How to tell my boyfriend to be more assertive?

Sorry about the title it's a bit vague. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and we are so happy together just like the first day we met. Anyhow my boyfriend work for apple and this requires him to do a lot of travel. He has this coworker that is always with him and at first I didn't mind at all but when he comes home and tells me that his coworker tried to kiss him it makes me mad. They both have each others phone numbers and she constanly texts my boyfriend at night asking him to go out with her and have a drink or go to parties with her. My boyfriend is a good guy but he's not an assertive guy. We went to a company party and I saw her and she knows we are happily together but she just won't stop chasing after my boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn't text her back or engage her at all only if it's for work but he also hasn't told her to stop doing all these things. I never told him about how sad I get because I am afraid he'll think I am insecure about myself or that I dont trust him, I just want him to tell her to stop. Also for girls why would another female come and try to steal another women's man away what provokes them?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You should tell him that it's bothering you and making you sad how
    his co-worker is acting with him , i hate to tell you this but unless he
    gets some backbone and tells this woman to lay off or you give her
    a piece of your mind that woman will continue with this behavior
    she shouldn't be texting him and asking him to go out for drinks
    she shouldn't be trying to kiss him he got a girlfriend and it's you
    it sounds like this woman is a fly by night and even though he isn't
    responding back to her request this is bad on you and he should
    be more assertive that i do agree with you but something needs done
    hell if i had a girlfriend and co-working kept after me i would tell her
    I got a girlfriend who i love dearly please leave me alone and do not
    send me your request cause I'm on to you ,

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Most Helpful Girl

  • you have every right to be upset.
    By asking him to put a stop to her advances you are not being insecure, you are just being assertive yourself because it is disrespectful to you.
    She is pushing it and by him not telling her loud and clear that it is not going to happen, he is giving off mixed signals to her.
    Maybe he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but he needs to realize that he is hurting yours, and yours should be more important than some random woman.
    Talk to him and tell him exactly how this makes you feel and what it is you expect him to do about it.

    I had a similar situation with my fiances Ex. she used to text from time to time asking how he's doing and stuff. He was usually just polite and gave a short answer back. So because he didn't cut her off, she assumed it was ok to invite him out for drinks. He asked me what he should write back to make it clear that he was not interested, so I told him to write "thank you but no thank you. I am very happy in my new relationship. take care!" and that was the end of it. She got the message loud and clear.

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What Guys Said 16

  • I would be just like him. I would feel stuck in an awkward no win situation, and just wanting out without upsetting either party. However, i can see why it would bother you, and I believe he will understand too. Just have a calm conversation, thats all you can do.

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  • you're boyfriend is on cloud nine right now.. who wouldn't want two girls chasing after them. besides this apple girl's advances on your boyfriend is making you more attracted to him because he's more in demand. just ignore her. trust me, you will look confident and secure in yourself. your boyfriend isn't validating the other womans advances. she;s nothing to worry about.

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  • It's probably because she's superior to you. What exactly is so special about you that you deserve to date an Apple engineer?

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    • I don't hear a refutation. "She's not better than me. I'm a surgeon."

      Girls are pretty entitled. Shirley you must know that.

    • Nope, I just decided to ignore you. No, I don't work at some fancy company and no I don't think I am better than her. And quite frankly it shouldn't even matter. All I can be is the best me and I am not going to compare myself to anyone and call myself better then them. My boyfriend and I make each other happy, we have the same interest, we dislike the same things, we even have the same allergies. Being better than someone doesn't mean you're right for them.

  • It's work. It's complicated. He has to work with her and doesn't want to turn this into a big issue. If he's not seeing her except when required for work, that's about all you can ask. There are always temptations. You have to trust him.

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  • Because your boyfriend works for google, he is super kind, and seems like a cool guy. You dont find guys like that anymore. So she is thinking, screw you, she is going to take him so. he is all hers. Good luck, just the fact that she works with him puts you at a disadvantage, but in the end i hope you prevail.

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    • haha he works for Apple, but same thing right : ) I am feeling a lot better about the situation really just reading responses and I feel like I can trust my boyfriend to do the right thing he's always been my anchor and I have always been his. I am going to put all my trust into him and at the end of the day I am always going to welcome him home with a kiss and a nice cooked meal on the table.

  • Why dont you talk to her? There will be solutions...

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  • Tell him how you feel. How he chooses to react will be WHO he chooses to keep.

    If you don't teach him how to be assertive now, what will the next few future assertive women teach him?

    Go get em tiger~

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  • Like this

    boyfriend could you be more assertive

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  • Tell that chick to back off your man before you cut her.

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  • I don't know

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  • Paragraphs...

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  • God this is why relationships fail. Women seriously need to stop trying to change the damn man. If he's not assertive there is nothing wrong with that and if you can't accept him for who he is then it might be best if you just leave him alone. The girl clearly knows what she's doing and him not responding to her is a clear enough message unless the other girl is completely retarded so telling her to stop probably won't change all that much.

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  • I think it is perfectly reasonable that she makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell your boyfriend that she makes you feel like that and that he needs to tell the other party that he is in a happy relationship and that what she is doing doesn't feel right to him. Hopefully she will then back off.

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  • Since your bf's co-worker wants to have sex with your boyfriend, they will and probably have already, so the best thing you can do is tell your boyfriend to invite her over. It then becomes up to you, do you want to watch them? Do you want him to watch you two girls (he'll love it), or do you want her to watch the two of you? Then mix it up.

    If you and she don't hold back, it will be the best sex you've ever had.

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  • Ok so the key here is to tell him how you feel, no one can read fucking minds ok? just let him know that you get upset but do not DO NOT yell or berate him at all my ex did this and MAN did i get tired of putting up with that, let him know calmly and sweetly that you feel sad when she does that but do not get mad at him

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  • You don't tell him. You slowly train him to be as assertive as you want using your feminine wiles

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What Girls Said 5

  • Most guys are more than happy to let their girl take the lead, so if you want him to take more of an assertive leadership role in your relationship then don't take the lead so often. Which will force him to take the lead. It may take time but if he's going to do it he will (as in most relationships there is a leader and a follower).

    We learned/discussed this in our premarital counseling, not my idea I'm not that smart yet. Someone else is and deserves the credit for a good idea plus we've only been married a month and a half! = ]

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  • I can relate to this, because no matter how much I loved my boyfriend, I could never shut another guy down. I would never cheat on him, but I could never tell that one guy that flirted with me or asked me to hang out, no. My boyfriend had the same problem, and you can imagine the amount of frustration in a relationship like that.

    Here's the solution. You need to tell him, straight up, to take charge. At first, he might feel awkward about doing it, but later on, he'll be more confident in shutting down any other girl who approaches him in the same way. He also needs to know that you're willing to wipe the floor with a guy who constantly tries to disrespect the sanctity of your relationship, so he should be more than willing to do the same. Don't show the other woman that your threatened by her in any way, because it seems like she's the type to be encouraged by that. However, let your boyfriend know how important it is that he incorporate your relationship and his feelings for you into conversation with this woman. If she hears how dedicated he is to you from him, it'll be discouraging to her.

    The most important thing, is the direct approach. Just tell your boyfriend to bluntly shut her down, one time, and she'll feel too embarrassed of herself to even try again. If he says that he doesn't want to ruin the professional relationship, you can say that that boat has already sunk, and that the other person will eventually get over it.

    The only reason this woman would try to steal your man is because she has negative confidence. In her mind, imagine how much of a confidence boost it would be to, not only get another man's attention, but the attention of a man who's in a loving relationship. Some people just aren't healthy, and aren't wired the same as others. You and your boyfriend blow her off, and she'll no longer have that ego trip which makes her think this is okay. Also, she'll be off your back the second she finds someone else. Sorry if this is a little harsh, but people who meddle with other people's relationships disgust me.

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  • Ask him if it was the other way around what would he want you to do?

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  • WHY in HELL would you want to date someone NO other gals hit on?
    He IS DAMN ASSERTIVE enough to keep her off him & even confess to you everything that happens.
    Be PROUD you are the winner, HIS winner, The One

    otherwise thrown this trophy fish back in that water and go fish for someone no other gal wants

    before you get mad
    THINK about this overnight, OK ;)
    You'll realize you are a winner and this other gal is.. NOT

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  • Just very calmly and honestly tell him how you feel. I understand he doesn't want to piss off someone he has to work with, but there's no reason he can't just politely turn her down. He is taken. That's all the excuse he needs to say "No thanks".
    I can only imagine this girl is secretly insecure and trying to boost her own ego by seeking attention like this. If she persists he might say something to his boss, sexual harassment works both ways, you know? She is being unprofessional and inappropriate.

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