1st date coming up? 34 years old.

OK, I am a late bloomer. I'm 34 and have never had a girlfriend, or been on a date, or flirted, you get the drift.

I have always been overweight, and because of that I lacked confidence to talk to girls. This has changed recently, I have lost a lot of weight and changed my wardrobe and hairstyle.

I went back to college and recently got my degree. In college I received lots of compliments from girls who always thought I was 10 years younger than I am. But, I was terrified to talk to any of them. I was afraid they would not like me if they knew I was 34 and never had a girlfriend, they probably would think me strange and not talk to me.

I am now trying online dating. I feel it's a lot less stressful meeting girls this way. OK, My Question finally: I have my 1st date coming up next week. Should I lie about never being in a relationship, or a date? Should I make up previous relationships if that subject comes up in conversation? If I tell the truth, my date will probably run out on me. She is 25, and no doubt has WAY more experience than I do in my 34 years.


Most Helpful Girl

  • First of all, I wanted to say a huge congratulations to you. It sounds like you have transformed yourself beyond recognition in the last few years - and that takes guts. It's not about the externals here: dieting is hard, but it's a walk in the park when it's compared to the courage and perseverence it takes to grapple with issues surrounding lack of confidence, and to put yourself through college. I can't even put into words how much I admire the effort you have made. You are a very impressive person.

    And being a very impressive person, I don't think you need to be anyone but yourself when you go on a date. I pretty much guarantee that the story of what you have done in terms of transforming your life is more impressive than anything a Lothario could say. You just need to give the girl a bit of context. Don't just say 'This is my first date, ever'... explain that you used to be a really shy person, that you've had to battle with a lot of demons to transform yourself inside and out, and that you've only recently felt ready to start dating women. (You really don't have to be any more specific than that). You can even use your lack of experience as a way of complimenting her: 'I wasn't sure whether I was ready, but when I saw your picture, your beauty just captivated me, but then I read your profile and you seemed so vibrant and exciting as a person, I just had to meet you' etc. etc. This will be much more sweet and convincing than making up a series of fictional exes. (Anyway, on a first date, girls don't want to hear about your past girlfriends - it looks like you're bitter, or not over them!)

    Now I'm going to talk about another issue, which is kind of there in the background of your message, but not mentioned explicitly: namely, sex. I'm guessing that you're pretty worried about your first time - most people are, after all! - and on top of that fear, you are dealing with the fact that you're a little bit older. Let me tell you a bit of a personal story. When my boyfriend and I started sleeping together, I asked him once how many girls he had slept with. He gave me a number that was a bit higher than I expected, and I felt really quite insecure about it. Had he said a lower number, I would actually have felt better! Don't think that girls prefer guys with lots of experience - they don't necessarily. What they DO like (and this is something that tends to come with experience, but is not by any means entirely shackled to it), is a guy who makes them feel special, and pays attention to their desires and needs in bed. Girls love a guy who gives. However your own performance goes, make sure you give her plenty of attention and whether it's your first time or your thousandth, she'll be happy.

    Good luck - and remember, you're impressive just as you are. You don't need to pretend to be anyone else.


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What Girls Said 1

  • Wow good for you. Sometimes the subject does come up of how long ago was your last relationship etc just as talk. So if she asks then I would tell her honestly about things and why and move on to something funny no one needs to know the more private stuff until you decide you want to move to the next step.


What Guys Said 3

  • Congratulations, that is truly a great story. You started a healthy lifestyle and improved your intellect. There is nothing you could have done more right.

    I seldom suggest being less than truthful, but this is different. If the subject comes up, say this: "I don't talk about my past relationships; who wants to talk about an old girlfriend? I don't want to hear about your old boyfriends. The past is the past." That will probably end all discussion of old girlfriends/boyfriends for good. No body wants to talk about exes.

    I'm not advising you to be less than truthful to make yourself look good. I'm advising you to be less than truthful; because, her knowing she is your first date is going to make her feel very awkward. That is the last thing you want.

    Don't concern yourself with the whole "first date" thing. You have a date! That is wonderful. If this were truly the girl of your dreams, even if you had 1,000 girlfriend and you'd been on 10,000 dates, this date, with this girl, "would feel like" the first date you'd ever been on. Just have fun.

    Cross the sex bridge when you come to it. If you come to it on the first date, tell her "it's been a while," and leave it at that. Good luck, and what a great story.

  • I believe Crysis was on the right track, but more than that ...

    When telling her the truth about your non-existent track record, do not - I repeat DO NOT - come off as desperate as it is a major turn-off. You can either play it off as you have had other sights in life up till now or just quickly change the direction of the convo before she delves further into your past (this is only if brought up, but do not try to discuss this).

    OR you might get lucky and your date is in the same predicament!

  • I believe in honesty. Lies are bad, tell her that you've not actually been in a relationship before or just don't bring the subject up.