If you found out the girl you liked or were dating had been abused would that change your view of her?

I was molested as a young girl and that really has affected my approach to dating/being close to men. Although it happened over 20 years ago, I can still see it's effects on my life. The men I have dated, I have only reserved this information until we become intimate. I have received reactions of care and concern for me and how what they might do can affect me or even of complete discomfort while having sex because he thinks he will scare me or bring back memories. I have definitely dissociated having sex with a partner of my choosing from any horrible memory of sexual abuse. It just doesn't come up.

But, I am curious to hear what guys or girls have to say on the matter. Have you had a partner who was sexually abused at some point in their past? How did you react?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • If I am being completely honest, yes it would really bother me and change the way I view her. I tend to avoid any woman with a history of being abused by a man. I use to be a lot more sympathetic but I am tired of dealing with women that have issues with men.

    I need to know she doesn't have a bad image of the male gender. Otherwise any hope I have of the relationship developing into a long term relationship is over. I wouldn't dump her because of it, but finding that out would definitely have me looking for any other red flags that she has issues with men.

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What Guys Said 4

  • It wouldn't change my view of her at all. It wasn't your fault at all and we can't change the past.

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  • Not at all, if anything I'd be supportive of her :)

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  • I'm going to sound like a heartless dick for saying this, but I typically avoid dating people with those kinds of experiences. They usually are unstable relationships with a higher chance of a costly blowout of some kind.

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    • Most people who meet me say I am the most stable person around. My most serious boyfriend said that he loved being with me because I never caused any drama. We broke up because of being long distance. Not every girl who has had these types of problems is a mental case. It all comes down to how she was raised, how she dealt with that abuse and her own personality. Not every person is the same.

    • Well that's admirable of you. It also makes you an exception. Someone like me would miss out on you, and that would be unfortunate, but there are too many other things demanding my attention for me to be looking out for the exceptions to a rule I put in place to protect me from extreme circumstances.

      Relationships can be intense and dominate your mind. I simply won't risk subjecting myself to an extremely bad situation when a great person can be found who doesn't come with potentially explosive baggage that will affect me. Hard to be effective in other areas of life when your mind is on your crazy personal life.

      Again, I know that makes me sound like a dick. But living by hard rules sometimes is the most effective way to get where you want to go. It does cut off possibilities, but those possibilities do have alternatives, so I'll take those.

  • I have been sexually abused twice and to answer your question no it would not change my view at all. I know what the pain is like and what you might go through everyday. It has effected my life a lot. Not dating but socially for sure. I understand the fear you have but i would not change my mind about dating foe example. I would also respect what you wet through and how it affects you. You can talk to me about it if you want, (totally your choice). But if it happened to a girl i was dating again, i would respect her and at the same time protect her even more and just try and make her feel comfortable.

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What Girls Said 1

  • No. It wouldn't. I would feel more keen to protect her though.

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