Could I actually be falling in love with this guy?

I used to have a mental checklist of everything I wanted in a potential mate. I said that I didn't want to be with a man that smoked or drank, that was married or had kids. Well, something weird is happening to me. I met this guy on an online dating site and for whatever reason we were matched up even though he had a lot of things that I didn't want. He has a kid, was married, is a recovering alcoholic and is trying to quit smoking. When I read his profile, I didn't think we would have anything in common, then we started talking. The more we talk, the happier I have become, the more confident I feel, and I find that I can't stop thinking about him. Even though he is everything I didn't think I wanted, I find that I want him despite those things. Am I falling in love with him? Is this unusual?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Mental checklists are ridiculous. Its like claiming you don't like a food before even trying it. This is normal, go with it. Its like when you think of a dream job, but then when you actually get it you realised you ignored all the negatives about it. That is essentially what a checklist does, it highlights the benefits yet ignores the negatives. He doesn't smoke, but then that ignores all of his other positive traits. He is a go getter when it comes to his career? Well that ignores that he will be spending more time at work then with you. He is patient? well that ignores that he won't be a go getter or as assertive. For all attributes there is a pro and a con. Checklist don't acknowledge this fact, so your feelings are showing you his positive characteristics and your realizing those are more important to you then avoiding the few negatives. Besides, you may find certain characteristics you thought you didn't like you actually do (say you don't want children but then when you spend enough time with them you realize how much you love them). So yeah, I think this is normal.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You don't fall in love with someone based on details. You don't fall in love with a guy because he doesn't smoke cigarettes. So of course, whether or not you love someone will have nothing to do with that detail. It may be a turn off initially, but actual feelings look past little turn offs...

    I've always thought I could never love a guy who can't spell and has a limited vocabulary, always thought I'd be too turned off a guy who dips. Yet I'm in love with him. So...

    The heart is strange.

    Best of luck.

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What Guys Said 5

  • That's because what people want intellectually, emotionally and instinctively are usually not the same thing.

    Love for me is a nobrainer.
    It's like asking "am I afraid?" or "am I happy?" If you really have to ask and wonder if you are happy or afraid then you probably aren't. Same with love.

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  • It depends on how strong your convictions were in terms of the criteria of your checklist.

    If your "no kids, no smokers" thing was tied directly to some of your deep, core values, then there is a good chance that those characteristics of his will become real problems at some point.

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  • When you say married do you mean currently married or was married?

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  • life is weird ain't it

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    • Yep one moment it's in her snatch and the next she's getting it in the butt.

  • The fact that an online dating site put you together can do incredible subconscious things to you that make you think things are working better than they are. Plus, you're a girl. Girls fall in love empathetically: that is, the more you feel loved, the more you love. So it's easy to get into a bind with your emotions when a "relationship" is set up this way.

    All of that said, of course it could be a good match. We can't always predict what we'd like. At the end of the day most people are good people. My guess is that you're the kind of person who could love a lot of different people (which is a very nice quality of unselfishness).

    Probably the answer to your question will come to you if you force yourself to think about things a little outside of the box. Try to be a little more selfish and consider things that don't come up daily. Can this guy make you happy in the long term? Specifically, would your hobbies / dreams / ambitions / goals / things you care about be stifled? Don't answer questions like that with "I could give this up ___" or "I could adapt to this ____" or similar. Try to figure out exactly what it is that you're compromising about and then decide if it's worth it.

    Also, if you've not done a lot of online dating, remember that many many people fall into this kind of trap on their first or second attempt. So much of the natural filtering we do is taken away by the fact that the match has been made that we fail to continue to filter the way we should.

    Hope this helps.

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What Girls Said 2

  • Or you are making exceptions for this guy because you feel really attracted towards him.

    It's not necessarily love.

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  • Love's conditional. It could be just a physical attraction that would sizzle in time.

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