all guess and interpretation...

    Good luck!

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    • Females do not usually take a genuine interest in my hobbies relatively speaking. While I do have friends, I prefer to be alone for most things. I usually go out and eat by myself. I'll even attend events by myself. It would be nice to have a lady accompany me but that hasn't been working out too well haha.

  • Simple, you're scared of what can happen. You're scared that you might mess up. You're scared that you might succeed now and then mess up at a later point. You're scared that you may be inadequate and may embarrass yourself.

    Listen to me because I've been through what you are going through. One last thing to think about:
    "I'm scared that my inexperience will hinder me when I finally do meet a woman that I feel comfortable around and that I will be the one that scares her away."
    You're scared that you're inexperienced and it will drive her away. But that prevents you from meeting women and gaining experience. Which causes you to be scared that you'll drive her away. And so on and so forth. It's a neverending cycle.

    Understand that you are human and you will mess up. Girls mess up around cute guys too and so do even the players. Everyone does it, but some choose to learn from it and other choose to let it prevent them from doing anything.

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    • You right. It's difficult I do not have interaction with women unless I'm just out or at a social gathering. There are no women where I work so it's hard to gain an understanding of women. I do take what my buddies say into consideration when we kick it but I always resort back to my old ways and just remain reserved around women. It is a vicious cycle indeed but I will break from it.

  • I have similar problems to you. I'm not sure why. I suspect it might have to do with my strained relationship with my mother. The fact that I have no sisters probably doesn't help.

    Anyway, I guess it could be worthwile examining your past, because it might affect how you perceive women. Women are different from men, but not that different. Since you and I both seem to be scared by them, it must be our perception which is off, no? Our perceptions influence our actions, which influence our relationships.

    And then you'll have to dive in. Meet new people (including women). It's basically about getting a lot of social practise. Gradually, you should feel more at ease.

    So yeah, that's my advice. Examine your perceptions and dive in.

    Good luck. Trust me, I know how much it hurts.

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    • I actually have an awesome relationship with the madre. I don't have any sisters. Scared is a bit strong even though I too used that word. My mom raised me to always respect women. I just try to give women their space and leave it up to them to decide where to take things. Especially now when women seem to be on the defensive and generally feel unsafe around guys. I don't want women to feel that around me. Unfortunately that also means that I'm not taking any risks by trying to actively pursue them which ultimately causes them to lose interest. Good to hear someone in a similar position around my age.

    • Ahh, I see. I'm sorry to have presumed otherwise. Thanks for not taking offence.

  • be honest with a girl when she makes you feel uncomfortable. tell her exactly that. one thing i might try to do is talk to a girl i find attractive like a cashier or something and just try that out so i get comfortable around girls who i find attractive.

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    • Telling a girl that you're uncomfortable is a death sentence in my opinion.

  • Man try to be more comfortable and try not to stop speaking when a girl approach you keep the conversation going ask about her interests try to be comfortable about urself and think about it what is the worst thing that could happen? So there's no need to be nervous about girls and the most important part try to think before talking but not too hard. And if u met the woman u like and she likes you too she will stuck on you not the opposite

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    • I think the problem is that I think too much before speaking to a woman. I understand what you're saying but I'm going to try and do like my friends do. Bullshit and have fun with the girl (as in just speak my mind and enjoy my time with said girl).

    • Since u determined the problem then u can work on a way to solve it just find a way ur the only one who understand your situation clearly so ur the best one to give solutions for ur own problems and, I wish u the best ;)

  • you just got to convince yourself "she would be lucky to get with me." if you acknowledge her as better, you will be intimidated and she will sense it. It may take a while to adjust to. Think of it this way, If you talk to the ugliest girl, its gonna be really easy cause your not afraid to fail. What I do is pretend in my head I am Brad Pit (or any good looking male actor). You think he is scared of rejection? No. He know there are so many girls out there and one can't crush him. Its all the mindset, and the attitude

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  • Trust me man, I'm ridiculously shy. Took me a couple YEARS to ask out the girl I like. The point is, you could be perfectly fine around guys but not around girls. Hat still counts as shyness! Just take deep breaths and gather your bearings and confidence. Other than that, I can't think if why, unless you have a past experience that ruined it? Maybe you don't want to say it on here or pm me, but I'll listen if you want me to.

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    • I'm beginning to think it is due to a past experience. I don't want to talk about it but I appreciate the offer.

    • Alright. That's entirely up to you. Just keep calm and try to let it go. Don't let the last rule your present.

  • A lot guy's wish they were in your shoes when it comes to girls approaching you, heck I am jealous because I have to do all the work... but you need to get over your anxiety... it won't happen right away, like anything it will to practice... just think of your self as the prize and go and get for it. . the opportunities are.. take them while you're still young.

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    • I know. I'm going to try my best to not let a woman's opinion of me dictate my love life any longer.

  • Hi, most advice given here is wrong.
    Watch this video on curing social anxiety. You'll feel better.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iGk87bug2s

    Good luck!

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  • Man i remember when i was in your situation. You need to be confident and just go with the flow talk casually it will be fine bro. Don't be stressed out or nervous they will sense it and it can result in a turn off be the man and hold the convo. Practice Practice Practice

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    • You right. I think that by trying not to be a creep I end up being a huge ass creeper lol. Ugh..

  • im afraid you do. im so sorry to tell you this but you suffer from quite a serious disease in the frontal cortex of the brain. it is known as pussitis

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  • social anxiety. pop a couple of valium or pristiq and you'll be talking to every girl without a problem.
    or you could try having a few drinks so your relaxed but don't get drunk because that will make things even worse.

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    • I ain't a pill popper but drinking does help a little bit. Unfortunately I just become more social with my friends than with women though.

    • that's because you don't have the same feelings for your friends as you do for someone you could potential date/love

    • No doubt about that.

  • Just be urself. Take the number never let that ruin ur life. Fear and shyness is jst emotions it doesn't exist

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    • The times I've gotten numbers is when the girl puts it in my phone or asks me for mine. I feel like they regret it sometimes because of the impression (or lack thereof) that I leave.

  • bro, just talk to them and have a normal conversation. you can relax and take it at the pace the girl wants to go.

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  • same... i get approached and girls spark convos with me and i get thrown off... i m the one ususally dooing this but when i m sitting alone at a bar or something girls will try to talk to me

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    • From your picture, you look like an Asian brotha. You think this could possibly be from me being picked on for being Asian as a youngin? I live in a pretty culturally diverse area but Asians seem to be the butt of most jokes. The fact that it's said so freely ALMOST made me believe them. As if they're expecting you to just laugh and accept it as truth. They will also bullshit when you are angry by asking "If it wasn't true, why are you getting so mad?"

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    • having said all this, i think its important to work double time and hit the gym, develop our social skills to look attractive to add onto our many stereotyped great qualities. i m pretty sure it has helped in my life. our image is changing faster than you think in my opinion... at least this seems true in my city. we just gotta make results... look good and do well in life

    • Physically, I know I'm one of the luckier ones. It's usually women of other ethnicity that approach me. I don't really know how things work up there in the north but in the States, Asian men are viewed as lesser of effeminate and I attribute that mainly due to these Asian dudes that literally look like girls. I've been called "pretty" despite me keepin it thugga. I know things are getting better. If I had a nickle for every time I literally turn heads, I'd be one rich mofugga. I just think I've been emotioanlly scarred during my younger days. I was never one to believe in psychiatric aid or medication as a means to alleviate "problems" but I'm really beginning to reconsider. Medication is still out of the question but talking to someone may help.

  • Nah your just nervous. Just treat them like a guy or regular person. That should help

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    • Of course I treat them like regular people... sort of. However, I can not treat them as I would a man as sexist as that may sound. I'm a pretty competitive guy which often leads to me being super confident if not a little arrogant.

  • I have the same problem bro, I am also aware that I suffer from social anxiety. Go for girls that have the same issue, they can understand you better.

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    • I'm not usually drawn to shy or quiet girls because they're hard to read. As you could guess, the women that approach me know what they want and even though I find that extremely attractive, it's also really intimidating.

  • broo you need propanolol when you talk with them maybe every work day and loraxepam only on special night, loraxepam makes you dont give a shit but its very addictive

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  • You don't have mental issues. Just anxiety issues. You only need experience which will never come if you will think that you will scare away the girl and get hurt by it.

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    • It's not about scaring the girl away. It's about scaring the girl.

    • that's not the point I am trying to say, is it? Good luck

  • Google Nofap right now. It will change ur life. Seriosuly

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  • dont be scared... be confident, , lack of experience won't hinder... experience come from mistakes... do mistakes, u cannot get a miss universe on the 1st run, just do it whereever it takes u

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  • Have you ever had a girlfriend before?

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  • Sounds like a normal heterosexual message to me.. We're like that a lot. Just begin with small talk build up from there.

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  • just anxiety man, talk to your doctor, no big deal.

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