He wants me to be a submissive in our relationship. Is this safe for me psychologically?

[Anonymous]

it's a fine line between abuse and love. And on one hand I want to be taken care of; on the other hand, I'm very strong and independent. How do I navigate that? And how do I know it's going to be safe to be a submissive with a man?

Updates

+1 y

I think I'm being "groomed" for more later. He's getting more an more dominant over me. I like it in the bedroom but not outside of the bedroom as he wants both. So my fighting with him is actually turning him on! Really need insight on what is healthy and what is not in the bdsm world.

[JackieGraves]

I would say that you need to find a balance, and let him know you want balance: being submissive doesn't (and should not) mean you have to surrender your ability to decide and take care of yourself. If he likes to be the leader, allow him to lead - but only if you feel comfortable with doing so. Make sure you keep an open line of communication and don't allow him to overshadow you or control you. I'd sit down with him and explain your concerns to him. In all honesty, I feel it's a bit sexist for a man to ask a woman to be submissive in a relationship, and it could potentially be very unhealthy - that's just me. Talk to him and try to get a grasp on what he means and make sure he knows what your true personality is before you make your decision.

[Asker]

I agree but he doesn't. He is thinking he just wants complete control over me. So far, we fight a lot over this. I'm not feeling comfortable outside of the bedroom. In the bedroom, though... I love it! hence my confliction.

[JackieGraves]

Be honest and tell him to accept you as you are, and that him trying to force you to be someone else is making you unhappy. Either he negotiates, or he relocates.

[Part6fam]

I believe you should things that make you happy and comfortable. You might wanna negotiate a middle ground. I would hate be completely submissive to be honest.

[Asker]

I agree!

[FlowerBloom]

If you're strong and independent, how about answering the question yourself?

[Asker]

you forgot I'm attempting to be submissive... and want to know if it's healthy

[SenseOfReason]

Submissive behavior in the sack can vary but if he's wanting to toss you around in an unsafe way that makes you feel uncomfortable then obviously don't go for it but if you discuss it and it's not a hitting rough fuck fest he wants more of a position change on top kind of dominance then you can weigh if you want to play this role out for him in the bedroom or on the kitchen sink... Then you are just playing a role... Acting won't put you in a position to be in any danger of sacrificing your independent nature... STTA...

[Asker]

it's way more than just him wanting a different sexual position. he's slowly introducing me to bdsm life.. in and outside the bedroom.. but I'm just worried about whether it's healthy in general... you know?

[SenseOfReason]

It's never healthy if you aren't open to it, so I'd dodge this bullet and find a man who will treat you the way you deserve. A power tripper like that is one rage incident away from loafing a body in a trunk.

[SenseOfReason]

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[Asker]

wow, you really think so? Even though he's aggressive, I don't sense he would hurt me. Maybe I'm missing something...

[SenseOfReason]

Well if it's causing you concern there has to be some reason it worries you? Right?

[Mesonfielde]

I think the optimal solution is analyzing the situation after stepping back from all the gender-centric partly sexist type of perspective and look at things the way they are for what they are, rather than "power play" and "independence" and "submission" and all these nonsensical buzzwords. What does he want you to do? Are you okay with it, or is that not what you want? That is the real question.

[Asker]

that's a good point but it is a powerplay. he wants total dominance over me both sexually and outside of the bed. I like it in the bedroom but not outside! Do you think it's healthy psychologically to allow any of it?

[Mesonfielde]

Well it sure doesn't sound healthy, although we are still just throwing words around.

[Asker]

yeah, it's almost like I would like to be submissive if he really wouldn't want to be dominant. But does it for my benefit versus being submissive just for his pleasure. So I don't think that's healthy. hope that made sense!

[Mesonfielde]

To be honest, these are not the terms I think with, so I actually have no idea ^_^ but considering it doesn't come to you naturally, I doubt this will work out right.

[aventaes]

He wants you to be submissive in the entire relationship? Not just in a kindof sex roleplay thing?
If so i think that if you really are strong and independent you would not feel good in the relationship if you had to act submisive.

[Asker]

yes the entire relationship. I only want it in the bedroom. but he's just dominate in general... it is difficult for me to be submissive outside of the bedroom. In fact, we had a few fights over it.

[aventaes]

I've dated independet strong minded women. You can't change them they have to be true to themselves. If they can't be they'll be unhappy. Its that simple if you ask me.
Not that im an expert but...

[Asker]

I actually like being submissive in bed though... so I guess I am weird.

[aventaes]

No not really what you like in bed has nothing to do with who you are in social thingys

[kimmythebomb]

Wow. Umm. How did he ask? What was exactly wht he saidandthe circustances.

[Asker]

he asked by telling me!! lol

[kimmythebomb]

He was like " I want you to be submissive to me?" Thats insane. Honestly you're old enough to decide if a housewife is what u want to be for the rest of your life. But my advice is to tell you to get the heck out of dodge. He will hurt you if you disobey him and not in the "50 shades of grey" kinda hurt. I mean REALLY hurt.