Why can't I find a man who wants me for more than just sex?


I am independent money wise , take care of my kids, never am rude , always take care of my appearence. I am friendly and easy going. i have lost 65 pounds in the past year. i just dont understand !


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Um it might not be helping that your profile says married. I guess you still are but separated.
    I think it's amazing you have done all these things. Independent and look after your children. Some men would find that intimidating. Iam sure the right guy can't be far away. You have worked hard for what you have and are. I suspect you have high demands because you've been through a lot so don't want to be messed about anymore.
    This could be turning a few guys away.
    Good luck keep trying

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What Guys Said 39

  • The reality is that for most men, virtually any woman who doesn't have kids is going to be more attractive than any woman who does. Typically, even men who have kids of their own but are single/divorced don't have full custody of their kids, so he'll have the ability to date or hang out during the week or whatever without being encumbered by kids. Whereas, a mom with kids is virtually never really free. No weekend getaways, no mid-week romantic dinners, etc.

    Women without kids also have no baby-daddy drama - another issue that comes with many moms.

    Finally, a whole lot of men simply don't want an "instant family" - they want to date a woman who is SINGLE, who he can be a COUPLE with, and do ADULT activities. If she is a mom, it means that so much of what the man and woman will do together will be "family-oriented" by necessity.

    Yes, that sucks for single parents, but it also isn't going to change, so you'll have to adjust to that reality. You probably need to date men with kids of a similar age, who are already in "parent mode" and who will be able to relate to you better. And you need to be 100% up-front and blunt about what you are looking for and what your priorities are with them. Put your rules and expectations out there, and expect most men to run away, and BE OKAY with that, because the few who stay will be the ones who are better fits for you anyway - they'll accept the situation and be okay with it.

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    • Unfortunately, you're right. Although - I did marry a woman who was a single parent. It was a bit of a buzzkill when I found out she had a kid... but then I thought... "WTF am I thinking this girl is wonderful!"

      30 years later - I have a stepdaughter that I helped raise and she's grown into a wonderful woman - and I love her as much as love my two biological kids.

      There was no "baby daddy" drama - if there had been - I'd have killed him rather than deal with the bullshit.

    • @Thor696 No doubt, there are a few good men who are willing to raise other men's children and sacrifice their "couple" time for family time - but they're definitely the exception, not the rule. And it's unrealistic to expect most single, especially childless men to want to date a woman who has kids, especially if he can attract women who don't have them.

    • @MrOracle, POVs never fail to impress us

  • Sorry to inform you but it is the fact that you are a single mother.

    I will give you some insight into the male brain.

    When we see women, we see an opportunity for sex. Each women has its own challenge and some are easy to get in bed, while others are difficult. To men, an attractive, rich, confident woman is very hard to get in bed because we think she can have any man she wants.

    On the other hand, unattractive, low confidence, poor women are easy to get - especially if they become dependent on what the guy has like money or if they are slick with words and feed compliments to the girl to make her confidence high.

    Many men scan a woman for these insecurities, whether they are real or perceived. For yourself, you are a single mother. The knee-jerk reaction of a man is that you're poor and need to find someone to help you pull your life together. That's not to say this is true in your case, but it's the image that men will form in their brain. When they think this, they will see you as more willing or even desperate to try and attract a guy to stick around. Men won't need to try very hard with single mothers, because they know that the woman has a lot invested in the relationship and is trying to make things work to improve her and her kid's life. Unfortunately, the guy isn't actually around for you. He is around for free sex because the woman is often willing to give it. He will also have little interest in taking care of a biologically unrelated child from another relationship.

    My advice to people in your situation is to stop looking for now and focus on raising your child. You will have to weed through hundreds of guys looking only for sex, in order to find someone who's willing to stay with you for the long-run and help raise your kid. Frankly, this brings a very unhealthy living environment to your child, if a new man appears in your kids life every few months. Along the way, you will be repeatedly hurt, and this may have unintended psychological effects on the kid and their issues with trust.

    However, what I've said is a very general blanket solution. Without knowing the specifics of your situation, I could very well be wrong.

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    • MHO, sad but it's true

    • @26ukdude

      Yeah. It's not that ALL men are such douchebags.
      It is that single moms will tend to only attract the douchebags looking for sex, regardless of where/whom that sex comes from.

      The good men who are looking for a relationship instead of just sex, will never consider a relationship with a single mother. So the good men are around, but they'll never chase. So from the point of view of the single mom, it seems that ALL MEN are just looking for sex. In fact, it is that ALL MEN WHO APPROACH HER are just looking for sex.

    • I myself have been guilty of this in the past, when the desire for sex is greater than the moral and ethical reasoning of not using a woman in this way, and this is the result. Or even persuing woman without children who are no older than me but very unattractive... ones that id never have considered a relationship with. My thoughts back then were that if it leads to sex then great, the guy doesn't want anymore, after he's had it once, twice maybe a few times, he will find a reson to stop seeing her.

      And I apologize for this, because 10-15 years ago I was like this...
      Thankfully I have matured and if I see no relationship potential after one or two dates I will be honest and call it off.

  • You have kids, that's all it takes to go from a 10 to a 1 in the relationship market.

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  • You only find men who just want sex attractive.

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  • I don't know you so I am just going to name some things that I see of women I know personally. So some or maybe all don't apply to you.

    * Not approaching guys or asking them out.
    * Too early expecting the guy to commit instead of letting the relationship grow.
    * Letting all the good guys go and choosing a dirt bag
    * Trying to pick a guy apart and finding things that are not perfect about him.
    * Unrealistic expectations
    * Trying to trap a guy
    * Playing games
    * Assuming the guy to be like this or that and not giving it a chance to really get to know him (all based on one little thing)
    * Trying to change a man
    * Not understanding that men (30+) have been through a lot of drama with ex girlfriends/wives and are not to keen on committing again. Unless you give them time.
    * Not getting themselves in situations where they can meet men in an organic way. Instead they have girlfriends who set them up with guys and it makes the situation to forced in my opinion.
    * Not understanding men at all.
    * Thinking that men want to get married and have children just as bad as they want. (some do and some don't but the ones that do don't necessarily make good husbands/father and the ones that don't don't necessarily make bad husbands/fathers)
    * NOt understanding that where women need to time before having sex, men need time before getting in a relationship.

    These are real life examples. I hope some of these are useful to you.

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  • Because you are married?

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  • Other than the fact that kids are a major issue... it's not JUST the kids themselves. Today more and more men are being hit up for Child support for kids that are not even theirs and even BEFORE getting married. That's right, a man can be taken to court AND FORCED to pay child support without a bullshit legal contract of marriage.. all because he was "in place of the father and the kids came to view him as such". So judges are actually forcing men to pay for a gf's kids even though they're not his!! While this is not common, it IS something else that men hear that only further pushes even good men that wouldn't mind the kids, away that much more.

    Also, a man has two basic kinds of girls he dates, though he just wants to bang and those he want's to bang and marry.. and the first criteria to that is how hot she is to him. That doesn't mean you have to be porn star hot, though it helps of course, but it all depends on running into the right guy for whom YOU are "porn star hot".

    After that, it's how you act and behave that determines whether or not you KEEP him or not. I always tell women, you're looks will snag him, but you're personality, attitude and being a Non nagging, non pain in the ass, non whiny or complaining and down to earth is what will KEEP him... or not.

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    • LoveGuru777, under common law a man can avoid paying child support for another women's children. He just has to know how to beat the system under common law.

  • You might be meeting the wrong ones :/

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  • well you're in you're thirties and you have kids. what else do you expect.

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  • You just have not found the right guy or you have to change your qualities that you look for.

    I would stay away from guys that shirk their own responsibilities when it comes to their children.

    If he has kids and does not have them 50% of the time then he is not a dad!

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  • Men just want sex. Especially young ones. You think they spend that money on you and dress up just for stimulating conversation. We're not being pigs about it. It's a biological function that demands to be satisfied all the time. We're just pretensious animals who think were above natural instincts. If you like a guy make him wait and do something thats been consigned to the chapters of history. Court you. You'll sleep together eventually and maybe love and the things you want will come in time. Your grandparents waited when they were younger and got to know each other first and look. How many of them end up married for the rest of their lives and happy? A helluva a lot more than today.

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  • It depends where and how you are searching as to what you will find.

    Do you look for certain qualities that identify decent people?
    Do you avoid people who seem selfish?

    Things like that.

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  • I was married for 28 years, and while I'm trying to "get back out there", the simple truth is, as I've been able to figure it out, love is hard to find, and after a long marriage you might feel you'll never find it. So, as a guy, you settle for finding sex and enjoying being with someone. If love comes, great! But in the meantime, as least you can enjoy time with someone, enjoy sex with them, and see where it goes.

    I know a lot of women feel you can't (or shouldn't) have sex without a commitment, but guys simply don't see it that way. Sex until love is fine with most guys. But that doesn't mean they want you ONLY for sex. Speaking only for myself, I really can enjoy sex with someone I like. I don't have to be in love with them.

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  • You're probably looking in the wrong places.

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  • kids would automatically disqualify you for me (i know, honest hurts. i'm ready for my lining squad, and no, i don't have kids.)

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  • You are an attractive prospect for men who just want to have sex, and not so much who want a relationship. You need to stop trying to find a man, let love find you...

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  • You're independent and with children. Thats why. You will hardly find a man who would want something more from you.

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  • "take care of my kids"- that says it all

    "i have lost 65 pounds in the past year"- this was over kill because that means you are still probably very big if you needed to lose that much weight.

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    • I lost that much weight because of stress ! I am not a whale or even close ! I didn't purposely even lose weight as soon as I got my divorce it just went away.

  • If it were me, it would be because of the kids. I'm not interested in entering into a relationship with a woman with children. To do so would be to skip over a major part of my sexual development.

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  • Very good question similar to one who asked me on my show too. Solution is be selfish project you're self image that you are better off then anyone else. This will create positivity in you first

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  • Not just men, most people see each other as sex opportunities. In your situation, it seems like kids are the dealbreaker.

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  • High standards. Forget about hot guys.

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  • because you're a single mother. sorry but it is a real factor and to a mans shoes, its high risk and more work,

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  • You're profile says you're married. Pretty sure he married you for more than just sex

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    • Well I am not married anymore I have changed it every time I am on here!!! I am happily divorced and I would prefer to not bring him up

    • I'm very sorry. I really am. I just went by what that said. I'm sorry I was wrong.
      Then to answer your question... it may not be you, just the typed guys you might be after. I do t know. I don't know you so I really can't say.
      But most single guys out there just want sex, as I'm sure you've figured out

    • It's okay my profile just wouldn't update , it was rather frustrating!

  • try I guess you'll get very soon

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  • Uhhh sex is a must bottom line

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  • You find the good person as soon as possible.

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    • Many guys were afraid of commitment. Many of them do not have boldness to brought up the kids & to take of family.

  • Anything more? That's not enough

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  • Pray. Amen

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  • because you have kids... most guys can't take a girl with another guy's kids seriously

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 16

  • Hate to say it Hun, kids are a deal breaker for a lot of guys. I only have one little mini-me and my current "casual", although patient with the fact that my son comes first, is not comfortable being around him. It's really frustrating, because once my son is in bed for the night... I have unlimited time for nocturnal activities

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    • The kid thing suprises me , most men my age have kids and my kids are able to be home alone. And I don't let a man around them unless its serious.

    • lol in these situations i just come over when the kids are asleep and i sneak through the back door.

  • there's definitely a good man out there. Just be patient, and you can't expect him to come to you, you have to put in the effort as well, but sex is an act you do with a person you love, so if he wants it at one point its normal, if he wants it too early in the relationship, i'd be a little tipsy, but most of the time its not the only thing they want but I agree with you sometimes I feel men are way too sexual and only want me for my body, I sometimes feel uncomfortable around other guys.

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  • Because you haven't realized that just because someone is interested in you, doesn't mean they value you.

    YOU set the stage for how you are treated, by what you allow and what you don't. Stop allowing men to sleep with you if they aren't interested in a long term relationship with you. Stop hanging out with boys, and start hanging out with men.

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  • Try searching for a different kind of man than you usually go for. Don't sleep with them soon into a relationship, make them take you out a few times and show that they are interested in you more than into what's down your pants. Maybe also change where you meet men?

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  • Stop giving it away and find someone who's worth your time. Just my advise.

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    • What makes you assume she's giving it away? Grow up

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    • you were definitely referring to sex as to answer her question which is about sex. you must be stupid if you werent. either way, you lose.

    • You wanna know who's stupid? All you assholes assuming you know what was running through my brain.

  • u can, trust me. just look really hard. and be patient <3

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    • she has to find the bottom 20 percnet of men. 30s kids... and not like she looks like a model...

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    • listen. you complained to me once saying you were constantly repsectful when i came off rough a while back. lol all you want all defensive. just being honest and there's no tension on mys side to be fake laughin.

    • so stop responding and fuck off thanks.

  • Same with me. Haven't found a single guy who wants me for me and not my body. It's frustrating, yet I get with them anyway.

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  • I am not sure!

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  • maybe your just looking in the wrong places?

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  • I have one word for you: AIDS. Don't have sex with people just because they want to.

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  • How long have you been out there on the dating scene and how many men have used you for sex? If it's one or two I would cough it up to bad luck and tell you to be patient. If it's more you might need to look at whether you're consistently ignoring warning signs that these guys are only looking for sex.

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  • It just depends what type of guys you go for?

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  • I have the same problem. It's just sex or nothing. I have been single for about 5 years now and I am pretty ready to just give up. I don't want to just have sex with anyone.

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    • I actually think girls always assume I'm just another guy who wants to fuck them which is why I get shot down when really I'm yearning for a girl who will open herself up to me and also ask questions about me in return. Problem is I go on dates and such and girls never open up. They don't elaborate in their answers to give me more to go off of to help me carry the conversation.

    • @red324, because she is not into you or nervous. Girls who are enthusiastic like to hang out with you, will elaborate their answers. Remember, women are naturally social bonders. THEY LIKE TO TALK

  • I dont even understand why men would want you for sex.

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  • Your past your sell by date and you have kids honey sorry to be so brutal. Your bound to have noticed the difference in the quality of the guys that were after you in your youth and the guys that want you now. I suggest you face facts and lower the bar.

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  • If you're just now getting in shape and putting yourself out there, it may be that you haven't given it enough time. Most guys in our age range have kids and may be recently divorced and are trying to "get their groove back" by playing the field a while, so to speak. So a) it's not as easy to meet people as when everyone was milling around in their teens and early 20s and b) timing does matter for individual guys. Keep trying new events and places to meet people.

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