GUYS, How can a woman fix things with a man she's hurt?

Long story short , I really hurt the love of my life. NO, I did not cheat on him. I moved away and he asked me 3 times to move home and to marry him and start a family with him. Each time we had long, serious discussions about it and each time I ended up being to scared to move back. I was afraid if I said yes he might now have been serious (I didn't realize he was until after the last time he asked) I was afraid that one day he'd wake up and just not love me anymore. He was also my best friend and I was afraid to lose him altogether if heaven forbid, it didn't work out. I really hurt him and to him... he thinks I lead on him and the case was that I was just to scared at the time to go for it. I do love him and I really fucked up. He seems a little cold now towards me and I fully understand. We still talk but he just wants to dirty talk and send pictures.. I can't tell if he's still hurt or just an asshole now that doesn't care. Any advice on how to fix the situation?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • The solution to this is simple! Tell him just what you said on here, that you were afraid, for all the reasons you mentioned and any others. Everybody has those feelings, after all, and he probably did and does too; and understanding and forgiveness is what true love is all about. How long will he put up with for you? This is a test of your and his love! So, speak the truth, and speak it from your heart. If you're really going to try and get back with him and take his proposal, you will need to be 100% truthful, as any lasting relationship must have everything "out on the table" in order to last and be successful. He may be acting strange now because he's hurt, but confess your love for him and tell him how much you want to be with him, and if he really still loves you, in time, he will take you back stronger than ever before, because he's hurting because he misses you and his best friend so much. Yep, I think you two have something wonderful and grand here, and this is just one step in your future journey. I am envious and wish you best of luck! Remember the old saying: "Love comes to those who wait!"

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    • Also, if you're still struggling with the marriage aspect, tell him why and you love him and want to be with him and need to take it slow. If he loves you, truly, he will wait! Just please don't make him wait too long as that can and will probably turn out bad too! Good luck!

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    • Now this... yeah this is propper advisibg

    • So sorry to hear that! Sounds like your "bridge to him has been burned!" The only thing now left for you to do is to move on! ... and try and learn from this experience.

What Guys Said 35

  • Men and woman communicate very poorly with each other. You might think that the other sex got the message but later you find out that they didn’t.

    So, did you tell him what you just told us? I don’t mean in subtle way. I mean clearly communicating in a direct way. Just the way you told us. Trust me, he will understand.

    Us guys respond well to this. We need that kind of communicating. That makes us deal with our anger and move on. Anything else makes just more confused and angry so we appear to be assholes. We get cold, distant and seemingly we don’t care while we are actually just heartbroken, hurt, angry, sad.

    Tell him, solve everything and let us know how it turned out. We love happy news

    Good luck :)

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  • The best thing you can do is to try and rekindle your relationship with what you two used to do for fun. If dirty talk and pictures seems cold and shallow, try going on dates you two used to enjoy. If he doesn't go for it, there probably isn't much you can do, but your best bet is to show that you seriously do care.

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  • Why is it when a guy isn't ready to commit were the biggest jerks but when a woman isn't were supposed to understand "its not the right time" lol if you moved away for whatever reason why didn't he go with? And do you really love him cause it seems like your not ready cause your holding out for something or someone and if your not sure then you dont love him and yeah it seems like your stringing him along Which is why he now thinks well at least ill get some nudy pics out of her look either comit and move back or let him go all together

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  • Marriage won't work unless your both in on it, so you did the right thing. See if he can deal with a long distance relationship, it can definitely work but it is hard not sure whether he's an asshole but he's probably fairly upset if he was very serious about the proposal, and the natural response for us tends to be anger and attempts to prove masculinity (rejection can really damage that feeling for a guy).

    Consider being bluntly direct with what you want from your relationship and see if he can deal with working on still being friends and more if he wants but the whole move back and marriage being off the table for now.

    Good luck I hope this helps :)

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    • We were supposed to meetup half way tomorrow... he hasn't texted me in a week though

  • I feel sorry for the dude, because you really lead him on but i do believe in making amends, he is not being an asshole, a guy who loves with all of his heart can never ever be an asshole to the girls he once loved, he is doing this because he is hurt, i suggest that you tell exactly what you wrote here... but if you are going to leave him again or lead him on, or if you are not serious about this... just leave him the fuck alone he's been through enough.

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    • We are supposed to meet up tuesdsy.. he hasn't texted me all week.

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    • We're supposed to be driving 2.5 hours to meet one another..

    • We live 5 hours apart at the moment

  • Air your feelings completely. Just tell him everything that was going on in your head during those discussions--the voices that said 'no' and the ones that made you doubt--if he doesn't at least give you your say, you might want to give him a little more time.

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  • He's definitely just hurt. We act like sex is all we want when we're hurt like that, like we have no feelings for you whatsoever. The best thing you can do is what no girls EVER do, your favorite words to hear, but not in you vocab to speak, I FUCKED UP. I guarantee he's going to be stubborn and act life he doesn't want to hear it at first, but he'll still take your calls cuz he wants you in his life. If he won't listen and always cuts you off, write it all in a text, I mean he can't cut you off there. If he knows you were just scared not using him or leading him on he'll come around

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    • Well.. we were supposed to meet up Tuesday... he hasn't answered my texts in a week thou

    • I don't know, he sounds pretty distracted, or conflicted. Once I acted like that cuz I really really liked the girl I was doing that to, because my ex came back into the picture and I loved her we has history and I wasn't over her. I was conflicted cuz the other girl was great and so sweet to me, and even though I knew my ex was terrible for me I couldn't tell her no. Didn't want to hurt the other girl though, and didn't want to blow anything in the future with her when my ex and I inevitably broke up again, but I couldn't not give it another chance with her though. Hope that helps

  • Best thing is learn from this so next time in life your faced with an ultimatum like this you can hold your fears back and jump in two feet... Can't fix this but can learn from it in my opinion

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  • First off, if you're not ready for marriage then you did the right thing by declining. Perhaps you did change his views on you. He may know a lot about you but that doesn't give him a pass to not respect your feelings. The damage is done. He has to be the one to realize that he was pushing for something both parties could not agree with and that it wasn't about him. If he can't see pass that then that's his problem.

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  • It's very hard to fix things for sure trust me I've experience it way to many times and a lot of times guys will graded their hearts towards the woman who hurt them

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  • I've been on the guy end of this. I was deeply in love with a girl who moved away... I recently tried to get a hold of her, and she very creepily decided to cyberstalk me... definitely don't do that! All I would want is honesty, and explanation of past behaviours, apology, and a time period to try to work things out.

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  • A guy doesn't become an asshole, he just changes his behaviour. In this case, because you rejected him and it's too late to say yes now. No point in trying to figure out his behaviour any more than that. He's pissed but isn't strong enough to tell you off. The real sad thing is that you're so unromantic, whereas women want men to be romantic, not just to want sex. It's so not the way it works to calculate that you've lost something and then regret it. With romance, it's gotta work in the moment. You said no, so move on and leave it alone. Let him move on.

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  • In my opinion, He should never have had to ask you more than once. It is good to see that he stopped engaging in your game of charades, and manned up to his worth. When you lead people on, It might take them a minute. Then, They are gonna call it done. You cannot play people like that and think they are going to stick around. Not even as a friend. He did the right thing in hanging it up.

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    • I do believe in fighting for the one I love. I am married, and I have been for 11 years now thank you very much. I am old school. I believe in honesty. I don't put up with people when they lead me on. Now, If you are in a relationship and someone expresses that they want a future with you and their actions dictate otherwise, What are you going to believe? Their words? Or their actions? When one does not coincide with the other, Games are being played. Relationships don't last when people are strung along. If you allow that in your relationships, fine. Whatever floats your boat. But to me, for a relationship to last, I demand honesty.

    • Your absolutely right DocT1977. You don't need to justify yourself to that troll. If you look at his profile he is single and can't FIND A GIRL who would date him. He has a buddy on her Shifted or Shafted either way their both trolls and I would advise you to just block them.

    • @OptimisticallyBryant You're right. I know some people do choose to come on here and act a fool. I do get a kick out of assisting them in that endeavor from time to time. lol

  • When he decided to start pursuing a relationship with you the choice of lose him or date him was already given to you. He doesn't want to be just friends, and if you aren't his girl then he's going to be cold and selfish about your friendship

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  • It depends on how bad you want it. You just have to do your best to make him feel like you really want him and he is worthy of being with. Lots of dedication and time and you got to show him that you really love him basically, and you have to do it without demanding he return the emotion till he is ready.
    Its gonna be hard, if you want it bad enough it can happen

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  • Sounds like (if you really still want him) then just be honest with him... and even be brave enough to genuinely say sorry.

    Saying sorry is a very powerful thing and sadly these days something most people don't do enough. Especially women ( with regard to men).

    Also , ask him how he feels... and see what he tells you

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    • He wasn't ready in highschool and I 100% Understood. I moved away because I had a serious drug problem at the end and a drinking problem and an abusive father... I wanted to better my life... he couldn't move with me because he has a business he has to run and was taking care of and his house and family are all there... he asked me to move back from day 1 and I couldn't because I still had problems (he never drank or did drugs) I did when I met him, cleaned up because of him and bad things happened and I fell back into it, I have apologized and it doesn't phase him... we were supposed to meet up and I haven't heard from him in a week

  • Easy. Just say sorry and leave it up to him. If he really likes you he will come back. If not, he won't and then you can move onto someone better

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  • He sounds like an asshole that doesn't care anymore. Are you saying you're willing to move back home and marry him?

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  • You can't fix these things. He's probably accepted what you've told him.

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    • I never actually said no and I've never told him why... i just kept telling him it wasn't the right time for me to move and so on

    • Implied messages are far worse than explicit ones. You "told" him something through your lack of explanation.

    • Agreed, you didn't answer him but you gave him an answer regardless

  • You're 18-24... You're going to change so much in the next few years, you'll be glad you said no. Just take things slow, and if things work out in the future, awesome, if not, then you'd be glad with the decision you've made.

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  • just try re building a relation. probably he's fed up of proposals being rejected thrice, so he's trying to attract through dirty? also, tell him that you love him and you want to get into marriage with him..

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  • can't belive not one person has said this. But id start with an apology let him know u think u fucked up and why. If u try u can fix it trust me on this. But both partys need to be grown up about things.

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  • Never fear the loss of a friend... we all come... we all go...

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  • You're quiet young. Saying no to getting married was probably a good thing. It's better to get yourself fully sorted out ( emotionally, mentally and financially) before taking such decisions.

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    • In fact it's better to get married for money rather than love. After all there's a reason Disney girls always fell in "love" with rich princes and not poor cobblers. The reason was that love doesn't last but money can get you through tough times.

  • Leave the ball in his court

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  • Once the glass is broken, it's like pouring water into it...

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    • Perhaps, but with just a little effort, that glass can be mended and become stronger and hold water once more! Probably more of it, too! It's not impossible to fix something broken!

  • He needs to see something big from you

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  • I hate to bare the bad news but this is not fixable, Sorry
    You really hurt the man big time

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  • Honey, you fucked up. Because if I was him I wouldn't take your ass back.

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  • my opinion is its over. if it was me I'd want nothing to do with you

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 7

  • I know you said guys but imma answer anyway :D... So basically he told you how he felt and you gave him the one answer anybody and everybody takes as a flat out no. If I was in his shoes and I told him all this and he said "I am not ready" I would do the same as him he did to you.

    It is might not happen again. You did mess up and unfortunately you are going to have to deal with that. If you were/ are not actually ready you should have told him exactly why. How do you expect him to be okay with your answer if you didn't even give him a reason to be okay with it.

    Me and my boyfriend have never once fought because if we do not like something, we talk about it and we keep talking about it until we can both agree on something. Every choice he makes I am there to understand why he chose it and he is there the same way with me.

    If you want to fix things you need to talk to him and let him know the real truth and reason behind it and your fears. everyone is scared of creating a life with someone but that is a normal human reaction. But instead of freaking out about it, give it some time and slowly work your way into it until those fears of yours start to fade. These things do not happen over night!

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    • Yeah I can agree with thst a little bit but from a guys veiw is it's over because it was her leading something on and guys are simple and straight forward that's something that needs to be understood is that we do not catch hints if your not flat out with it we are not going to get it that's just how our minds work sorry that's the cold hard truth women also overly think things way to much and blow it up bigger than what it really is they make things too hard

    • @Countryboy1981 is right! I grew up being the youngest of 6 brothers and if they me anything it was to be honest with people 100%. There is no point in being scared to hurt their feelings because all that matters is how you feel. You can not make everyone happy you just have to work on making yourself happy. If getting this guy back would make yourself happy they you have to open up to him 100% about everything or else nothing it going to change or get solved...

      I am not going to be one of those people that sits here telling you "everything is going to be okay" because nothing is going to be okay unless you do something about it. Stop being scared and talk to him and figure it out. You're a big girl now and I believe you can do it!

    • We were supposed to meet up half way on tuesdsy and I haven't heard from him in a week... so my assumption is that we aren't. . I fully planned on telling him everything.
      I never lead him on. I loved him in highschool and I wanted to be with him more than anything and he wasn't ready and that was fine.. I was still there for him even after being his booty call for 3 years and his best friend. I moved because I had serious problems and I wasn't able to move back and I was afraid to say yes to him because I cared a lot and if we didn't work out I would have been devastated. .. I never once lead him on. I never said yes, I said it wasn't the right time.

  • If he is your best friend then you know him pretty well i assume. So you should tell him exactly what you told us! The truth. And nothing but the truth. Tell him you were scared out of your wits and you didn't know what to do. He seems to really care about you and you are going to regret this hun, you already are. Don't beat yourself up though because you were scared, everyone gets scared, i mean i totally understand why you did what you did. You didn't want to take the chance of saying yes, and then having him leave you in the dust because then you wouldve been really fucked.

    But, have you asked yourself why you are so afraid? Of the outcome? Of the unknown?

    I dont know this guy but you do. Would he really leave you?

    When he asked you and you didn't know what to do, did you know what you WANTED to do?

    Best of luck:)

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  • How old is he?

    Maybe you're not ready for marrisge. You're very young it's understsndabke. or maybe you're not ready to move. thats also understandable..

    He want ready to move or he'd have moved with you instead of expecting you to uproot. Why couldn't he moved with you instead if he wanted you so much?

    It seems he's put a lot of pressure on you for someoen whoop he loves.

    I don't see why he's in a rush unless he's much older in which he should understand you do need time.

    Love is supposed to be patient not implusive and demanding

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  • Seems like you're not ready for the type of commitment he wants, you're young so that's understandable. Why is he in such a hurry? And if he loves you so much why didn't he move with you?

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  • just explain yourself to him. dont worry

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  • Tell him/ask him what u told and asked us
    n say sorry u want a second chance.

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  • Trust can't be rebuilt and if it can teach me good luck

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