How to be happily single? And how to get rid of emotional baggage?

I was asking one of my friends recently about how I can try to be happy with my fate of remaining single. I recently faced rejection and it was the kind I have faced my whole life. After trying to change myself, my situation etc... I realise nothing will make a man consider me commitment worthy. Of course people then say, stop saying such things or you will make it worse. My answer is that being positive never got me anywhere either and by now, after ending up with loss each time.. I'm done. I've never had a real relationship and guys reject me. I am objectively beautiful, everyone would say I am beautiful. So I know its my personality, I am however funny, goofy and flirtatious. But there is something I miss on a deeper level, so I have tried for years and now I just want to continue existing without any baggage. I asked my friends how I can be happy again, alone.. like when I was younger. They said thats impossible because I now have baggage. So I don't want to take risks in love anymore, I don't want to give it another try, I don't want to keep fuelling false hope. I just want to be happy, because I know it will never happen for me, i give up. I am never the girl who is the exception.. never. So how do I remove the emotional baggage? So that I can just enjoy living my life solo? thank you! :)


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Most Helpful Guy

  • If possible, ask Steve Harvey, the man can cure cancer.
    however, giving up as you are a healthy woman with a great personality
    I think that stupid. ( sorry ) no matter how many times you are put off, you should
    adapt and overcome those negativity, its what create a better you, you should live for a better you,
    humans can NEVER stop improving, but MOST will never want to improve, because we are born sinners.
    #J. Cole

    That extra "baggage" may contain improvements that you can learn & adapt from or too.

    if guys reject you, find love elsewhere, find a woman that can relate to you,
    we don't live in a world where just opposite sexes are attracted to each other girl!
    if guys can't see your beauty, try women ! never give up though, that's the last thing you want to do, I say it a bunches too, I gave up , but hey, maybe you should look for the little things in life, they make days happen.

    But if you are willing to attempt living life solo, just until love happens unexpectedly, work out, perfect your body, slowly. do not hurt yourself now, I do not want to be blamed for any injuries. ( kidding, a Little )
    when you can train your mind to overcome the pain, you have already reached enlightenment.

    Most Men won't commit... being absurdly honest, we don't grow up ever, the most to growing up we do is our bottles that we change. I think you have a beautiful personality, and one day, you'll be rewarded by HIM and yes I do mean our fellow man up there. -points up - Don't give up, Giving up only leads to regrets.

    Good Luck hun~ :)

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    • Aw thanks, a great answer! I am of course always trying to improve myself. But I am tired of never being good enough. I know enough horrible women, (clinically) psychotic women, fat women, tall women, short women... everyone has had some kind of success. I just never have. And most of the guys have committed to someone either before me or after me. They aren't even all horrible guys, so its clearly something about me. I'm not waiting for someone either. I think I am done dreaming, I'd like to let it remain a fairytale fantasy for me even though I wanted basic things such as honesty, commitment, fun and a bestfriend. Its just not possible for everyone to find it you know what I mean? Had I even had one relationship, I would say I'm not a complete loser but I haven't even got that. And I'm straight, I wish I was at least bisexual but I'm not at all. Also, I spend lots of time with friends (try to also spend time with the few single people I know) and I workout, travel etc. But still..

    • hehe, I'm the total opposite, I dream of the girl I wish to encounter, it gives me something, Er, SOMEONE* to live for, whether its a fairy tale or fantasy, it's still apart of your mind, it will cause something, no your definitely not a complete loser, not with that personality.( IS THIS SUPPOSED TO HELP? LOL )
      Kidding~.

      you don't want to be done with fun, that's the very last thing you ever want to be done with,
      fun is what brings forth laughter and pretty smiles, as for best friends & honestly, a white lie now and again doesn't make you a bad person ;)

      Best friends do contribute, as for we are human, we need social interaction,
      my 20 years of never accepting any of my friends made me an zerofuck (excuse my f) giving prick.

      is this a beneficial trait to have? yes, but I have broken down, once or twice. its inevitable. we are human. we make mistakes, we are imperfect, but that's what God gave us a chance to do, perfect ourselves, learn from our mistakes. Help others.

What Guys Said 1

  • that's bvery very easy.

    being single = more time for video-games and GAG

    so that means happy

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What Girls Said 1

  • Baggage is not a curse or a part of your identity, but an obstacle in your path too big to jump over, so you've been pushing forward with it in your way.

    I think you need to address and break down your baggage with a lot of honest internal reflection. Our fears are powerful and self-validating. When you look back at your failed attempts with men: How did you wish guys treated you and what does that say about your relationship needs vs. validating something about you as a being? What assumptions do you form when a new guy behaves a certain way that reminds you of a past failure? Is there an emotional pattern that plays in your head that leads up to rejection and afterwards?

    Sometimes it's hard to distinguish the difference between our healthy expectations and fears, but it is important. Personally for a long time I would often get upset at men I dated if they didn't take initiative. My irrational fears told me they didn't care, and that no one takes time to understand me. But it was actually me who didn't know how to ask for help show my vulnerabilities in a healthy way, men were confused. It took a long time to admit to this and a longer time change myself and how I relate to friends, and ultimately romantic interests. Rejections can and will still happen, but I longer attribute failure to this irrational fear and I'm able to move on with optimism.

    I urge you to talk to folks in healthy relationships to help you see the line between your internal fears and the external behavior of a potential partner, and how one may affect the other. Surround yourself with open, supportive, caring people (btw people who tell you you can't be happy to 'stop or you'll make it worse' are NOT SUPPORTIVE). Spend a lot of time by yourself doing things you know you love to do and share your experiences with people whom you know will care.

    You sound like a wonderful, well rounded woman and I believe that if you WILL be happy, whether by yourself or with someone else!

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    • Wow, no joke.. this is exactly what I have been wanting to hear. Since I have been self-reflecting for years and have been asking friends for their opinion, I can only imagine how much you had to confront yourself to come to the realisation of your own shortcomings. To be honest, all the questions you have presented is my internal dialogue every day. Not anymore so much, because I'm exhausted. But I have always been single so it was hard for me to allow a man to see my weaknesses, which I did. I also have a huge ego but I tried to use it productively, like when I felt like he had to make the move on something. I also learned that I needed to appreciate a man when he did do it. Guys really like me but up to a certain point. I'm just not the girl they want for the longterm or commitment. The guys who do want it are extremely weak in comparison to me and are quite needy. How did you figure out what your problem was? any tips?

    • A bad relationship and breakup gave me the wake up call that something was very wrong with how and why I pushed men away. So I worked on being more understanding, being a better friend for the people I care about. And eventually when I fell for another guy, I was very open about my feelings and kept my expectations in check. He rejected me, but for reasons beyond my control. I didn't feel awful about myself, and in fact he's one of my best friends now.

      Also, "I'm just not the girl they want for the longterm or commitment." I don't think it makes sense to approach your situation with that mentality. There may be certain attributes (internal or external) that make you less desirable as long term partner, but it's never your whole self. It helps to open up to guy friends. One guy straight up told me that I sucked at communicating my feelings, and i would remind myself to express more because of that. I also read books about old couples who stayed together for decades. That was inspiring.

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