Are men who don't date single mom's selfish?

I was at the store. I saw a beautiful woman in yoga pants so I approached her. She had to be about 30. She gave me her number and told me to call her. We went out and she invited me into her home. Her four year old son ran up to her. Needless to say, I told her I couldn't see her anymore because I don't date women with kids. She got upset and claimed that men have rejected her a lot because of this. I felt bad but I told her sorry and went home. I haven't seen her since. Was I selfish?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think it's kind of messed up on her part to not tell you she had a kid, and also to be introducing her kid to a guy that she just met.

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What Girls Said 15

  • No, I think that it's perfectly reasonable not to want to date someone who already has children.

    I also agree with @ImSoSozzled , it's pretty shitty to not tell someone you're dating that you have a kid, and allow them to find out through a surprise meeting. It's also irresponsible, in my opinion, to introduce your children to people that you've only just started dating.

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    • I can't agree with this response more! I know a guy who had a daughter who was rejected often enough because of this, and he started to hold back the information. I told him that it was very misleading and too important not to tell women. And besides, his daughter was too precious to be kept a secret. Bad move.

      I also think it's only fair to the person to get it out of the way fast that they aren't interested rather than drag the kid through a confusing time.

  • NO, it's not selfish. You have every right to take something so seriously as potential step-parenting and know that it's not for you. The person affected the most will be the child. I too am not interested in being a parent - not biologically or by marriage as a step mom, and I have been raked over the coals as being immature or insensitive to reject men with children, or break up with them because the children became too much for me to bear. People need to understand that those who are childless or childfree are this way for a reason, and we would be making a very serious choice to get involved because we are up for a lot of time and money being put in to a little person we didn't expect to have in our lives. We either embrace it and are happy to have found a new family to be part of, or we reject it giving the other person an opportunity to find someone who will embrace it. The selfish part is getting involved just to have sex and ignore the kid because we feel we're not responsible and that they already have a parent to go to.

    She felt bad, you felt bad, everyone feels bad - that's what happens in rejections. But you did the right thing for yourself and everyone involved for now. Your thinking might change in a few years or it might not, but at least you're being honest. No fault in that.

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    • Totally in agreement. I am 20 and have rejected 2 men who had a kid (didn't know they had then at first). I am not ready for that and to be honest if I did want to have kids I'd want them to be my own and not someone elses.

  • No. I see it as being afraid of commitment to something/someone who is never going to have you as her first priority and whose child you might have to help raise.
    If you don't feel up to it or if you don't think that's fair the only right thing to do is to do what you did.
    I support people who know what they want and are brave enough to express this even though it might hurt the other person.

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    • But I do get why you would feel bad. i'd feel bad too - but I'm not ready to raise someone else's baby - even if it doesn't get to that I'd feel like I was responsible for the child in some way. O. o
      Empathetic.

    • Yeah I felt bad. Right now, I feel like an ass.

    • No need to feel bad... She should've mentioned something before her child attacked her in front of you. O. o
      I'd be a bit angry she didn't tell me, to be honest.
      Some mistakes follow us forever. Not saying her child is a mistake, but it's a part of her life and she should share that before someone invests his time in her and finds out their life isn't what she was representing it as.

  • If that's something you can't handle then no. Any girl wants to have a chance to date whoever just like anyone else but the kid comes first. If she is upset over guys that won't except her and her child then that's her problem. Every person has the right to choose who they surround themselves with. If you don't think dating a girl with a kid is something you want to take on then that's awesome and stick to it. If anything because the kid doesn't deserve to be in a situation where he/she isn't a priority. I have plenty of friends that would never date a girl with kids and I don't think of them any less. It's all personal preference. Not selfish.

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  • No I don't think it is selfish. If you aren't in a place in your life where you are ready for kids then it is important for you to know that and be true to that.

    What would be selfish is to date her anyways knowing you weren't going to stick around. Also meeting the kid should be a big thing she shouldn't be dragging men in and out of the kid's life.

    You is hard for people with kids to think of a life without them but the lives are very different.

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  • bhahaha, I would kick you out myself !

    Let me begin, couples and romance is just lust, 2 people pulling for their own desires, its a give me what i want and need from both people constantly. You not wanting her to have a child is the first example of your selfishness, which does not make you a bad person, just normal.

    A child is an amazing gift and a true love, he/she will never divorce me, tell me im not good enough, im always his mother. To watch him grow, re living my own childhood along the way is breathtaking and puts my mind free.
    I have more than enough money to support myself and my son, and while im taking some time away from dating I know I won’t have trouble when I do, I've turned down men with no children, I would actually rather date a guy with a child because we can relate on the understandings of parenthood, it’s a new chapter and maybe you will understand one day.
    I do not care if a guy would not want to date me for that, because my child comes first always and sure I get horny and want some adult fun but that’s all a man will ever be to me. Its hard living with another adult, ill take my child and his needs first and always with pride. There are too many people in this world, I hope you don’t think your so special anyone really cares what you will/wont do and im sure as hell no mother will throw her kid out for you. With all respect.

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    • sorry for the rant, but this stereotypical single mom thing, you guys got it wrong !

    • You're right other guys need to read this because a lot of guys seem to think that a women with kids walk around with a scarlet letter and that a childless woman is the cream of the crop. I don't think one is more special than the other. Both are datable. I wish I had a child lol. All of my friends had same attitude about men with kids now low and behold they all have kids now and don't want to be judged. It has made them more mature now because they are responsible for someone else so like you when they meet guys without kids they are more likely to turn them down. They rarely meet a guy that understands that they can't be number 1. It would be selfish for anyone to put a man or a woman before their child, but anyway thanks for the rant hopefully other guys will read this and get a better understanding :)

    • thanks, its a new chapter and people just don't understand it yet. :)

  • YES YOU WERE. She was a perfectly good woman, and a responsible one too. Don't be immature; go for a good woman when you see one. In the long run, she'll be a good pick.

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    • Women with children are not on my radar.

    • Why not? If she only has one kid it won't be that difficult.

  • No. Not at all. They have a preference and there's nothing that can be done about it.

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  • I don't think it's selfish but once you get to a certain age its hard to find someone without children. She should have told you she had a son and you should not have been allowed to be around him at that point. I felt the same way until I met someone with kids. My perspective is different now and I was only 19 when I was dating the guy with kids. I see things this way. I want to be a mother one and I love kids so I have no problem dating a parent. If you don't like kids and don't see yourself being a father one day then its normal to not want to date a mom.

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  • No it's not selfish its your opinions and view on what you want. It takes a special kind of man to accept a single mom

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  • Yea, you kinda were. And you approached this situation completely wrong. You should have gotten to know her first and be more open minded cuz single women with kids are real women who need love too. I admit I prefer not to date guys who already have kids but if i really liked the guy id try to be open minded about it and give it a change. What i dont get is why you shut it down so quickly when you found out? :(

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    • To counter what I said, I wouldn't want someone else's baggage (children) id want a guy who waz all mine and have OUR kids and not someone elses so in a way i see where your coming from... id want it to be me and the guy i love, not us plus someone else's kids as a constant reminder that things didn't workout between him and another woman... thats the selfish but realistic way of looking at it and i understand.

    • Kids are not baggage

  • yes!!! thats so... owww

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  • Sorta but at the same time its better to end before it begins and let her and the child get attached to you. Then you would be selfish and have a real right to feel awful.

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  • No it isn't selfish. It just means you don't want to be/are not ready to have children. If you WERE to pursue her before you were ready for such a commitment, it would end DISASTROUS.

    And WHY was she letting you meet her kid? First date she should have met you outside or something, you do not EVER invite a man you just met into your home with children. Even if you went out before she invited you in, she still should not have felt comfortable enough with you to trust you that much to let you around her kids. I feel bad for those kids, she's willing to let them be at higher risk for sexual abuse/ physical/ mental abuse by doing such a thing.

    be glad you got out of there, she is obviously the selfish one. As well as NUTS.

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  • You should have waited to get to know her and her kid first before you stopped talking to her. Hopefully she will find a guy someday that will look past the fact she has a child. Maybe watch out next time for their feelings and don't lead them on.

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    • She didn't mention she had a kid prior to the date. She lead him on..

    • Yes, I also agree with this cuz he could have been missing out on something special :)

    • Oh well yes she should have said something to him prior to getting involved. I don't know maybe they had a really good connection and she thought him meeting her kid would change his mind.

What Guys Said 20

  • It is nothing to scoff at... entering a situation such as that and raising another man's child. In this day and age there are so many problems with what used to be a more manageable situation. Think about it! For as long as you are with her there will always be the father and there is not a damn thing you can do to create a distance from her past, and possibly recent, relationship. Perhaps it was just an accidental child, or maybe it was a marriage that ended in divorce. Regardless, the idea of a former flame haunting the relationship until the day you die or part ways is pretty intimidating to most men.

    A friend of mine just married a woman that had THREE children. He is the same age as me and my goodness, one I might contemplate depending on the woman herself... but three?

    Anyway, don't feel bad... It was a decision that she made once upon a time and I am sure she will find someone to love. As the child ages, so will more men be comfortable stepping into the picture. Most of us would rather experience fatherhood firsthand and from the very beginning with our own flesh and blood and that is a fairly natural desire!

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    • my ways of thinking exactly

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    • Indeed and by the way how old is your friends wife with three kids? Yeah that's the thing too about single moms and dads. It's like their first born was already a mistake and clearly they didn't learn from it enough and had a 2nd one?

    • @bloodmountain1990 he turned 26 this year! Plus, he had a child with her months prior to the marriage so it is quite the tall order for someone that age to take on. The oldest is 12 so the ages are quite staggered. Definitely beats me on the bravery board, because I definitely couldn't handle that!

  • I don't date them and here's why

    1. U have to win her and her child's heart or it may not work out

    2. I don't want the father of her children around and remind u of them having sex and her past

    3. Her kids come first, ur needs have to wait or often is jeperdized

    4. Divorce rate for couples is 51 percent. Divorce rate for single parents is 75 roughly.

    5. Her body has changed for good after giving birth, if that's important to u.

    6. Her child is a constant reminder of her past with another man

    7. You have to be selfish with romantic love because they csn make or break u. Get the best u can get don't settle!

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    • #4, very interesting statistic on single parents!

    • my thoughts exactly, as a girl, i would not want to date a guy with kids for these reasons

  • Should've at least banged her. But you did what I would've done. Kids are a big responsibility and if you don't see kids in your immediate future then it's best to bail. She might say that her son isn't your responsibility, but the further you go with her and the more you become part of her life, and by extension his, you'll find that you'll eventually take on responsibilities for a kid who's not even yours. Depending on the temperament of the kid, this can set up for some acrimonious dynamics, which would put you in a difficult position. You'd be expected to take on a father-type position but you wouldn't have the authority of one, so you'd really be at a loss. Best to nip it in the bud as you did.

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    • If I had sex with her, there's a risk I would've gotten her pregnant. Didn't want to take that chance.

    • You always have that risk with any girl.

    • At @Asker, I agree with this because if she hadn't been careful with one guy, who's to say she won't be just as irresponsible with another. I feel this way with single dads too, and how many children from different partners they have. It says a lot about them, and I never did want to get caught up in that drama.

  • It doesn't matter if its selfish or not. Being selfish is not always a bad thing like people act like. Like most things in life it is all about finding the right balance. Too much or too little of anything can be bad. We need to be a little selfish sometimes or else we would never be happy as others would just use us and take us for granted.

    Its your life and you have a right to decide who you want to share your life with. You don't owe a woman a relationship any more than a woman owes you sex. You were upfront and honest with her. She should have been more upfront and honest with you about having a kid.

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  • No not all, it doesn't make a guy any more selfish than a girl not wanting to date a guy because he's a single dad.

    While it's ones choice to keep and raise their kid, it does get in the way of things especially with dating. The kid comes first and the parents owe it to them and not the other way around.

    I Tried dating single moms around my age and it just didn't work out. Half the time, we couldn't even get a date because they were so busy with their kid. Nothing against them or their kid personally but I still don't wanna deal with it.

    That being said, one thing that really turns me off is when women have more than one unplanned pregnancies. It's like ok you had one and it could have been a mistake but for your 2nd one or more it's like use damn protection. This applies to single dads too by the way.

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    • I'd also question the young mom's responsibility. Since she didn't use protection, will she use protection when having sex from now on?

  • No you are not being selfish.

    Relationships are hard as it is, when it is between two people. Dating a single mom, you are not in just a relationship with her. You are also in the relationship, with her kid or kids.

    You should also not feel bad, she should have told you from the start that she had a kid.

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  • Everyone should be selfish when it comes to dating. You look for someone that would add value to your life, not someone you can be a slave for.

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  • no, i mean if your not going to be happy with her then there's no point. and i mean if this was to go anywhere and you dont want a take care of a kid, then thats just hurtful to her and the kid. and i wouldn't worry about her she will find someone there are plenty of guys that dont mind.

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  • Selfish, to a point, is a GOOD thing when it comes to potential partners. Every person should have absolutes that they do not compromise on.

    If a woman with a kid doesn't make you comfortable for some reason, then saying adios that early is a good thing, because you're not wasting each other's time.

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  • no its not. i mean you're a young guy who doesn't feel too enthused about taking care of someone else's kid. With the laws the way they are today, simply cohabiting with her could make you legally responsible for that child monetarily. So you made the right decision for the both of you

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  • No.

    The feminist was going to trap you anyways. You would have been left with paying for a kid that isn't yours.

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    • That absolutely does happen. My brother married a girl with two kids who he legally adopted and when he left her, he was ordered to pay child support to her even though she already collected from the biological father! It was disgusting to watch. She went on holidays twice a year, had her teeth fixed, all thanks to two men who paid for the same kids.

    • Asker read the comment above. She might have saved you millions.

    • I dodged a bullet.

  • No, i would've done the same thing. If i don't want kids of my own, i sure as hell don't wanna be with someone who already has someone elses kid.

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  • No that kid is a responsibility that you have to take if you date her even if she says you don't you will. If you're not prepared or don't want that responsibility then no you're not selfish

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  • I don't think you were selfish. Taking care of kids that aren't your own is an unfair burden

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    • yes, in full agreement. i dont think i want kids at least not now but if i did id want my own and not someone elses

  • You were not selfish. Though Im curious to learn why you personally don't date mothers? Just curious thats all.

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  • Its she thats taking care of the kid no burden on you I guess. So its your loss for dumping her

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  • Bro, hook me up with her. :D

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    • I would but I threw her number away. 😂

  • No i dont think so bro taking care of others kid is like a burden

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  • No, you don't want to take care of some dickwad's kids and you want to live your life. Nothing wrong with that.

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  • That's your hook up and break up culture.. ! Face the consequences... Of this

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