I'm a young, unmarried, single mom. That has many stereotypes and stigmas attached to it that seem to follow me in the dating world. It is assumed that I am desperate, looking for a meal ticket, trying to shove my child on some guy, easy, and irresponsible.
Honestly, I am actually pretty conservative which is why I am a single mom in the first place. I didn't choose to give up my child. I also am not fond of sex unless it is taken very slowly. I make good money and have a great job for my age. I'm a college graduate pursuing a graduate degree. I am told that I am very pretty. I tell guys from the beginning to go away if they don't intend on entering the lives of both my son and I. I cook well and cook at least once for every man I date.
However, they always end up leaving me because of either some last minute excuse or "I deserve better". I take both of these to be fillers for a real reason. The men then come back usually begging for sex (even if I never had sex with them).
I'm only 23 and considering just stopping and refusing to date and only considering courtship. This may mean I live alone which I prefer over being used. My main question is why am I being used though?
Why did this question blow up with responses? I already to focus on my career and son. I do appreciate the feedback but it won't be needed as I decided not to attempt to navigate the dating field at all.
Being a single mom drives most men around your age away. Single moms have to be committed to her child; thus, the man will never be number one. Secondly, unless you were married before then had a divorce, it is irresponsible to have a child. The guy was a dumb ass for not using a condom, and you should have been on birth control as well. Anyway, I agree with one of answers below; you might have to find a man with a child himself or someone older or is ready for a starter family. It's true about your appearance; if it wasn't for the single mother thing, you would have a lot more offers because you are attractive. To answer your main question, many men assume you will get desperate because of your situation. Thus, they assume that they will be able to take advantage of you.
You are not on the low quality of the dating spectrum. It's just that there is a lot of negative stigma attached to women who are single mothers, which is completely unfair and stereotypical. But I know you have heard them as well. However, you will hopefully find someone who doesn't have such crappy. judgmental opinions.
It's the fact that you're a young mother. Young people are more associated with immaturity, therefore some guys will believe that due to that immaturity you will just use them. Also, they may think you're easy and irresponsible because you have a kid and you're single. Yes, they may be wrong, but until they know the real you they will assume, and in most cases, young single mothers are mothers not because they wanted to be a mother but because of being irresponsible. Also, if you date young men, they may not be ready to settle down and deal with a kid that's not even his.
Their attitude is based on assumptions, and we all know that young single mothers don't tend to be seen positively. Until they know the real you, most men will assume negatively.
Just stay strong for your kid, don't stress too much in dating, put most of your focus on providing for the kid and making her/him happy. The man you need will eventually come.
From the point of view of a single childless man, you aren't available to be a full partner in a new relationship. You are committed to the offspring of your old one and will be for many years to come. Even if you are super responsible and amazing in every way, you are not fully available. Some guys will be ok with this because you are so amazing. Many won't. You are right to take it slowly. Take your time before introducing a new boyfriend to your child. Children become attached easily.
I'm sure that everything you say is true. From what I've seen being a single parent is brutal.. there may be some guys who can accept your kid, although not many. And why should they? First off they will always come in second to your kids, Some can most won't. If the Baby's Daddy is in the picture they really don't want to deal with him, justifiably. And they don't want the constant reminder that you had sex with another man, I know that's hypocritical and ludicrous, but men are funny that way and we really don't want to compete for alone time. Which is critical in a relationship, especially early on. Like it or not kids from another man are viewed as baggage that most of us men don't want to compete with or play second best to. Why should we when there are billion sof women in most any age group without children? I know this is harsh, but it's the reality of the situation. You sound like a good person and I hope that you find happiness. However, what I've said is true. In spades.
There are a few that I have considered dating, even though they had little ones in the picture. While it is true that many women don't want to be with a mother is because they want a fresh start, with a woman to create their own family. Many don't want an "already made" family type scenario, and they feel as if they don't want to raise what another man helped you create as that child to many of these men are a constant reminder of your former lover.
Does that mean that there was wrong doing on your part? Not necessarily. Though many might have a preconceived notion of irresponsible promiscuous behavior, Sometimes it's because the guy you were with before was slow to show his true colors and he turned out to be a douche nozzle that was not worth being with at all. There are many factors and it is something that needs to be looked at on a case by case basis.
"Why am I considered to be a low quality woman on the dating spectrum?"
"I'm a young single mom" "I also am not fond of sex unless it is taken very slowly." "I tell guys from the beginning to go away if they don't intend on entering the lives of both my son and I." (Which completely counters how you say you're not trying to shove your kid on some guy)
A single mom is a Red flag to guys who don't have Kids themselves. Your perfect match will be with a guy who has a kid of his own. A guy with a kid will understand your situation, will love you, support you, care for you, be mature, and be a great fit.
Guy without kids think single moms are dumb ass hoes who constantly make bad decisions in life. Single Mom's are always viewed as a place holder until someone better comes along. Place holders are meant to be used until someone better comes along.
Guys without kids will always look for you a replacement while dating you. They are looking for a younger, prettier, lesser experienced, girl with a tighter pussy, and an open schedule of freedom and fun. They are looking for a girl who makes better decisions.
It's sad but Single moms are viewed as stupid, desperate, party deprived, and easy to bed. You will always be viewed as a place holder until someone childless better comes along.
Noone wants to be responsible for a kid that isn't their's. Also I wouldn't want to have worry about working around a kid with things like going out, having sex, certain schedules etc... it's just to much of a pain in the ass
simple. you're a single mother. for a man with options to seriously date you is to, in essence, accept being a cuckold raising another man's child.
on a less genetic level--a single mother has had a child, will probably never put a man 1st in her life, putting him 2nd at best. a college girl or recent grad is often busy as it is. a single mom can't even go on a date without getting a babysitter.
it's admirable that you have a good job and education and make good money... men don't care. the only guys who will really care about that are freeloading losers. for the majority of men who don't want to be leeches, being a single mom is a way bigger negative than a career/education is a positive.
for any man with options, it just doesn't make sense to choose a single mom, especially at a fairly young age when there are still tons of childless women.