Why most men think that girls who had few/many One Night Stands were generally 'used' despite there being mutual consent?

It's a very interesting phenomenon. There is mutual consent for a ONS but if a guy is dating a girl for 2 years and she tells him that she had 7 ONS, he would generally feel that she was USED. Logic tells us it shouldn't be like that, both partners enjoyed but still there is something deeper than this that tells men that she was used. Why is that happening? Any ideas what generates this feeling of a girl being used no matter she agrees to have sex?

My opinion:
There can be a mutual consent for ONS and still the girl to be used as in guys get more pleasure and benefits out of ONS wheres the girl would feel guilty/used/ashamed/weird. Also if we accept that girls are programmed to search for serious relationships and choose only one man who's worth it, then ONS don't make sense at all, so it makes them look used when having ONS.
Thus we can conclude : Girls who have many ONS are not in tune with their deepest selves and generally there is something wrong with them. Girls who had 1-2 ONS and felt bad about it are okay, and it can be taken as a mistake done and lesson learned.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • i think by "used" i think they mean she is someones leftovers not used as in used and played with

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    • Well okay yes, why would a guy think that a girl with many ONS is a leftover if he decides to be in a serious relationship with her? Why can't we go the opposite : The guys are the leftover of the girls?

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    • I think its semi hardwired, the reason being is historicly, and even presently, men expend greater risk and resources on women then women do men. Men ask women out (taking the risk of rejection) they plan the date (in order to please her) they pay for the date (to please her/prove they are capable providors) and generally chauffer her there and home again. They then do this repeatedly until in a relationship where they buy flowers and jewelery (again to please her and prove there providor status) and if there is danger they are expected to confront it even at there own expense (proving there protector status, a bit more necessary historicly then now). This means they are paying for the privledge of procreation. If the woman in question has had many sexual partners, all of which where for free then that immediatley devalues the man, he must not be all that special if he is paying for what others got for free.

    • The woman on the other hand, is not expending as many resources or taking as many risks so she is not being devalued by the man having slept around, so long as he is still devoting his resources to her he is essentially proving her value to him. This is also why such severe laws, historicly, existed for adultery for women more so then men, because they where sacrificing so much for the privlidge of reproduction while the woman was getting so much resources for providing that service. It was in fact, more for womens benefit because if some women became promiscuis it would 1) give men the sex they wanted for free and 2) if she cheated and got no negative repercussions (not unlike today) they would have less and less reason to marry and devote there resources since it would be for nothing. I personally never understood why women would want a man who would sleep around (many women claim to want an experienced man) I think its a character flaw, as with any self indulgent behaviour.

Most Helpful Guy

  • The answer comes down to sociosexual orientation. (I wish there was a less clumsy word for that - think instead of saying homosexual, you can just say gay.)

    Anyway, sociosexual orientation is a pretty much unchanging element of your nature just like:
    - gender
    - sexual orientation
    - gender identity

    Sociosexual orientation defines ones comfort with casual sex. Two outcomes are possible for sociosexual orientation:

    - sociosexually restricted
    - sociosexually unrestricted

    Unrestricted people are cool with casual sex:
    - they see sex as purely physical (sex is sex)
    - the separate emotions and sex
    - they tend not to bond with a partner
    - they commonly engage in one night stands
    - they start having sex at a younger age
    - they engage in sexual activity earlier in a relationship
    - they tend to have high number of sexual partners
    - they are accepting of high numbers for their partner's

    Restricted people largely reject casual sex
    - they hold the romantic view of sex (sex contains physical, emotional, and spiritual components)
    - they tend to bond with their partners (and value that this happens)
    - they see casual sex as missing something essential
    - for them, one night stands are all but out of the question
    - they strongly prefer to have sex inside a committed relationship
    - they have a smaller number of sexual partners
    - they prefer their partners have a small number too
    - they need their partners to have similiar values regarding sex.

    Currently, the mix of sociosexual orientations in the US are as follows:

    Male
    43% restricted
    57% unrestricted

    Female
    53% restricted
    47% unrestricted

    The important things to know about sociosexual orientation are these:
    - know your own orientation
    - only seek relationships with those who match you orientation

    ----

    So, to answer your question:

    I would not regard a woman who has had numerous one night stands as being used or damaged. Instead, her actions identity her as being a poor match for me in a relationship. This is true just as surely as a gay man would also be a poor match for me as I'm a heterosexual male. As it happens, I'm sociosexually restricted. I've had exactly 1 one night stand in my adult life. Despite the fact that it was a good experience, I never repeated the act. All the other sex that I've had, I've had in the context of a relationship.

    Simply put, it is possible for someone to be wrong for me without being wrong themselves.

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    • If an unrestricted woman engages in casual sex including one night stands, I see that she is acting in accordance with her nature. Move along, nothing to see here.

      Alternatively, if a restricted woman engages in similiar behavior, my first question is: "What the hell happened to her?" If someone is acting in conflict with their nature, their actions in this regard are rightly seen as self destructive.

      Such a radical difference in interpretation of the same behaviors. That difference derives from differing sociosexual orientations.

      Can you see the pressing need to know ones own orientation? If only to avoid hurting oneself?

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    • That's a great answer by the way, I will research deeper into this, but have you ever wondered what factors determine your sociosexual orientation? Because even If I'm unrestricted I won't have relationship with a porn star/prostitute who are also unrestricted, this doesn't make them better. They enjoy sex, they do it, they detach emotions and all kind of bs, but they are trash to me and behave like trash. Same with the unrestricted girls I guess, they will behave in a certain manner, I mean their unrestrcitedness will inevitable influence other areas of their lives, perception of life and behavior. Which socially would be a bit deviated from my standards I guess.

    • Don't overload your conception of restriction / unrestriction. Yes, sex workers will most likely hail from the unrestricted camp, but they are hardly representative. Indeed, with 47% of the female population being unrestricted, it's likely that a fair number are still virgins. Hold your standards for the person you get together with, but recognise that your natural mate has the same sociosexual orientation as yourself.

What Girls Said 9

  • Re Your Conlusion - Interesting that you a guy think that. What makes you think that is the girl that's being used and not he guy. Women do have sexual desires and can take control over their sexuality and shouldn't be seen as used. If that's the case and using your same logic then women can too 'Use' guys for sexual pleasure on ONS. I do hope really most men don't have the same logic your propose here. But every opinion is respected and hopefully many girls respond and provide a different point of view and give you a different perspective. All in good spirit here.

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  • I totally understand what you saying.
    There's still the idea that girls aren't horny as guys and that's such a lie. Girls have needs too and sometimes and some girls just don't want drama romance and prefer ONS. It's a choice of both. No one is forced or used.
    Kiss*

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  • I'd say I'm honestly in the 1-2 category who regretted it. But no, it doesn't make sense that guys can have several one night stands and be thought as normal, but if it's a girl there is something wrong with her. Plenty of women enjoy sex just as much as men and they should have the freedom to have fun before they are ready to settle down and get into an exclusive relationship.

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  • LMAO at this bullshit. Most of us want to have sex as much as we can. ONS are great fun. I have enjoyed all my ONS and a few of them have become steady lovers.

    I am very in tune and comfortable with my level of sexual confidence.

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  • No, women aren't "wired" to only seek monogamous relationships.
    Even if we go by "evolution" - our closest animal relatives, the bonobo... bonobo females have casual sex allll the time.

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  • Because I guess in a guys mind. Girls have to be caring and not just have fun. They see us as hopeless romantic when not all of us are that way

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  • So you are saying that there is nothing wrong with a guy who has one night stands but there is something wrong with s girl who has one night stands even though it takes 2 people to have a one night stand. She did not have the one night stand by herself

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  • Or or or or they like to fuck.

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    • I used to sext, have phone sex, and cam sex with guys all the time and only do it once with one guy. Probably 20+ guys. I did it because getting off is great. Squirting is wonderful, and so on and so forth. I would never have 20+ one night stands, but i think its perfectly normal for a girl to want to fuck, i mean, who doesnt?

  • Wake up Dude!!! Everyone is capable of having meaningless sex. Sex is just that sex. It doesn't mean anything or ties you to anyone unless there are mutual emotional connections.

    I don't condone it, neither do I partake in it, but I'm not clueless enough to believe it doesn't happen & chicks don't always feel used & neither do guys think chicks were being used.

    WELCOME TO 2015 OLE CHUM :)

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    • Actually, biologicly speaking it isn't. The brain releases oxytocin during sex (the same chemical released upon childbirth), its purpose is to create strong emotional bonds or deepen existing ones. Just because we removed the more obvious negative aspects of sex like pregnancy and std's does not mean that promiscuity is natural. Sex is natural, promiscuity is not. Statistics show that the more sexual partners you have the more likely you are to divorce when married as well as having generally more unstable relationships. Most likely due to the inability to form deep emotional connections and intimacy as well as the instilling of the mindset that people are disposable since you have had so many relationships prior and there for creating the illusion that they are of lesser value and easily replaced.

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    • "You can supply as many links as you want it doesn't change the fact that your wrong." How so? Isn't the determinent factor on whether or not a statment is wrong the evidence? I countered your argument with said evidence, the only logical and legitament claim that I am wrong that you can make is by disproving the evidence presented. Just because its not what you want to hear does not mean its wrong.

    • You didn't prove anything that I supplied false, so where is your counterargument?

      If porn stars profession is sex with strangers & they are not emotional attached to these partners & are married, how do you suppose you are correct?
      www.businessinsider.com/former-porn-stars-leading-normal-lives-2013-7

      If married couples become swingers and remain married without becoming emotionally connected to their orgy partners, how do you suppose you are correct?
      nypost.com/.../

      Finally, if prostitutes can have sex for money & not create any bond with their customers, how do you suppose you are correct?
      www.experienceproject.com/.../208681

      Oxytocin has multiple purposes and if you would have read the article you supplied for comprehension you would have known the theory is about mood changes & only applies to couples who have been committed for years not people having ONS, which this post is clearly about.
      www.webmd.com/.../how-the-love-hormone-works-its-magic

      You need to brush up on what Oxytocin is & does: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin

What Guys Said 16

  • Fuck if I know. The way I see it, both people are using each other and both people are cheap in my eyes.

    Like, K-Mart, buy one get one free cheap.

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  • Neotany, its where traits from childhood are held onto into adult hood. These traits can and do perform social functions however it also has another effect. Women have considerablly more neotanis traits, thinner skin less prounouced jaw line and eye ridges, greater number of tear ducts and narrower channels that require fewer tears to fill up those channels and spill over (they cry easier), smaller frames. There are others but what this does is result in a protective instinct, since they have a greater resemblence to children it causes an instinctive response to protect. Its why women are viewed as harmless (in studies of violent crimes involving man and woman who where equally violent from the initial response would, after time increasingly view the woman as less violent then the man, eventually getting to the point where she was viewed more as a victim then victimizer.) Its why women can be taken less seriously in positions of authority or as physcial attackers while being taken more seriously when viewed as in danger or in distress. Its also why males generally are not taken seriously when in distress or in danger while taken more seriously when in positions of authority or in physical altercations. Essentially, we nearly always view men as victimizers, and women as the victim. That coupled with what you touched on creates a massive gender bias, its also what informed the American law where a intoxicated woman who has sex whith a man is considered rape because she cannot consent while intoxicated despite the man being in the same condition, or where she is sober and he is intoxicated.

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  • Simple.

    Sex matters a lot more for women, and their attractive window is much shorter than men. A hot girl is practically a rock star in high school/college... then time rolls on, and by 29, she's probably a shadow of what she was at 19.

    Women also get mentally screwed much easier than most men. A few bad experiences... and a woman can quickly go from being relationship material to damaged goods.

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  • My personal opinion: Guys generally are just pussies when it comes to accepting the fact that other guys can, have, or will rock that pussy just as good or better than they can. Their fragile egos can't handle this and so if we just sit in the mentality that she was being used because God forbid, she was actually enjoying the hell out of it just as much or more than the guy giving it to her, then our egos don't have to take the hit.

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  • There is this assumption that women don't like sex and every guy is always willing. It's a false on both counts. Now that women can just eo it, they will. It's a male ego thing that thinks it's not normal.

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  • I don't go out of my way to find that stuff out, I mean I'd prefer if the person doesn't sleep around but as long as they're clean and loyal while I date them then I could care less about their past.

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    • Same here. I know women who are far less sexually active (less sexual partners as well) than I am but have had several types of STDs and even abortions.

      I've had 0 STDs in my life and never had a pregnancy scare (safe sex 100 percent of the time). Yet I'm someone who doesn't think of sex as holy (if you get my point).

    • Right, you don't see sex as something only for married couples. Personally I think people overhype losing your virginity. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it a lot but I didn't feel any different afterwards.

  • Frankly, I think ONS and friends with benefits are just stupid and dumb...

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    • I agree. I also find it ridiculously annoying when people tell me I should just give up and join that lifestyle. Frankly it is for narcissistic, emotionally stunted individuals. I have tried it and will never do it again.

  • Only guys who have had few partners themselves would think that. I would be fine with it, even thinking it to be a good thing getting it out of her system making her less likely to cheat or get curious about sex with others.

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  • I don't care about ONS as long as there's no STD's.

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  • it's coping mechanism for a guy who knows that he's dating a whore or some guys are really super stupid and believe into girl's fairy tales.

    if girl was actually used that would be a rape and she'd have a serious trauma for whole her life.

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  • let me put it this way... girls are not guys what applies to guys can never apply to girls, girls are seen as pure and innocent if they choose to be dirty and slutty its their choice i am not her to judge but society will always look down at them for choosing to do that , a girl who had too many partners will never find a nice, genuine, attractive and good man to marry her or even date her simply because he's going after the girls that never done anything dirty , why? because she will never embarass him and there is no past to remember no guy from her past will point at her at some party and say " yeah she blew me a couple years ago and i finished in her mouth " all men want to be the first , wrong or right it makes no difference there is no way around it and no one can change that , men dont equal women , they are different in so many aspects and can never truly be treated the same cause it simply won't work.

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  • just because it was mutual consent doesn't mean the girl is not damaged goods

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  • When getting a car, you check the condition, miles, and number of previous owners.
    You don't want a decorated banged-up abused unreliable piece of shit.
    And you sure as hell won't buy a previous rental, that has been through god know what.
    You want a car you can count on to take you where you need to go, the next day, next month, and next year, without breaking down on your ass.
    It's all about reliability.

    I may take it for a spin, but it will never end up in my garage.
    That's for premium models only.

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    • Yes, because human beings are the same as cars... vaginas get dried up and completely useless if they have exactly one too many penises inside of them. They rot away and break down.

      Yup. Because logic.

    • It's not about the vagina... it's not even about the sex.
      It's about the obvious display in lack of commitment, and always moving on to something else.
      Reliability.

  • Because common perception is that men want sex, and women want love, ergo men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.

    So in a situation where a man and woman have sex and then part, the man got what he wanted and the woman didn't, ergo she was used.

    Gender stereotypes and all that.

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  • White knighting, pretty straightforward.

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  • Yeah no, its more along the lines of, she likes ONS, I don't know if I can trust her to be loyal to me. FYI as someone who dated women like that in the past, they are much more likely to cheat. You are correct that typically there is something wrong with them in that they typically have poor impulse control, and despite professing their "undying love" for you, it is virtually certain they will cheat on you. Chances are they did it to other guys as well.

    For the most part Once a lying cheating slut, ALWAYS a lying cheating slut!

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    • Wow that is a strong opinion? So you have never had a ONS?

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    • Meh. I've had my share of one night stands and I've never cheated. Nor do I have "poor impulse control". I just like sex, and for vast portions of my life I was single. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    • Of course not, every woman who sleeps around is "the exception to the rule" and is loyal to their boyfriend with "undying love" for him and only him. No woman like that would ever lie.

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