Should I try and pursue girls or work on myself?

I'm 19 and a virgin and never dated which I see as a problem. I have recently began trying to better myself by joining clubs so I can be more social and gain confidence in public speaking (I joined debate club). I often notice that I don't have much in common with most people since I don't drink (I hate the taste) and I have never had, nor will I try marijuana since I see it as a disgusting substance. I'm seen as more right wing than my peers even though I consider myself a centrist since I've met actual right wingers.

I have confidence issues especially when speaking to people since I often feel like I'm surrounded by idiots who care only about trivial things. I want to be more social and have lots of friends but most people around me are not compatible with me. I've always found trouble fitting in with groups of people since I am always too different from the rest which makes me feel inadequate. I have a few friends but I see them rarely since they are always busy. When I do see them it feels amazing to speak with interesting people.

I have recently also started studying harder in university since my marks have been quite low due to my apathy.

My university has a lot of attractive girls but I have no idea what to say to them. The few I have talked to either had boyfriends or rejected me. Those that had boyfriends were my type but I would never get in the way of their happiness. Those that rejected me, I later found out that they weren't my type and that I was trying to force a connection because I found them attractive.

What advice do you have for me?

  • Work on improving yourself
    62% (32)48% (24)55% (56)Vote
  • Approaching girls can be a part of improving yourself
    38% (20)52% (26)45% (46)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
Updates:
Thanks for your input everyone.
Didn't expect this question to get so popular since most of my questions get few responses.

There are a lot of great responses and I'm not sure who to give the MHOs to yet.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I...

    disagree with both.

    Yet agree at the same time.

    What I'm trying to say is that you should just let it roll. Like, per say, if you keep paying attention to how you walk and not where you walk, you'll never knew what you might run into, or if you only pay attention to where you're going and not how, you might just tip...

    But between the two I would say to work on yourself, but at the same time don't shut out the idea of a relationship because who knows? What if that certain someone is the one who can help you progress in life...

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Most Helpful Guy

  • A good relationship, is based off a fundamental framework of shared belief's, the greater your beliefs, the better the relationship.

    I'd recommend you work to improve yourself as a person, and continue an effort into finding people who share the way you see the world, and who would want to share the world with you.

    Anything else is futile waste of effort.

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What Girls Said 10

  • A and B are both appropriate answers. My son has Asperger's and is very intelligent, much like yourself. He is also a bit socially awkward. I understand how it must be for you to feel like you are surrounded by idiots, because my son had the same experience. He had the same opinions of alcohol and drugs as you, too. It's fine to not want to partake in any of that, and you are not obligated to do so as a rite of passage. You are very young, and it's awfully soon to be pressuring yourself about your love life this early on, when you have all this time to invest in yourself and your future. Relax, study, make friends at your own pace, and you might be surprised that girls start approaching you, instead of the other way around. This was my son's experience... socially awkward in high school, but in college, he became a rock star. ;-) This increased his self esteem, and his true self finally started to emerge.

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  • Once you become more comfortable with yourself it will show when you approach girls. I'd say have your main focus being improving you and making yourself happy and learn how to approach women during that time :) Once you get alright at it, that will do some self-confidence improving as well!

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  • If you're not sure, it's probably best not to enter a relationship. I'm 19 and have never been in a relationship either and it used to bug me because I used to determine my self worth by that. I used to think that I wasn't good enough because no one ever liked me, but I got over it when I realised that I don't need a relationship to be happy.
    If you're confident with your skills and want to approach girls, it can work out two ways. You can get rejected which will hurt a lot but don't let it shake your confidence; when the time is right, it will happen. I think approaching girls can be a great way to further your social skills. Goodluck!

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  • Improve yourself first. It will make you more confident when you actually start looking for a partner, and it will reduce the pressure of doing so.

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  • Always work on yourself and then the girls come lateer.

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  • You need to gain expirence. Once you know what you don't like, you'll find what you want. My sister would go to parties but hated drinking, she would fill empty beer bottles with water. Gives the illusion. I grew up in a very conservative Christian household. Drinking and mj were nothing like anyone described, still taste and smell bad but relax you so much. I'm less shakey very witty and I don't studder

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  • work on improving yourself & i'm sure you'll find a girl along that path

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  • im also 19, a virgin, and straight edge. I have problems with my confidence too. I got a job and I'm trying to be more out going. I have bad trouble talking to really attractive guys too. So I think you should do a and b.

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  • Work on yourself and miss perfect will come to you

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  • Have best of both worlds!

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What Guys Said 21

  • Still virgin at 19? I'm 33 and I'm still virgin! The story you are describing in the first paragraph describes me a lot, it's almost as if I wrote it! I still don't like the taste of alcohol and will not start that habit just to please someone else. After seeing the effects of Marijuana on some of the people that I know, I'm glad I haven't touched that crap. There's nothing wrong in being a right winger, that is what I am too, it seems much more logical to be like that then being a lefty. There's even a book called "Liberalism is a disease."

    I recommend that you work on improving yourself by continuing to go to school and pursuing your interest, but at the same time I would still keep on pursuing girls like you did. I never had the "balls" to do that when I was at school, but at least you do. Now that I'm in a work environment, the opportunities to find someone are rarer than when I was at school, but someday I'm sure I will find a girlfriend, I'm not to much in a rush. Keep doing what you do, eventually you will succeed.

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  • well your at university so there is likely a lot of younger women there. I'd try and improve yourself and such for the time being. but keep in mind your not going to be at university forever and those options aren't going to be around once you graduate. so after trying to figure things out I'd get back to trying to meet girls on campus , I think that is a good place to start off

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  • You sound like me. The majority of people aren't worth your time, but the ones you click with you have an amazing connection with.

    My advice is to enjoy your life and improve yourself, don't waste it dwelling on social stuff or girls, make yourself awesome. You seem to already understand this better than you might realise.

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  • You sound like a good guy. I also don't smoke, drugs or drink at all. Which people find that strange because I am a DJ originally from Amsterdam and I was constantly surrounded by that stuff.

    I used to be terrible at public speaking. And I faced the same things you face. I am not a group person. I always feel different but I don't try to fit in. And it works for me. At first I thought those people looked down on me but later I learned that they looked up to me. So don't try to fit and just be yourself. The key is to be your own person and the type of girls you want in your life will love you for it.

    People always talk about approaching many girls and the number game. It does work but I say it is better to get to know some girls. Befriend them in a genuine way. Because of this you'll get more free in talking to girls, your social life will improve plus you get to meet more girls. And who knows what will happen.

    Let me say again. When you befriend girls then be genuine about it. Don't befriend them in the hopes to get laid or to just to get at their friends. So make sure it's girls you actually like. to be friends with. The rest will follow.

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  • Debate club, nice... See if there's a Toastmasters club near you, check them out as well (public speaking club)
    Sounds like you're doing the right stuff (though marijuana isn't disgusting :-P), keep working on yourself but don't look at it as an either/or situation... you can be focused on self improvement AND pursue women who seem interesting to you.

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    • Thing is I look at a girl and all I can think about is how great would it be to sleep with her. I obviously want to get to know her personality since that is most important but I feel like getting to know a girl makes her appear less attractive since most hot girls have shitty personalities.

      As for weed my stance is do it if you want but keep it away from me. I've seen what it does to people and I wouldn't want to be like that. I must always remain sober since who knows what may happen if I'm not.

    • Hmm... Maybe you should start paying more attention to girls who are beautiful, but don't dress "hot" to get guys attention? Or just be more open minded and willing to meet new people, and find out who they really are rather than lumping all "hot" girls into the same category?

  • Hey man i know it can be hard to never have a relationship but always focus on making your self better once you are a complete person girls will naturally attract to you. You want to gain confidence learn the right workouts and hit the gym its very character building and you'll feel super confident healthy and powerful spend some time in the gym and you'll get really balsy i promise. don't take girls so seriously look at them just like approaching a guy. sometimes a girl will be feeling you sometimes not if not whatever it wasn't meant to be. Once you get past meeting a girl the first time and the awkward faze LISTEN ALL YOU HAVE TO do is be confident and centered in who you are and give them space and not give them too much attention, take it slow and don't force things don't tell girls you like them say what you feel and you'll be ok girls need to see confidence to feel safe and need to know you have a life and need time to miss you it will workout just work on yourself and try to meet girls and the same time when you do meet a girl don't bitch over her

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    • yeah i bro I've tried them its not anything special focus on building yourself not that

  • Wow, you sound like me when I was 18/19, though you are probably more intelligent. To me, it seems like you have some good firm values and you're not one to conform: don't do drugs/drink, you've got your own interests and you don't follow the crowd quite clearly and you're your own person. I never do drugs or drink either, good on you. You like forming deep connections with people, rather than waste time on meaningless relationships, which makes me think the right girl for you is going to be someone you really connect with, i. e. 'the one'. It's tough to give advice, but from my own position, you should try the dating scene/getting involved with girls even if it is just to improve your confidence, you don't necessarily have to hang around these sort of people forever. I did this and it did bring me out of my shell and without sounding like a dick, made me realise that I was actually attractive and not as ugly as I though I was. I eventually lost my virginity when I was 21, but I've only had sex once. I get the sense you probably won't be one for casual sex either and you'll probably stick with the right girl once you've found her. But to do that, you're going to have to search for her first, which is why I voted for option B 'approaching girls can be a part of improving yourself''.

    So my advice is, get there and meet some girls, even if it is only to improve your social skills, but just keep in mind that the values you've got are good. You're not destined to be lumped with the vast majority of society who view drink and drugs and reality TV as important things. You obviously see the bigger picture and you're an individual- a rare commodity in today's society. You might find that these qualities attract girls as in my experience they like someone a bit different.

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  • I think you just need to work on yourself a little bit, not too much though.

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  • I spent a long time trying to improve myself and I'm actually in a pretty similar situation as you. The problem is that working on yourself in isolation doesn't necessarily solve the issue, just as I discovered that many of my problems were social and not technical. Anyway, I'm not really an authority on this but I wouldn't suggest going too far down the road of self-improvement without also trying to interact with women that interest you. Also, since I was classified as a 'gifted' child as I suspect you also were, I used to get into the mindset that everyone around me is stupid and uninteresting. I found it useful to view social interaction as a way to discover how interesting someone is, kind of like an intellectual challenge. I hope this helps!

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    • Thank you for the kind words.
      I am not gifted, I just have a different outlook on life and don't concern myself with trivial matters like Kim Kardashian or the Queen of England.

  • Do both at the same time!!!

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  • focus on you and you alone.. obvious make time for friends and family but dont go out of your way to impress others..

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  • You definitely have to work on yourself first. I thought I didn't have to and started to trying to get girls, and that didn't work out so well.

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  • Improving yourself IS how to "approach girls."
    Take some kung fu or learn an instrument or something.

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  • You're 19... what kind of life do you want? What hobbies do you have and like to do? Go after it. Live your life, be the best man you can be. You aren't ready if you're asking, "Am I good enough for her", you should be asking "Does she add any value to my life?" I didn't even get my feet wet in the dating scene until I was 22 or 23, there's no need to rush even though it may seem that everyone else is doing it.

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  • You can learn a lot about yourself and grow emotionally from having a relationship. Go for it

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  • Work on yourself to be your best, then the best will come to you.

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  • Problem number 1: I often feel like I'm surrounded by idiots that only care about trivial things. This is one of your most alienating features. Many of the people around you care about or will one day care about the things you do. A vast number of human beings sit and contemplate some of the more complex concepts in life they just don't go around expecting to talk about them. People are shallow for three reasons: they're afraid of being vulnerable, they honestly don't know much, or they don't want to make those who don't understand feel isolated. Shallow conversation is safe conversation. They aren't all idiots.
    Problem number 2: Women are people. Don't over think what you need to say. Just like guys you just talk to them. Some of them will like you some won't. The vast majority of differences between the sexes are made up or over exaggerated.
    Problem number 3: get comfortable with life, learn to relax. It's even obvious in your writing that you're the type of person who's overly focused on doing things the right way.
    In the meantime don't worry about relationships too much. If you start trying to rush into relationships before you're emotionally prepared for such strong social interactions you'll just end up hurt, resentful, bitter and emotionally confused.

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  • your logic fails cause approaching "girls" means nothing. develop your self and serach for good full fledged women. girls are dumb, shallow, full of insecurities etc you dont want that in your life

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    • also you should develop being carefree and without an agenda when you approach them. women detect that easily.

  • Nothing's wrong with you, If women don't want you, so what? That's their loss and when you make it, they are going to wish they would've never rejected you.

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  • Work on improving yourself, but that's no reason to stop approaching girls.

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  • It doesn't have to be one to the exclusion of the other...

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