How do I emotionally heal myself and move on knowing I will never find anyone to love me?

I have only had one guy like me, it was pure luck. We weren't together long enough for me to know if he would have ended it if i hadn't. Anyway, besides that.. every single guy has pursued me, consistently shown interest, made plans, connected, gotten close etc but always rejected me once things got real. I don't really care about that anymore, just what it has left me with. I am tired of figuring out what went wrong or what I did wrong or what I could have done the next time. I have been through all of it in the past decade. I now know I tried, gave it my best shot and never found anyone. I never found anyone when I was open to love and without baggage so it definitely won't happen now. Also because I really don't want to go through the whole thing again and every guy I meet or get asked out by will probably end up doing the same thing anyway. I have no interest in taking the risk of finding out if one guy miraculously is dumb enough to actually want to commit to me.

But the basic question I have is how do I heal and love myself again? How do I fix my low sense of self-worth and self-esteem that was caused by every single guy not thinking I'm worth committing to. I am lucky to say that everyone around me is in healthy relationships and I am not cynical. I think love must make them so happy and complete but I have always been the single one, knowing my time would come. But it never did and now I don't even want it to. I'm done. But I would love to get any suggestions on how I can improve my thought process and live happily being alone for the rest of my life? I don't have hope for romantic love, so thats not an option. I just want to know how I can be like I was when I was 20, completely unaware about meeting someone or even preoccupying myself with the idea. I want to go back to that time when having a relationship just wasn't important and to the time I kept myself happy. If anyway, has gone through it or has suggestions.. please help!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, I was in your place. Choosing the "right person" who is worth it, That is going to be a real struggle. I tend to look at it this way. I had the bar of standards set high. I got disappointed when I saw so many ladies were not stacking up as I would get cheated on, Lied to, The whole bit. So out of frustration, I resigned myself to the idea that there were no moral women out there at all. So painfully, I decided to put the idea of prospecting for a good woman on the shelf and focus on things like career among other things. I chose to address and build other aspects of my life and pour everything into that. Soon, I no longer cared if I was with anyone or not. I was no longer fighting myself over what appeared to be the reality of my situation. So after a while, I met a girl who actually had similar circumstances. We had no intentions. But we started out as friends and things just went from one thing to the other, and I don't know how. But her and I are married and have been for over eleven years. They say it happens when you aren't hence looking and not expecting it. Mine happened unexpectedly.

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    • Pardon a few of my typos. lol Bear with me here.

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    • Yes! I always smart about such things, I always made sure the guys were showing healthy signs of interest. So if even after a process of elimination, the good guys don't want me... then I have to fill my love with other things. I guess focussing on my career and hobbies will be good. And I think the difference between you (11 years ago) and me is that I don't want to fall in love or find anything remotely close to it. I have never had a fling (never saw the point) but now that I know I won't find a guy who could like me enough to commit, I think I'll date and have casual flings whenever I feel lonely.

    • Now, some of these guys that may seem desirable, they may be telling you one thing while their actions say another. Or it could merely be a matter of shyness. Who knows. On either side of the fence, Both men and women have their guard up as many of us have been burned before. It takes me a while to warm up to people. That's still the case with me actually. But if they pull out, and act like they want you and when it comes time for a committment, they disappear, You are simply going to have to trust that the right ones are going to the curb.

What Guys Said 3

  • There a big tendency that we get the life we expect or think we deserve and your ".. knowing I will never find anyone to love me" pretty much sums it all up.

    Your happiness starts and ends with you.
    If you place your happiness in external things and other people you will struggle to find happiness. Happiness and love is not really something other people can give you. All they can do is be a reminder that you have those things already inside yourself.

    Many people feel lost and broken and place all their hope in finding someone that will take all that away. Usually it's just a temporary fix that doesn't last that long.

    You need passion and purpose in your life. It doesn't matter what it is as long as it's important to you. When you are "complete" within yourself you are likely to find joy in life and also attract other people into your life that want to share that joy with you.

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    • That was my outlook for years, after the last heartbreak... I took a hard look at things and its a fact, guys never committed to me. Some things are easier said and I do want to be happy again but the rejection has had negative outcomes for my emotionality and mental wellbeing. Its all I want to regain. I don't mind not meeting anyone ever because I know I gave it my best shot. I was open to love, honest and genuine. My happiness does not depend on people but imagine if you got rejected your whole life? It would be hard to get back to keeping yourself happy again if you are constantly reminded of how unworthy of love you are. I give people love, my friends and family. I love that my friends are in love so I am not cynical or bitter. I just realise my situation and accept it. Its ok to give up if you know you truly tried with a good heart and intent.

    • Imagining rejection isn't really hard for a guy to do. Most of us have to endure hundreds of rejections until we finally find the one.

      You contradict yourself when you say that your happiness does not depend on other people yet at the same time you say that rejection and the reminder of unworthiness gets to you. This very statement proves that your happiness is very much dependent on the approval of others, and there is your problem. Other people don't dictate if you are worthy of love or not. You do.

      Not having a partner is not the same as living a life without love. And giving up the idea of having a partner is also not the same as giving up the idea of love.

      Broaden your perspective of what love really is. What is means to live a loving life.

      True happiness is achieved when you realize that love is a state of being. Something that emanates from you. And when you see this you will stop craving love from others, since you already have it, and always will.

  • To be honest, I skimmed your post as opposed to reading each and every word (to be fair, it was long). It sounds like you could benefit from therapy. I would advise seeing a therapist to sort these emotions out.

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    • Does therapy really help? Its a choice though, no guy has ever committed to me.. despite being all loving.. so the basic conclusion is guys never really liked me or will like me. Its quite simple, I just want to be happy about the choice rather than feel hurt by the constant rejection I faced.

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    • Yes! Thank you, I'll give it a shot

    • No problem, hope it helps

  • You have to find your own happiness it starts with you

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