Why do men only want to hook up with me?

I've met so many guys, but almost every single one has only wanted sex. I do not understand what makes me the kind of girl someone would fuck, but not date. Guys always say they will fuck an attractive girl, but only date an attractive girl with a good personality. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I believe I am dateable. People tell me I'm goodlooking. I'm well rounded, as in I get good grades in college, I play a few instruments, and have a good amount of hobbies. On dates with men, we have good conversation and a great time. We go for coffee, little road trips, to museums. We talk about philosophy and good music and literature, politics and current events. I am neither dull nor boring. I am cultured and have a good head on my shoulders. I'm confident about myself for the most part. Yet what makes guys decide to only use me for sex? What is the difference between me and the girl a guy would date? Is it because I seek older men? Or that I sometimes have sex on the first or second date? All that means is that I like to have fun in bed, it doesn't mean my other traits are any less valuable. Please help me out, I'm very curious as I just now told the third or fourth guy in a row that I wasn't just looking for casual sex.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm forward, loud, obnoxious, and awkwardly honest, and I have the libido of a greyhound bitch in heat. "Waiting", for me, has never been anything more than a punch line.

    My husband and I "waited" 2 hours or so, about 1h 59min of which was logistics. We're now in an impossibly satisfying marriage, and our 15th anniversary is coming up this spring.

    The difference between me and you, though, is that I wouldn't have felt "used" for sex. I wanted the sex every bit as much as the guy did. If it didn't go past that... it didn't. In my eyes, it was an "audition" to determine whether there should even BE a first date, lol.

    If you feel "used", then that means yr doing something that doesn't feel right to you. You don't really want to do it, but yr doing it anyway. And that, darling, is what's wrong with this picture.

    You shouldn't force people to wait, because that's just deception. Most importantly, you shouldn't force YOURSELF to wait -- because no one's gaining anything at all, from that.
    But, you need to think honestly about whether you REALLY want to have sex, when you have sex.
    If it's something you really want, then, even if the relationship doesn't go anywhere (or isn't even a relationship), you'll be fine.

    If it isn't something you really want yet, then, wait.

    But, if yr waiting, make sure the only person yr doing it for is yourself. Never wait FOR someone else, and never MAKE anyone else wait just for the sake of "proving" something. That never ends well for either person involved.

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What Guys Said 19

  • Change who and how you are meeting these guys. There's that common cliche "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" well if you keep meeting guys the way you have been, parties, tailgating, tinder, whatever it is, and they happen to be subpar guys, meet them some other way.

    Try meeting more guys via social group. Meeting guys for relationships via social group has a lot of advantages. First off you have an idea of what they are like before anything happens. Secondly they are a lot less likely to try to just sleep with you and never see you again, because chances are they will see you again. You also have a deeper bond with them before you start dating. A closeness someone feel with you is based on how much they feel you know them, so all that prior contact makes a big difference. However this may mean you need to start getting yourself involved with social circles that have good people instead of the average d-bag. For example, there is always a lot of girls and guys who hang out at churches in college just to meet good people instead of the average frat boy.

    You really do have to change what you are looking for in a guy. Older guys, by more than a year or so, dating younger girls aren't LOOKING FOR a relationship. Start dating goodles guys in general. The bad boy attitude or frat guy while they may seem more fun, it is extremely unlikely they will be someone who isn't looking around on you. Good guys can be just as exciting but a lot more caring.

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  • I think you should hold back from having sex on the first and second date. Make a guy wait for a while. Guys like hook ups and friends with benefits. That seems to be the dating trend now. Not all guys are like that but most are. You do seem smart and very intelligent. If your looking for a boyfriend then make guys wait a while before having sex with them. Because if you have sex with them to soon then your sending mixed messages.

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  • You sure you want to know why?

    First, lets get this out of the way. Yes, you are conceited. You think you're dateable, but that's only your opinion. The only question that matters is whether or not you are dateable in the eyes of men. The evidence would suggest that you are not - at least not to the men that you are attracted to.

    Here's the thing - as men, we don't give a shit if you get good grades or not, whether you play an instrument or not, or how many hobbies you have. Assuming you're attracted to well rounded, high quality men, then these qualities aren't selling points, they are basic expectations.

    What good men want in a date is somebody that adds value to their lives. How can this girl I'm having coffee/sex with contribute to making my life happier if I were to spend more time with her. Does she help me relax after a stressful day at work? Is she a team player that can be there with me as we achieve our goals? Is she capable of helping me raise kids if I want to have some some day?

    All those reasons why you think you're dateable? Seriously doesn't mean shit.

    Good luck.

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  • well here's the thing you listed some valuable quality indeed i wouldn't approach a girl like you just for sex but for a long term relationship , so personality is not the issue here , however you still have two boxes to check before jumping to conclusions.

    1-What kind of vibe you give? do you give that " iam sexy and wanna have sex "
    vibe.
    And
    2-how easy are you to get into bed?

    if you give a sex vibe ( the way you talk, dress and move ) people will wanna sex you but few would consider a relationship, and if you are easy to get into bed just because " you want to have fun" you're not gonna get a lot of relationship action either , so can you tell me in all honesty how many guys have you slept with so far? i am not drawing any conclusions or trying to judge you iam asking a serious question.

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  • So how are you deciding these guys just want to have sex with you and nothing more? I mean guys don't usually go on little road trips, museums, talk about philosophy, literature, politics and current events with a girl they just want sex from and nothing else

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  • Stop sleeping with the guy on the first or second date. Seriously, if you want a guy to get attracted to your brain and personality how can he when you are giving him sex right off the bat.

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  • Bad guys only date women for sex. For me, a nice bad boy dates a woman to have a great connection. If no sex happened at the end of the date, ''it's ok... i understand''

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  • Well... Since your 19, I'm guessing that your dating men around your age and that means that they will most likely be in college, and when a guy is in college, they don't want to tied down by one girl.

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  • Girls have higher physical standards for hookups, men have higher physical standards for dating. I'm guessing that you punch up (try to date men more attractive than you). So you meet their standard for a hookup but not their standard for dating.

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  • Paragraphs, please!

    This one is simple, find a guy that does want a relationship and that will respect you.
    Players are only after one thing; they're going to be more assertive.

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  • It's the age group you are in many men just aren't ready for something serious. That's not to say that you won't find one about your chances could be better. Try dating older or just waiting until you're a little bit older.

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  • post a picture and we'll enlighten you.

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    • Okay haha‚Ķ

      http://m.imgur.com/hNUhAuM

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    • my opinion... grow out your hair some more, drop 10.. maybe 12-13 lbs.

      girlfriend material.

    • option 2. pay attn to bigger dudes (if u don't already).. they'll be more inclined to think u dont need to change a thing. n w/ that mentality, they'll treat you better than the trash you've been dealing w/.

  • I don't know. Good luck OP, and deny them sex. Find a husband worthy man. That's what your 20's are for

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  • You said where you go on the dates, but you didn't say where you meet these guys. Perhaps you are meeting them in the wrong places, and as such, the wrong people for you.

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  • Because you let them.

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    • Oh, read your question to the end.

      Telling a man that you aren't interested in casual sex is taken as a sign that you have had casual sex in the past, but just not with him. It's presumptuous. I'd bounce too if a woman told me that and I'M NOT LOOKING FOR CASUAL SEX. see the problem here?

    • What would you suggest we say to get the message across then? Because I've had trouble with this too, like a guy will come off as trying to hook up and I'll say "oh sorry I'm not looking for sex" would that give you the wrong impression? Thanks 😊

    • @BaiFSho well you shouldn't be worried about what the guy looking to just hook up thinks, he's not looking for a relationship, so telling him no is no loss.

      I'm talking about the guys who aren't just looking to hook up. Those guys you want to reassure that their time with you is wisely spent and they aren't just being chumps.

      I think you do that by dating exclusively, so they are assured that you aren't getting it from some other guy. Then we are more amenable to taking it at a relaxed pace.

  • If a girl sleeps with me on the first date I'm no longer interested in dating her.

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  • Well, a couple things:
    - men have lower standards for sex than relationships. If you think about this, you will realize that means almost every woman has far more men who would sleep with her then date her. It's just how things work.

    - guys will fuck an attractive girl, but date an attractive girl with a good personality. That's close. But it's also true that guys have higher, not lower, physical standards in a relationship.

    So how does this apply to you? Could be a few things:
    - just bad luck. More guys want to sleep with you then date you, and you've been enjoying that without filtering to find the guys who WOULD date you.
    - could be who you are choosing. Guys who are out of your league for dating will still fuck you. If you only hook up with those guys, it will seem like none of them will date you. There may be other guys who would date you, but they're less fun/hot then the guys you hook up with. Unfortunately, that choice will -never- go away (for any woman. Your gorgeous peers who have guys who want to date them? Those girls could instead go hook up with pro athletes or whatever who'd never call them back. that choice is how it is for women).
    - could be they view you as 'hookup' vs. 'dating' material based on speed of sex. Some guys are like that, others are not. It's not random - depends on the culture of the guys you know. Do they act like there are 'sluts' and 'girlfriends', or do you see people progressing from hooking up to dating in your area?
    - finally, it could be that they think they can do better. I mean in a way this is the same as point 2, but I'm being more specific. I cringe to say it, but you asked for advice, so here it is. My guess is if you dropped some weight, you might get a few of the guys who currently aren't ready to settle down being interested in it. In general, will going from overweight to not overweight improve a woman's dating (more so than sex) options? yeah, it will. Will it for you? Can't say for certain.

    Last question I'd have for you is if you know whether the guys you sleep with actually date -anyone-. If they aren't ready to date and are just playing the field, nothing you do will change that. If they hook up with some girls and date others, then maybe there's something you can change

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  • Well since you said you're well-rounded and goodlooking maybe these guys find you way too smart for them in life situations and they think about their future relationship with you that they can't fool you or cheat on you or because you will notice that, Other than that since you're good looking it's more likely that you are sexable :s , Try some hard to play games.

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  • "I've met so many guys, but almost every single one has only wanted sex."

    Because your a woman at this stage who keeps hooking up with the attractive/popular guy that every other damn woman wants.

    cf.girlsaskguys.com/.../...a-ac87-b429f719977e.jpg

    "I do not understand what makes me the kind of girl someone would fuck, but not date."

    You have nothing of worth in you personality to keep them around.

    "Guys always say they will fuck an attractive girl, but only date an attractive girl with a good personality. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I believe I am dateable."

    The traits you presented men don't give a shit about. You see women have things totally screwed up. All the traits you want in a man, you think men want in a woman. You talk about getting good grades (sure that's nice) but unless a woamn is really dumb, guys don't give a shit. Well rounded is vague. Good looking (no pics) so can't really say. Hobbies (again a woman thing for men). Men don't give a shit about this.

    -Having sex on first and second date pretty much make guy think your easy and disqualify you from relationship. Also word spreads fast so the next guy who you make "wait" probably won't stick arouund because he'll feel your not attracted to him even since your making him wait while allt he other guys got sex easy from you.

    -Guys who you gave it up probably spread rumors your an easy lay and a whore. So most guys show interest to get a free nut from you despite you having any other redeeming trait.

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    • I'm getting a clear idea of your future and it's in the form of a male who is starved of any female affection in his youth, who works on himself and gets a nice job finally getting a chance to date you when your a bitter, cynical 30's woman wanting a "good" man to settle down with you.

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    • 1) Loyalty - Very rare trait seeing many women today, keep leaving men for other men they percieve has more money, status, or looks than them today. (This is why Mark Zuckerberg LOVES his wife and sticks with her even though he could if he wanted have sex with 10/10 instagram models now that he's super rich).

      2. Loving to your man. I find many women today are self serving and self centered. The relationship dynamic is about giving them and very rarely do they give back. Show appreciation to your man that does not come in the form of having sex.

      3. Being able to cook. A very rare trait amongst women today seeing a lot of them prefer to eat out at restaurants than learn how to cook.

      4. Being supportive and kind. To him as well as other people. (Come on no 2 face attitude)

      5. Don't be clingy and controlling. You should not be texting him messages every hour or controlling who he goes out with.

      6. Be a whore only for him but a lady on the street.

    • Also looking at your pic. You have a nice face but are a little overweight. You should work out.

What Girls Said 5

  • Well I am not a guy but maybe you sleeping with them on the first date gives them the message that that's what you are there for. I am not judging you because as you said "it doesn't mean my other traits are any less valuable". It's just that some guys may take it the wrong way. Try not to rush things and give them the chance to get to know you on the first/second/third date. Talk about your interests and hobbies, it might be just as fun. Good luck!

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  • Ahh you are showing them you are not a woman who can be faithful. Men want a chase, a challenge. Not a tease mind you, but they want what not any man can have. If you give up the goods before he has to earn it, how much do you think he will value it? Become an asset worth protecting.

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    • Same thing applies to men. Women want a challenge. If you give your love/commitment to them too soon they'll not appreciate it and think you give up commitment and love to any pretty girl you see. If another girl comes along whose better than her you'll drop her for that girl.

    • Actually many men will pull away from the chase even good men. I never expected my man to chase me, i was just honest and sincere and he was not after sex only.

  • Wrong guys? You allow it?

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  • Throughout your dating life the majority of men will only want to sleep with you. You've got to learn the art of rejecting these men, and not feeling bad or remorseful about it. MOST men want sex, and when they don't get it, they will play mind games and make you feel bad for not banging them. Wait for the guys that want relationships. They are out there. If it seems like most men want to hook up with you, it's because they do. It's nothing personal. Most guys want to sleep with hot celebrities, instead of taking them out for dinner and meeting the parents. Think about it. It's flattering, and indicates you're good looking. You're just frustrated because you're seeing how it really is. Hold true. Stay strong. Don't sleep with these men. When you meet the guy who wants a relationship, he'll be shouting it from the windows.

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  • maybe it's the way to approach them? or the way you dress? or maybe you're just hanging out with the wrong guys...

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