So my Girlfriend is best mates with her Ex and I can't handle it. What can I do so make myself handle it?

So some background.

We have been dating for a while now and I knew that her best mate was a guy right from the early days, and a bit later on discovered that he was in fact her ex
We have a close reltionship and have talked openly about our pasts, and so I know they were together for about 5 years and she's told me the reason they went from 'together' to friends was that he didn't want to get married and have kids. They did remain friends and do maintain a very close relationship though

They talk or text every day, as she does with her other friends. One of the things I love about her is how close she is to people, and how caring and generous with her time she is
I can't however handle their relationship. I feel threatened by it and I feel jealous of it. I know that she has chosen to be wih me, she loves me and that when she hangs out with her mates, she texts and calls me as much as she does the when it is the other way round. My rational brain can process that

And yet I cannot 'remember this' when she texts him from bed. When she says she is seeing some mates and my first thought is "you mean him". When she mentions something small (and totally innocent) from her / their past. I still get jealous and frustrated and uncomfortable and I know that my reactions / frutration has caused arguements and difficult situations for us

I won't ask her to change relationships beacuse this has no decent outcome. Either she says straight up No (bad), or she says Yes and then becomes resentful of me for asking her to stop talking to her best mate (bad)

Now we approach the point

I love my girlfried completely and I want to spend the rest of my life with her

I am however, terrorfied that I will never be comfortable with their relationship and my miscomfort and frustration with it it will somehow drive us apart, which is something I emphatically to not want

Does anyone have any advice as to how I can begin to become more comfortable with their relationship?

Please help!


Most Helpful Girl

  • Basically tell her everything you wrote here. I understand her, though. I am best friends with my ex too. But we dated looong ago for like 3 months, and then he dumped me because he wanted to drugs and be an alcoholic more then he wanted to be boyfriend. Those were college years and I was also crazy with parties and stuff, all our friends were mutual and it was practically impossible to not see him. I think I never was really in love with him to begin with, he was just really really fun guy with whom I shared so many interests. We hooked up the first time we met and then the other day we made it official that we are in a relationship lol. It was so dumb and I was very inexperienced. When we broke up we both agreed that we were meant to be friends from the start. And now 6 years later, we are still buddies. :) I can't possibly imagine being intimate or romantic with him ever again, and same goes for him. I've been in relationships after him and most of my boyfriends didn't like the idea, but when they met him they realized they have nothing to worry about. He is still stuck in a "college" life, doing alcohol and drugs, though. He had one girlfriend for 2 years and that didn't work out because of his life style. But even if he changes my feelings for him are looong gone. We used to hang out almost everyday when we broke up, like for a year or two, then I got in a serious relationship and a job and I couldn't hang out with anyone that often anymore. Now we see each other rarely like once in 2, 3 months, but I can say that he is still my best guy friend. If my boyfriend had problem with that, I would break up because that tells me that he can't trust me.


Most Helpful Guy

  • If i was in your shoes right now , i would be very fucked up. That's just fucked up dude : . If i knew that my girlfriend was texting her ex even once , I would ask her why , ask for justifications , and it better be a good one , or I would be very mad. I don't like it , in fact i hate it. I don't know what to tell to do honestly cause i'm confused too , but i would probably talk to her about I felt about her texting her ex and i would ask her if she can stop it , cuz i feel unconfortable about that. If she said no , than it's over : Constantly having that feeling everyday about the woman you love , it will become more and more hurtful and eventually will tear you apart from loving her the way you want. That's just my opinion. Now , it's up to you.


What Girls Said 1

  • This is a tough one. But I will try my best to guide you through.. My best friend is also my ex. We didn't date nearly as long as your girlfriend and her ex did but it was still awhile. We have an undeniable connection. I will in no way try to say otherwise. My boyfriend has tried on numerous occasions to stop me from hanging out with him but it never works. My ex and I are best friends. We share so much in common.
    The only way you will be able to somewhat come to terms with this is by simply asking your girlfriend if you all can hang out. Invite over her ex for some drinks or football or cards or whatever people do these days. Befriend him. This way you will feel more comfortable. The reason you will feel more comfortable is because you will then be able to see how their relationship is AND you will be able to share a friendship with him as well, making it less awkward.
    My ex and I split because we were too good of friends. Of course we had sex (which is why my boyfriend hates the idea of us talking) BUT it was more or less a "Hey we are friends and comfortable with each other so we minds well give it a shot" type of thing.
    But that is the only advice I can give you. Just try to make a friendship out of it and see where it goes. It works with some people and doesn't with others. I tried with my boyfriend and my best friend. It actually helped quite a bit, although they don't hang out often.


What Guys Said 1