Is being uncomfortable with someone doing something considered "controlling"?

My girlfriend said that I'm controlling because I felt uncomfortable with her going to the movies alone with a guy she barely knows. We've been dating for 2 years, but she only talked to the guy a few months ago. Plus, she wanted to hangout at his house after the movie. The guy ended up apologizing to me for not asking me if it was okay. He even said he would feel uncomfortable if he had a girlfriend who wanted to have alone time with another guy. It was the guy I didn't trust, NOT her. Basically, because he tried to flirt at first while her and I were on the phone. I NEVER tell her she can't go anywhere or do anything. That would be crossing the line. I do let her know when something makes me feel uncomfortable, which is not often. She says being uncomfortable means I'm controlling. I don't see how when I don't tell her what to do. Long story short, am I being controlling by being uncomfortable with that situation? Or is it her trying to twist things up?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • No and I think your girlfriend is in the wrong as well. She has no business going to a movie with a random guy then going to his house after? That's just weird. She needs to be asking herself the question of would she be okay with you doing that with a other girl. Evaluate your relationship.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I dont think so :/

    I think labeling you controlling is just a tactic to emotionally manipulate you by shaming you for expressing concern. This may not be the mature way to handle things, but you could make a new female friend and go to the movies with her. If your girlfriend has a problem then she's a hypocrite.

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    • Well, last night, she tried twisting things up by asking me how would I feel if she told me she was uncomfortable with me hanging out with another girl. I told her I wouldn't hangout out of respect for her and the relationship. She was like, "No, that would mean that I'm borderline trying to control you by saying I'm uncomfortable." I was confused by that. It's crazy how she twisted it up to make herself seem right. Crazy, right?

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    • We're talking now, and she's still trying to make it seem like I'm controlling her. She loves twisting things up. She's even trying to FORCE me to admit that I was controlling her by calling me a liar. Really? She wants me to lie and say I'm controlling so she can say she's right! Then, she says, "If a guy knows that you feel uncomfortable about certain things, they won't ask me to go anywhere. So, that makes you look controlling!" Really? I'm pretty sure the dude would be being respectful, not think I'm controlling. Just because she feels like I'm controlling, she wants me to believe that everyone else thinks I am too. Why is this even happening?

    • I really don't understand why you like her.

      Obviously you know her better than I do but from what you've told me she seems like trouble.

      Good luck

What Girls Said 9

  • No, it is not. You may want to get your girlfriend a dictionary so she can see that controlling and uncomfortable don't even have close to the same meaning. Uncomfortable, just means something makes you feel uneasy. Controlling, means trying to dictate what someone does (in ever aspect). Those are two VERY different things and you might to explain that to her.

    I have a few other things to add.

    1) I've read everyone's answers and your comments to them. You mentioned your girlfriend likes to twist things up to make her seem right and you seem wrong. I have a grandma who likes to twist people words, if for no other reason to start trouble within the family. So, I sympathize for you there. I get how annoying that can be.

    2) I saw you said your girlfriend cheated on you when you first got together? I can understand why you wouldn't want her hanging out with some random guy she barely knows. And, though it's not good to throw the past back in peoples faces, did you happened to bring the fact up that she did cheat in the past and so you have every right to feel uncomfortable? Because, you're completely allowed to feel that way.

    3) You gave up storm chasing for her because it made her "uncomfortable" but she's telling you your controlling because something she was going to do made you uncomfortable, does she even get how unfair that is? I'm a big believer in what's good for the goose is good for the gander. So, if you had to give something up for her comfort, she should be willing to do the same for you.

    My advice, not to be rude but she's seems quite manipulative and is blaming you for her lack of a social life. Which, is her fault not yours. Now, she's threatening to break up with you and accusing you of being controlling, that's not a good thing. I know you may love her and I'm not sure what kind of guy you are but if you're a decent guy you'd deserve better that how she treats you. If I were you, I would think long and hard about this relationship and ask yourself if you really want to put up with her immature ways for the rest of your life. If your answer ends up being "no", then you need to break up with her. It may even turn out be the best thing for you both. Good luck.

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    • Thank you so much for your advice! I haven't heard from her since she hung up on me on Skype last night. So, I don't know what's up. I never got in the way of her and her social life. She knows that. I'm just at a lost for words. I do all I can to encourage her to have a social life. It's not on me. I'm confused about a bunch right now. I'm thinking about leaving her a long video message or an IM message on Skype. I don't know. I never bring up the fact that she cheated. I learned to put that behind us. Yet, I do one thing wrong and it gets thrown in my face all the time. Even when I make changes, she still complains.

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    • & She says that she doesn't know how to feel about anything all the way. She's at a point where she's trying to find herself in life and is basically blaming me for the things she chose not to do.

    • Well, maybe she should go to therapy to work through her issues. I mean, therapy doesn't work through everybody but with the right therapist it can.

  • What you are being is honest; honesty is the very foundation of a solid relationship. What she is being is childish. She wants to do something she knows she probably shouldn't be doing, and is trying to justify it and make herself feel better by calling you controlling. When we feel uncomfortable about something, it's usually with good reason.

    If she insists upon going, turn the tables on her. Tell her that's fine, she can do what she wants, because you made plans with a female friend to go out that night anyway. Whether you actually did or not is irrelevant, but at least it will show her how it feels and then she will understand your point of view a bit better. Just make sure you act mature and non-chalant when you tell her that, not pouty and angry.

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    • You are 100% right. She's slowly starting to give up on trying to get her way because she sees that I'm not following her up.

    • Good for you... don't get dragged into her drama.

  • No... it's just you being uncomfortable. You're allowed to feel that way. From what you've posted it's not as if your feeling is unfounded and even the other guy admitted to understanding how you feel so if anything, your girlfriend is blowing things out of proportion.
    She needs to calm down and you need to figure out just how much you actually trust her. Because, though it's not controlling behavior, you being uncomfortable might indicate waning trust in her and that's probably what's bugging her.

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    • Just read your other comments. Your girlfriend is kindasorta a bitch and... that double standard doe. She gets uncomfortable and you gotta fix it to make her happy. You get uncomfortable and you're s controlling liar. If you want to keep dating her then that's your headache lol. I'd dropped her long ago, can't fix something like that.

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    • Oh. Then yeah, go for it.

    • Haven't tried yet, will soon. Don't want him to get mixed signals thinking I'm saying they can hangout alone like that.

  • You're not being controlling, but I don't want to say she's twisting things intentionally either. She may feel controlled because she feels some obligation toward not going out of respect for your feelings. Maybe you two should talk more about why she feels this way and can reach a comprise.

    (For the record, that seems super sketchy. As a woman, I would not trust his intentions, and so I don't blame you at all for thinking they're out of line.)

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    • Trust me, she loves to twist things up to make herself seem right about everything. It's all the time. She hates being wrong. I used to storm chase, but I stopped because she was uncomfortable with me doing that because she feared I may get hurt or worse. Now, she says she misses being a social butterfly, but she was never one to begin with. Before we got together, she was antisocial. That continued into the relationship. When I visited her, she saw some old friends who wanted to hang out and keep in touch, but she never followed up with them. Now, she blames me for her not having friends just because I felt uncomfortable about that one situation w/ the guy. An old female friend asked her to hang out numerous times, and once again, she never made an effort. Am I really to blame here?

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    • I think you just need to talk to her. If you want to go visit her, then ask her if she'd like to see you while you have the chance to be off from work. If you feel the two of you have a chronic problem, then talk to her about that. I don't have all the answers, but I don't think relationship problems go away without effort on both sides and good communication.

    • If only I could get her to just listen without thinking I'm pointing fingers...

  • No, it's not controlling to be uncomfortable. That is very inconsiderate and immature of your girlfriend to say so, in my opinion. So yes, I think she's trying to twist things up, and I see things going downhill. But that's none of my business.

    In my relationship, we respect each other a lot and care about how the other person feels. My boyfriend's comfort, happiness, and health are priorities to me, and vise versa. My boyfriend wouldn't do something I'm legitimately uncomfortable with, and I wouldn't do something my boyfriend would be uncomfortable with. We have a lot of communication and understanding, we're very close, we have endless amounts of trust in each other (fuck, we're almost like one person, but not really), and like I mentioned before: respect. We're both not unreasonable either, so it all works out.

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    • Last night, she tried so hard to get me to say that I am controlling. She was very manipulative! She kept saying things like, "Why won't you just admit to being controlling because you were uncomfortable?" & "I know you're lying to me!" I didn't give in to that. I'm not going to lie and say I did something just to make her happy. She wants to be right about everything. by the way, she was calm and laughing one minute and pissed off and a different person the next. It was very confusing. I was very calm and she got upset because I didn't get angry. Why get angry if I'm telling the truth and I'm not the one who is kinda koo-koo in the head? I stood my ground, but not in a disrespectful way, so she doesn't like that. Always wants a reaction out of me.

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    • I'm sure ranting and complaining about your girlfriend to strangers on the internet may take a little bit off your chest, but you still have a problematic relationship and it's not a good problematic. I have nothing more to say, besides she's immature, not a good girl for ya, and you should be putting your efforts into someone who cares and appreciates you.

    • Thank you!

  • Doesn't sound like you're being controlling, but it does sound like she doesn't give a shit about your feelings. You're allowed to feel uncomfortable about her meeting with other guys, and if she was a half decent person, she would try to reassure you, and stop doing whatever is making you uncomfortable, not insult you and dismiss your feelings.

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    • We're talking now, and she's still trying to make it seem like I'm controlling her. She loves twisting things up. She's even trying to FORCE me to admit that I was controlling her by calling me a liar. Really? She wants me to lie and say I'm controlling so she can say she's right! Then, she says, "If a guy knows that you feel uncomfortable about certain things, they won't ask me to go anywhere. So, that makes you look controlling!" Really? I'm pretty sure the dude would be being respectful, not think I'm controlling. Just because she feels like I'm controlling, she wants me to believe that everyone else thinks I am too. Why is this even happening?

    • Your girlfriend wants the benefits of being in a relationship, without putting the effort it. She's manipulating you, so that she can run off and do whatever (or whoever) she likes.
      You're not in the wrong here, she is. From what you've said, you've done nothing wrong, aside from staying in a relationship with such a selfish person.
      I doubt even she thinks you're controlling. I think it's more likely that she is so used to getting her way, that when she doesn't, she resorts to childish manipulation to try to control the situation again. If anyone is a controlling person, it is 110% her.

    • You are exactly right... I'm not going to lie and say I'm doing something when I'm really not. That wouldn't fix a thing. She's trying to make me feel bad, but my facial expression is calm. She doesn't like that. So, she tries to dig deeper to make me feel a certain way. Not going to happen. I'm telling her the truth and she swears I'm lying. Smh.

  • She's either an idiot or thinks you are. Sounds like she's toxic and all she's going to do is test your boundaries like some child or something. I'd get rid of her if I were you.

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  • in this particular example, it's understandable.

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  • So you're controlling for worrying about her safety? What girl in a relationship wants to spend alone time with another guy at his house? You need a new girlfriend!!

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    • She always says that when I'm trying to be concerned. Her exes weren't concerned because they were drug runners and only wanted sex from her.

    • I'm sorry to say this but your girlfriend sounds like an idiot. Again, you need a new girlfriend lol. Not just because she's an idiot but she's trying to take you for one. She wants to go to the movies with a guy friend, okay. Go to his house afterward? I would be so insulted!! She plans to do more with him and thinks you're stupid and passive enough to let her cheat.

    • Trust me, I'm not cray cray to let something like that happen. lol Way smarter than she takes me to be.

What Guys Said 9

  • I think her throwing around the "controlling" accusation is rather suspicious, dude.

    "Plus, she wanted to hangout at his house after the movie."
    Dude... c'mon... it's obvious now. Don't be naive.

    " He even said he would feel uncomfortable"
    Bullshitting through his teeth, dude.

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  • Quite simply, you're with the wrong lady. This is not going to get better. Call it a day and find someone new. She's provoking you because deep down, she's finished with this relationship. She wants you to admit you're controlling so she has an excuse to dump YOU! She's playing a similar game to, "Let you and him fight". She sets boyfriend against guy friend and while you're fighting, she walks off with a third guy. Beat her at her own game and bring down the curtain!

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    • I'm about to talk to that guy and let him know she may be trying to turn us against each other. Not sure why, especially after he said that he understood how I felt.

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    • This was his response: "No problem, yo, but I'm not sure what you mean about being uncomfortable..." What am I supposed to get from that?

    • Hmm! Sounds like there's more to this than first meets the eye. If he had your best interests at heart, he would know what you mean and how you feel. It's strange that he agreed with you in your question but now doesn't understand what you mean. This lady is playing games and pushing you. Don't give her the satisfaction. Tell her it's over and watch her reaction. I bet you she won't be bothered at all.

  • I'm controlling. You're not.

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    • What do you mean?

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    • Read the sentence that follows that...

    • I don't know. I'm always in the wrong.

  • No your not, I'd feel the same way, especially given you said he had flirted with her before. Particularly it's not controlling to feel a certain way, most would be uncomfortable with that.

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  • helllllll no dude you need to break up with her asap she wants to cheat on you or at least to see what else is out there.

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  • What a dumb bitch.

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  • It is if you're a Millennial.

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    • I like your posts because you're so blunt and to the point, but I'm a millennial and don't think this is controlling. There's hope for some of us!

  • That is so bullshit you are allowed a say in the relationship if she doesn't understand that on its own ask her if she wants you to go hang out with some random girl she doesn't know alone?

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  • It's her not you. That's honestly very disrespectful of you in a lot of ways. My ex sounds a lot like your girlfriend and so just a heads up, it will get worse. She'll do more and more stuff like that and she will always make you the bad guy. She is either a person who needs const male attention or she is just young and foolish. Either way you should just keep your wits about you and get your head around leaving her if you have to.

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