What do you do when the emotional connection is there but not the physical?

Recently met this guy who I can talk to hours with, we have so much in common and he's a great person with good values and morals. He's everything I want in a man except I'm not exactly attracted to him. I love getting to know more about him and I admire and respect him so much but I have no sexual desire for him at all. But everything else is there, just not that! He's not an ugly person he just is not my type. What should I do? Should I deal with the lack of attraction because he is a good man, or should I wait for someone I'm attracted to AND who has those qualities?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • First off there was something that attracted you to him in the first place. You say he is everything you are looking for in a man so you need to ask yourself a question. 20 years for now is it going to matter what he looks like? To me any lady I meet she becomes even more beautiful as I get to know her on the inside (ex. personality, values, morals, etc.) There needs to be chemistry I agree but that could be something that you may find that is there that you aren't allowing yourself to feel. Is there something from your past or inside you that is holding you back from giving this guy a chance or to feel this chemistry? To me it sounds like you may be reaching for excuses as to not be attracted to him when you really could be. You have a lot in common, you enjoy his company, you talk to him for hours and he is everything you are looking for... sounds like maybe you just met your best friend for life. When I get married I plan on marrying my best friend. I wish you only the best! Good luck!

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    • Maybe too you are scared on the feelings that you do have for him as to why you say you aren't attracted to him. I just feel that something inside of you or from your past is holding you back from enjoying life in the present so you are conjuring up things you can find wrong with him maybe? The past needs to stay in the past. You meet this great guy and its obvious to me that you have strong feelings for him otherwise you wouldn't be on here asking us what to do. Again good luck!

    • 30 years from now when looks don't matter I see myself with someone like him. I grew up in a harsh household where we weren't taught how to love or have affection so I know I have childhood issues that block me whenever I meet a good guy like this. I dumped a great guy 2 years ago bc I started feeling like this and wanted to be "free".

      The only thing "wrong" with the guy I'm dating is how he dresses and he's not "cool" so I'm not primally sexually attracted to him (so shallow I know) but I hope this is something I can quickly get over because guys like him are 1 in a million. I don't wanna waste his time if I can't love him right but I don't wanna miss out on a good man if this lack of attraction is something I can overcome

      He is so sweet and kind I have to block myself from crying. I don't know what I did to deserve such kind treatment from a man at times I just don't know what to do! Thank u for your response you've given me a lot to think about

    • There is a reason why you met this guy. Maybe this is the guy that will get you over the "hump" and show you what love is about- someone that you can love unconditionally. If his fashion sense bothers you then maybe you should help him casually. If he doesn't match maybe go through his wardrobe and suggest wearing this with that or maybe even just pick out an outfit for him that you think would look good on him. He may surprise you and be open to what makes you happy or trust you on picking out an outfit. If he doesn't match then playfully tell him when he is picking out an outfit that it doesn't. Of course this is only if you are comfortable with that. What I am saying is there are subtle ways around it. It isn't the end of the world but be honest with him and give him a chance. Why blow this 1 in a million chance because he doesn't dress cool according to you. Honesty and communication are vital for any relationship. Best of luck to you!

What Guys Said 3

  • You can't do anything without risking something. Now you just recently met him. Do you think that if you get to know him better the attraction may develop? How important to you *is* attraction?

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    • Attraction is important to me. I feel guilty because without the sexual attraction my mind will go to other men I am attracted to. He is the only guy in my life right now but I wouldn't cheat if we did date I just don't think I'd be satisfied without that physical chemistry

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    • I would really hate to do that. I love talking to him and he is truly worth his weight in gold I just feel bad I don't have those feelings for him. I honestly want to cry

    • I didn't say it'd be easy. It's probably going to be pretty tough. And I feel for you, I honestly do. I hate giving good people bad news. But you're not doing him any favors by continuing the relationship. Sooner or later you're going to arrive at that awkward point where you'll have no choice but to have this conversation. At least now, the feelings probably aren't that strong yet. That's why it's better to know sooner rather than later. He'll wonder why you kept something like that from him. It feels like a betrayal.

      I know this isn't easy. I'm so sorry for being so blunt, but life experience has taught me to be.

  • Well I think you should dump him... Cause I don't know whaf are waiting for when clearly you are not sexually attracted to him!! Don't kid yourself!!!

    You will only break his heart for no fault of his... and you will become a bad person in his eyes.
    So better tell him now that to don't feel attracted to him... Don't LEAD HIM ON!

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    • But remember... You may get a guy you are attracted to... but you may not get a guy with qualities like him

    • the last thing I want to do is hurt him. He doesn't deserve that at all.

  • I forget about it and move on. I can't date someone if there's no chemistry.

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What Girls Said 1

  • I married someone with the exact same kind of qualities that you explained. It felt nice and comfortable for a while. But I never experienced that hot passion I had for others. At first I had the energy to resist those temptations, but now I am all burned out and in serious need.
    After 6 years of marriage, I want out, and the hardest part is breaking his dear heart. But I don't see any passion in our relationship, and a life like that is not worth living. Even though he says he loves me, I know he deserves better; someone who adores him and dies for him, not just likes him and is comfortable with him
    I am going through a breakup now and it's so very painful. I wish I had never done this and that if even I had stayed single, I would have had a better life than what I have now and would not have hurt another human being's life and feelings. It was a huge mistake on my part. We both deserved better than this.
    I would say take a good deep look inside and find out why and who and what's making you want to make this decision in the first place, and why and what you like in this person. It could be that you're in pain from something and that you're in great need of something that he is able to fill those voids for you, so you feel you need him and are willing to sacrifice important things just to fill those voids. Later when they are filled, you will look at your life and will feel that you want more than what you have settled for. Your true dreams will surface, and not getting them will probably result in regret and/or depression. You will have to face the decision to choose between reaching your dreams and living your life, or breaking someone's heart.
    You seem like a smart person to ask this question early on. I wish I had been more honest with myself. I guess I didn't know any better. Anyway, I'm speaking with a counselor now. In our last session she told me to remember the last time that I was very happy, and find out what made me feel that way. I have already done several sessions of medical professional guided yoga, and my internal voice which for stupid reasons I had silenced for so long, has started to open up to me and talk.
    Good Luck, and if you have questions, don't hesitate to ask.

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