Getting a Girlfriend When You Don’t Have (or Don’t Want) “Game” – can you get a girlfriend without being loud, sarcastic, cocky, "bad" or "cool"?

All the time when I read about how to get a girlfriend, I keep hearing about "game" and about how women see guys without "game" as weak, boring, and only good enough to be friends. I would say I am one of these guys who lacks "game". I'm nice, friendly, and I try to be upbeat when I can - it's not that I'm a suckup, it's that I was raised to be friendly and the Golden Rule makes sense to me - I want to be treated kindly, so I treat others kindly. I can hold a decent conversation about a variety of topics, and I can also be a good listener when someone needs it. I'm not a comedian, but if I see an opportunity to make someone laugh I go for it. I try to encourage and make others feel good because I appreciate it when they do the same for me. I try to think of interesting things to read about, talk about, and get into. I have some hobbies that I am interested in, but not that good at yet.

As you can guess, while I have been able to talk to women I have had no luck getting a girlfriend.

Like I said, I don't have "game", and while I'm not sure what it means, from looking around, it seems to mean being loud, obnoxious, shallow, selfish, unfeeling, rude, distasteful, sarcastic, cynical, bullying, disrespectful, defiant of anything and everything, (self-) destructive, anti-intellectual (except to show superiority), cocky, and hyper-macho. I've never felt a need or desire to act in any of these ways which seem really negative to me - I have always followed my own interests without feeling like reducing everything into a dominance game. I've never felt like I should just have a hostile, aggressive personality without being provoked. I've never felt a need to be "cool" or "bad", being like that has always seemed not only unnecessary but plain dumb, and if I acted like that it would cost me my family, friends, health, my future. Just to be "cool".

I'd like to get girls to see me as boyfriend material, not just a friend. But I don't want to act like that. What can I do?

Updates:
A lot of what "cool" or "bad" people do seems dumb at best, like they are trying to get attention. And at worst, it's just wrong. People who know right from wrong and choose wrong on purpose.

On the other hand, one of the women I've liked described me as "sweet", "shiny", and "sunny" and said I made her feel happy. She'd show interest in talking to me all the time and said she cared for me.

The problem seems to be getting women to feel a "spark" for me. But I don't know how to do that.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • It feels like your outlook on life is too negative and you should change that. It's not true that bad guys get all the women in the world. They just want you to believe that. You seem to be more confident than the average nice guy, so it shouldn't be too hard for you. Just be outgoing and do a lot of stuff, especially on the weekends.

    It helps a lot to have a lot of friends. I'm not talking about 3 dudes standing next to the dance floor on a Saturday night. I'm talking about a diverse group of friends consisting of both men and women with whom you meet up on a regular basis and do stuff. You should also try to be the one who initiates such activities. All this will make you look quite popular and fun to be around. People still remember parties I gave 5 years ago for example. You can be nice and be popular at the same time. Just work on your image.

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    • Ah yeah, and one day during such fun events with your friends a random girl will walk up towards you and think: Wow that guy is amazing, he has so many friends and is really cool. Something like that... was where I was going with this ;)

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    • I see. I'm pretty sure it's possible to find someone online yeah. But to be honest I have zero experience with online dating so I'm afraid I can't help you there. However the first section of that wikihow link I gave is specifically about online/text-based flirting, so maybe you can learn something from it. Personally I wouldn't want a long distance relationship, but I understand that you can't always choose what you get or whom you fall for.

    • Yeah, it's definitely not an ideal situation. But no one around here had what I wanted in terms of looks or personality. With them I'd have been dating just to date, my heart wouldn't have been in it. But these girls that I met online had the looks, the brains, and the personality that made me genuinely interested in talking to them. One of them likes almost everything I like too... she was a really pretty girl and a cool person. They were pretty much exactly the kind of girl I was always hoping to meet.

      I don't know where I'd meet anyone with their combination of traits in real life, since I met them on a common-interest forum but not one that translates easily to a real-life place where I could go to find similar people. Now, things have gotten a little messy. But I tell myself, you never know what could happen.

      Anyway I'm rambling. I'll give that link a good look-over. Thanks again.

What Girls Said 1

  • A lot men assume that when a woman isn't attracted to the more shy, sweet types that it means we want the absolute bipolar opposite. I am here to tell you that such isn't true. There's a lot of other things that go into it that you may not even be recognizing; you could come across awkward, you could come across as a pushover, you could smell funny (not saying you do), you could physically not be what they're into, etc. It's more about finding your weaknesses and working on them as you see fit, and becoming a more appealing person in general. I know, because I was the pushover nice girl that plenty of dudes would have slept with (never did) but never wanted to commit to. As I got more confident and worked on other areas (my appearance, my personality, etc) that changed.

    All I can suggest is taking a long hard look at yourself and maybe request some female feedback to find out where it is you're struggling instead of relying on the age-old: "The cocky asshole gets the girl" idea. Trust me, for any girl that's worth the time, being a cocky or loud isn't going to work.

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What Guys Said 2

  • If u can't make her laugh or can't keep the convos going withouy any awkward silences, than ur basically in the friendzone brotha 👌🏼

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    • See, I've done both of those things though. I'm talking about women that I have both made laugh, and been able to hold conversations with consistently over a long period of time.

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    • Without being loud and cocky? Thats the prob if thats how u come off as. The way u dress, the tone of ur voice and basically how u present urself. Gotta give them cuties a good vibe if u think u have what it takes to proceed onto the next lv 👌🏼

    • Oh, no, I'm not loud and cocky. That's the problem. I'm a decent conversationalist one on one, but I'm not the life of the party. I'm quiet and modest, mostly.

  • sadly i don't see how it is possible without game

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