Should we just have a kid without getting married?

My boyfriend is 45, am 29 i want to have akid and he also wants to have a kid but he is not proposing and i dont want to push him! What should i do?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Having a child 'should' be a lifelong commitment. Again, the keywords: "Lifelong" "commitment."

    If either partner of a couple 'cannot' in good faith commit to each other for life, they are a poor choice for having children with. Because anyone who says they want children, but doesn't want to commit, has 'no' commitment to those children. It doesn't mean they won't be attached, but the children's best interest is not at heart. People who "stay together for the children" and ultimately divorce or go their separate ways in the end still subject their children to a broken marriage. It never "just happens."

    There is something wrong with your relationship. I would not recommend having children with this man at this time. For whatever reason, he has no faith in your relationship's permanence. It 'will' play out.

    In no uncertain terms, you need to explain that you need a lifelong commitment from him in order to make a lifelong commitment to his children. In return, because of your own lifelong commitment to his children, you are making a lifelong commitment to him. That means you actually have to make your relationship work.

    If he tries to back-pedal or in any way deflect, 'then' and 'only then' ask him to explain his emotional decision to refuse marriage. What fears are pushing him away? Don't open with this and presume to have a deeper understand of him than he does, communicate.

    Explain that you need him to make a rational decision to marry you, not an emotional one. That you need him to decide that you and your children together are a good choice for lifelong commitment. That he sees and knows you will remain loyal to each other, work together, love one another, communicate and compromise to make a marriage work. That you both are the type to refuse to damage your children by not seeking to have the marriage you would want them to have.

    If he won't explain his emotional fears, if he decides he won't marry you, or you honestly can't meet the above commitments, then walk...

    Walk away for you and your future children. If he chases after you upon losing you, reiterate the above two paragraphs about communicating what his fears are and needing a rational decision. (Now one not made in fear of losing you!)

    This is all sound advice. But I'm not going to lie. You may end up hurt and having to start over. But it's nothing compared to the hurt of having a broken family that can go on for generations. Don't settle for less:

    "Lifelong"
    "Commitment"

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well as much as some people wouldn't advise it because you really have nothing thats going to make sure he stays or you two together, but thats the same for marriage, just harder with legal papers. If you two love each other and are in for the long haul- don't have plans getting married then have a baby. Make sure you're finically stable, living together also would be ideal.

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What Guys Said 10

  • Decisions about having children should be made on the basis of what is best for the child and not what is convenient or satisfying for the parents.

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  • I say do NOT do it. How do you know he really wants to do this? How well do you know HIM? How much involvement will he have after the child is born? Will you continue to stay together and if not will he do his share in helping with the child? Raising a child is a lot of stress and a big change in someone's life. Does he have addictions that he will gravitate towards when he stresses out? These are only a few of the questions to ask. // Sorry for being so abrupt!

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  • 45 is limit to start educating a child: he'll be 60 by the time the child is an unruly adolescent. ^~^.

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  • HELL NO
    It's hard enough with two married parents to find success & happiness, almost impossible with just one... marriage at least is an overt bond to try like hell to stay together after another of life's happy trials like this

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  • You should have a deep and serious talk with him before you get pregnant. Why does he want a child but not marriage? Raising children costs money. Who will pay?

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  • Push him! If he wants a kid his time is now of never. I'm an older father and he can pm me if he wants.

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  • You don't need to get married to have a kid. Marriage is a ring and a daft piece of paper. Doesn't make you a better parent.

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  • Marriage is very dangerous for men these days. If you're a good woman you shouldn't force him into one. The important thing is that you stay together and raise your child/children to become intelligent, hardworking empathic and protective.

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  • Ask him what he things about marriage?

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  • People have kids all the time with out getting married more now any way, you cvs always do that later if your just concerned about you running out of time

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    • Just because more people are doing it doesn't make it the smart/ right thing to do.

    • @Matchmaker7072 since most marriages end in divorce that's what I wish I had done now it's just a mess and makes even harder

What Girls Said 5

  • You should talk to him like adults!

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  • In my opinion, a fact that he hasn't proposed can be due to either a financial issue or lack of commitment. Give it time and if it's been a year and he still hasn't proposed, then question his priorities. Wait it out and have a serious discussion with him when the time is right for you two. Has he been married before?

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  • Why doesn't he want to propose?

    How long have you two been in a relationship?

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  • I know people who never got married and had kids before. As long as you two know you're ready and gonna stick through with this go for it.

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  • Said him. I don't want a baby before get married.

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