Why do people on dating sites talk to others who don't live near them if they aren't ready/willing to put in the effort for something long distance?

I seem to encounter this problem frequently in online dating. I've met several guys who have lived 3-5 hours away from me (by car) and often they are the ones who contact me first. They say they're looking for something serious, distance doesn't bother them... then POOF! They cut contact after a couple months, or say they don't want something long distance.

If they don't really know what they want or what they're willing/able to put up with, why do they bother contacting people who don't live near them? Why don't they just change their distance settings or something simple like that?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Speaking as a man who dated online, it is entirely normal to adjust your distance setting one position less restrictive than your actual preference.

    For me the ideal was within 50 miles of my address. That covered nearly the whole metro area but here is the issue: How sad would it be if the girl for me lived 52 miles away? Would 2 miles really matter in the scheme of things? Yes, if the computer never makes the match in the first place.

    So I set my distance setting at 150 miles radius. Most of the women matched at long distance I never entered into more than online communication with. There was one woman that was a long drive from me that I did seriously see for a short time. I did tell her that if we were to remain together, she would have to relocate because her profession gave her the option but mine did not.

    As it happened, the woman I married lived only 17 minutes from my home. So the less restrictive setting for distance was moot. It was still a good strategy.

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    • I understand that and it makes sense, but I still don't get why a guy would start talking to me, then once he realizes how far apart we are, keep stringing me along when he has no intention of trying something with someone that far away. They're never straightforward or honest with me when I ask if it's an issue.

    • Not straight forward is bad. On that I agree. I can't speak for their behavior.

    • Yeah, I guess I'm partially to blame since I'm finding these guys online. I just live in a boring area, so there's nothing to do to meet people except bars, and I that's a bad place to find a relationship. Plus, I rarely drink.

What Guys Said 1

  • A lot of guys who join dating sites are desperate for sex. They think distance isn't an issue to them, but when it's staring them in the face they change their minds..

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    • How can I tell the difference between the ones that it really doesn't matter to and the ones who will flip flop on the topic? Or is there no way to know without investing time into it?

    • Well, nothing is really going to be definite, but some favorable signs might include:
      1) a thoughtful and complete profile
      2) they did not check the option of "casual sex" in their 'looking for' section, if the site has such a thing.
      3) If they have had the profile for a while
      4) Expressed interest in liking to travel and job flexibility to allow it

    • That all makes sense. Thanks for all the tips. :)

What Girls Said 1

  • They just don't check the distance or maybe just want someone to sext with

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