Guys, perfect coffee date with online match: what happened?

I recently joined a dating website and met a nice guy right away. He messaged me, was always very polite, and flirted a little. We met for coffee and he turned out to be the real deal. He is nice looking and owns a successful business. We talked for almost 2 hours and seemed to have a good connection. He asked many thoughtful questions and seemed to be genuinely interested in me and my future. At times it was like he was interviewing me for the position of girlfriend or wife. I am a very confident woman and my profile was honest, so I didn't mind answering his questions. I like a man who is selective and he says that he has been searching for his "match" for 7 months now. I'm also usually very intuitive. I felt like he was physically attracted and mentally stimulated by our easy-flowing conversation. I sent him a message a few days later to say that I enjoyed meeting and talking with him, but so far he has not responded. It has now been almost 2 weeks. Does this mean that he is definitely NOT interested? Or that he's talking with other women and carefully weighing his options? Or that he's busy working and watching the basketball championship with his buddies? I'm confused!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think you probably over-answered his questions and ended up triggering a red flag.

    While you felt comfortable answering the questions he asked, you should not be answering in a lot of detail in the first date. The first few meetings are not intended to be an interview. It should be causal chattiness and fun.

    The reason to be vague in your answers is because a guy at his age (mid-30's I'm assuming), will have his scanners on full alert. By his age, he is probably looking for a long-term relationship or potential wife. But with age, he has also become extremely picky. Girls do this also.

    Basically, he's looking for a wife, but in the back of his head, he has all these criteria and expectations of his perfect mate. Red flags could be: she smokes, she drinks/parties too much, she has pets and he's allergic, she seems like she has baggage or too much drama, bad family relationships, too many ex-boyfriends... etc.

    By going into too much detail before he has committed to liking you, you triggered a number of red flags and he may have decided to bail - even though you two got along during your meeting. Let's assume his red flag was that you had a giant dog and he's allergic, or you smoke. If you guys met for several dates first, had some fun, kissed, etc... whatever it leads up to... then he finds out you had a dog - or that you smoke - he is more likely to stick around and give it a try.

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What Guys Said 35

  • Hi there. I think I know how this guy operates because I have a similar mind.
    There were most definitely things that you said which put him off contacting you again.
    Even if he was smiling and casual with everything you said, there was something he didn't like.
    If you can remember a moment where the vibe felt a little different, a moment where he was slightly less talkative or slightly less interested, then you can try and remember what you were talking about at that time.

    I would suggest not worrying about him further, he should have had the balls to tell you that he isn't interested in anything more but instead he took the low road and chose to ignore you. I admit I did that once in my life when I was 19.
    Now days I have the balls to tell the girl that I'm not interested in a relationship with them because I feel as if we are incompatible.

    There was something he wasn't happy about.
    He is scared of conflict which is why he put on a happy face from the beginning all the way to the end of the date. He hugged you at the end of the date but he didn't kiss you.
    If you can remember what you and him spoke about mostly.
    He most likely asked follow up questions to whatever put him off so if you can remember what he wanted to go into detail about, you may be able to realise what put him off.

    I hope this helps..

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  • Wow this one isn't as easy as most ( does he like me ) questions. The way you stated it was sort of like an interview strike me as being an odd evaluation o what it was like to speak to this man and have him ask you questions. I have honestly never been on a dating site or match site in my life , so I could be missing insure that could be of benefit ( not personally ) in answering this. If I had to guess he is still keeping his options open and talking to other women , but that doesn't automatically mean he isn't interested in you. I must admit that it would have been polite to reply to your message , even a simple hello I also had a good time and glad you enjoyed yourself would have been a plus. Being a business owner , I suppose his schedule could limit his internet time to some degree ; I know that notion is a bit of a stretch tho. If you haven't heard anything by weeks end , it would prolly be safe to not hope for him to reply at all. Sorry it's long winded young Lady

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  • Well any man who can't take time to contact a woman
    after he went on date with her i would think he isn't showing no interest
    if his life is that busy than he has no time for dating / relationships
    oh i think he is fishing around with dating other women too so the
    man doesn't sound like he is ready to settle down with a relationship

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  • There is no real way to tell exactly what happened. Most likely he doesn't want to give this area of his life (pursing meaningful romantic relationship) a priority in his life.
    If you want to test the idea that he may be looking for something less meaningful you could turn up the heat on your messages to him and see if he responds.
    But it's probably better to just be honest and move on.

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  • Sounds like he may be busy, or weighing his options, he sounds confident and cool, and is probably seeing other women until he finds one that he thinks is worth giving more time too

    This does not mean he did not like you, or doesn't want to see you again

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    • What this guy said.

      He isn't sold on just one gal yet which he shouldn't be. That's the unfortunate world of dating that if you want to find the best match you gotta check out all the prospects first.

  • Yeah he's going on first dates constantly.

    You didn't make the cut for round two.

    He could have sent a polite 'nice meeting you' text. I guess a single date doesn't warrant an explanation or break up he just didn't ask you out again.

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  • I've had the same shit happen to me. I don't know what was wrong or if I did something wrong or what.

    You're new to online dating - this is what happens sometimes. It sucks. You'll meet amazing people and have a great time, but you'll also meet people who mess you around and waste your time. You have to take the good with the bad.

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  • I think that in the end, after he exaggerated who he was, he saw how confident and intelligent you are, realized he isn't good enough to keep up with you and decided to invest time in a woman too dumb to eventually pick up on the fact that he isn't what he's pretending to be. Also, you may not be as intuitive as you think, or you may have stifled your intuition because you wanted to believe him even though deep down you know he's a tool. Think back on your date, was there any point that you doubted him, but then thought you were being cynical? I'm sure he's a turd.

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  • I bet it is the second option. Most likely he is going out with a variety of women. Sounds to me like you stood out and most likely he will be back.

    I would not wait around though... might as well be proactive and go on a couple of dates yourself :)

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  • It could also be that he tragically passed away, like in a car accident, shortly after your first date. Why don't you give him a call? tell him you're worried about him, since you haven't heard from him. You want to make sure he's ok. Even if he's no longer interested (which is another high probability) the human in him should move him to reply to you, so that you don't continue worrying about him. If he doesn't, then I would file a missing person case. lol... I was just kidding with that last statement, but seriously I wish you the best sweetie.

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  • Not to be a downer, but he's probably moved on. Interviewing types who have almost business type conversations... are looking for perfection in their eyes. Even if you came close, you won't amount to much to them... maybe a brief fling, a second date or something of the like. They will contact you within a day or two if you stand out beyond the norm. Sorry

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  • I want to text the girl right away and it takes a lot to not over contact, especially on the internet. Or maybe he is playing hard to get, he wants you to want him, he wants you to be after him because he thinks he is the boss... If it turns you on to be submissive, hit him back. If you are the boss and you have strong pride, forget it.

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  • Two weeks? No, it's time to move on. There's someone else out there for you, don't sweat it.

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  • My guess is that he is busy both with work and his girlfriend, yes thats right lol why we do this I really don't know but when I know that things are not great anymore between me and a girl , I start shopping right away, I guess that I dont want to be left alone for too long. I would contact him! And ALL women should start being the aggressor at least to some extent!! The double standard of equality vers chivalry in my opinion is BAZZARE

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  • sounds like he knows he s a catch and is very skeptical of the women he dates, you must have somehow triggered something he considers a red flag. Just my best guess.

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  • Well anything could be. Maybe his computer just broke or maybe he found a girl she liked more. I weight my options a lot. And it takes a while for me to decide if she is gonna be my wife or not after being my GF for quite a while. I recommend you to just wait but keep searching without making an actual move. Just in case never jump right away into the mariage thing. Many women make that mistake. If you jumped into that you scared him as you are talking about something we really take seriously and we really want to know the woman before that.

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  • This is why I would never date online. If I can't keep it local and find a home girl, it just isn't going to work.

    If I go on a coffee and Ghero sandwich date, I sure don't want it to be through a pixelated camera image.

    It just seems bizarre to me. A business meeting, maybe, but dating?

    I don't get it. I could never keep up with it.

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  • You said you're intuitive. Use that intuition and figure it out.

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  • Unfortunately it does sound like he's not interested. It's not like after one date he needs to already make the decision to progress with a serious relationship. It is disappointing but that's the reality of it. On the bright side you are free to keep exploring your options as well so brush it off and keep looking. :)

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  • If he's been looking for 7 months he takes his time. Give him another week or so and if no contact move on.

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  • Not interested. But i kinda get why.. you based everything yoy learned of him on his monetary success and as you put it.. interested in your future. You never mentioned one thing of value about his past, where he's from etc. Smell entitlement

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    • Im just saying.. maybe if you wouldve focused on him as a human being you wouldve learned more of him and not what he can do for YOU

      Successful mature men can read bullshit. I honestly believe this was it

    • I also realized your age. Hearing some 34 year old make reference to their future like some college coed reads LOSER all over. Be mindful of this in the future

  • Don't be confused it didn't click on his end. Shit happens... Were you ready to make a life commitment after one coffee date? I didn't think so. There is one out there for you. Just not him

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  • Usually we don't make a girl wait that long for an answer. in my opinion he didn't mean to hurt you or anything but he just didn't find in you what he was looking for.

    I wouldn't wait for him too long if I were you.

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  • Probably not interested. I don't wait 2 weeks to get in contact with a girl that I'm interested in.

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  • he seems as if he dont want to settle down and still wants to play.

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  • We skipped coffee and had sex.

    Sorry, had to.

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  • You are officially back-up plan A.

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  • If he was interested he would of contacted you by now..

    Move on.. he is a dead end.

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  • It is possible that he doesn't get on very often

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  • Wow im sorry to hear that. That sucks, i would be so dissappointed. What dating site was it?

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