Would you date someone who liked violent porn?

[Anonymous]

I borrowed my boyfriend's laptop and stumbled onto his collection of violent porn. I was just trying to save something and it defaulted to a folder that was full of videos that had "rape" or "pain" in the title. I'm no prude, I wouldn't care if it was normal porn, but every title in there seemed violent. I don't know what to think about this. He's a nice guy, he's always treated me well, and we have a great, not-violent sex life. I'm just worried that he's got some kind of hatred of women buried inside of him. I mean why else would all of his porn be like this? I'm afraid that if I ask him about it he'll think I was snooping, but this is really changing the way I look at him. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

It could just be curiosity. I don't limit myself much when it comes to the Internet. I keep in mind those other people who may also use my computer, and won't save things on my computer that could upset them or get them in trouble. For the most part I'll look at anything once; I very much enjoy judging things for myself.

Exceptions are anything to do with mistreatment of children, or non-consensual activities. I already know those things are wrong, and I don't need to see it for myself to figure it out.

In your case, I think talking to him about it would be a good thing. If you have been dating long enough to have met each other's family or close friends, maybe you can get a feel for his past and see if there is a reason he likes this type of pornography.

Oh yes, one more thing I can thing of... maybe he's just bored with normal porn. Ancient Romans had gladiator sports and other escalating violent activities to amuse themselves. People get bored and have to upgrade their entertainment... just look at how TV has turned out over the past few decades. I know normal magazines don't work for me any more, I've moved on to reading erotic stories and situational videos. The side of my example I should point out is I would never be so care-free or do the things I read about or watch, it's just all fantasy and something to get the libido going. That is partly what fantasy is for... situations and ideas we want to experience or analyze/understand, but we know doing those things in real life aren't practical or safe... and possibly illegal.

[Banemorth]

Occasionally there are some weird things that'll turn you on for some strange reason you don't understand but you would *never* want to do them yourself. If he loves you he would never want to hurt you. I wouldn't condemn him for some freaky fetishes. As long as he knows you're not comfortable without acting them out and never tries to push you into trying that kind of role playing when you're not willing to then I don't think there would be a problem.

If you guys have a great not-violent sex life then I'd hope he can live without the uhhh "pain. "

[Asker]

I guess this is what I want to think. I'm otherwise happy with our relationship. It's just thrown me off. I suppose I'll have to talk to him about it and see where this is coming from.

It's not like I wouldn't be open to some rough stuff. I just had no idea he wanted anything like that.

[velenose]

I had the same issue with my boyfriend, I used his old hard drive and found this kind of stuff on it, I was horrified, disgusted and immediately enraged. I confronted him in a very violent manner swearing and I even thre the thing at him, I was so mortified and scared that someone could get off to it that I didn't even talk to him about it but became very..idk defensive, I felt like I was in danger with him in the house. it changed the way I saw him and almost killed everything we had created. until after I had thoroughly abused him and berated him and called him horrible horrible things I finally broke down and cried, and I asked him why, and how he could ever ever even look at such terrible things. he said he didn't understand it at first but finally admitted that it was because he felt a connection with the victim, that he felt alone and in pain and that so did they. I still don't understand it and I'm still wary of him at times but he hasn't (as far as I know) looked at it since and our relationship is still going strong

[jescat80]

studies have shown that men who watch violent porn are highly likely to commit sexual assault and/or rape. I am hoping it is just a curiosity then an actual interest but it is a major warning. You need to speak to him about it and explain it makes you feel uncomfortable and you are concerned. Chances are he was drunk and stored it or similar.

Personally I would avoid being with someone who fantasies about raping and inflicting pain on others. I am sure that there are a lot of men out there who will say this an over reaction but ask a Criminologist or other legal professional and they would say that it is a concern.

[Anonymous]

Hell naw! To me, that is a *huge* red flag. I would think he is sadistic because that is just not normal to get off while women are being hurt. He probably thinks about it all the time. I know because if you have a certain fetish that's always gonna be your "go to fantasy" if you masturbate. Well RAPE and PAIN are his go to fantasies!

That's scary to even think of. Your mind is telling you the right thing - break up with him. If you don't want, don't even tell him you're breaking up with him because you found that on his computer, just say "I need my space" or "I'm not ready for a commitment" lol

[Anonymous]

As someone who's been raped I could never tolerate anyone normalizing it or exploiting the experience for their own pleasure. if there was a way to prove that it was actually consensual Id be far more ok with it (consensual kink is fine as long as no ones boundaries are pushed to harm/disrespect even if they consent), but then I'd have to be a detective and trust his standards on such particulars. For me it would not be worth it to date someone like this

[likelyOK]

Same feelings I also think something like this could have lead me to being hurt by someone who was into this

[drstms]

If you love him, ask him to tell you his story. Listen with your attention on what he over emphasizes, downplays, or omits. For instance, if he doesn't mention his mother, or talks about her in a sterile tone, then there is pain behind his relationship with her. The same goes for his dad, or any other major player in his life. If listening to his story is too much of an investment, you shouldn't date him. Once you identify the possible cause, ask questions that are tentative and understanding, so he can open up and let the pain out. Then he won't need the coping mechanism anymore, since that is what porn is. Porn is typically a control mechanism that helps us find security in the fact that the person in the porn is not going to say no to us.

[Asker]

As far as I can tell he has a really good relationship with his family. That's been one of the really great things about being with him. His mom and dad are sweet without being smothering. They've been so much easier to handle than any other guy's family I've been in contact with. Whatever's making him do this, I don't think it's family issues.

[drstms]

That would be the reason for getting him to tell you HIS story. The things he over, or under, emphasizes, or sounds steril about, are the things he might want to look into. If you gently, and tentatively, ask him about whatever catches your attention, he might cloud up, and you can encourage him to let it come out. Tears of grief irrigate and cleanse the wounds of the soul.

[nice_guy7]

i think maybe it gets him off and you should leave it at that. he knows it is something he can't do with his girlfriend and so he just enjoys it in private. it might just be what gets him off the fastest when he jerks off. women are often weirded out or offended by guys likely weird porn or porn period, but you need to realize it is just a natural feeling of sexuality that he can't choose. if he is a good guy and doesn't cheat and doesn't ever do that stuff in real life then I think it is okay.

i do think it is a little strange that he only has that kind of porn, but I dunno, if it is all fantasy then I don't think there is anything wrong with it.

[Kotton]

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[mistycal98]

Ok that is just crazy. Get away, far far away. He may snap one day.

[afia4444]

thats kind of crazy, i guess it depends on how violent it was...