When A Man Doesn't Bring His A Game?

Mind you, I'm NOT at all saying this about younger guys, college kids have financial restraints that we all understand and in those cases, these comments are to be overlooked. That said, when a man in his late 40's who talks BIG and works on Wall Street and talks to you off and on for hours and says 'we should meet up for coffee,' not to sound rude, but I'm sorry, I'm not interested.

To me, a man at this age should have enough respect to realize even 'coffee' dates cost a woman far more than that lousy cup of coffee that I could get on my own. A woman generally has to do her hair, nails, toes and put together a nice outfit for ANY kind of date - is it worth going through all of that for what? A man who's already demonstrated that he's really not all that interested?

And guys here, be gentle, lol, but correct me if I'm wrong. If a guy isn't willing to take you to a movie, or dinner, on a first date, doesn't it generally indicate he doesn't like you enough to do better?

I don't mean to be cynical, but if a guy brags a lot about having money, but the immediately proceeds to act as if he can't afford a decent date at 46 years-old, oh well, make what you will of it.

Again, none of this applies to younger men who are not established.

Updates:
Some of the responses here clearly don't get that I wasn't expecting dinner on a yacht or in a private jet - dinner can be as cheap as $35/40 bucks for two people. Seriously.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think that you don't seem to understand that a "coffee date" is meant to be a casual, "low-expectation" date so that the girl doesn't feel pressured to spend a long time with him or to be sexual with him (if she isn't attracted, or just not ready). It's not the guy trying to be cheap, but rather, to make the woman feel more at ease.

    Also, I feel like you are putting a lot of ridiculous "Sex And The City" urbanite pressure on yourself for a coffee date. No, all of that crap is NOT necessary, at least not for those not on a TV show.

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    • God I adore you and your answers, so dead on.

      I don't know I think this guy just isn't for me and guys have been hitting on me non-stop lately, and well, there was one that I was into but it didn't work out... maybe I'm more critical now because I'm still hurt and need to step back a little while?

    • Sounds like that may be the real issue - you're finding fault in these guys more because you aren't really ready to date right now rather than that they're really a problem. Step back for a bit, catch your breath, get your mind right, then try again, and you'll probably have an easier time.

    • Guys have been hitting on you non stop lately? You go Girl!!! La di freaking da!!! :-D

Most Helpful Girl

  • All these guys are not getting your point. It's not about amount money spent, it's about amount of effort they make. And TRADITIONALLY its through wining and dining. And you're right, there is no excuse for a man not to make a full effort IF he claims to be interested in you. Otherwise, don't waste the time in the first place. Women, by nature need to be pursued. No way a coffee date will demonstrate that.

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    • Absolutely right on!!!

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    • What a load of shit. When men chase women it's friendshipzone City. It's like friendshipsaurus -Rex

    • Its true the more we chase, the more our chances are of being put into the friend zone. Guys have to make the first move an initiate and thats tough enough already for a lot of men. Coffee is totally fine for a first date. Casual and less pressure. Because why spend 50$ on a first date when you barely know someone and it could be horrible for you or him or both?

What Guys Said 33

  • I agree with you on this. The cheap ass bass turd could have had the decency to make more of an evening than coffee. Heck you said it best when you stated you can get a cup of coffee at a coffee shop for a few bucks and saved several hours on prep time in the process. This guys that are getting offended should be taking notes rather than offense , this Lady hit it on the head

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    • Thank you!!

    • Most welcome

    • Factor in, I do business all day long, clients, negotiations, etc., good offers are good offers off the bat - bad offers that waste your time tend to start off bad too. Lived and learned.

  • Sometimes guys dont want to "scare" a girl with a big fancy first date so they suggest a more informal, low-key date like "coffee" because its not something that most people would get offended by. It just is what it is. An opportunity to talk and get to know someone and have a coffee.

    It doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend money on you. It means he doesn't want to sit over dinner with someone he ends up not liking and it being all awkward and boring and then paying for the privilege.

    It doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend money on you. He might do in time, but you have to prove you're worth his investment first. That's how guys make money. Why should it be any different with women?

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  • I suppose if I didn't want to hear a girl talk to me I'd choose dinner or a movie where they couldn't talk to me.

    I'm never going to choose dinner or a movie for a first date at any point in my life regardless of how much money I have. And if a girl has a problem with that then I suppose it's for the best we don't end up dating.

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  • I don't start with a movie despite the fact that I'd really like to do something fun. Coffee is a good "go-to" because it's safe. Either one of you can leave at that point and you don't have to stay for any set amount of time. Plus, you can talk. A movie disallows a lot of conversation and feels awkward. If during the coffee date there's a clear connection, I'd ask to go do something fun.

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  • I wouldn't spend a dime on you even if I was a millionare

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    • That's cool because while you may feel that way, there's a number of men who don't :)

    • Yes, trillions ofmen are hitting on you constaly, you go Girl!!! LOL

  • Well, what are the motives of the man? The reason why he doesn't want to bring you to a fancy date is because he won't get laid if he does lavish you. He may and probably does have a lot of money. He's not willing to spend it on someone who may not be putting out. Should it matter if he takes you out to a coffee date or an expensive dinner? If you have chemistry with him, it shouldn't matter where he takes you, you should have fun with him.

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    • Well then I guess he's also too cheap to just go ahead and hire a hooker. Seriously, some men have the funniest egos. We're supposed to feed their egos, obey and f**k them on demand yet they want to buy coffee? Sorry, but this is the man who'll have to buy 50 coffees before some idiots spreads her legs for a guy who will only mistreat her.

      Oh well, this is what talking and dating is about, find the ones you get along with :)

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    • If it takes 50 coffees, then hopefully he figures it out by the third. You should go for the "classier" guy.

    • Go for the classy guy, the, You have your answer.

  • Hold on. I have worked in a dealingroom in bank which is a similar environment as wall street. Let me give you his perspective.

    He may like to talk big but if he likes you he doesn't want you to want him for his money. He has been working on that all of his life. A woman that wants him for his money either expects dinners. Worse thing is that they might get married, divorced and than half is then hers.

    He doesn't want to shower her with dinners, gifts. He wants a woman that is just as happy with just a cup of coffee as with an expensive restaurant. So a cup of coffee sounds just about right.

    Also understand that at his age he has had to go through situations I explained above numerous times. And if not himself he has seen it happen to his friends. He wants a woman he can trust, wants him for him and is a partner in life. So if you like him be that woman

    Another thing is that he wants to keep it casual at first. To make sure both don't feel like they owe the other person something

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  • I do feel that you have a point here. Personally, I like coffee dates because I tend to meet a lot of females who have presented themselves to be "all you could ever need", only to find out that's not the case. If every one of them got a $40 dinner, I'd never have any money. Lol I feel the second date is the one the should be well thought and require some extra thought. But then again, (as you stated already...) I'm in my mid 20's. So I feel you. 😏👍🏾

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  • You don't understand his intentions on a coffee date. He is trying to get to know you in a very casual way.

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  • You only get, what you're actually worth.

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  • A wealthy narcissist is still a narcissist. If he loses his job he will still be self-absorbed. If his security is money, if he is that fascinated with himself you're going to need to subscribe to a lot of magazines.

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  • To me I think it's the opposite. Your seeing it as initial effort, and that shows legitimacy, true interest, and respect. In all honesty, it really doesn't. I mean the biggest asshole can go above and beyond, putting on their A game just to impress you and weasel into your pants. You don't truly know someone until you've lived with them. The coffee shop option sounds more like the humble, get to know you for you type. The high life types usually aren't loyal, are selfish, and stay only as long as it is convenient for them. The real man or woman you want, is the one that will stand by you when your sick and have nothing from medical bills, after being with them for 30 years raising children and making ends meet. Most people nowadays, both men and women, just don't have the qualities or values necessary for marriage. Everyone lives in this fantasy land where they are a queen or a king, and "deserve" to be treated as such.

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    • The biggest red flag I think from the guy you mentioned, is how he bragged about his income and money at his age. Not so much the coffee shop date idea.

    • Could be you're right on that, it's the bragging that sets this off to a bad start.

  • My God that's a twisted way of seeing things. I not trying to be mean but I feel like you don't go on many dates. Loosen up and stop over thinking. A coffee date is a simple easy public date, it's low pressure. It's designed to everyone involved comfortable. By the way if she up dressed to the nines your going to look ridiculous. Stop being so pretentious

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  • I'm sorry, but there is not gentle way to put this.

    You still have the whore mentality of the '50s. You have it in your head that being merely graced with your presence is worth some kind of cash transaction. Yes, the guy has money, but that means he has CHOICES. Believe it or not, some women are willing to engage with a man without being paid for it.

    A coffee date is a "pre-date." And you better bring $5, because I wouldn't expect him to pay for that. It's not about being cheap -- it's about trying to find a partner, not a hooker. That means he's looking for someone based on their actual human capital, not the fact that they have a vagina.

    You have an awesome opportunity to get with a wealthy man and an opportunity to prove that you are a solid woman (not just "a woman").

    Think about it. Suppose the guy is looking for a woman who doesn't trade on vagina. For $40 he can take you out for a dinner and MAYBE get some kind of intimacy, or he can take $50 to the nearest lot lizard, and agree on a particular service for a fixed price. Just the fact that you affix some price to your time means that you're essentially a whore and unsuitable for any emotional intimacy.

    You need to get it out of your head that you and your time are worth more than any man and his time. The dude has money. He can buy a surrogate mother and whores for the rest of his life. What's missing is the emotional intimacy, which is eliminated by demanding a price for your time.

    Stop trying to trade on vagina (expecting to be paid for your time), and start trading on your actual human assets.

    You got 20 dudes knocking on your door? Bet the dude is knocking on 20 doors.

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  • Cause it's a first date, he wants to see if you guys are actually compatible and actually have something to talk about. Lol is he suppose to take every girl he finds interesting out to 2 hour dinner? I mean hell if he is an older guy who's decent looking, with a good job then he has plenty of options of women to pick from. You seem more concerned about how much a guy is willing to spend on you after barely talking to you, then actually trying to get to know him

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    • Oh and you'd be okay with a "cheap" dinner $35? Wouldn't you just complain about that too and how he took you to the cheapest place in town and thus doesn't care cause he didn't spend enough money on you on a first date?

  • "When A Man Doesn't Bring His A Game?"

    Please Stop Capitalising Every Single Word.

    "To me, a man at this age should have enough respect to realize even 'coffee' dates cost a woman far more than that lousy cup of coffee that I could get on my own."

    Alright. Suggest your favourite coffee place to the guy, go there, and buy the exact same thing you always get. There you go, no difference in cost. Was that so hard?

    "A woman generally has to do her hair, nails, toes and put together a nice outfit for ANY kind of date"

    A woman doesn't "have to" do anything. The only person who forces you to do that is you.

    "If a guy isn't willing to take you to a movie, or dinner, on a first date, doesn't it generally indicate he doesn't like you enough to do better?"

    …no? Is it that uncommon for dates to start as small as to get coffee?

    "I don't mean to be cynical, but if a guy brags a lot about having money, but the immediately proceeds to act as if he can't afford a decent date at 46 years-old, oh well, make what you will of it."

    Does he want to get coffee to save money, or just because he wants to start with a casual date? Where are all these assumptions coming from?
    Also, do you expect him to pay for you just because he has a lot of money? Let's just say that you're a multimillionaire, and a guy asks you out on a date or you ask him out on one. Will you pay for the both of you?

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  • A man who is over 35 should have his financial act n order to date period

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    • Thanks Larry... it seems that you have something that's dying nowadays, it's called manners, lol. At some point, it's NOT about money, it's about treating people respectfully and how endless the benefits of that are in return.

  • OK, are you sure he bragged about all the Money he makes? If you are 100% sure, I would not give the guy the time of day. I can't stand those guys.

    That being said, don't worry about finger nails and toe nails, only women like those, most men hate how women do their finger and toe nails.

    About the date: Meeting you for coffee might be his way to test the Waters and not come at you too strong. It is a first step: if the coffee goes well and he likes you and feels you are somewhat interested, you will get a nice date. :-)

    You don't have to dress to the nines to go for coffee: just be yourself, be nice and clean and you will be great, guaranteed.

    The Problem is: one woman hates it when a man goes all out on the first date, the other loves it... It is not easy to date women, and women know it.

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    • Funny your comment about the nails and toes, because it's so like you said, what one person likes another does not care about - last guy I had a date with LOVED that my nails and toes matched and loved my hands and feet lmaoooo too bad he turned out to be a jerk and I didn't have sex with him but still he kind of broke my heart :(

  • I think you're totally spot on. I used to ask coworkers out for a cup of coffee - but that was when we were at work and she didn't have to do anything - and we didn't have time for a major date.

    The rest of the time - it was always a major date and I paid for it.

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    • There ya go - a spur of the moment 'let's grab coffee' is cool. I would never complain if it were like that. But if he's coming ALL the way from NJ, nah, not working for me lol

    • HOLY FUCK! LMAO!!!

  • Dates start casual, then graduate up in scale.

    Is a coffee or lunch date really that bad for a FIRST date?

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    • Okay then I could just see him at the event happening later this month - we're both invited and we could have a drink together lol but I understand better now where guys are coming from - thanks.

  • Woman, my C game is better the most men's A game :P

    So dont worry bout it!

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  • I really hope I'm not single in my 40s lmfao

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  • I'll give anything to a girl who likes me back.

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  • This is probably why you're single at 40

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    • Please, I have on average 2 guys a day asking me out and rejected a marriage proposal 4 months ago. Better off single sometimes :)

    • Opinon owner: you can't even start to grasp how cool beautiful, and classy the asker is: she has millions of men chasing after her. :-D

  • Spend more money on food when I just want to get to know you? I don't think so

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    • This was not about guys who are 18.

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    • Well see that's sometimes people are just different. I was going meet a friend who had been there for me in the past, but this was the first time I was seeing him in person. I didn't care about low expectation. Quite the opposite, I wanted to show him how much I appreciated his advice in the past and then proceeded to take him to the finest steakhouse in NY - and I did not let him pay a dime. Perhaps some people are just more giving than others.

    • True but there's a huge difference between a date and a longtime friend.

  • I feel like you should be a lot less worried about how much he spends on your first date and how much you like the person. That's probably what he wants. A relationship established on something besides money.

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  • I'm sorry. What was the question again?

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  • It's not about the money - it's about being casual. It's easier to say lets meet up for coffee than to ask for a date. There's no pressure when going out for a coffee.

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  • whats so bad about coffee dates? if it was restaurant you'll be more content? you sound like a gold digger

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  • The date is supposed to be about getting to know each other -- not showering some stranger with gifts hoping they'll have sex with you.

    In short, get the fuck over yourself.

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    • Shoe's on the other foot... for a man who's looks aren't all that really and he's a bit older, the work is on HIM if he wants to get with women, period. Men who wait, men who play games, men who jerk women around, etc., these are the guys who fail - it's because they refuse to create positive and healthy relationships. This is NOT about the dinner, it's about respect. I have a lot of it to give, but you have to be worthy of it first. Truth be told, all women these days can afford their own dinner. And he can stay home and jerk-off until the cows come home.

    • You are suffering from a severe case of entitlement... which is why you're single at 40.

      Exactly why does he have to impress YOU? Seems like his no-deal option is fine to me.

    • I could not agree more

  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 5

  • You have to understand that a man of that age grew up in a time where everyone went out for coffee dates. It is a nice, simple way of getting to know someone without the distractions of food or a movie. I don't understand why anyone would want to go out on a movie date if you are just meeting someone. When I go out on a date I want to get to know that person. Not sit beside a man that I hardly know and try to focus on a movie while having questions run through my head that I want to ask this guy but can't. I'd prefer a coffee date. But that's my own personal preference.

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  • I dunno, coffee doesn't sound bad to me, it's intimate whilst being casual. The amount someone puts into the date isn't really an indication of how interested they are in you, and going out for a first date definitely does not need to be something like going out to dinner.

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    • That's okay too but realize that is part of a modern landscape. Not traditionally how a man shows interest. Maybe today's men do it that way but older guys know better.

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    • Thank you :)

  • Agreed - its a sign to me that he's blowing smoke and then I have to decide if it might be worth the investment to dig what he REALLY is, then if worth spending more time... it's not so much the money, it's the man.

    That said, if he's not proud of what he is to billboard it (instead of smoke) transparently, be it plumber or tycoon, how can I be proud of being with him? What you have appears NOT transparent. More research warranted?

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  • It's just coffee. I would settle for coffee and nothing else as an initial meeting.

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    • You already are assuming too much before really meeting such a man... You sound stressed out.

  • Some Men lie and talk a big game put when it time to walk they don't have shit. I hate men like that. I met a guy who lied and said he bought his own car and preceded to criticize me for not having my own car. It turns out he did not even buy his own car. His dad did.

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    • Crazy, see how silly? Maybe the best thing in all this is for guys to take away how bragging (and lying) just really is not called for in the first place.

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