I am 18, and I'm secretly seeing my boyfriend? Am I wrong?

I'm dating a 24 y/o and my parents don't approve. They haven't even met him. I can honestly say that I have never lied to my parents about anything before. I have always done whatever they asked even if it was unfair. I feel so bad for going behind their backs, but I really like my boyfriend.. He makes me happy. I have been a puppetdoll for my parents for my teen years. I have done things for their happiness, and put my feelings aside as if it was nothing. I always told myself that when I turned 18.. my life will stop being theirs, and it'll become mine. I love my parents, but I have to love myself too, enough to do what makes me happy. I agree that adults should abide by their parents rules as long as they live in their parents household. I'll always respect my parents, clean up the hour, come home at curfew, whatever they want. But I think parents who try to interfere with their adult children's love lives... like telling them who not to date is a bit controlling. I know the age difference sounds bad, but he really is a special guy. Am I wrong?

  • You're wrong. It's their rules
    21% (11)21% (11)21% (22)Vote
  • You're not wrong. Adults make their own decisions
    79% (41)79% (42)79% (83)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
Updates:
To those who doesn't understand the concept of why I chose to keep this from my parents and think Its "irresponsible." I ONLY do it to keep the peace. I don't want to have a bad relationship with my parents, but I also want to be happy myself. That's the reason why I gave so much background info... to make that clear, and its part of my conflict.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • My mom has not ever wanted me to date. At some point outright right rebellion with force is necessary. This is how respect is earned! Following your parents rules is required if you live in their house is mandatory. However, not having your own life like dating is not part of the rules category. Your parents can either support you dating him, or lose you because there is no middle ground!

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    • Thank you so much!!! You've read the words from my head. 😂😂

What Guys Said 14

  • No, you are not wrong at all and it's good you realize that you are an adult and that you have a life of your own too and yes you have full rights to lead the kind of life you want to lead. Hence you are an adult so you can go meet your boyfriend with or without your parents approval, if you believe you are doing the right thing then so be it. The choice is yours.

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  • Yes, you're wrong, not bcoz it's their rules but for you're secretly seeing your boyfriend. You don't have to fight your parents, rather you've to convince them. They are you parents, you should know how to convince them. And they would understand if you'll make them, they wouldn't want to see you unhappy. Happy New year!!

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  • You don't have to tell yojr parents because it's none of their business. It's YOUR life. Asking for curfew and deciding who you can go out with in your adult life is ridiculous and you should remind them that one day, roles will be reversed and you will be the one taking care of them. So they should make it easy on themselves because your resentment could be their hell.

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    • I don't understand why some people seem to think that living under someone's roof gives the hosts holy powers over them. How does it make you a slave? Yes, there may be some rules like cleaning after yourself, taking out the trash etc. How does it give them the right to decide how you live your life?

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    • Have you pointed out the inequalities to them? I don't see why you shouldn't be treated with the same respect as your brothers.

    • Yeah, me and my mom have gotten in a huge argument over this. She was yelling and said hurtful things while I never disrespected her or even raised my voice. I just told her how I felt, but nothing has changed.

  • Age can be an issue when you are younger (i. e. he's 18 and you're 12). However, now that you are 18, presumably you've got some smarts on you and can make good decisions on your own... not be pressured by someone older than you to do something you don't want to do, etc. So age starts to become irrelevant the older you get. When you are 24, he'll be 30, and the age gap will be even less relevant. For what it's worth, my parents are 12 years apart.

    Unless your parents still live in the dark ages, meeting someone online is not a big deal as it once was (I met my wife online back in 1999 - it was a bigger deal back then).

    Assuming you've also met this person face to face and been out with him a bunch of times, you've probably got to know him as a person. If you like what you are seeing in person, then you have every right to be happy with your choice of guy and you should have no shame about dating him.

    Back to my parents being 12 years apart, my mom's parents' biggest beef with my dad was that he wasn't Mennonite. But the more he came around and visited with my grandparents, the more they came to know and love him. By the time my grandparents died, my dad was managing their finances and taxes.

    Have fun dating the guy that you know in your heart is the right guy for you. Introduce him to your parents. It's a lot harder for them to be anxious and angry with you when they can see for themselves that he is a mature, well behaved, and all-around great guy.

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  • As you say you're 18 and should be able to make your own decisions on who you date. Sooner or later your parents will find out. You should go ahead and let them know you're dating the guy and sooner or later your parents will probably come around. Is there any particular reason they wouldn't want you dating the particular guy you're talking about?

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    • Only his age, and because I initially met him online.

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    • Thank you so much:)

    • You're welcome, hope it helps! :)

  • I think you are both right. But your parents are a bit overkill with their control. They should at least see him before they pass judgement.

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  • Why do your parents not approve? Maybe have them meet him. Why did you lie to your parents? It seems you are still a little bit immature if you need to lie to your parents. Immaturity knows no age. Since you are 18, you are legally an adult. However, I would definitely listen to your parents and find sense in their concerns.

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    • I have explained every question already. I don't feel the need to do so again. I'm immature for lying? Being truthful to them is why I'm in this situation in the first place. Everyone lies, so everyone is immature right?

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    • I'm sorry, but how did I insult you? By calling you immature? If you can't take brutal honesty, then you have more problems than you realize. I can only speak of what I read. If I'm not given all the information up front, then it's not my fault that I may speak unfavorably. I'm sorry, but there's no requirement that I read other opinions and comments. If you are going to be in denial, then there's not much I can do. If you can't even specify how I insulted you, then how can I acknowledge and apologize?

    • Why do I need to specify how you insulted me? I grown ass of a man doesn't know when he insulted someone. Yes by calling me immature. How is that brutal honesty? It's honestly just because the words came from your head? Do you really think that you're that special?
      You were given all information up front. You just don't have common sense.
      There isn't a requirement to read other comments, but its a wise thing to do before asking questions and judging someone. It's smart to do that. It saves you from looking dumb and lazy because its right there on your screen, all you have to do is scroll.

  • Maybe don't bring him home but carry on seeing him.

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  • you're are right

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  • Here's the thing, as a man I'd never consent to being kept a secret.

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    • Yeah, I almost broke up with him yesterday, because I want him to be happy. I really like him, and I feel horrible for him going through this all because of me. But we're going to try to make this work.

    • He'll never have the respect of your family because he's sneaking around now. They'll forgive you and judge him.

  • ''keep the peace''? just will only cause division and resentment.

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    • I know... I meant temporarily. Do you mean division and resentment on my part hiding emotions or my parents when they find out?

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    • Yeah I always think things through. Growing old knowing that you let someone live your life for you would be the biggest regret.

    • One of them

  • They usually knows best.

    I would suggest to bring the guy and if he really is a good guy, you both can convince your parents that he's sincere and stuff.

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  • You're dating him out of spite, it's wrong

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    • How so?

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    • If I was dating him out of spite, my parents would know about it and I'd be rubbing it in their faces. Why would I keep talking about how much I like him and be actually be hurt by all of this if it was out of spite?

    • You're dating him out of spite!

  • "I agree that adults should abide by their parents rules as long as they live in their parents household." You are doing this because you want what you want and you won't let your parents interfere in this.

    The votes are overwhelmingly in favor of what you are doing, but if you broke it down by age, you would find that the favorable votes are from younger people who are still resolving their own conflicts with their parents. If you want to make adult decisions, take on adult responsibilities. . . like supporting yourself.

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    • What's your point really? So you think just because I live in their household, i have to break up with my boyfriend just because they don't like them? So.. let's say if your house was being rebuilt and you lived with your parents for a few months and your parents hated your longtime girlfriend... Would you break up with her just because it's their home?
      Choosing who I want to date isn't an "adult responsibility" it's simply choosing to live MY life by being with someone that I like.
      Why quote me if it seems like you missed the whole point of my quote? If you don't agree with my perception just choose your poll and move on.

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    • Until you are self-supporting, it isn't entirely YOUR life. But, obviously, anyone who disagrees with you is wrong; that is a symptom of you not yet being an adult.

      If you are so convinced that you are right, why did you bother to ask the question?

    • Okay, so you ignored all of my questions. It's cool, hypocrisy is pretty common now in days.
      I never said it was "entirely" my life, but its my decision. I'm not going to waste time arguing with you because you'll never understand. You can't teach an old dog new tricks right? You feel a little strong about this subject. Biased, maybe? Since you're so much of a mature adult, why are you even on here anyways. Calling you wrong isn't immature. I was just stating my opinion because you and that other person came at me wrong. And that isn't a very "adult" thing to do.

What Girls Said 9

  • You're under your parent's roof so it's their rules. By sneaking around behind their backs you're proving you are NOT ready for this "relationship".

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    • I'm usually a fan of your advice, but not this one...

    • Bummer for you. Act like an adult and then your parents might treat you like one.

    • Okay "BellePepper" the acknowledgeable "adult."
      Tell me what you would do in my shoes?
      I don't know your life, but say you still lived with your parents. Would you sit there and let them tell you who you can or can not date just because you live in their home.
      Also you don't know my life so you can only assume that I don't act like an adult based off of only one thing.
      Any adult who wants to be able to decipher who is an adult should have a bit of skill comprehending my words. Go ahead and take out my quotes to try to justify what you're saying is right. But it's wrong.

  • You're totally right, I'm 16 and I secretly dated my 19 year old boyfriend until we couldn't really keep it in anymore.. and when I told my parents (who I thought would kill me.. and him) I was completely wrong. They agreed to meet him and we all get along just fine, it really felt a lot better to get it all out in the open. Also, a point I would bring up is "Would you rather me be dating a guy my age who doesn't respect me, or an older guy who is good to me?" Another thing is our relationship grew a lot after we told because my family now has a relationship with him too.

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  • You're not wrong. Adults make their own decisions! I think if I were in your shoes I pretend like i have no-one! Please be safe!

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  • You are both wrong and you are irresponsible. You are behaving like a child not an adult.

    This is going to blow up in your face. Your parents are going to be more upset when they find out later that you are still dating him. You should have convinced your parents to meet him instead. That way you could have proved that he is a good guy. It's unlikely that they'll ever except him now.

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  • Wow - you and I are in the EXACT same situation. I'm 21, have a parent who means well, but is very controlling and hypervigilant, and I'm dating an amazing guy... but I haven't told them and don't know when I will. I feel similar to who you are and what your childhood must've been like. From my point of view, my parent is needy and doesn't believe I should date - otherwise, I'm betraying them. Is this similar to yours?

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    • @BellePepper - It's true we are under our parents' roof, but not every "roof" is the same, of course. I understand it does sound rebellious... but if you think about it, every person in a family is human and every human needs to move on with their life, in a positive way. But not all of us can or should move out, at the first sign of trouble. Looking at it from a parent's point of view, I think it's sad that the communicated message is "If you displease us, there will be consequences. Your opinion doesn't matter." Family psychologists agree that this family dynamic is very harmful to a child (or young adult) - this, of course, is why the rare cases of emancipation exist. That leaves those of us to try our best to exist in this family, until we are able to successfully transition to being independent. But if a love that could last a lifetime has come our way, why should we pass that up, only to keep a "peace" that can't last and make those over us happy?

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    • Yes, I blocked you bellepepper. I don't like you, and I didn't feel like going back and forth with someone who's so close minded and will never understand. Living under someones roof does not give them power over a person. Yes, household rules are fine.. but getting into someone's personal life isn't okay.

    • I'm so sorry you're dealing with that stress - it's really hard not to be able to share those we love with our family. I really hope you're able to find guidance in your growing relationship. I've found that older women can really help to support me. The trick, of course, is finding those who won't slip that to your parents. My best wishes to you! :)

  • You are right in that you are an adult but even as young adults there are still things we do not know and it is important to realize that asking for your parent's help is okay. Be aware of all the things that could go wrong and just know that your parents only want what is best for you. I would suggest sitting them down when everything is calm and maturely explain to them that you have always followed their rules and you want them to respect your decisions as an adult. Tell them that you would like them to meet the guy who makes you happy. Tell them you want them to be involved in your life. It might make it easier :)

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    • This is sad, but I have tried doing this... and it didn't work. So, I plan to tell them about him closer to my graduation date.

    • Graduation from high school?

  • You're both wrong and right if you ask me. It's alright to date him because you are of legal age, but won't it give them the shock of their lives when you come home one day saying mom dad meet your son in law! You could introduce him to them slowly? Like drop hints and all. Like saying you have someone you like, asking them how they met and all... (^_^)

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    • Yeah, that was my plan lol

  • i assume you are the eldest in your family?
    that's why your parent is over protective, they're still treat you like a kid, just like mine.. it takes quite years to make them understand I'm grown up and made my decision

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    • I was the youngest until 4 years ago. My mom has had 2 more kids. I understand though. My mom controlled my sister's life until she was 25.

  • Good for you! It's your life, your choice to make your decisions.

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