Are my standards for men too high?

Ok I seem to have some challenges finding guys I like to date. So here are my "standards":

1) Intelligent, witty, and knows a variety of topics (I'm not interested in people who only talk about TV or movies or celebrities or parties). He has to be fast and I like smart come-back lines. At least college-graduate
2) Is knowledgeable and passionate about his career (and yes, must have a successful career that has great growth potential, or an ambitious entrepreneur)
3) makes at least as much as I do, but of course I prefer people better off than I am
4) appearnace: height- i prefer 6 but really, at least 5"10. has to dress smart and I have to find him somehow attractive
5) exercises and be at least fit (doesn't have to e super toned or buff, but fit, yes)
6) has great travelling experience and knows his stuffs (be it food, wine, whatever hobbies)
7) kind and has generosity of spirit
8) not clingy and responsible

I don't think I'm asking too much as I myself am:
- intelligent (I am working on my PhD), smart (when it comes to work and in social situations), resourceful
- I'm self-employed, make over 200K and am from a good family
- I'm 5"7 and I'm about size 4. I should be attractive (people look at me a lot when I go out and I do get people, strangers or people I just meet alike, asking me out a lot). I am fashionable as I care about styles and outfits
- i've traveled extensively and am quite particular with the things I like
- I'm independent and do not like to take advantage of people

And even I do meet guys, they seem to either back off (whether not interested or intimidated) or to develop way too much respect for me. I don't know and I'm a little frustrated with this. Are my standards too high or maybe there's something I can do to change this pattern?


0|0
13|40

Most Helpful Guy

  • There are guys who are over 6', make over 200k, and are also in good shape. Obviously there are smart guys as well, with varied interests.

    Something like 1% of men in the u. s. probably make your income cutoff, and they'd be skewed go guys over 40, so guys in their 30's, we will generously assume 1% of them make 200k+. Most of those guys are pretty bright (not all, but most). Lets assume half of them aren't socially awkward: they're reasonably witty and quick as well as being smart. So we're at half a %. At least half of those are likely under 5'11. Probably 2/3 don't work out. We're down to.1%. I considered how many of them are single.

    Now lets get to your next problem. Tons and tons of women want these guys. It's not like the average woman making 50k is thinking 'oh i don't want a guy who earns 200k+'. Most women like tall guys, most women like funny guys, most women like guys who earn a lot. And in general, these guys don't have quite the same requirements you do. The reality is, you may be looking for a guy who is similar to you, and that seems fair. The unfortunate reality is that a lot of the qualities you have, boost a man's value in the dating market MUCH MORE than a woman's. While some guys who earn a lot want a woman who earns a lot, tons of them are happy to marry nurses, teachers, whatever, as long as she is reasonably bright, sweet and can fit in to their social group (and i'm talking for marriage, for dating, they don't even care about that part much).

    You always have the chance of finding someone you just match with, but you're aiming for guys who are the absolute top of the dating market. Your competiion for these small groups of men is staggering.

    I don't honestly know any guy who meets your standards. I know one guy who was on track to (and might mean them by now). He was hired for an ibanking rotation, if he's still there he may have cracked 200k by now. Over 6', worked out, not obsessively, had travelled, varied interests, funny. Even when he was earning 80-100k, he was getting women who were bright professionals and '8 or 9's lookwise throwing themselves at him for nsa sex.

    It's unfortunately a common 'trap' - high income women want similarly high income men. A significant number of those high income men happily date or marry beatiful, lower income women, leaving the rest of the guys to be fought over by the remaining high income women who aren't interested in dating down.

    1|4
    0|0

Most Helpful Girl

  • Well you sound a little intimidating to be honest. Not with the way you are but how you feel about it. Guys like successful women but they may not like it when they put themselves up higher than they are. Now I'm never one for lowering standards but it is a little far fetched. There a lot of great guys that you may not date because you didn't give them a chance. Not everything's about how successful they are or whether they make as much as you. I guess the point I'm making is be careful not to miss someone amazing because you can't see beyond the shallow things.

    0|1
    0|0

What Guys Said 39

  • Hmm. Check, check, check and check!! ;-)

    Its hard to tell. You might have a bad/bitchy personality or you might be ugly as sin with a good body. Its hard to tell from the internet.

    Finding a guy over 200k is going to morre of a stretch depending on the city as the average pay across all guys is well below that so you are really cutting the field short. Guys that make more coin than you aren't as interested in the coin you make and would trade for a girl much hotter that makes less $$. You'd be better off going for the really good looking guy looking for a girl to carry the load. You'll find more of them.

    Your standards are high and in line with your status but don't be upset that you cut down the playing field by 95% and the 5% you are after is being chased by 80% of girls. Do you see the issue here? Its not impossible but the odds are long.

    4|5
    0|0
    • Exactly. She's trying to go for the creme de la creme of men who literally have their pick of whatever woman they want, and those men usually don't care about how many degrees a woman has, or how much money she makes

  • Well, you can find statistics for some of those qualities, such as height and educational qualifications. These stats will help you to figure out whether your standards are too high or not.

    As for your own qualities, I think that you need to try to understand men better. Your income is irrelevant. Your educational qualifications are irrelevant (though your intelligence and knowledge are relevant). Your family is irrelevant (as long as it's not going to cause your man trouble). Your being fashionable is irrelevant (what's fashionable for women, as determined by women and gay men, is often at odds with what straight men find aesthetically pleasing).

    1|4
    0|0
    • It seems like she wants a socialite guy for polite, respectable society; to impress the parents.

  • You're an alpha female, looking for a 10. Problem is, most of the guys you are looking for are looking for something else.

    2|6
    0|0
  • Are your standards too high? Shit woman, they're stratospheric.

    You want a guy over 6'. Fine, that leaves you with 25% of the male population.

    You want a guy who makes the same as you or more, which incidentally is 200k annually. 95% of all households in the states don't make that much let alone just guys. But fine. 200k it is.

    That means that you're narrowing down your pool of eligible guys based on just 2 of your 7 criteria to 1% of the male population. Throw in the other 5, deduct those that are already taken, and your pool is a small fraction of a percentile.

    Soooo the probability is working against you really hard. Better stock up on them cats.

    1|3
    0|0
  • Hmm, if you have all those requirements, without a willingness to compromise in any regard (basically you describe a 'complete human being', in modern materialistic notions of what is righteous), wouldn't that indicate judgmentalness on your part? You're also (and I think this is partly problem of the paradigm that we live in, as I alluded to), trying to mentally extricate a list, check-boxes if you like, which may blind you to actually seeing people as they are, and their hidden qualities. Not to mention all those other intangibles such as chemistry, capacity for love, warmth, the way they simply make you feel. Where did you get this notion of that the only worthwhile partner is one that is a 'great success', to quote Borat - I don't want a reactionary response to this, it's more a rhetorical question for quiet pondering.

    So if you have preconceived notions that come from your self, the world does not necessarily have to bend to it, and provide it you. In dating, some times there is too much thinking, without actually enjoying the process. But ultimately, to each their own. You're certainly entitled to desire and pursue what you think is right.

    Also, I have to ask, are you really so flawless? :)

    0|1
    0|0
  • Everything below assumes you are what you say you are, because if you're even slightly exaggerating your self description, then yeah your standards are delusionally high.

    Anyway, if you are what you say you are, then the problem isn't that your standards are too high, but rather too strict? You drill down the details to career path and dress sense, and yeah, these might be important when filtering for ordinary guys, but they don't make any sense if you're seeking someone extraordinary. What if a guy fits all of your criteria, except he founded a startup in his early 20's, got IPO listed and financially retired at 29, and chooses a lifestyle where he doesn't ever wear anything other than board shorts and t shirts?

    What about a guy on the other end of the spectrum? Half a dozen degrees, travelled the world, speaks 4-5 languages, self made millionaire by his mid 20s, but got burnt by the GFC, and is taking a little longer but definite path towards rebuilding his wealth?

    Then there are those guys who fit all of your listed criteria, but because they fought so hard to get to where they are at in life, they have trained themselves to be workaholics and don't have much time left over for you?

    I guess what I'm saying is, don't adhere too hard and fast to your criterias. You are seeking the extraordinary. That's great, but let life sort out the details. If you are too strict about what you know you want, you squeeze out the opportunity for life to show you new things that not only you didn't know you wanted, but you didn't know you needed.

    Good luck.

    1|1
    0|0
  • Go with what you want just don't complain when you're reaching your 30s and crying about not being fertilized by a man yet

    0|6
    1|0
  • It seems like they are but that's your decision ultimately. But really, the more people you exclude the more experiences you deprive yourself of so it goes both ways. From a guy's perspective, you'd better be damn impressive to get someone's attention with all the attributes and accolades you want. Also, a girl who has a list of requirements that a guy needs to fulfill is a very unattractive quality so I wouldn't go around advertising you have this list. You listed a lot more information about what you require than what you have to offer so that also arouses suspicion. If you really want to change then try to have a more open mind about what you want in a guy. Maybe he hits half of your requirements and you'll decide that is good enough. Honestly, if you're waiting for a guy that hits all of these things, you're going to be alone for a very long time if not forever.

    0|2
    0|0
  • The higher you set the bar, the harder it is for someone to reach that standard. Not only that, but men have their standards as well. You can go after what you want, but even if you find an eligible bachelor who meets your standards, you might not meet his standards. Your just reducing your odds of finding someone is all.

    If I say these are the things I want in a woman:
    1) Pretty, must have what I consider a flawless face
    2) Must earn at least 60k a year
    3) Must be fit, with an hourglass shape. No abs, flat stomach, medium sized booty.
    4) Must not be taller than 5'6
    5) Must be sweet and outgoing.
    6) Good personality, not argumentative

    You know the more particular you get, the harder it is for a woman to meet those standards. Not only that, but I'm not exactly Mr. Perfect myself. So how can I demand a woman with a flawless face and body, when I don't exactly possess that myself? I just think your not being realistic in your expectations. Obviously you should have standards, but yours are way too high.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Do I think your standards are too high? No. Do I think you will find a man like that? Most likely not.

    How many men do you realistically think fit all of your exact criterias? Probably like one in a thousand, and even if you manage to find a guy like that they will most likely be taken, also there is no guarantee they happen to be looking for a woman like you, maybe they have different standards that you dont fit. And even if the stars allign and you find a guy like that who is single, and you fit their standards its completely possible that the spark just isn't there or your personalities dont match.

    I think it would help you a lot if youd change your standards from absolute, to being fine as long as they suit most of them.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Wait, you're making all sorts of money and coming to GaG for advice?

    Makes sense.

    2|3
    0|0
  • It's a good thing to know what you want... I used to be like you, and had a whole list of things I looked for in a partner. Ultimately, I found that there were few women who fit the bill.

    Eventually I started dating for the fun of it. I asked out as many women as possible, and went on as many dates as possible. I wasn't looking for sex, I was just looking to have a good, social time.
    About a year into this dating method, I found a woman who was almost the exact opposite of what I was looking for. I found the differences in upbringings, and lifestyle made for interesting conversation, and an sense of excitement.

    I have been with her for almost 9 years now. She is my wife, and while I find her quirky, messy, and a bit annoying at times... She is also my best friend and I couldn't see myself without her. 9 years into it, and the conversations are better, and the excitement never ends.

    1|1
    0|0
  • Well having high standards are fine, the only thing is it will limit your chances and you may tend to remain single for a long time. I think your standards are fine and yes you seem to be proud of it, way to go young lady!

    0|0
    0|0
  • As long as she believes in Jesus and has a decent figure, I'm good. The whole attraction thing is obviously a must.

    As for YOU, it's not that your standards are too high, it's that you think to much about it. Oh and 200k a year is quite a lot to make so dont expect any guy your attracted to, to make that or anywhere near it, LOL!!! I don't even think about money.

    0|1
    0|0
  • You have put yourself on a pedestal and are wondering why nobody feels they meet your exacting standards. That's your answer.

    0|2
    0|0
  • Good luck with this, I'd damn near marry this guy haha.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Good luck..
    Those who are more successful are probably into dumb hot girls.
    Those who aren't will probably NOT be in shape.

    There's always a median. You can't have it all.

    0|1
    0|1
  • While it is not impossible, you are cutting out guys between 5'7" and 5'10" on a fairly arbitrary basis, and I think for 6) you had to come from a VERY rich family.

    So, good luck with that.

    1|0
    1|0
  • I don't think so. You only have one life, live it right with the right person.

    2|0
    0|0
  • Do not know how to cook? Awwww, you didn't mention it.
    Good luck to you, 5% of men on earth is waiting for you

    0|0
    0|0
    • 5% of the male population is actually a lot of guys to choose from lol

    • Show All
    • Only 2% of U. S households earn that much, so it's maybe.7% or so of single men of -all- ages who have their own household. And mainly it's older and married guys. That was before we got to any other requirements.

    • Haha me too lol. I have no idea what would be accurate but I just meant that if indeed 5% of the men out there meet her requirements, she's in luck. But she'll have to be lucky enough to meet em too :p

  • Haha, good luck honey. You'll have to date some dudes in Silicon Valley and will likely have either Asperger's or pretentious prick syndrome.

    0|0
    1|0
  • You want a flawless guy, now the only question is whether you have the looks to afford him.
    It is a trade market you see.

    0|1
    0|0
  • No, you have high standards but you live up to them yourself so it isn't weird. That said, you may have difficulty finding someone who is as accomplished as you.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Yes, you're standards are way too high. You should find a guy that you are attracted to and then just expect him to be faithful and a good boyfriend. Why not focus more on a man's heart? It's women like you that cause men to lose faith in women. Very very selfish.

    0|0
    0|0
  • good luck finding that great perfect guy... that has all the options in the world of women to date

    0|1
    0|0
  • is the height thing a must? other wise seems pretty normal

    1|0
    0|0
  • Why don't you date in your field? It seems like you want you.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I stopped reading after 😎. Like "wow... there's more"

    0|0
    0|0
  • I don't see anything wrong with your standards about men. But you should just try to be a little more open to guys you meet. Try to get down on their level.

    0|0
    0|0
  • No, they are not. It's the are minimum actually :) It's better than being desperate.

    Take care.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Except number 3. This is unreasonable if you ask me, but anyways... ;)

  • More from Guys
    9

What Girls Said 12

  • Personally I think you might be in for a long disappointing search/wait.

    Good luck.

    1|5
    0|0
  • I think that's totally reasonable. You're bringing the same sort of fare to the table so it's not like you're being irrational about the situation.

    1|0
    0|1
    • The thing is she seems to think that the qualities she wants in a guy, are the qualities that a guy wants in a girl which isn't true. This perfect guy that she listed most likely isn't going to care about about most of what she listed herself as

    • Show All
    • ... I already explained it like 5 times just forget it

  • I have to say too high, but keep dreaming lol. Try to look for most of the traits but I don't think you're going to find all of them.

    0|1
    0|0
  • #3 would be your biggest hurdle. reality is only a small percentage of people make six figures, no less $200,000 (less than 10% or 5% i think). so you should be more lax in this requirement. if you're worried about them using you for money, you don't have to disclose any of that right away.

    otherwise, your other requirements aren't that unreasonable

    1|1
    0|0
  • No not really but how do you make 200k a year?

    0|0
    0|0
  • what on earth do you do for a living young lady? Anyways considering your standards and considering you as a person based on your description that isn't high whatsoever. just realize that you realistically need to date a doctor, engineer, or someone who has started their own very successful business.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think you could cut down with how much he earns and the traveling experience. Not everyone had money when they were younger so traveling is not available for everyone. But without having traveled, he could be a good person right?

    1|0
    0|0
  • It seriously limits your dating pool that's all

    1|2
    0|0
  • Having high standards is fine, just don't complain when you can't find a boyfriend.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Look, you're on a pretty high pedestal, and that's as a compliment. You have high standards for yourself so your boyfriend should also have high standards. It's okay to have that high of standards when you yourself live up to them. So no, you shouldn't feel bad by not wanting to 'settle' with someone lower than you that makes you feel uncomfortable or something. :D

    0|0
    0|0
  • No they aren't high. Reasonable for someone in your position. :D

    0|0
    0|0
  • What do you mean by "they develop way too much respect for me"?

    1|0
    0|0
    • That means subconciously most men are putting her on pedestal. No one wants to challenge this beautiful, intelligent woman. Like she said, she craves someone who knows ALL the topics.

Loading...