How can I rebuild my trust after being cheated on?

Been with bf 3.5 years.... he cheated over a year ago. It was a very elaborate thing, he was secretly talking with his ex from another country online and planning to leave the US to marry her. This was over the course of 2 months. I guess he changed his mind at some point, I found out and forgave him. Now our relationship is pretty solid, better than ever ...but I find myself having insecurity attacks. Example: I sleep over his house 5-6 nights a week. Last night I did not, and when I came over today I saw he had a nice dress shirt and dress shoes tossed on the floor (used) from the previous night. Obviously he knew I would see them, and I SO wanted to ask if he had gone somewhere last night. I went to the bathroom and cried because I hate being triggered like this and automatically assuming the worst. He is open with me, but after the cheating I refuse to go through his phone or computer at all to snoop. It doesn't help that he is very attractive and has many female friends. As well that he refuses to change his Facebook status to in a relationship, instead it is just blank. He has never changed it for any gf in the past. He does post pictures of us though, but still. How can I get through this? Every time I take one step forward, it's 3 back. =(


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Some of the answers given are useless. There is nothing wrong with you at all, you are justified to feel this way. It is him at fault, not you. Whatever his betrayal, it is you that feels hurt or not, you can't control this and you have to accept whilst you are with him, it will always bother you.

    A year has passed, so maybe its time you start asking yourself, is he doing enough to help me get over it? Has he earnt my trust? Only you can know deep down what the answer to these questions are.

    For example, does he try and help you, or reassure you? Has he shown a desire to prove that he has changed and that he won't betray you again? Are you able to talk to him about your insecurities or are you fearing he may get angry?

    Obviously I do not know your partner, but I can say from and outside view it sounds like he has you under a bit of a magic spell. If he has cheated on you already, but can't compromise with even little things like changing his Facebook status then something is wrong. It doesn't necessarily mean he is going to use Facebook to chat to other girls, but it does show he has no desire to change for you, or to help you through this. It also shows he has no empathy towards the way you feel.

    So I think you need to question this and make a decision. It can work and you can trust again, but you can't make yourself trust someone, its his job to earn your trust.

    I know I have been in your situation before and I tried to make things work, it never did and now I am glad I moved on. If she showed she was willing to change and earn my trust things could have been different, but she didn't so I ended things.

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    • To add to what I have said already, I think you should be in a situation where you can cry with him, not to be afraid and cry on your own. This in itself seems to signify you don't really trust him.

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    • Hi, thanks for such an honest answer. He has definitely changed and reassured me. Except for the Facebook issue of course. I am trying so hard to move on, but at times I exhaust myself doubting and over thinking things.

    • Are you sure your worry isn't justified? Its completely normal to feel the way you do, but I think how you feel is out of your control. You can't really tell yourself to stop worrying, its up to him to prove it to you.

What Guys Said 3

  • You should of broken up with him after he cheated. You will probably never rebuild your trust with him. It will always be in the back of your mind. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. I think this shows you something needs to change. Its been over a year ago your trust hasn't been rebuilt. Time to find someone better

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  • u need to visit a psychiatrist, im serious
    you have serious anxiety and if you dont work on it now it will lead to depression

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  • No elaborate thing... just coordinating a marriage online behind my back with another woman.. LMAO

    It's amazing how clueless people are.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Trust is very hard to rebuild. If he has changed and is reassuring you as you suggested in the below comments, it's time for you to work on trusting again. You are currently living in the story of him cheating. Yes it happened, but if it's not happening now, it's a story. You have to separate story from reality. The question you asked yourself when you saw the dress shirt; "Did he go out and do something bad last night?" is that an assumption and a story or is it reality?

    If you are spending so much time together you should just ask him, "Hey, how was your day yesterday? What did you do last night?" and make decisions of trust based on facts. You may get a very simple answer in return. It's always better to ask than to assume.

    Ask yourself this same question any other time the issue of trust comes up. Am I living in the story of he's a cheater, or am I living in the reality of our relationship now?

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  • Your boyfriend needs to understand there is a grieving period of trying to get over what he has done to you, and needs to do all he can to earn your trust back. By refusing to make your love life apparent to friends and family, and also to remain on Facebook with many females he has access to, it's not helping matters. Sounds like you do not live together if you stay over five nights a week, so yes, of course you're going to feel vulnerable while you're away and he should be very sorry for what he's done to you and to do what ever is necessary to earn your trust back. It's been a year, and yes there are going to be triggers and he needs to respect that. No one gets this unless they are the wronged-person. Usually the cheater thinks that if they've done this and are taken back then all should be forgotten. Wrong. This is going to be something that will take patience and time that may last as long as the relationship does. If the shoe was on the other foot, how does he expect you to feel?

    I do think that couples counselling might be the way to go, at least to put the issue out on the table with someone who is trained to give you both perspective on why there is cheating in the first place and what the other person needs in order to regain trust.

    At this time, it sounds like he's doing very little to reassure you, as removing Facebook should have been the first thing he does and not put himself in the way of temptation again. Honestly though, to carry on with wanting to marry another girl is pretty serious - it wasn't as if it's a mindless fling, but to have this sort of feeling for an ex? He has to be honest about how he feels about you and whether or not he's settling. Is it the ex who rejected him and now you're his second-best? Or was this a mistake and he didn't want to risk losing you knowing that his ex is an ex for a reason? This sort of thing needs to be dealt with and you're going to remain constantly worried unless he works at regaining your trust.

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    • Thanks, very insightful answer. I do think talking to someone would help. His ex is the one who told me everything... he apparently called the whole marriage thing off and told her he made a mistake, then she reached out to me and told me. Thank you again.

  • @beesod said it perfectly but I will add. If you are wondering if he went out last night, ask? You are in a relationship together, so if something is bothering you, you should be able to talk to him. And he should have no issue in telling you. He is the one that messed up, not you. You also should talk to a therapist so that you realize, your worth is not defined by his value of you. No matter what you do, if he wants to cheat again, you can't stop him. If he does do that, there is no excuse and you need to make a choice to live without him for what's best for you

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    • Thanks, I know if I asked, he would tell me. I do think talking to a therapist would help somewhat.

  • I'm sorry I could never re trust and go get yourself checked.

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  • he was planning to marry her and you still stayed with him? I'm sorry but thats really stupid. He obviously doesn't love you. You should have some self respect and leave him.

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