Should I call him back or just let him go completely?

My ex and I were together a year before breaking up. Everything went well between us in the relationship. I saw him twice a week since he lives 45 min. away. The only problem I had was I never wanted to get too close to him because I have a daughter who is 18 months old now. She is not his but from the day we met I did let him know she is my top priority and I needed some one who would love her like their own. Especially since her own father has nothing to do with her. All I really got from him was I'll try and he kinda did the first 4 months of dating ( he would play with her etc and even watched her for me a couple times). After that he just told me he didn't want to get to attached to her right away until he knew how things were going to go with us first which I can understand. Well after that I let it go for the time being but the last 2 months we dated he would made some rude comments or jokes about kids that just sounded like he thought kids were the last thing he wanted. So I brought my daughter up again with him . Asking him just if things between us were to go long term , would he be there for my daughter etc. He just said he hadn't made up his mind yet on it yet. I wasn't sure what to do, so I just gave him more time and waited to just see if he would bring it up with an answer. well one night he texted me that answer, the answer no. then called the next day left a message about it all! I was feeling so mad he had chosen to bring this up over the phone. because he does know that I would break up if he doesn't want anything to do with my daughter. I did call back after the message and broke up with him, I never let him know I was mad sad or even upset. But I am horribly depressed, heartbroken, mad , and even miss him terribly as selfish as it sounds. Since then its been a month and I haven't tried to contact him. He texted me once a week since then with (been thinking about you hope your OK) to ( happy new years) etc friendly stuff. He tried calling so to not come off like he got to me or like I'm bitter, I called back and got no answer. so 4 days went by and he tried calling again and left a message saying he was just calling to see how I was since he had not heard from me. So again to be nice I tried calling back and got no answer. Why would he call to find out how I am and still have no interest in really finding out? I never text him back but I did call back. And should I even try answering or calling back if he were to call again? I miss him and of course somehow hope I could changed his mind .but its hurtful enough when someone lets you go, choosing to do so over the phone will of course ensure me that he never cared to begin with. It just demonstrates a deep selfishness in him. Sadly I still want him back but will never as long as he won't have my daughter. And I wonder if he knows this all and is just plain doing a little damage control so he can feel better knowing I'm not mad about it all. should I call or never ?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Trust me leave him alone and let him go . I have three kids and was with a guy who wasn't their father for almost two years making a selfish mistake of dating a guy who never wanted kids or marriage all because I was lonely and missed him. Yes he was good to my kids but they ended up hurt cause they got attached. Let his ass go you got the answer you needed that he wasn't ready to be a dady to your baby..my kids father is a serious POS. WHat happened to yours? Friend me if you like...we can chat I so get what your going through cause this just ended between my ex and I a month ago..

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    • Thanks I know you are commpletely right! But just a few days ago we talked, I ended up letting him come over and just made that same selfish mistake myself. I know all I really did was just make this sooo much harder because the only thing I can do about it now is ask him yet again the next time we talk.. And obviously if he didn't bring it up while he was with me, then he most likely he feels the same..So really I just set myself up for a greater hurt very soon.

    • Yes and girl I did the same thing for about a year and a half...keep talking to him then getting mad at myself cause I even spoke to him when I knew it wasn't going anywhere...It will take what it takes for you and no one can tell you you have to figure that out on your own.

    • I know your right and it is hard for me; but trust me next time I talk to him I will only accept a yes or no answer to my question. If he says no I'm leaving. If he says he will I have to see it to believe it. I've seen what you've gone through with a couple girls I use to know. I know I couldn't handle the back and forth emotion that come with it.I saw it only made everything harder. Trust me if he won't have my daughter he won't have me. I know I only made this harder...

What Guys Said 5

  • First of all, any guy who would give serious thought to being there for your daughter knows that this pretty much means marrying you.

    If your daughter were to get attached to the guy like a father, but he didn't end up with you or you ended up marrying someone else, it would probably be worse than if your daughter never knew him.

    Don't get me wrong...I certainly think it is admirable that you are putting your daughter first, and I hope you continue to do so. But keep in mind that if you didn't have a daughter, expecting a guy to make this kind of commitment after only being in a relationship with you for one year is a lot to ask.

    It is even more to ask to expect the guy to adopt your child without even knowing if he's going to marry you. Even the most altruistic guys would have problems with this. More realistically, you need to look for a guy who would take the child as his own IF you two married. As I said, there really is no sense in the guy acting like a father to your child for a few years, and then you move on to someone else.

    I think you want to look for someone who you think would be a good father for your child, but the thing is that unless they're already a father to other children, they may not know it. So I don't know if this guy would make a good father or not...that's up for you to decide, but don't rule him out just because he isn't immediately jumping at the idea. He obviously went quite far with you knowing you already have a child, something that would scare many guys off. Yes, he may be selfish...but a lot of people are...

    And ultimately, you are and should be selfish enough to care about your own happiness as well. Don't just jump at the first guy who is willing to be a father to your daughter. Make sure it's a guy who you want for who he is, and who wants you for who you are. As your daughter grows up, she will be better off seeing you in a stable happy relationship. If you don't take care of yourself and your own happiness, you will actually likely end up hurting your daughter. This is not to say that there isn't a fine line of compromise -- obviously, there could be a guy who pleases you but is a total jerk to your daughter. But a guy who does really care about you should also care about your daughter...it's just that it may take him time to realize that.

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  • It's easy to say you'll never go back when you're not in full contact but re-intialise contact and the past emotions will come back and the part of you that wants to get back will attempt to justify it and unless you're really strong minded you're liable to convince yourself it will be alright. Best to avoid that kind of thing.

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  • Well if he didn't want anything to do with your daughter, then he was in a relationship with you for selfish reasons. I don't understand those people that don't like kids...as if they were never a kid once before! I personally think kids are great! That's besides the point... I'd call and let him know that he did make you really mad and that your daughter is far more important than he is. Beat that last part into his thick skull.

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  • Man is a knot into which relationships are tied.

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  • I hope for this outcome with a female I'm interested in. I was all for her kid and her with that kid, but I was shunned. I hope the person and any person she tries/tried with shuns her and puts her off and she comes back to me. I don't want to be with her anymore, as much. I just want to hurt her, I think. We'll see, if and when that happens.

    Still, don't hang up on him. You and your kid are a package deal. Make sure anyone you're with knows this when you attempt a connection.

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    • Well thankyou for your answer. I would never hurt him though if that's what you think. I still love him, and would not turn him away ever if he does choose to be there for my daughter. I just know next time I see him I'm going to have leave him alone if he does not want her in his life. I just know he and I will only be hurt worse if I just selfishly date him anyway.

    • I didn't think that. I think the best thing is to make sure he, and anyone else, knows that your daughter comes first and you need someone who can respect that and be there for both of you if and when you need it. It may just come with time, but you can't be with someone who isn't open to that idea. The way I see it, he doesn't really care about you romantically, but he may want to be friends. He owned up to the fact that he can't be more, at least. He doesn't seem to want to hurt you, though.

What Girls Said 8

  • Yeah, definitely call. I mean, if you weren't important to him, why would he call in the first place? He wouldn't. You have been on his mind since you two broke up, and he's been making a valid effort to keep in contact; you have to cut him some slack. He might not be home when you call back, so don't worry about the no answer thing.

    Not to mention the fact that it was also you who broke up with him over the phone, so you can't really say that he never cared to begin with. You basically did the same thing, haha.

    Keep in mind I'm not on his side, or anything! I just really want you to see that you're both in the wrong, and maybe seem a bit stubborn with each other? Hahaha. Give him a chance, you probably won't get back together any time soon, but have him in your life and allow him to be able to build a relationship with your daughter... let him try, if he's up to it. You never know.

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    • Thank you so much for taking the time to read and answer my question. Its nice for once to get some good advice from someone.

  • I wouldn't call him...if he really wanted things 2 work out with you 2 he would have done it the first time no offense cus I see that your daughter is your number 1 and that awsome that's how it should be but look from her point just like he didn't want 2 get attached you don't want your daughter 2 get attached and then him run out on both of you guys after she is attached I reallly don't think you should call him you sound like a great person who has your head on tight keep it that way

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  • Well, first off, you can't make a man be there for you AND your daughter. I understand you wanting to be with someone long-term that will care and love you both. I'm in the same situation. Only my daughter is 7 months old, and I've not had the chance to find a guy. I'm not really looking for one either. He's most likely scared at the fact you're kind of pushing it on him all at once. Being with someone that has a child of their own and you don't, is a hard situation to be in. It takes time to get used to things and how things are going to be. He obviously isn't ready to fill in where your daughter's dad left. It seems like he wants to be on a "friendly" level. So, if I were in your exact situation and felt the same as you do, I'd try it out as being just friends without pushing anything on him right now. You having a child, makes a lot of guys reconsider dating you in fear that they will get sucked into something they can't control. And, also dating someone with a child, has a lot of emotional baggage that comes along with it. You're trying to make up for what your daughter lacks, and for what YOU want. He might as well be afraid that he will get attached to your daughter, and if something happens, he'll be pretty upset having to leave and let go of not just you, but your daughter as well.

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  • You are missing the sparkle of young love. He does not want to be a father at this moment, and it is something he has been honest about. You have been wonderfully honest as well. It is hard to be a man in another child's life, and you both were very open about the possible outcomes. I agree with the guys and say to not initiate contact with him. He does seem to care about you, but as a friend.

    I would also highly suggest getting involved with a social group along the lines of Parents without Partners, and broaden your social horizons.

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  • Wow! Hun ur child is first prioity like you said you shouldn't have to contemplate or reevaluate yourself. If deep down inside you know how he is with ur family how would he be if you had a child together. Would he favour on than the other and be obligated? You should call him to tell him how you feel, even leave a message like him. Don't answer when he calls. But if you love him then...its gonna be hard.

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  • i would say never if he really cared about you he would of answered the phone call when you called him but don't be totaly distane if he says hi to you off the street be least nice and smile at him lol

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  • Cut him loose if he can't love your daughter he surely can't love you.

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  • Move on.

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