Why is my girlfriend not affectionate?

Why is my girlfriend not affectionate? Isn't lack of affection usually a sign of loosing interest or worse someone else being there?

The bad part is, that makes me push more with the kiss, hug etc which is I believe making "not being affectionate" things even worse. A friend told me to stop showing affection as well as it's always "You don't know what you are missing until you loose it" but that sounds fake/game which I don't want to go through.

Updates:
Thank you so much for the responses. Even though she wasn't a very affectionate person to begin with it definitely got to none lately. Anywho, listening to everyone I actually talked to her today, well turns out she was frustrated at me for not being affectionate. Go figure! But definitely the best advice, is "just say it as it is"

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Don't play games. Sounds like she is over the relationship you're into...
    Ask her and don't take a vague answer for an answer... make her mad if you have to, but make sure she's telling the truth.
    If she wants to break up with you, she's being unfair to you by staying in a sham of a relationship.
    If she's going through something, she should've told you this, so you'd know how to act around her and not to take her actions so personally.
    Anyways, communications is key, and it seems as if you two are lacking that.

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    • I think she is thinking of a way to break it to him that she's with some one else. I can allmost bet she has been cheating on him and is in love with another. She would feel to guilty showing affection. How she thinks this is the thing to do I don't know. She definatly is hiding something. If she won't open up and seriously say what's in her mind that should answer his own question right there. Do t you think

    • Show All
    • Thank you

    • No problem.
      Thank you. =)

What Girls Said 24

  • I say talk to her.
    It's important for partners to show love and appreciation towards one another so I think communicating about it is a good idea.
    While she acts like this towards you, and doesn't respond well to you being more loving, it doesn't seem like she's doing it for the attention. It seems to me like she's contemplating you two or she's been in a bad mood.
    Honestly just talk to her (:
    If that doesn't work, don't stick to it. You may have a lot of feelings for her, but it's a game. You deserve someone who will treat you with love and compassion, not someone who pushes you away.

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  • Yeah, don't try to play that kind of game. The best way is to communicate with her, ask her what is really wrong. Should could be going through some weird phase or she might be loosing interest in you. You got to find out.

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  • Look at all the people assuming she's cheating and predicting a break up.

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

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  • This may sound harsh but she might not be attracted to you anymore. It's just something that can happen over the course of a relationship. Not like you're doing anything wrong. It'll be great for you to find someone that this doesn't happen with. Then you know that they're really good for you.

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  • hahaha , it looks like u already got ur answer :) , all am left to say is all the best for the future , and being honest is a classic but never old way of the making the relationship go in the right direction

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  • I think that's a sign something is wrong. I know I get that way sometimes when I think my guy isn't into the relationship anymore. It's a way of pulling away from a bad situation. I use it as a guard.. not sure how other girls do but I'd ask her about it.

    Be honest and be brave, good luck!

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  • Has it always been this way or is it a recent change?
    Some people are just not very affectionate people.

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    • That's actually a recent change, which is why I'm worried. I guess it would have been ok if she was never affectionate

    • Something's up. You need to talk to her.

  • She could be having a depression problem of some sort or you could be smothering her with attention. Don't ever try to force affection on someone who doesn't want it. If she already wants to break up with you, then invading her boundaries is going to make her completely fed up with you.

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  • Ask her what's wrong. She might be being teased about it, or she's insecure, or there's a deeper problem that's disturbing her. Of course, it COULD be that she's not interested, or worse, she could be cheating, but there's no harm in talking to her about it.

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  • to be honest I'm in two + year relationship never broken up and I know at one point I became completely unaffectionate because he changed the way he kissed me, I felt like he was never gonna leave so I was too comfortable I forgot about working towards the relationship. As well as being busy and tires or she might feel like you are taking her for granted but it truly depends on how she is acting because the reason could be a lot worse.
    Not to scare you.

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  • Some people just aren't affectionate. If she wasn't affectionate in the beginning, you can't expect her to be affectionate now. I don't know her, but maybe she needs time to build on it and become comfortable with it. Your best bet is to talk to her. Don't withdraw or play games in a hope you'll find your answer. Communication is key in every relationship.

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  • Some people just aren't cuddly. I'm not a super affectionate lady myself but it has nothing to do with how much I care about someone. Would advice not to play that game your friend suggested. Have a heart to heart with her and hopefully you two can figure out a happy medium. :)

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  • Aww this question just broke my heart a little. *virtual hugs from GAG community* xox

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  • If she isn't being affectionate there is a reason you need to spk to her there may be something wrong that she can't talk to you about so may make it easier if you approach her... im a very affectionate woman I like to touch and cuggle and run my fingers all over my partner its intimate its nice and if you ain't getting this then something is wrong some where.

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  • is it a new relationship? cuz maybe she's like that or she's adapting to u. Once a guy toldm I was giving him cold to him (we were dating) but It was because I expected him to make the first move of affection cuz I'm not very affectionate.

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  • it's true that if you are being affectionate too much that will shut her down. She wants to be affectionate as well but the thing is you won't like it much. If a guy shows affection, then they always like someone cold. opposite attracts

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    • I have to disagree. If you have feelings towards someone the natural thing is to be affectionate showing you care for and your feelings are that way.
      This opposites attract doesn't apply here.
      If one shows affection and other doesn't return any affection that means the other does not have the same feelings.
      This girl likely feels guilty enough as it is with out showing affection because I am thinking she has feelings towards another or is in love with some other guy. God forbid she has been cheating on the poor guy and she's hiding that. He needs to call her out or try to catch her cheating. Get a buddy to spy on her or secretly talk with her and see.

      Humans just like all species show affection if they are attracted to a other.
      Im not talking spread your legs for a guy you may have feelings for. Im talking little things such as holding hands/ arms around or hugging that person.
      Feel bad for him 😒

    • yeah.. maybe she is in love with someone else. Did you ask? why don't you ask her?

  • Was she always like that? Or did she change over time?

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    • She wasn't the most cuddly person but definetly had more affection before. It wasn't a gradual change either.

  • I am not the affectionate type, so I would really love to have a guy cuddle up to me :)

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  • Cause ur NOT all about that bass no treble,

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  • is she Aquarius then thats why? search that up if so then u will understand and know, its not her fault or she's not loosing interest she may just be like that to, it may be that she's not affectionate at all ever think that she does love u though if she's still with u dont forget that.

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  • Was she affectionate before?

    First off I'm not very affectionate at all so that just may be her. Have you tried talking to her about it?

    I found that when I was depressed I was even less affectionate than normal.

    Another reason could be that she is losing interest in you...

    Or maybe haven't picked up on something that you should have by now so she is standoffish.

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  • "is lack of affection usually a sign of loosing interest?"
    Yes!

    I say, you two may be breaking up very soon... Are there any other signs? www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a826-three-key-break-up-warning-signs

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  • Why don't you just ask her why she's not affectionate? Has she always been distance or is she recently distancing herself?

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    • I think this goes back to my point about, pushing too much, if I ask "why aren't you affectionate"

    • Well if you're in a serious relationship why are you afraid to share your concerns or thoughts? You're not pushing you're just asking why she is distant lately, if she is stressed or has too much on her mind.

What Guys Said 13

  • I don't think it necessarily has to be something really big, such as her cheating on you or her having a depression. Certainly, if it was one of those two option, there would be a bunch of other signs, for example
    cheating --> her being more bitchy than usually, more secretive, having mysterious mood swings, the feeling that you just caught her in a lie etc.
    depression --> generally, people talk way too much about depression. Depressions are actually a serious medical condition and you don't have one just because you're sad for a few days at a time. Warning signs would be sings like: a lack of interest not just in you but in everything, lack of motivation to do things she used to enjoy, sleeping a lot (even during the day), being generally pessimistic, sometimes abrupt mood things etc.

    As I said, it could easily be something much simpler, like her being very exhausted and stressed up about something. I know this from my girlfriend. These days my girlfriend has an extremely packed schedule. She usually leaves the house at 6-7 am and only returns around 8. I on the other hand have more free and thus feel much more relaxed. When I want to cuddle up to her she doesn't really respond to it either. But it's okay because I know it's just a phase and she's not doing it on purpose.

    Plus I also advise you to talk to her. Communication is extremely important. And no, you should not ask "why aren't you affectionate?" It's all about HOW you communicate. By asking her why she's not affectionate, you push her into a corner, you already assume that this is a given fact and thus you make it sound like an accusation (even if you don't mean it that way). Instead, try formulating I-messages instead of you-messages (my mom's a therapist and she always says that's very important). So say something like: "Lately I've had the feeling that you've become more distant towards me and it makes me sad. Do you feel that way too? Do you have an idea why you might feel this way?"

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  • Dude , I can totally relate !!
    U was with a girl that was like that 100%. She didn't show or give affection at all! I swear I got nothing. It was all one sided. She just took. No give.
    I longed for affection , anything , something for a while. Felt like a total dis functional relationship.
    She used to mention the fact I allways felt I didn't get any from her. At get together so etc she would go on to family saying I felt that way. Wtf was wrong with her?
    Talk about feeling alone even with her.

    Turns out, she was a cheating selfish cronic lier !! She moved some married guy into her place behind my back and kept that a secret for over a month while with me ! Crazy physco biatch.

    I sure hope that's not a sign she's in love with some one else. Or that she's a cheater and lier.
    This girl I was with has been in 10 relationships in the past cpl/ few years. I was in one. Only one.
    She starts new with another b4 ending the one she in. It's a sickness this girl has.
    Hope it works out for you. It's not good sounding. If you care about or love someone showing affection comes easy. There's no such thing as not knowing how to give affection. That girl tried to say she didn't know how to give affection? Is that physco or what.

    I would be concerned. Sounds like her feeling are elsewhere. Let us know what happens please.

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  • Alright dude. Everybody seems to have given you Solid opinions and I didn't see anything that is too far fetched. You gotta ask yourself how long have you been together? Is she expecting more from you in other areas that you are not contributing? Like is she looking to get married and you're dragging your heels. If you live together it can be something as small as you're not putting your dirty socks where they should go. If you've been together for an extended period of time that's just the way it goes. Affection is not the glue that holds a relationship together it might start one but that's it. We all remember the days when we never get out of bed with each other or stop holding hands and small kisses on public. The only thing that holds a relationship is a common bond, trust and commitment. It needs all three or you don't really have anything. for all we know you could've done or said something 6 months ago and she is just festering it in her mind. My wife and I have had our ups n downs. And when it's bad... dude. And when it's good. You know why you're together. I can go on all day but you will not make any progress until you talk to her. And when you talk to her. Don't put it on her. i. e "what's up you're not affectionate anymore" you've lost before you began. Girls feel guys think. So Think like her and say what you feel. "Hey can I talk to you? I FEEL like the affection between us has diminished or lessened (whatever words you use) I just want to know is it something I'm doing or not doing? Boom you're in. Just be ready for whatever she tells you. Remember to attack the ssituation and not each other and you will be fine. Good luck bro

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  • did you quarrel with her recently?

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  • If she affectionate before and now she's not, yes that's a very bad sign.

    If she's never been affectionate, then maybe it's just her personality. Judging by your update the latter may be your case.

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  • Is she isn't very affectionate from the start maybe she won't be that affectionate layout... But it can also be because of depression.. she must be suffering slightly from depression...

    Or the worst could be that she is done with you!!!

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  • Some girls do that, they don't have it in themselves to be direct, either. You have to talk this through with her and be direct, yourself.

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  • See what happens when you don't hit your spouse every now and again?

    You need some fire. Some reaction.

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  • U have to play the game. people are corrupt when they have full power. This continues into marriage.

    For women, respect and attraction is same thing. Do as much as she doesn't... She's feeling unchallenged.

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  • She has aids

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  • Just work on the lagging upper chest and she will probably turn around

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  • The more you push and want to get it the less you will receive. Some people are just not wired like that. And apparently at your update it seems it was miscommunication but time will tell.

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  • I don't know because my relationship is in the reverse of this and I am the one not showing much affection to my girlfriend. Personally it is not that I don't love her or that there is someone else, I am just like that. Remember there are 5 different kinds of love languages though so everyone for there own.

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