My relationship problem?

I think I'm terrible at relationships. Here's why. I get really offended when someone doesn't like me. So when I'm dating someone, if they don't contact/reply to me as much as I think they should, I get upset and obsessive. I check my phone every five seconds, I check my email and Facebook and all the other stuff all the time, and I get mad when there's nothing in my inbox. I agonize over it, I wake up in the middle of the night to check my phone, etc.

The funny thing is, I'm often not even romantically interested in the people that I'm obsessing over. It just upsets me that they don't like me, lol.

I sound like a crazy person, but I'm not really. I don't really even mention it to the people that I'm dating. I just obsess over it by myself, and in the process, I confuse "being in love so my heart jumps when I get a message" and "waiting for a reply and being relieved when I get a message". So I basically just trick myself into dating people that I don't even like for a long time, when I really should have told them no after a couple of dates.

Does anyone else have this kind of problem? I'm a high achiever and I have high self-esteem (although, who knows, maybe we all secretly have low self-esteem) so I think that's where my problem stems from. I try to think long and hard about whether I like my dates now, but that already feels wrong. I feel like love should be easier than this. Maybe this means that I've never really been in love.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • What you are is OCD and a control freak. You have control over almost all aspects of your life; however, you don't have control over this thing called love. Because you cannot control it, it's normal to have doubt. Because you can't control this, your subconscious is doubting all the other aspects that makes you special or fantastic. Maybe you're not as good as you think. If you're such a great person, why don't guys just grovel over you? Honestly, I just don't think you found the right guy yet. More importantly, you're going to have to understand people's behavior better. Guys maybe interested in you, but they don't want to be door mats or be presumed as needy. They will take their time and play some games to try to keep you interested. Just relax.

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    • As a matter of fact, I usually have 2-3 guys who want to date me (but I'm picky, and I'd rather not), so I do happen to think that I'm pretty attractive ;) You're right about OCD and a control freak, though - I'm pretty successful in life because I can control most things in life by working hard or whatever, but that certainly doesn't work for love. However, being a control freak, I could definitely convince myself to relax more. The question is, how far do I relax? If my boyfriend doesn't contact me for two weeks, there's definitely a problem. If I'm upset about my boyfriend not contacting me for a day, I probably have a problem. Where do I draw the line, so that /I/ don't become a doormat? You can't tell me to follow my heart, because I'm OCD! :P

    • Then, I would say not to date a military man, lol. Anyway, a few days is probably where the line is. If he informs you that he can't talk to you for a certain time period, then you should try to understand. In the perfect world, how long does it take to call or text and say good night, I love you, and miss you. It doesn't but sometimes us guys just are onto the next thing.

What Guys Said 1

  • "maybe we all secretly have low self-esteem" i would have said that if you hadn't. I don't think you are a crazy person, i just think you are an attention hogger (needy if you will). Focus always has to be on you, and when the person is not physically there, you like to know that they are still thinking of you. Your proof for that is in the texts and emails etc. So when you don't get those, you get upset, and fret. convince yourself they aren't thinking of you, so no attention.

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    • Sounds about right. I'm not needy at all and I take care of myself rather than rely on others, but at the same time, I love the attention :) My job gets me a lot of attention from the others too haha. I guess this is why people say that trust is important in relationships - you have to trust that your SO is thinking of you even when you don't hear from them... Although I feel like that usually leads to pathetic clingyness!

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    • :) I don't have anyone particular at the moment. But anyway I'm extremely logical and calm, and of course I know that voicing these things will scare men away! I had some back-stabbing dramas throughout my life (not related to relationships), so trust does not come easily for me. But I also know that at some point I have to make the leap. Maybe I'm almost ready for a relationship!

    • I feel you, im in the same zone myself, turning down anything potential because i don't want to make that trust leap. I too can get a little clingy once i start to open up... so i just... dont.. or i make it in such a way that im open, but not really. Its a phrasing thing.

What Girls Said 1

  • try professional help. you might discover the problem and cure it that way.

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    • As funny as it sounds, I don't think the professionals are actually that good. I'm smart enough to diagnose and fix the problem on my own, as I don't need medicines at this particular moment. I think I'll know when I need actual help. I sound conceited but I'm very very successful and I consider myself smarter than pretty much most of the psychiatrists.

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