Why didn't my bf defend me?

So my bf and his 2 sisters were going to pitch in for one big mothers day gift for their mom. My bf asked me to go in on it this year because I get along really well with his mom and we have been together 4 years. Of course I said yes. So I'm prepared to go in on this gift and about a week later my bf says he wants to talk to me about the gift. I said what's up and he said his one sister doesn't want me to go in on the gift and she is upset about it. I was really taken back by this and hurt and confused as to why its a big deal besides with another person going in on the gift that is less money she has to spend. So I then said to my bf well what did your sister say when you told her that I am going to go in on the gift anyway because I already agreed to it and it is rude to me to suddenly.say I can't go in on it? There was a long pause and he said well I didn't exactly tell her that I said I will talk to her meaning me again. I was like well honestly you should have stuck up for me better and say that the agreement was already made for me to go in on the gift and it.is rude to tell me now I can't. I asked him what is it to her anyways? It usjt up to her if I go in on it or not. He said he is just trying to please everyone. I took that as him basically saying he didn't have the balla to defend me his girl. There was an argument back and forth between me and my guy because I feel like he didn't defend me and he is almost siding with his sister in a way. So my question is why is his sister getting her panties in a was over this gift and why won't my bf stick up for me? by the way in case it.makes a difference I always thought his sis really liked me


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't think you are looking at it from his point of view. For whatever reason his sister is upset and she has the power to make his life miserable, or at least more unpleasant. So you are actually asking a lot from him by expecting him to stand up for you. Him asking you to back out however costs you nothing. He is just a guy stuck between loved ones trying to keep the peace the best he can. He can't reason with his sister so he is hoping he can reason with you.

    If you want to get her something then you could do it by yourself. Maybe send her some flowers or something. That way his mom gets the gift from "the family" which I guess is what his sister wants, but you can also show you care for and respect his mom. That would seem like a fair compromise to me.

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    • No I'm sorry but after 4 years expecting my man to stick up for me isn't too much. It is expecting him to be a decent bf. A true man will defend his girl. If he is afraid of the attack of his family or whoever when defending me then where is the line going to be drawn? We he always let his family run the show and get their way because he is too afraid to stick up for me? It is a slippery slope. He should have said look gf already gave me the money for the gift and I already asked her to go in on it and it would be rude to ask her to back out now and if she gets upset then he should say I'm sorry you're upset but this is the agreement that's been made and I'm not telling her no. Its not that hard

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    • How did he act aggressive toward you? He sounded like he was simply talking to you about it. Whereas I think his sister made it clear to him that she would not tolerate it. Most likely any further discussion would have ended up with fighting over it.

      If you were married and a part of the family this exclusion would be more insulting. As it stands you are currently an outsider. That is most likely how many in his family will continue to view you. You don't just marry the person you marry into the family. That hasn't happened yet. As far as couples that never get married, most don't see that as a joining of families.

      He isn't even choosing his sister over you he is trying to find a diplomatic solution to a problem he doesn't even see as that big of a deal. Most likely he doesn't understand why his sister sees it as a big deal or why it is such a big deal to you.

What Guys Said 2

  • I dislike this idea that a guy has to "stuck up for" a girl even if it's unreasonable. He said he'd talk to you that's all. He doesn't have to right away get into an argument with his sister because you want him to. It's just like if a guy said my girl was ugly I would just have us leave. Why give the guy the satisfaction all he wants is reaction. Be more reasonable and look at things from both sides.

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    • The point is she is acting immature its not like she is right and I'm still expecting him to defend me. It doesn't need to be an argument all he needs to say is look I already asked her to go in on it and I told her she could she is excited about it and she alreasy gave me the money telling her she can't after the fact is rude and I'm not going to do that. I didn't say he has to yell or get loud or hostile but if a man can't defend his girl when she isn't being unreasonable then what does that say about the relationship? Like I mentioned before it is a slippery slope if he is always going to be afraid of his family/friends or whoever and that it may cause an argument that he is unwilling to stick up for me

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    • You're right I think I'll sit down and have a nice calm talk with his sister and see how that goes.

    • That's a good idea. Just have a clam discussion that way no one feels bad and both of you can get each other's point of view. Good luck.

  • "He said he is just trying to please everyone"- you are dating what is known as a beta male.

    It sounds like you crave an alpha male. He didn't defend you because it is his natural tendency to be passive.

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    • More of this alpha beta bs. How the hell does caring about others feelings make you less of a man. This is just a pathetic excuse to treat people like shot because you don't care. All you want is to get laid I get that but different intentions doesn't make you better or worse. You want someone who will take control of the situation I can do that. But I can do that without being asshole

    • He didn't take control of anything. He stood there and acted passive. Alpha males don't care who they offend instead, they take what they want. Trying to please everybody is beta. There is a limit on how much you should care about other people and this beta male crossed that limit because he undermined his girlfriend over a trivial thing such as buying a gift.

What Girls Said 2

  • Maybe because it's their mom and they want the credit for the gift. Or they didn't want you to do it because they feel like their begging you for money. Your boyfriend didn't side with you because it's his sisters and their his family. Or he doesn't want to start drama and pick a side.

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    • Right but after 4 years to him shouldn't u be family? Honestly it is immature of his sister to have an issue with this if anything she should be flattered that I care about her mom so much I'm going in on the gift. Its not like I asked to myself my bf asked me too. You say he didn't side with me because his sis is family well I'm his gf and after 4 years he should be willing to stand up for me and defend me

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    • Well some guys put their family over their girlfriends. I'm not saying he's one but, probably he just dodnt want drama. If he side with you, his sisters are mad. If he sides with his sisters, your mad. So either way someone is mad and he doesn't want no one to be. His sisters probably just dont want you to spend any money. I wouldn't want my brother gf to buy a gift for my mom because of that. But, I wouldn't mind thats just of it was a reason i wouldn't want my brother gf to. Just buy a present for her.

    • It isn't a matter of putting one over the other it is a matter of who is being more unreasonable at the moment. But I will just buy a separate gift I guess

  • I don't know. Seems like it he didn't think it was worth it :\

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