Girls, do you think I'm beating a dead horse?

I've been seeing a girl casually for nearly 6 months. She isn't completely over her marriage ending last year, but we both started to develop feelings a month ago. She dug her heels in the ground and backed away. This week she told me it would've been her wedding anniversary so she's all messed up and she doesn't want to bring anyone else in to her confusion. She told me that she isn't ending what we have, but she needs to create some space. She won't admit to having feelings but I know they were there. Seems she locked them away because she's afraid and she isn't completely healed yet. She's always insisted on just friends who have good sex, but I know the feelings where there and that's why she backed off. Should I stop talking to her for a while, or just really tone it down? Am I beating a dead horse still trying to see her on occasion? Or should I just walk away completely? We had a great connection from day one and it's hard to let that go.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • If I were you, I'd keep my distance. I believe you'll end up hurt if you keep pursuing her. She may have sincere feelings for you but at this moment, it'll be very difficult to distinguish if she truly wants something serious with you or just deeply appreciates your presence while she's going through this difficult process of grieving her marriage. In a way, you are her emotional crutch and that doesn't really place you in a great position when it comes to anything long term. You're filling the void. If you can place your feelings aside and be there for her when necessary, then definitely do. Just don't expect anything in return. At least not for a long time. You shouldn't allow her to pursue things either because in the long run, it's too soon.

    I went through the same thing with my previous relationship a few years back and realized that the person I was seeing right after my relationship deteriorated wasn't someone I was in love with and he fell in love with me. I deeply cared for him, built a great bond, appreciated his presence, but overall I didn't allow myself to grieve properly. He was my crutch. I should've given myself some space instead of jumping into a relationship and hurting someone else in the process.

    Just let her know you'll be there for her. Be patient. She will insinuate the next step to a relationship when she's ready.

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    • So what happened with that "crutch" relationship? Did it end and you both move on?

    • Pretty much. I really hurt him and it sucks because he was a really good friend. It was a tough situation to get out of though to the point that I had to start dating again and meeting new people to show him I was serious about moving on. It was harder because we moved in together for a good while. I became too comfortable being with him but for the wrong reasons. I didn't feel any passion with kissing , no sexual desire, cuddling, sleeping in the same bed etc..

      Just keep your distance but close enough to make yourself available as a friend. The best thing for her now is to learn to be happy and single for a while to get her life together. After all, everyone deserves a relationship where both individuals are able and willing to put everything on the table without holding back out of fear.

What Girls Said 7

  • This is gonna sound awful, but if I were you, I wouldn't get involved with someone who has that much emotional baggage.

    She's using you as a crutch for her heartache and doesn't seem to care that what she's doing is causing YOU pain.

    She's clearly not over her marriage ending. Some people can take YEARS to get over it and even then, they say certain things to their new partners that smell of past bitterness.

    Getting into a relationship with you is a BAD move. She needs to sort her heart and head out, because she's clearly not ready for a new life with a new person.

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  • Give her some space. Whether or not you are, she perceives you as pushy. Give her time and maybe she will start to miss you again. I know it's very difficult so it's easy to say but very hard to do when you feel so much for someone. But the bird will fly back to you if her feelings for you are genuine. Without space she cannot think and figure out where she is.

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  • No. I think you should continue being there for her. Help her heal and get over as well as cultivate those feelings that are in her.

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    • How do I do that without coming across as being pushy? She's accused me of being pushy a lot lately.. I think it's a combination of my feelings showing but also her running away from her feelings. I really enjoy her company as does she and the benefits are great, but she needs some space which I understand. Should I leave her alone for a certain amount of time? Like a week or 2 or what do you think? We used to text every single day

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    • My friend said maybe her ex came back and that could be why she's taking a break from me. That scenario would make sence.. If that's the case I cannot compete with that. Could also be she's sleeping with someone else trying to forget me. She did develop feelings even though she won't admit it. Or who knows, it could be just what she said that she needs space because she's confused.. Hard to say really, but I'll take your advice and not text for a bit and see what happens.

    • Whatever the case is, I know there's something she isn't telling me. I just don't know what that is

  • I agree with MaskedSanity on this one. She's using you to help herself heal while being incredibly selfish and cold hearted.

    If walk away, she's going to play games for a long time to make herself feel better.

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  • Hmm. This is a tough situation. If she is backing away BECAUSE she does have feelings for you, it may be because she is feeling scared. She may not have felt this way about anyone before her ex-husband. So if this was the case, I would say to give her some space by backing off the "seeing her casually" thing BUT do be there for her in her time of need. Be a good friend to her, and support her through this tough time. When she is ready, she will surely open up to you again.

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  • Don't let her go, needs your comfort even though she is backing away.

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  • Keep your distance.

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