Guys, why would you respond to an ex while in a committed relationship?

My guy has been getting email from ex he broke up with years ago. He could just ignore them, but he always reply. He tells her little details of his life. Sometimes things she doesn't even ask about. Should I be worried he hasn't mentioned he has a serious girlfriend?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill. Code 5 alert has been issued, report to your stations at once. I repeat, we have an emergency!

    You should be very much worried. Any man serious about his woman is going to tell some other woman that he is in a relationship. Now, from hereon out it's personal taste whether he should add if things are (WAYY) better than with the ex, to add salt to the wounds, but hey, not necessary. Why the hell would he tell about his other shit that she didn't even ask about?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I would be concerned. Why is the ex talking to him in the first place? I realize sometimes people remain friends with ex's, but it sounds like this is someone when hasn't talked to in a while. So why let her back in his life now?

    Generally, if you have no proof of anything foul going on, you should hope and trust in your boyfriend.

    If it were me, I probably wouldn't tell them I was seeing anyone either. Not because I am trying to hide my relationship or get back with them. But just because I'm private and I don't want them knowing details of my life like that. I would be afraid they would try to talk to my boyfriend or girlfriend and mess things up. People can have really ulterior motives sometimes even though they may seem innocent.

    If the conversation started getting flirty, I would then shut it down right away and let them know.

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What Guys Said 28

  • Yes I would be concerned that you were not the first thing he mentioned to her, because this should be the first thing he should tell anyone and be proud about telling them about you aswel. x

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    • Do you think it means he might try to cheat?

    • No but if his intentions are totally innocent, then why are you being kept a secret. I wouldn't say his intentions are to cheat but he's not acting as if he wouldn't want to, x

  • So, I've been with my current girlfriend for about 2.5 years. My ex and I broke up about 3.5 years ago after being together for close to 3 years. At this point I have absolutely no desire for my ex and I to get back together. My relationship now has made me realize how toxic the previous one was. But there are days I still miss my ex like crazy, just the friendship aspect of our relationship. And there are days when I want to have a chance to just scream at her for hours.

    I say all of this because my ex and I were on friendly terms for a while, writing letters (my suggestion because seeing her in my email inbox in the middle of the day could mess me up sometimes) and telling each other about our lives. When I started dating my current girlfriend, I was hesitant to bring it up for a couple of reasons. One was a little malicious: She broke up with me partially due to the fact that our lives were taking us in different directions and she didn't want to deal with that anymore. Part of me wanted to use my letters to remind her of what she was missing out on, and think that it might be rekindled, before I dropped in the details of my relationship. Another reason was more benevolent: She's in a profession that doesn't make it easy to meet potential partners, and I definitely feel like I "won" the break up. Bragging about how much better my love life is seems a little cold-hearted. Finally, I had a feeling that when I did finally tell her about my new girlfriend, it was going to cause her to stop communication. Like I said, I don't want us to get back together, but I do miss having her as a friend, and I wasn't ready for that to end quite yet. It also turned out I was right; as soon as I told her, she stopped writing back.

    I have no idea what your relationship is like, I just say all of this to explain that there are definitely reasons that a guy would do this that have nothing to do with infidelity. The fact that you are snooping through his email, though, makes it sound like you either have reasons not to trust him, or you have some serious issues with trust. Basically, you either trust someone or you don't. If you don't, you should question why. If you do, then you should let them deal with things like this on their own.

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  • I don't understand people when they communicate or do things with an ex. Once you are an ex, I erase you from my life. I wouldn't think too much of it but it should eventually be known soon if they continue to talk.

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  • I always tried to remain friends with ex's. Just always seemed silly to me really to not even do that or try at least. Always thought I could be friends with anyone at least. But either way, I dont always mention im together with someone either unless someone ask, im pretty private by nature so I usally dont share a whole lot unless someone ask. I also think it would just be a bit pointless rude or mean to rub in the happiness you with ur current girlfriend cause to be honest, if you do that and feel the need to do that, you aren't completelty over your ex in that case, cause you care. So I wouldn't be worried anything yet really.

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    • How would mention he has a girlfriend rubbing it in her face? I would think not mentioning is almost leading her on.

  • If an ex of mine suddenly messaged me I would assume of the bat that she's trying to get something out of me. Be it a relationship or something else. So with that in mind, I would tell my girlfriend that my ex just contacted me and that, of course, I have no intentions of taking it anywhere. But none the less I'd still respond just to be civil. But the moment she says anything remotely related to getting back together, I say no and good bye.

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  • I'm just speaking for myself here. For me my ex is just another person. I try to be friends with them if possible (unless the breakup was terrible). Why would I want to ignore someone who I have no issue with. To me that just seems silly. Life can take strange turns. Maybe someday that ex can be someone who helps you out with something.

    That does not mean I am trying to get back with her. I am just being polite. I also see no reason in telling her i am involved when it is not asked or doesn't come up in some way. So personally I don't see the problem. If my girlfriend talked to her ex I would also have no problem with it.

    I do see a problem in someone reading my email without my permission (I saw that you wrote that here). It is a lack of trust an invading someone's privacy.

    The only thing that is important here is that you are with him now. Not her. Do you trust him? If so, then trust him.

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  • Ex is ex. So should remain.

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  • Its bothering you so talk to him about it, it will be the best thing you could ever do.
    Is it right for him to be talking to her, I would say not and it doesn't help that he has not mentioned to her that he is in a relationship. I would honestly sit him down, tell him your concerns and see what he has to say but do not jump to any conclusions before he tells you whats going on, listen to him first and then make up your mind about everything after

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  • I don't see the problem... I try not to burn bridges. If they are just doing a bit of catch up via email it would not bother me. I am not sure I would mention I was dating anyone either... it comes off as unnecessarily defensive, like I think she is hitting on me or something. Now if she asks, or the topic comes up naturally and he says nothing, I would be worried...

    Either way he is letting you read the email, so it is not like he is hiding something.

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    • He stays signed into his email. He doesn't know I read them. He never mentioned her to me either.

    • Oh, so you are spying... well I can tell you that is a BIG line to cross for me, and if I found out, if I did not break up with you then and there, you would be on real thin ice for a while...

      And I would not mention all my exes either right away... though usually they come up naturally after a while, girls don't like knowing that at 23 I already dated a girl for 3 years, lived with her for one, and her and I and both our families thought we were getting married lol- not something to bring up really...

  • Honestly if someone I was in a relationship years ago and we checked up on each other every now and then to see how our lives are it wouldn't be a big deal to me. I wouldn't care if my partner did that either. Not all relationships end in a miserable way because some people just aren't compatible. As long as they realized that, I wouldn't care.

    I know not everyone views it the same way though and that's cool.

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  • It's possible you have reason to be concerned, but tbh, unless one's ex was a complete and total jerk, simply ignoring them is a very rude choice. Things she shouldn't even ask about? That might be a problem. Hasn't mentioned you? Possible reason to worry. But the mere fact that he replies merely means he doesn't want to hurt her more than necessary.

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  • This might actually be a good thing because the good things he says about his relationship with you are cues for her not to be interested in him again.

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    • He never mentioned me.

  • If you're in a serious relationship chances are his ex knows. You need to remember that at one point him and this girl were very close. I've always saw it to be harsh when couples who've dated in long intervals just cut communication forever. Talk to him! Communicating doesn't mean he still loves this girl! Jealousy will rip the relationship apart if you don't talk to him about what makes you hurt. If he loves you like he says he does your relationship will end up okay. Give him the benefit of the doubt!

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  • I had a girlfriend who got mad at me for responding to an ex informing me she had cancer. Honestly, if you're that jealous, either you're insecure, or you don't trust him enough. Either that's a him problem, or a you problem, but likely a you problem if he has given you no reason to doubt that he values honesty and loyalty.

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  • Are you reading all his emails? Is he trying to hide this? Here is my take on the situation, I still talk to 3 of my exs. If you were in a relationship for more than 12 months, you've also become friends with them. I don't talk to them a lot, maybe once a month or so. Just to catch up on family and mutual friends, I have no desire to initiate anything, it's just a friendship. Now, if he was meeting for lunch or a beer, that'd be crossing the line. You should ask him about it, that's your right.

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  • You act like he can't be friends with her.

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  • I don't respond to my ex period. Once it's over, she's out of my life for good.

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  • My experiences with women who did the same replying to their exs... Not good at all they ended up cheating with that ex behind my back... My rule now if the person I'm dating still has an ex in the picture I dump them and move on.

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  • depends on what she wants. i don´t think normal chatting would hurt a healthy relationship.

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    • Why wouldn't he mention anything about being in a relationship?

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    • They broke up years ago. I don't know why she's suddenly reaching out to him.

    • yeah i don´t know either. but the point is: he´s with you now. if you trust him, then texting an ex is not a problem. if you don´t, then why are you together?

  • ... because just because we aren't dating anymore doesn't mean they are no longer a person

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  • Yeah you are supposed to be concerned!

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  • Cause i respond to every one but I hope everything is ok with you and him

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  • Do you trust him? Yes? Dont worry! No? Then worry! But if you dont trust him, there is bigger relationship problems you need to look into.

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  • I'd say it's safe to be worried, but at the same time don't worry too much. Just talk to him about it, many people are still friendly towards exes.

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  • My only reply would be ''Leave me alone''.

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  • We don't burn bridges without SERIOUS cause. Like "she tried to cut my dick off" cause. Nobody wants to be without "friends" should the relationship sour.

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    • They didn't have a healthy relationship. It ended badly.

    • Irrelevant. She's always good as a f*ck buddy should the relationship sour.

  • Yea, maybe he has no serious girlfriend but he has a serious ex girlfriend, u get that?

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  • Yes you should!!!

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What Girls Said 13

  • It could be that he's just trying to be polite and friendly. If he told you that he's in contact with her I don't think there's much reason to worry but if he didn't there might be. My boyfriend tries to stay polite to his ex when she occasionally contacts him because he doesn't want to piss her off just in case she decides to be vindictive.

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  • Yeah, he's a bitch. I almost ended a fling with a guy because he was talking to his ex. We talked it out and all is... okay, but I wasn't okay with what he did and I let him know that. You need to tell him to stop. That's just rude and disrespectful to your relationship. I would have dumped his ass by now, but I'm a different kind of person, lol.

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  • I would tell him to back off!

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  • He's open to cheating with her.

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  • the thing is that you're just used to talking to your ex... but it doesn't mean that he/she wants to get back with him/her... it's just a habit & sometimes it's just comfortable... but if it really bothers you, you should talk it out with him.

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  • i think you should
    first thing, he should have told her is that he has a girlfriend , since he always reply her

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  • I don't think that he needs to respond to her like, past is past bruh.

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  • No I would not.

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  • That would be a dealbreaker for me. People who keep in touch with exes were either never in love or they still are. Personally, i would end the relationship. I have boundaries and if anyone crosses them, i cut all ties.

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  • I think it would be weird only if they weren't together long. To flat-out tell an ex that you're in a new relationship would be sort of weird in my opinion. You aren't really talking about that and it does kind of seem like an "in your face" comment unless it's asked about. Now, if his ex is saying anything inappropriate to him and your boyfriend isn't bringing you up - that's a problem.

    I don't know how you know what his e-mails say but what I always tell friends who are going through their own issues with their significant others is to just let things play out however they will. Make sure you live your life in accordance with your own values and how you want to be and if he cheats or fails to live up to his half of the bargain - let it be. You can get upset/angry at him for emailing so he may stop for a while but if he's going to cheat he will at some point. You getting mad will simply put the cheating off til a later date.

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  • Either because they're immature and selfish and only care about getting atention from women, either because they're not over their ex and unfairly string you along.

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  • Yeah you should be worry ask him why is he replying her does he has feeling yet for her. (My English probably is bad cause i'm not from USA or UK

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  • So a few things.

    1. She could just be curious to know how he's doing
    2. How do you know she doesn't have a boyfriend?
    3. Worth something bringing up if you're nervous about. He should only respect that if you approach the subject in a non-pressuring way

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