How do I keep a conversation?

Look, the thing is, this girl and I both enjoy each other's company. The last time I had a relationship was at 12 years old (for like a few weeks) so it doesn't really count. As a result of this gap - along with my social anxiety - I am constantly nervous around her, but I'm starting to warm up. She knows this, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still nervous. We'll talk a bit but it's all forced random questions like "favourite foods, scariest event, favourite drink, etc." If we watch a movie I'll offer to leave directly after to save us the hassle. It sucks. On Facebook I'll message her once every few days asking how she's doing and how she's been keeping busy yet it always dies by the evening. It's been days since we last spoke. I'm too nervous to make any intimate moves in person so my last resort is to keep conversation but not even that works. I'm worried that she'll get bored of me really fast. I've read articles for hours, forums for hours, videos for hours, discussed the basic FORD topics, I've tried it all but to no avail. I'm dumbfounded as to what to do.

I know the best idea is to catch up more and eventually things will flow better but I don't want to put her in that position where she's dreading catching up because she knows it's going to be uncomfortable and boring. Sometimes she'll put in effort over messages sometimes it seems she just wants it to end. Is this my fault it's not working? Should I just leave it and if she messages me then I'll try again but if not then too bad? This is the reason I stopped paying an interest in relationships, it's just stressful and ends up hurting in the end.


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What Girls Said 2

  • Oh dear dear.
    It sounds like a really painful spot to be in. It also doesn't sound like a 'relationship' to me. If even your conversations are forced, where's the fun? The person you're with, you should feel the urge to talk to her, and same from her end. If both of you are just forcing something to work that both of you know needs painstaking effort, my suggestion would be to get out of it. A relationship that's breeding fear... bad bad bad.

    Okay.. you said you enjoy each other's company. What kind of company? The silent one? Have you tried just sharing a calm silent walk together? Maybe sit by a pond and just hold hands. If it leads to a kiss, good, but don't have the expectation hanging in the air and make the atmosphere tense. Just allow it to happen naturally. Hopefully, you'll feel the moment.

    Alternatively... have you considered that maybe you weren't compatible to begin with?
    I mean, you wrote this long an explanation. And you've explained it well. So having conversations with a person should make you want to write this long about things that interest you and share ideas and opinions and debate on things. It's not where you're frowning hard trying to come up with a word you think will interest her. Or always feel too nervous and conscious about what she thinks. Let her do the thinking and react whichever way. You'll know what works then.

    Ideally, break the ice. Ask her directly if SHE thinks it's really working out as she wants it to. Ask her if she knows there's any way for things to be easier for the both of you. Be prepared for all kinds of answers.

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    • Have you tried going on a date where you did some activity together? Like an arcade or some art workshop or an amusement part or even bowling. A place where you can DO things together instead of being passive spectators like watching a movie. I mean.. if you're running out after the movie... like... what did you watch it for when you can't even talk about it? You didn't find anything interesting or awful in it to share with her?
      I'm only assuming that if you did an activity together your bodies will warm up so you'll (hopefully) feel less nervous and it'd be fun and competitive. Try it out I guess?

  • I don't have social anxiety so I can't really comment on that, however practicing talking to people (you could start with friends and family) will really help.

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