My boyfriend KISSED his ex girlfriend!! :(

It happened RIGHT before we got together. We've only been official for a little over a week. They kissed less than a month ago.

They were on and off for a couple of months (he keep breaking up with her and getting back with her). But he tried to stay friends with her after. She was throwing a party for one of her friends, and he went (even though he spent the whole day out on a trip with his club!) He literally came back from his trip, changed, and went with one of his best friends. His friend wanted to go home after awhile so he dropped him off, just to come back to hang out with her and her friends -- but the party was over. Now I found out that HE ENDED UP KISSING HER! He wasn't even drunk.

She's known him a lot longer than I have. I only met him a couple of months ago. He never told her about me, so it's not like she came on to him to spite me. He wanted to stay over after the party, but she told him he shouldn't.

Throughout the time I've known him, they've kissed a couple of times. She even came over his place at 3am just to hangout! He even tried to kiss her then, too. I know for a fact they weren't friends with benefits. But one time he went over her place to drink with her and her roommates. And he slept over -- IN HER BED! They didn't do anything, but that was around the time we started talking.

Does he still have feelings for her? Did he settle for me because he couldn't have her?

Updates:
If anyone else has options on this, I welcome them. Although I think I have a pretty good idea on how best to proceed :-/.
Maybe I should mention some of what I know from her: they kept breaking up because he was afraid of long distance (they're hometowns are hours away); she told him she'd never take him back; he started showing interest in her again
she pushed him again; he dated someone else but kept talking to her; he broke up with the other girl; kept wanting to hang out with her (the one I've been talking about I mean); she's mad because he kept kissing her but ended up dating me
she said she wasn't sure she wanted to get back with him because she knows he's insecure and jumps from one girl to the next and that he hates being single; the night of the party he said he wasn't sure what he wanted and that he'd let her decide
(oops I meant to say she pushed him AWAY not again)...they're like one of those couples who never really break up. My friend thinks he'd never officially ask her out because he thinks he hurt her too much so they'd only date if she suggests it.
Thank you everyone for the advice. I talked to him about it. He does have feelings for her. He kept panicking with her because he felt like he didn't deserve her and was afraid he'd end up being her first so he always talked himself out of being with her.
So he'd break up with her, only to miss her. But he won't try to get back together unless she says she wants to. He's afraid of making things worse. And he WAS trying to get her back because talking to me made him miss her. He said he liked me but when I
asked if he'd leave her for me if she wanted him to he said he didn't know. So I said his feelings for her seemed really strong and that it's not fair for him to pine for her while with me. He suggested we end it. I suggested he get back with her. :(

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I think the best thing to do here is talk to him about it, ask him why he still goes over to her place and that you feel like the rebound girl that way cause he might still have feelings for her in your eyes. You not talking about it will make him think that you either don't know about it OR ur okay with it, which both are not true in your case. So make him know that you are concerned and BASED ON what he does next after you have talked to him you can act, if he shows some improvement or changes a little for you (im not saying major change its not expected of him on such short notice) then he's worth keeping around, if he becomes defensive and gives you the "im not doing anything wrong" attitude then I think you should drop it and tell him that unless he changes you don't want to be with him and that you think he's not ready to be in a relationship right now. This will make you both grow in his eyes as a person, and make him understand that you know what is going on and ur view on it. A relationship is the work and efforts of two people not one and unless it stays like this, its not going to work. As "selfishness" has no room in a relationship. Gl, Hope this helped.

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What Guys Said 9

  • "Update: she said she wasn't sure she wanted to get back with him because she knows he's insecure and jumps from one girl to the next and that he hates being single..." For monogamy sake, for me, that's a red flag not to trust him out of your sight.

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  • He definitely has feelings for her. If he wanted to be with you he would respect you and stop hanging out with her / kissing her / sleeping over. You need to bring this fact up and tell him to choose between you or her because it's a waste of your time to get played like that.

    If he says he still wants to be friends with her let him. You have to be able to trust your partner in a relationship. BUT if he screws up once tell him it's over.

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  • Um you can give me the thumbs down or what ever but ill be blunt. quit being a f***ing psycho bitch you weren't even dating him them. He's not going to be with you. and youve added way too many updates. I don't think I could ever date anyone like you

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  • well if he bounces from girl to girl nonstop and keeps going back to her, you're just something to keep him entertained until he can get back with her. I mean, he's already cheated on you and it looks like he'll do it again. Just leave him and do better.

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  • Give it a try while doing your best to remain emotionally detached. For many people, guys and girls, anything goes until you are officially committed. If he hasn't cheated, then give it a try, but like I said, be CAUTIOUS. Hey, being cautious may even make him want you more and see you as less of an easy target. Hard to get works to an extent if done in moderation.

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  • He is one of those guys that has sex with his ex until he finds a new girlfriend to replace her with. He says he isn't sleeping with her. He is.

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    • He didn't say it. She did. She was upset that he kept trying to get with her when he was trying to get with me, which is why I'm upset, too. And then to have him say he was gonna leave it up to her to decide what they were gonna be...if she had said she wanted him back I probably would've gotten ditched.

  • Yes he still have. Sorry to write this but I guess he used you for showing how strong that he is towards to other girl. There can't be any explanation for this.

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  • You're too young. Move on.

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  • who cares.

    it happen right before you got together.

    get over it.

    if he is with you then he is with you.

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    • The timing makes it weird. I would feel differently if my friend hadn't overheard all that stuff about their history. It sounds to me that there's still something there. I guess I'll see how this plays out, but I think it says a lot that he was still trying with her when he was trying with me.

What Girls Said 12

  • How much do you like him?

    Honestly list on a piece of paper what you like and dislike about him. Like his qualities and things he does and how he treats you.

    Then ask yourself if this is a person you really want to be emotionally involved with. Or are you settling?

    If you do care about him, then try talking to him openly about how this whole episode with the ex is making you feel. Let him know that you do not play a sweet little cookie and you don't want to be treated like a fool and that you are quite ready and happy to walk away from him if he does not value you truly.

    You bring up the timing thing quite a lot. This makes me think that perhaps instinctively you feel that it's not the right time for him to be getting into something with you. if he is still confused and you are obviously confused.

    For your own sake, distance yourself from this person and this entire situation for a while. You'll get a much better perspective and I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself and him. I think perhaps you need some kind of time out.

    Hope this helps.

    Been in similar situations and in my experience it's really difficult sometimes, but its best to be selfish and look after yourself. I just switch focus from guys to other things. People, places, activities or I just do what makes me happy. Everything has a funny way of working itself out in the end, if you let it be and try not to let it affect you too much and mess about with your emotions.

    All the best.

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  • Don't let your insecurities ruin a potential relationship. I don't see how a kiss after the break up means much more than a kiss while they were together (in fact, it probably means less). I think a lot of people these days have forgotten the fine art of breaking up. This has lead to break ups being more like interims of being indulgently selfish while pining for that kind of selfless love you once had and acting out (eg. kissing your ex, having one night stands, rebound relationships, or heaven forbid going back to an abusive/neglectful/incompatible partner) because of it (very defeating if you ask me). As humans, we unfortunately have this built in ability to doubt and second guess ourselves as well as others. We always have the option of asking "what if." The truth is, you may or may not be a rebound girl friend for this boy. I would say though that regardless of whether or not he still has feelings for her is not the bigger issue. His feelings for her can be worked through. The bigger question is does he have feelings for you, and I think this is really more what you are trying to ask anyway. Does he like you? Does he like you as much as he liked her? "Did he settle?"

    Be open and talk to him about it. Don't ask him if he still has feelings for her. This is a moot point. I still have feelings for my ex and I am happily married. I can care about my ex without it disrupting my relationship. I think in time your boyfriend can get to that point as well. Ask him what he likes about you. Tell him you want to be a great girl friend. If you are feeling really courageous, tell him that sometimes you feel self-conscious because you are worried he settled for you. Once he has made his stance and told you how he feels when directly confronted with these issues, don't bring them up again. Just trust him. It's hard to trust people when we have been burned before (and every one has been burned before... we aren't perfect... we can't always keep our promises). But do it any way. Part of being in a relationship is taking a leap of faith and trusting in your partner. It's walking that tightrope of love without looking down or hesitating (hesitation on a tightrope may make you fall, even if the tightrope is sturdy and their is a soft landing awaiting you). Walk it and trust that he will be there to catch you if you fall. If you cannot trust that, at least trust that some one will be there to catch you when you fall. Trusting him is the chance you take. The gamble can win you the jackpot, but it won't leave you broke; there will always be some one to catch you when you fall.

    Good luck! Love with reckless abandon, don't give into your insecurities but seek reassurance for issues as they arise if you need to, and trust, trust, trust with every fiber of your being. That is my prescription for you - I hope it helps :)

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  • I am sorry to say this, but in this situation your the rebound girl, which means that whether he has feelings for you or not, he still likes his ex but simply can't have her. Your right. Do the best thing and break up with him, find someone who you know and trust 100%, and don't worry about these kinds of questions because these situations are the ones that can't be brought up in a relationship unless you two weren't meant to be.

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  • i think most definitely he has feelings for her still, but it doesn't mean he doesn't like you. I would suggest talking to him about it straight up,your relationship hasn't even begun fully. tell him how you feel,you think he may have feelings for his ex still and if he does to be honest with you and that maybe it isn't a good time for a relationship cause your not going to give your all to someone who cant. try to be understanding though

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    • I don't even know if it's worth talking about. I feel so betrayed.

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    • I feel betrayed because around the same time he's talking and flirting with me. I feel like he's with me because he couldn't get with her. Just because of the timing.

    • Look it really doesn't matter what he's doing because in the end, you're the one getting hurt. Don't worry about this guy anymore! Find someone else! Why should you be treated this way by a guy your committed to? Be the better person and tell him what's on your mind, break up with him, and don't even bother trying to befriend him. That can come later in the years, but for now you need him out of your life.

  • Update: asked if he'd leave her for me if she wanted him to he said he didn't know. So I said his feelings for her seemed really strong and that it's not fair for him to pine for her while with me. He suggested we end it. I suggested he get back with her. :(

    BINGO! Leave this guy alone. You sound like his "rebound" girl or side chick. You deserve better than to be his #2. Get a guy that's chasing you! Save yourself the mental torture and move forward. Sorry this happened, but your gut is telling you he's preoccupied with his on again off again ex/g/f.

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  • This is just my opinion, he may still have feelings for her but going by the fact he was doing the break-up, make-up thing with her he is either unsure himself or he is playing with her. I don't know what type of guy he is this is just my thoughts on it. as far as the if he is just settling for you part all I have to say is do not ever try to put yourself down by saying that he may just be settling for you. I don't know who you are but I doubt you should be putting yourself doen in that way think positive and consider talking to him about how he really feels about you. I hope I helped at least a little. Good Luck! I HOPE EVRYTHING TURNS OUT WELL FOR YOU.

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  • girl, I'm really sorry to hear that but it sounds like he just wants to make you an option and the

    girl should be the priority. trust me there is a guy out there that will only devote himself to you and only you.

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    • Yea that's how it sounds to me too.

  • I would dump him.

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  • They still like each other.

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  • yeah leave him. he doesn't know what he wants.

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  • break up with him, or alse he'll kiss her again and again and again since it seems like his not over here

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  • you are a rebound. If he has not cheated on you yet he will eventually. Don't stay to find out. Dump him and move on, you deserve to date a guy who's not still hung up on his ex. He slept in her bed but didn't do anything. How do you know? You weren't there. Not trying to be harsh but all the signs are there, you don't wanna be 2nd choice girl

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    • My friend overheard her complaining about him. That's how I know most of this. It's not something he or his friends told me. I just know who she is.

    • If she is complaining about him, at the very least this likely means he is being faithful to you, if that means anything.

    • No she was complaining about the fact that he acted like he wanted to get back with her and that he jumps from one girl to the next. I think he dated someone else after her so she didn't trust his feelings. At the party he said he'd leave it up to her what they were going to be, and she never gave him an answer because she needed time to think. But at the same time he was trying to get back with her he was hitting on me! I think that's so shady!!

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