My wife wants to date someone else

But we are together and have a new born son(well not really he is almost one). I realize I have been gone in the military for a couple years and home here and there, but before that I was stationed in the U.S. so it was eater to see her. I have been in the air force for nine years as a fighter pilot. It's what I love to do and I understand I haven't been there for her because it is hard to have a family but also need to be there for your country. But over all I have done a pretty great job.

Anyway my wife has always been one more of the free spirit type. Jumping form job to job and loving nature and all that. Which is why I fell in love with her in the first place. She's wild and free and not held down by anything and she has such a passion and strength about her. Anyway now she wants to date someone else while I am home due to my injury so I can care for the kid. She says she is being open and letting me know so it is not cheating. But to me it is. I mean is there anything I can do to stop her? Should I leave her? (Not that I really want to her and my son are my whole life). Please help I need some clarity.

Updates:
I meant to "easier to see her" not "easter to see her"
Anyway her excuse for "dating" someone else (not that she is yet she is looking apparently) is because she is a free spirit and she can't be expected to be tied down just to one man. She needs to keep her spirit "young" and "refreshed". She even says
life is too short and she needs to live it to the fullest and not have any regrets. She swears its just a small time fling that she;ll need to do from time to time but I'll always be the only one she holds dear in her heart. How can she say that? I just
Don't get it. Maybe I have been in the wrong? But I don't think so. I have supported her through and through. I don't know advice would just be nice please.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • She is a 'free spirit' yet she took vows to forsake all others and commit to you. This is a small time 'fling.' What about in sickness and health? You're injured so she should be standing by and taking care of you and your baby. Moreover, she is a parent and role model, what kind of example is she setting to your child?

    I think her actions and demeanor are selfish and immature. She should have never gotten married if these are her intentions. Marriage is a commitment and hard work. Furthermore, since you're in the military, all the more she needs to be strong, patient, support you and stand by her vows.

    I think you both need martial counseling to enhance your communication, recapture your relationship and save the marriage. A fling will only exacerbate matters and hurt everyone in the end, it won't remedy the underlying issues. It's an excuse and form of escapism from the issues at hand.

    The decision is yours. Good luck and thank you for serving our country.

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    • Thank you for your very honest answer and opinion. Also thank you very much for the last part, I love to serve my country, it's the best honor of all. But those were the exact same questions I was asking. Why marry me if she wants to be free spirited or whatever? Anyway it didn't get like this until after she had the child. She seems to have gotten depressed and things have gone down hill, even during her pregnancy, But it was also her idea to have a child, she always wanted to be a mother (

    • Show All
    • Oooh! GREAT ANSWER!

    • AMAZING answer!

What Girls Said 23

  • I really feel for you. I have two brothers in the military, and I know that marriages can really suffer because of all demands of being in the military--mainly from being gone so much.

    My younger brother has already been divorced twice at 42.

    As a woman myself whose had kids, I can tell you that your wife probably feels that her freedom has been taken from her. That's what its like when you have kids. You love them with all your heart but there is no time for you anymore. If you are gone a lot, the burden is all on her during those times & she feels even less freedom. She also probably doesn't feel as attractive now that she is a Mom. Sounds like she is searching for those feelings of freedom & sexiness again. It probably doesn't have a lot to do with you -- although being gone definitely played a part I am guessing. Its more to do with her and how she feels about herself.

    My thoughts are to tell her exactly how you feel -- sit down with her when you can find a good moment -- when the baby is asleep & you are getting along. Tell her exactly what you said on here-- that she and your baby are everything to you. That to you, she is beautiful. Maybe tell her that it would be so hard to let her go but you can't stop her. But, that you also can't be waiting for her as she goes out with other men. That if she wants that, you must at least separate until she finds herself. I think the more you try to stop her from what she wants, the more she will run to that. I think she feels trapped. So, begging her to stay isn't going to help. You need to be really confident in yourself. Show her you love her but are also strong and won't put up with her having a fling. Don't blame yourself -- don't act like you can't find happiness again with someone else. Tell her you love her but that you will move on if that's what she wants. Women don't like a guy who is down on himself or begging a woman to come back to him. So, let her know how much she means to you but don't beg to have her back.

    I would also suggest maybe you could ask her if she would be willing to go to individual counseling (on her own), to see if she can find herself. And, marriage counseling would also be good. It might also help if she can find some activities she likes that you could support her in doing...exercising, joining a club, whatever. She needs to feel some freedom and being able to do things by herself would help that.

    I think she is in a personal crisis. Its not as much about your marriage. Its about her struggling to find herself. I've been there. I hope it works out. You sound like a good guy.

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  • i think what you are doing is a great thing and I am sure it is hard for her when you are gone to stay home without you there taking care of a child ... but I think if she honestly loves you she would tend to your needs as you tend to hers ... show her that you love her and care ... and if its sleeping with someone else she wants then switch it up in the bedroom ... try being a free spirit ... show her that its not worth sleeping with someone else because you can be everything she needs and wants you to be ... instead of bringing home flowers brinf her home something silly like cupcakes with frogs on them or even little gifts for her here and there like if she needs a new tuthbrush get it and replce her old one leave cute messeges for her before she gos to work ... draw her a bubble bath before bed bath her while your at it ... women want to feel sexy and wanted ... at the same time they want you to guess what they want if that makes sense ... we don't feel as if we should tell you things that we want ... we want you to just know! good luck!

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  • When people get married, unless you discussed it ahead of time, most people expect that to mean monogamy. Yes, people do live alternative lifestyles but both people get a say in that. Being married to a man in the military is hard. My family has a long history in the military and I see how hard it is to maintain a relationship when you are not physically together. But in the end you are married and you have a say in this as well.

    I hope she finds making her idea come to fruition to be not so exciting as it seems right now. I hope the two of you can work this out.

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  • It sounds like a celebrity relationship. If you aren't cool with her seeing other people let her know that. Tell her that you know she's a free spirit but you don't agree with her seeing other people and no matter how she feels, you view it as cheating. Tell her you'd never do that to her, that you realize that you aren't home a lot of the time but that's not fair to you. She needs to commit to you and she should decide to be flighty after marrying you and chosing you. If she married you then she should stand by you and realize that you're commited to your relationship and that you're protecting our country. Good luck ;)

    xsarahloveee

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  • She needs to think aobut your kid because it is not all about her anymore. You need to let her know if she wants to be a free spirit she can be one all by herself. She should not think that the marriage revolves around her and doing what she wants. She isn't single anymore and she is now a Mother she needs to think about that.

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  • The free spirt thing is what you do before you hey married I wouldn't like that either but maybe it would help if you were home more to give her more attention? I could never be ok with my man being with another woman I don't like girls to hit on him now.

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  • Heartbreaking! What gets me is that your wife is MARRIED to YOU. She made a vow, signed the papers, and is the mother of your child. She chose her path in life. Marrying someone who fights for their country, you must know what they're getting into beforehand. I really hate it when people try to shy away from their responsibilities. I have the sudden urge to slap her via the internet. What she's doing shows a flagrant disregard to you and your marriage and life together. I can't imagine how hurt you are...

    No offense, but your wife needs to get her head on straight and put aside her wants and needs, and be a good wife and mother. I encourage you to seek counseling (not for you, but together as a couple). I don't care if she's the ultimate "earth child", when you marry someone, that's a lifelong commitment... no room for wandering free spirits. If she refuses to give up her need to "date" (which honestly, the kind of guys that would date a married woman are nothing special!) or seek counseling, tell her you'd like a divorce (because really that's all you can do at that point) and try to get full custody of your child. Maybe she needs a hard dose of reality.

    Wishing you all the best : (

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  • You know I can understand that you aren't home a lot or all the time because you have to work for all of us here. She should know that and should have thought about that sooner. I think that if you will always have her heart and all that she wouldn't want to be with anyone else no matter what. To be truly committed you need to stay with one person not float around. She needs to stop thinking about herself and all that. Its still cheating even if you know about it she made a promise when getting married to you that there would be no one else. and she needs to hold that promis to you. I know you want to be with her and your child but you have other things to do. And if she doesn't want to be faithful I think you should leave her. Take your kid and teach her to be loyal not like her mother. You need to be loyal there is a difference of being a free spirit and being non faithful. I'm sorry to say that all but it is true you should convince her she is worng and maybe work things out see what she wants from you and if you can't come to terms split up. But you should think about what's more important your life with your country or the life with your wife maybe that's what's bothering her. I know it would be hard to be alone all the time in the house. My man is in the army and I'm glad he is done and was done long before me but that's onlly because by myself without the person I love owuld be the worse thing ever to me. It would make me feel all alone even when I'm not supposed to be.

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  • I hope things have improved for you over these past couple of months and I'm so sorry to hear about your injury. Yes, its cheating even if she did tell you about it. If she is such a free spirit, she should not have agreed to be true to just one man by taking those marriage vows. She knew you were a fighter pilot when you married, and that the time may come when you would be called to serve, so that is no excuse. I know you don't want to lose your wife and son, but I can say from personal experience that staying in this relationship is not going to be good for you or him. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 24 years for the sake of my kids and they told me when they got older that they wished I would have left with them years ago. They were not abused, just me. Children deserve two parents who are happier apart than sad together. What are you going to tell your son when he gets old enough to ask where his mommy goes when she leaves for her "fling". You will grow to resent her and that will cause even more problems. You are a brave, patriotic, and it souds like a loving man. You deserve more than a part time wife. Thank you for all you do for our freedom and I truly hope things work out for you.

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  • If she wants to test the waters, I suggest you do the same. What she wants to do is wrong, a divorce would be best BUT I am concerned 4 the child. Maybe marriage couseling could work. I would never allow my husband to take a job far from home, or away from home for long periods of time. This is because I know I would become lonely and vulnerable to cheating. You can't stop her from doing what she wants, you can try to talk with her and maybe change your job (sacrifice for the sake of the marriage and child) or let her go. Or you can try to deal with her going out every night and possible falling in love with her "dates" (cus that's what happens with women), and eventually leaving you anyway. Weigh your options, and see what would make more logical sense and is it worth it. The most important aspect is your son, so keep that in mind.

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  • its crazy that she told you...but honestly that could help, or make things worse. You have to decide how it will make you feel. Maybe dating someone yourself may make you feel better. You are allowed to do the same thing she is doing right? So go get some fresh poontang

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  • Any woman should respect a man who is fighting for our country and is a good man and husband and puts food on your table and pays the bills! Any woman who can't see that or appreciate that doesn't deserve to be with such a loving husband! Clearly she isn't a responsible person and does not think twice about her actions! You have to be strong-willed and understanding when you are with someone in the military.Free-spirits do not usually understand this and live in the moment!Sorry to say! You deserve better and someone who isn't weak and prone to loneliness and can see what a good man she has!If I were in her situation I would be taking care of my injured husband and spending as much time with him as I possibly can! Just sit down with her and tell her it is completely unacceptable!

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  • I don't think you're in the wrong! I'm surprised. I would say its either all of me or none of me. If she LOVED you, do you really think she'd desire anything but YOU? She must not know what she's got. A man who goes around all over the country fighting for HER and HER family, and still stays true to her. I'm sure as a soldier you had plenty of opportunities to cheat. She must of fallen off of the wagon...

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    • Yes I had plenty of opportunity but I never took them because I love her so much and my son.

  • What she is doing IS cheating. You need to let her know what she is sacrificing for this "dating". How would she like it if you dated someone else? What kind of example is she making for her son? I think she just needs a reality check. Hang in there :)

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  • What the hell, that's really f***dup. because if she really loves you, no matter where the hell you are! she stiill would wait for you... that's no excuse.

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  • You sound like a nice guy, she doesn't deserve you. Leave her.

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  • She can if she want to.

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  • im sorry :/ that is heartbraking. your a soldier, your married, you need to know while your gone your wife is waiting for you not going around like some adolenscent girl. she says she's a free spirit? but wanted to be a mother. I think the reason she became depressed during the pregnancy was because she couldn't do what she wanted. and the marraige thing, she can't do what she wants without thinking. I'm sorry sir,but she isn't being free spirited in my opinion, she is being selfish. You are the free one, your sacrificing so much just to serve your country. When she can't sacrifice her erg to other men while your gone and take care of you when your injured. marraige is litterally handing your life to another person, and promising them your loyalty. your wife may just not be a commited type of person, there's spontainiously doing an activity and there's not having your sh*t together. I would advise telling her exactly how you feel on this, and that dating isn't the best for you. possibly counseling, usually another persons point of view can really help ppl. goodluck

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  • shes married to you..when your married and have kids/kid you don't date other people that's not okay

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  • I'm a free spirit but she is just a selfish bitch. Chunk the deuces at her and show her some divorce papers to scare her straight. You are not wrong at all, she is so dumb. When you are married as man and wife you don't get to play around. Maybe you should let her catch you in the act with a friend of hers. Okay that's spiteful but you know what I mean.

    Thank you for serving our country. You know you sound like a great guy. You're gainfully employed, take care of your family and have love for your wife and son. There are so many guys out there that ain't sh*t you would be a refreshing change for a woman who would really appreciate you. It's not fair that women like that get good men!

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  • Oh this is so sad! She should never have gotten married if that is how she feels. Adultery is adultery, whether the other person knows or not. As for being a free spirit, who can't be expected to be tied down to just one man, doesn't she know that marriage means exactly that? Did she not say the lines about fidelity? I wish I could tell you that if you fight for your marriage, she will come around. But speaking honestly? It sounds as though she simply doesn't have the emotional maturity to be married to anyone. She doesn't understand what committment means. And, frankly, she is too selfish. If she agrees, I'd suggest couple's therapy, if nothing else than to pershaps make it easier if you do divorce (especially having child) but in all honesty, I really suspect that she is incapable, given her mindset, of being in a marriage. I'm sorry you are going though this. I doubt that your service to the country is a real factor here (and thank you for your service, by the way). This is a problem that resides inside of her. She's not wanting to cheat due to unbearable loneliness and neglect. If she said all that you claim, she is wanting to cheat because she does not have the moral development to tell her that it's wrong. She feels entitled. And that will be incredibly hard for the 2 of you to overcome, I'm afraid.

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  • I am a woman much like your wife. I have felt the loss of freedom and loss of self after having children. My husband ignored me for a very long time, he spent every night in the garage for many years working on his classic car.

    I got lonely and bored. Eight years ago, I found a guy on-line to meet for fun & games. It was less than satisfying. I have moved on to other partners. I feel somewhat connected to one of them, but still am pursuing others. My heart is searching for something I have not yet found. I have tried counseling, both marriage and individual - they did not work. I would leave, but I do have small kids, too, so I feel anchored.

    I would love to tell you to be strong, it will get better, but I can't. I would love to tell you to pack it up and move on, but it is never that easy, so I won't. The one thing I hope you will do is to take care of your son and yourself. Hang in there and be sure to talk with someone about your feelings.

    Thank you for serving our country, although it sounds like it may have come with a very high price.

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    • I can so identify with neglect due to tinkering in the garage for hours on end after I moved to his country to be w him, knowing no one, leaving behind family.

  • Tell her if she loves you, she wouldn't do it

    my boyfriend is about to go into the Army, and I wouldn't even think about dating another guy, because I love him<3

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What Guys Said 27



  • its ok to be a free spirit

    but once you get married she has to understand

    that she will be a bit more restricted

    i doubt that if just after you got married if you told her that you want to date other

    people because you're a free spirit she would find it acceptable.

    free spirit, what does that even mean, its just nonsense,

    what does she think she is, a butterfly?

    you can't be a free spirit with a family

    shes just using this bogus term to justify doing whatever she wants.

    if I had to guess what happened, youve been away for a long time

    and she's already been seeing other guys and she has gotten used to it

    and now that you are back home, you are restricting the freedom she had to do this

    thats why she's resorted to telling you all this.

    she says she is not yet looking but..

    You should talk to her about it, because it is very likely that there is another guy in the picture.

    There must be, because if there wasn't , there would be no point in her bringing all this up for a hypothetical situation in which she might date someone if she met them. Its more likely that she already has met this person.

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  • A lepard doesn't change it's spots -

    What you are telling me is that you married a woman who like many guys, aren't saticefied with one person or sexual experience. I'm not here to judge only give you an observation.

    She is not a woman who should have ever married or had children since she knows she would never keep a commitment.

    Her honesty is refreshing but not a consolation to the problem you are in.

    That fact that you are married and do have a child, you are limited the options you have left to you.

    - you could remain married and work out a comprimise as to whom she has affairs with (this could mean you have some control of her affairs so the new guy isn't around long enough to end you marriage and she doesn't come home with some kind of VD or STD)

    - the other option is divorce her and seek custody of the child under the semblance that he will be raised in an unsutable enviroment for a minor.

    - One couple I knew got into role playing - His wife would change the colour of her hair - the cut etc, different clothes etc play parts just to make it as though her husband was sleeping with a different woman all the time. Its weird for me but it worked for them.

    I don't relish you situation or decissions but I wish you luck, Message me if you need to talk.

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  • Reading your story turns my stomach inside out. The passion you used to describe her and the problem you’re having. I couldn't image being in your situation. This must be eating you up, does she see that? I know you’re a military man and it goes against your nature (every guys nature for that matter) but be honest with yourself and your wife, let her know exactly how you’re feeling.

    I understand that some people are free spirits and don't look at sex the same way as others, swingers are a good example, but obviously your not that person. She says it's just something she will "need" to do from time to time. I think you need to dig deeper into why she actually feels she "needs" to get gratification from other men. I could easily come to the deduction that if you were over sea’s, she would be sexually frustrated, but you said you’re home now.

    Living life to the fullest is not a very good explanation. Why would she have regrets about being with only one man? Why does she feel you’re not enough? I really think you need to try and get some concrete answers from her.

    If this is something she will do with or without your approval you should ask yourself, can you overcome your emotions and block out the pain, all the while holding together your relationship? Are you going to constantly be wondering where she is? Who she is with? What is she doing? I understand you love her but love is not always enough.

    I hope you find the clarification you're searching for, if not from me, from someone else.

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  • I think she is trying to have the best of both worlds. Those two worlds being the long relationship and the short one. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. When you're unmarried you can switch more easily, and have as many flings as you want, but in a marriage things can get stale. Even in a functional well adjusted marriage you will lose the excitement and passion of the short relationship, even though you probably remember it very well. However as a "free spirit" she still wants that excitement and passion, in addition to the love and commitment. Now she thinks she needs two separate people to get both.

    Basically you need to think back to the beginning of your relationship and start doing the things that made her initially fall in love with you. Unless she has come to subconsciously associate you with the staleness of her mid-life, you should be able to reignite the old passions. It will require doing things that will seem extremely silly as a middle aged family man, but it will be worth it, and be a lot of fun. This is a stereotype, but fighter jocks are known for having a certain personality that is attractive to wild women, time to turn that on.

    Hire a baby sitter and stop being her husband for a few hours, and be her hot fling.

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  • Kind of hard to not know whether she behaved like this while you were away. I'm not trying to make you more hurt but it looks pretty obvious. Many military wives are stuck in the same position, some are even forced to cheat. What did you expect? You have responsibility to your country, that is virtuous. You also have a responsibility to your wife and child, also virtuous. But at the same time, while your wife was raising your son, you decided to do what you like, being a fighter pilot (having your cake and eating it too?). It's a self-fulfilling prophecy..err unfulfilling. If and when duty calls it's honorable to fight when you have nothing to lose (wife and kid). Now, if I'm a career veteran, I'm gonna move my family wherever the hell I'm stationed. And the woman that's about to become my wife should know beforehand (which, eerily, I think your wife knew, so she can be "free" while you're gone) better realize that's what the job entails and I should know the pros and cons that has for my family. If not, do your necessary duty in serving your country, serve your time and then locate to where your family is and acquire a job using your military skills. If not, your situation is what happens. You get to have fun flying planes while your wife craves attention (you at the same time gain self-righteousness by thinking your doing your country a service but also neglecting your wife and kid). In fact, although her own idea of being a "free spirit" is a basket-case of misconception in it''s own, you're kind of the same type of person. While you were capable you did everything you wanted and didn't handle the full scope of responsibility you had (sending pay to your wife and kid isn't considered 'support' unless you're divorced or legally separated and it's your only choice, it's the 21st century man get with it, you're a father, be a father). So while you get to do what you love while you're healthy so does she. Only thing is, what you both defined as being free was different, you get to spend your time doing whatever you want being absent as a father but faithful as a husband while your wife gets to spend her time with whomever she wants being absent as a wife while being faithful as a mother. No one here is to blame but yourselves, ironically enough both your dysfunctions as mates and as parents attracted each other on a primal level. Know this, you keep being an absent father and like nearly all military absent father's your daughters will grow up to be your extreme example and your sons your extreme opposite (sometimes a blessing in disguise). It's up to you, the only one who isn't at fault is your son, do everything you can to maintain a functional marriage and solid parenthood for your son. Anyone on this board will know you both need professional counseling immediately. The selfish needs and wants of you and your wife have long been met and exhausted; time to learn compassion and sacrifice. Good luck to both of you, and never give up on your son.

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  • First of all, THank you so much for your dedication to our country. It takes a special man to make the sacrifices that are asked of him in order to defend our liberty and our freedoms. I admire you that because I know the losses you have yet to experience because of your dedication. And being a veteran myself I know that our country will do precious little to thank you for that sacrifice. Now off of my soap box.

    The military life is a hard life on families. Yours is not an uncommon story. However it is from the respect of your wife's attitude. How can it NOT be cheating? I mean come on there is a free spirit and then there is just plain self centered. SHe wants YOU to babysit while wounded so SHE can go out and whore around. Sorry to put it that bluntly but that is exactly how it is. It's not free spirited or wild and free it's just plain self centered and it's just plain usery. And it's so bold faced that it actually turns my stomach.

    Tell you what. Tell her to go talk to your lawyer and ask HIM if it's not cheating even though she lets you know what she is doing.

    My heart breaks for you my friend. What I said about sacrifices yet realized goes double now.

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  • You can be a lot of things but you can never be a second opinion.

    I have been married for 17 years and I have had a number of additional relationships during that time. My wife knows about them and approves. Despite having sex with a lot of other women, I have never considered leaving my wife or altering out relationship. My wife was a close friend of mine for years before we got married. She knew that I wouldn't wind up being monogamous and if I tried, I would be a fundamentally different person than the one she wanted to marry. It's all part of the same package.

    Here's some things I found out:

    Most of the damage done by infidelity is from the lying than from the sex

    Most sexual relationships are very short term, lasting only as long as the initial attraction.

    Most people who want outside sex have no interest in divorcing their current partner

    Chances are that what she really wants to know is that she is still attractive and has her own identity. I would strongly suggest that you not only support it but even seek to participate. You might find swinging a little less threatening and more rewarding (swingers, oddly enough, are extremely pro marriage and go out of their way to make sure there isn't marital discord).

    You can't stop her and all you are going to do is more damage to your relationship. Think about your actions carefully. She might actually be making your marriage stronger. After all, what can anyone else offer her that you don't already give, including access to their body?

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    • I dunno. I'm really trying to have an open enough mind to see this point of view, but really, I dunno. If both partners are cool with it, OK, but run it by a therapist for perspective, then decide. You may agree to it just to try to save your marriage, but secretly be hurt, which will definitely NOT save your marriage.

      She's married, she made a commitment. She must show she can be trusted to respect what that truly means before you open yourself to that kind of risk... My gut says don't do it.

    • It does require a lot of work and a lot of honesty but the results are impressive.

      As far as made a commitment, I would say that she is honoring that commitment by working out the problem rather than simply altering the marriage unilaterally (as people do when they cheat).

      Oh, and I am a therapist.

  • She's a wretch. Not that I mean to insult you, but this woman has no sense of true love to her if this is the case. Love is sacrificial by nature, and ultimately, tying yourself to someone is the effect of it. She can't love you and be a 'free spirit' in this sense at the same time. If she loved you, she would sacrifice whatever is necessary for you, just as you should for her.

    She is being completely unfaithful to you physically and emotionally. It is your decision what to do here, but she is being a loose wife. You would be completely justified in leaving her, especially on grounds of adultery. It is unfortunate you have a child in the mix, and I can only pity the boy if he has a mother who is like this. You are really at a quandary here.

    What to do with a sweet wayward wife? You have all the ground in the world to aggressively oppose this. You deserve better than this emotional abuse.

    -Count D.

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  • This would be perfectly acceptable in France. In theory it would be passionate relationship that will be short lived and she will return to you more in love than ever knowing that you are the stable man that has been with her through it all.

    If you can't deal with it then you should let her go. It is possible that if you say yes it's OK with you she won't even want to follow through.

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  • So let me get this straight: as soon as you come home from an injury..she springs the "I wanna be free to go on dates" BS on you? Dude... she has been dating people behind you back and NOW that you are close to home base...shes afraid of getting caught so she had to stop, but she is so impulsive she conjured up a BS story to try and get back to dating while you are close-by.

    Seems to me..maybe I am jumping the gun here but this story makes her look less of a free spirit and more like someone with the mind of a child. She wants something and she will say any stupid thing without thinking it through just to get what she wants.

    How is it in nine whole years she waited till you where home to ask if she can go on dates? what a load of crap, she's been doing it all along bro. seems pretty clear to me...if I read this story right...

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  • There is the _potential_ for it to not be cheating, since she's being open about it and involving you. But the limit on that is that, until both parties are on the same page (which can take some time, if it happens at all) taking action on it will push it over into simple cheating. Both the swinging lifestyle (both partners allowed to have short-term, sexual-only outside interests) and polyamory (both partners allowed to have medium-to-long-term emotional/sexual outside connections) require a massive amount of communication and back-and-forth if both partners aren't seeing eye to eye yet. If she's willing to temporarily put implementing this on the back burner while the two of you come to terms with how this idea resonates inside your marriage, then there shouldn't be a reason to panic.

    In your situation, I'd strongly recommend reading Tristan Taormino's "Opening Up" which is the best book on polyamory and open relationships that I've found. It's thorough and has a pretty good balance of information and opinion, and has the advantage of acknowledging that there are people for whom it just doesn't work, so the book doesn't turn into pro-poly propaganda.

    I'm actually in almost the opposite situation from you, as I've fairly recently realized that I'm in a similar position to your wife. I don’t know much about your specific situation, but maybe hearing about how it is for me might help you find another perspective on what your wife is saying.

    If I look honestly at who I am, I've always needed (and almost always stifled the need for) more than one person in my life to love. Certainly since I got married I've been stifling that part of myself and have never cheated, it's just been a continual burn of energy to distract myself from it. I don't need it for the sake of freedom, as much as for...what, honesty with myself? Realizing this about who I was, just threw everything I knew about my entire life up until this point into a new, clearer configuration. Just by knowing that, being honest about it with myself, actually felt like I wasn't compromising something close to my core anymore.

    In my case at least, it's similar the feeling you might have when realizing that your sexual orientation is different that you'd assumed all your life. Mindbending, but a very deep relief when you finally accept who you are, for the first time in your life.

    Now whether I take _action_ on it, is another matter entirely. Or what kind of action. I'm still working on that one myself. I’ll never cheat on my wife -- never do anything behind her back. But my “orientation” isn’t going away either. But I’m patient; I can work it out with my wife over time.

    Long-winded, and more about me than you, but I hope this helps you some. I really do realize it’s got to be hugely painful for you to be going through this. And “Opening Up” really is worth a look, if nothing else just so you realize you’re not the only one facing just this sort of situation.

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  • If she such a free spirit that she needs to be with multiple men maybe she shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Listen to yourself man. You're debating in letting your wife cheat on you. If she wants to do it, it's time to break it off with her. It's still cheating whether she tells you about it or not. Be a man...stand up.

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  • Open Marriages can work. I cheated on my wife due to being very unhappy. It ended a bad marriage and I resolved never to marry or lie again. Then I met my current wife. She agreed to an open marriage, because I too see myself as a free spirit. We learned that being honest with each other and talking things out kept us together and very happy.

    Cheating is akin to lying. If she is honest about just wanting a fun friend, and you think you can deal with that, then keep the marriage together. If you leave her, it is over. If you stay, maybe it will be over later, but then again, it might work.

    We have been together for nine years, and it just keeps getting better.

    Yes, she has the same freedom to PLAY as I do. And our love for each other is stronger, because we have an unconditional love that is expressed everyday.

    Good Luck,

    James

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  • Ok, This is known as a cuckolded lifestyle but more of a "Hot Wife" lifestyle where she is not purposely humiliating you! I suggest for your rational decision that you read about "Hot Wife" relationships! Many marriages become stronger for it but due to ego, pride and societal upbringing, divorce is what occurs! I am in such a relationship and we discussed it for over a year before I felt enough confidence that she truly does love me unconditionally and my fears are fears of indequacy to provide my wife with her needs! I found that I was creating my own angst by dwelling on it being "Cheating!" It is only cheating if she has sex behind your back and it is not consenting between you two! The majority of women do need sex more and instinctually seek out the best seed provider! This is basic instinct as a man's basic instinct is to have random sex because he is wanting to spread his seed to as many women as possible! Over the millions of years of societal changes mostly brought on by religion, has the "Rule" one man and one woman was "Created!" It is not in fact a natural part of the human psyche nor the basic human physical traits! If you cannot accept, tolerate or live with this, you must share this with her and let her know that the only way that it will happen is if you two are not together! This includes any notions of "Cheating!" These are not in any way shape or form acceptable to you and if these are her real needs then her being up front with you leaves you now as the one to either open the door or close it firmly! This is not something that will ever change within her! It is part of her overall makeup! It is not a flaw or some perverse lifestyle! It is reality despite what any religious organizations trip on relationships are! It's real! It will always be a part of her! Either accept it and develop erotic fun for you both by having her tell you all the details of her escapade or stop it in it's tracks BEFORE it begins! Admire her for her honesty toward you! That is her way of loving you unconditionally!

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  • YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG. She is a piece of trash that you honestly shouldn't have married in the first place. Now you have a son and she wants to date somebody else? What the hell does being a "free spirit" do that allows you to do whatever you want. Trust me I've been in the military and I've seen guys marrying girls that they shouldn't have, and its always a messy affair when they have a kid but you need to do what is best for you and your son. You deserve a girl that will be faithful to you and you son deserves to know how a married couple should be.

    LEAVE HER, I cannot stress this enough.

    Good luck bro.

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  • Dating for cheating? Not to be accepted unless you're very open minded or/and if you want to do the same.

    Or "dating" just talking friends, doing some activities with another guy, IDK, sports, movies? Should be no problem at all.

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    • If she needed a guy friend I would not mind at all. Her social life is none of my business she can hang with whomever she chooses. But she wants a guy to be intimate with,

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    • If she mainly wants casual sex , then it's up to Question Asker to see wether he prefers her (and her feeling free to get casual sex) or if his need for sexual exclusivity is greater than his /love -or need- for her, if she can dissociate sex from sentiment, like a man -and if he has enough confidence that she will come back to him & their kid, that it will not be more than a fling on her behalf. Some open marriages work quite well, lots don't : it all depends on the persons involved.

    • I can understand a man who prefers a loved and loving wife with sexual liberties to a sexually faithfull wife without love, staying together for he kids. (I've known a few couples of both kind. It takes a strong, loving man)

  • When I got out of the military and if my wife said to me what she said to you, well that would be the end of it. Put it this way I'd be laying new turf in the yard!...

    Are you a Fighter Pilot or just a Pilot who delivers stuff around the world for the military? If of the first, then you need to grow some balls and fight your corner, if you have been in country you should know what to do...

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  • Looks like you are a perfect catch for her. She gets everything with cream and sugar on top. With this girl you can not expect anything as long as you have to leave all the time. And seriously, why should she sit home and be bored while you are flying around in your fighter jet? That's not fair at all man. You're a cool fighter pilot and perhaps she is imagining a nice life with you when you get older. But for now you are not there, so why would she start to grow wrinkles and gray hairs and sit on a couch alone and feel miserable? She needs a life, she got it, and she is honest about it.

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    • She knew what she was getting into before we got married. When you marry someone in the military you know you can't see them all the time. This was my choice of a lifestyle and she agreed to share it with me. She did her own thing as well. I never held her back. But if she wants to f*** another man while she is married to me, I won't stand for it. I'd rather divorce her if she wants a swinger life.

  • "I have been in the air force for nine years as a fighter pilot."

    You got your Bachelor's degree and went through ROTC/OTS before you were 20? That's pretty good (if true).

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  • This woman is a sociopath she has no regard for any one but herself. You should get away from her as soon as possible and get your child away from her as well. Something is very wrong with any one who would say that to their spouse. This goes beyond infidelity this is down right creepy.

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  • what the hell? she is your f***ing wife. If she is dating someone else then she isn't your wife...dude what the f***? divorce her and see how she likes not having that army check man cheating is cheating gosh all I can say is wth

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  • im sorry man..i think ur wifess a hoooe...id leave her and find another girl to bang...shes not dedicated to you so y shud you be dedicated to her...shes clearly not satisfied with you so find a girl who is...thats just my opinion...let the bird out its cage and if it comes back it is there to stay

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  • She sounds selfish. I'm sorry for what your going through.

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  • leave her if she cheats

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  • Convince her that dating anybody other than you is a regret.

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  • You should probably emotionally leave her. Seems like she has made her choice. I wonder though...are you really putting in the work in the bedroom though? I assume she doesn't want to "date" guys just for friends. If they're not f*cking then they ARE just friends...NOT dating. Get it? My experience tells me that if a woman has her sexual needs taken care of she won't stray. Why would she sleep with someone else if its not as good as her current partner. If she has emotional needs to satisfy that's where YOU and "Just Friends" come in. I think if I were you I'd just ask her if the sex is good enough to only be with you, if not, why, and what would it take for her to be monogamous? Whatever you do don't let her pull your balls off! It seems that if you're considering letting her "date" other guys you may have started to go down this road a bit. And if she doesn't value the relationship enough to be with only you there's little you can do about it. Don't waste your time...

    Hope this helps.

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  • Tell her go agead and do it but for one, its against the rules of marriage because you swore to god not to do such bullsh*tt, and two if you date someone els regaurdless of our vows we made to each other than I will date also and tell her once you find someone better than her your kicking her ass out and taking the child since she cheated first. That's so disrespectful man your in the military and you let that sh*t ride? man! SO help me god!

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