My Lesbian Friend (23/F) Asked Me (25/F) Out. I'm Interested But Turned Her Down Because It Didn't Feel Real. Did I Do the Right Thing?

I (25/f) suffer from social anxiety/shyness, and low self-esteem. I’ve never dated and I’m bad at communicating/understanding signs of attraction. Jess (23/F) is lesbian, outgoing, friendly and tomboyish. We met last year when she visited my store and became good acquaintances. 5 months ago she and her longtime girlfriend split up after her girlfriend cheated on her and broke her heart. Jess was depressed, and although she seems happier now she's still getting over it.

Last Friday she invited my sister and I to her fav club. Throughout the night she'd come over and check on us. Each time she'd ask how I was she’d touch my mid-back, slide a hand up/down my waist, even touch my butt. Randomly one of Jess' friends asked Jess if I was pretty. To my surprise Jess said "Yeah, she's beautiful."

Once home I texted Jess. She randomly msged me: “Do you like girls? Boys? Both?" Me: "Both.” Jess: "Ooo do you have a boyfriend or gf? :) I'm sick of being single."

I was flustered because I've never had a female ask me out before, but also caught off guard by her boldness and sudden interest which felt *very* random, and unfortunately a little disingenuous. It felt like she might be settling. Ex. she could've said "Do you have a boyfriend or gf? Because I really like you." That's why I'm skeptical of whether she actually likes me. And we’ve only hung out once. To save her from a potentially meaningless relationship and myself the heartache, I put aside my feelings and said: you're a catch but you should focus on yourself and hobbies before jumping back into a relationship.

She agreed, saying she gets too carried away with women, and started talking about her pets.
We texted up until last Wednesday (making plans for an outing) and she popped by my store randomly the next day (which was hella awkward omg) but she hasn't responded to my latest text in 5 days. I don't know where we stand now, nor if I did the right thing.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • How can know whether she likes you or not unless you spend some date quality time together? Nothing in life is a sure thing and you won't make much progress since outcomes are seldom if ever knowable at the beginning.

    Maybe she's been crushing on you for a while. Doesn't hurt to explore.

    One other thing. How awkward was her random visit to your store? She is sure to have picked up on it and is now thinking that you have been sadistically stringing her along from the start.

    We all have a little voice in our ear telling us 'It's all about YOU, loser.' It is usually not.

    Never mind texting. Pick up the phone and talk.

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    • It was pretty awkward honestly. She surprised me and due to my anxiety I didn't know what to say. She was also wearing sunglasses the entire time, and although I knew she was staring at me, I couldn't see her eyes. There was awkward/nervous smiling on her part as well. -_-

      I didn't hear from her for a while after that until recently when she texted me asking about some plans we had made for tomorrow - we're supposed to visit a Waterfall with my sister.

      I responded to her text much later that day - I was very sick when she texted - telling her I was still interested in going and asked her how she's been otherwise, but she never responded. That was 3 days ago. She is now texting and calling my sister exclusively, and they seem to get along well - I was always a little insecure/shy around her due to my anxiety, and I guess she's ignoring me now. She'll ask a few questions about me but won't talk to me. I guess she's ignoring me now. It's weird. Honestly I'm hurt and confused

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    • Aww thanks for your sweet message. Here's an update in case you were interested/ wanted to offer more insight. So basically she ended up backing out of our plans to hang out (she accidentally made other plans on the same day) She backed out of my sister's plans for all of us to go to Pride as well. So I actually texted her a few days ago saying, "Is it ok if I text you later tonight?" (I was going out at the time)

      To my surprise she wrote back with this message about 20 minutes later, "Lol I'm sorry I've been antisocial lately."

      This quick apology and confession caught me completely off guard, I wondered how she knew what I wanted to talk about. Also, I didn't know how much I believe this since she texted my sister not two days prior. Nonetheless, I told her that she was stealing my lines because I wanted to apologize to her. I added, "I deal with anxiety and know I can come off awkward/distant. But I value our friendship and wanted to check that we were good."

    • She texted back, "Of course lol I've just been a little stressed lately and tend to withdraw, haven't been going out or anything. I think wine helps with anxiety lol"

      I texted her back after this but haven't heard from her since. I'm not sure what to think about her at this point, nor where we stand. I still like her, but I figure I'll just be a friend for now, plus she seemed to have moved on to my sister after I rejected her anyway.

      She usually comes into my store once/week these days, but I dread seeing her tbh. All week I've found myself hoping she doesn't pop in, because I just couldn't handle that. Deep emotions/personal issues are things I'm uncomfortable telling people. But I forced myself to tell her about my anxiety because I wanted to clear things up a bit and give her a chance to understand me better.

      I'm embarrassed at the thought of seeing her anytime soon cuz I worry she thinks I'm insecure, and will be looking for the signs of my anxiety to judge me for. lol

What Guys Said 6

  • You can always look back and be critical of how you answered certain questions or challenges, but all you can expect of yourself is to act consistent with your beliefs and do what is most protective of you (which means following your instincts.)

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  • perhaps you could've given it 1 date.

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    • Maybe haha It's been over a week since we've spoken. I'm wondering, should I contact her? Even just to ask her what's new? Is that weird for friends to do? Personally I'd rather start slow with someone and get to know them. I can't really jump into relationships tbh

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    • did she know your sister prior to meeting you? or does she even know your sister well enough to talk to her that much?

    • She knew her a little better, I guess.

  • You did the right thing.

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  • Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back want to try it out or you like her go for it before she moves on and you get that horrible rejection

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    • lol I've been thinking about her a lot recently tbh But like I said in my post, it sounded like she just 'didn't want to be alone' rather than she 'actually liked me.' I'd like to keep getting to know each other, but she ignored my last text over a week ago, although she came to visit me at my store the next day.

      I was wondering if I should text her again, maybe ask her what's up? But I really don't know if I should, nor what I'd say. :s

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    • Text her asking

    • Hey there, I actually texted her a few days ago saying, "Is it ok if I text you later?" (I was going out at the time)

      To my surprise she wrote back with this message about 20 minutes later, "Lol :( I'm sorry I've been antisocial lately."

      This quick apology and confession caught me completely off guard, I wondered how she knew what I wanted to talk about. Also, I didn't know how much I believe this since she texted my sister not two days prior. Nonetheless, I told her that she was stealing my lines because I wanted to apologize to her. I added, "I deal with anxiety and know I can come off awkward/distant. But I value our friendship and wanted to check that we were good."

      She texted back, "Of course lol I've just been a little stressed lately and tend to withdraw, haven't been going out or anything. I think wine helps with anxiety lol"

      I texted her back after this but haven't heard from her since. I'm not sure what to think about her at this point, nor where we stand.

  • If you've never dated, how do you know you're bi. It sounds like your asexual

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    • I'm not asexual just because I've never dated lol That's ridiculous. Being asexual means having NO sexual desires for any sex or gender. That doesn't define me at all. I may be pansexual though, as I tend to be attracted to people based on chemistry and need to establish some sort of close relationship with someone before feeling comfortable being sexually attracted to them. Mind you, there are even exceptions to this rule for me. So yeah, I'm not interested in labeling myself. I'm just not as sexually straightforward as most I guess, but I'm sure my anxiety and lack of experience has something to do with this.

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    • Because I've found both males and females sexually attractive. Asexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone.

    • How do you know though, if you've never dated

  • Sounds like you did the right thing.

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What Girls Said 4

  • I think you did the right thing. I think it was a spur of the moment thing for her, doesn't seem like she was looking for a serious thing.

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  • Maybe you should try out a relationship. Couldn't hurt even if it was a little fling.

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    • thanks for your reply, and i guess i could just be in a relationship for the hell of it but... eh, i don't really have the time (and maybe the apathy) to do that right now. I could use real companionship and would probably end up being too attached to someone who didn't care about me that much. My self-esteem isn't the best so I can't imagine that would make me feel very good about myself haha

    • So yeah it's also good to be companions. ^_^

  • You trusted your gut. You know her better than I do. You probably made the right choice though.

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    • Thanks for your reply. I'm kind of kicking myself now to be honest. I could have been in a relationship, and maybe my social anxiety and fears/shyness affected my answer. In fact, I'm sure they did. >.<

      I also acknowledge that I'm not comfortable with being asked out like that. I'd want to get to know each other better first, is that normal? Or do people just jump into relationships with strangers and acquaintances these days? I feel so disconnected from my peers most of the time. lol -_-

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    • Well, I'm glad to hear you feel the same. At least I'm not totally alone haha I've been thinking of contacting her, maybe sending her a text asking her but I'm not sure if I should. I'm afraid of coming off desperate, and I'm not sure what I'd say either. She didn't reply to my last text over a week ago, although she did visit my store the day after. Still, I haven't had contact with her in over a week and feel anxious about contacting her out of the blue. haha I don't know what my next move should be or if I should just keep waiting.

    • Don't keep waiting. Initiate it. They say that it's better to regret something you did than to regret something you didn't do. Go for it.
      Good luck!

  • Rebounds suck. Unless you're just looking for a fling, you probably made the right choice. It's not like she can't get to know you better before trying to jump into anything if she is serious.

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    • Hi there, thank you for your reply, and I agree 100%. If she's really serious about dating me there's no reason we can't get to know each other over time, by actually hanging out more, and let a relationship develop naturally.

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