Is dating someone who is emotionally unstable very unappealing?

About a year and a half ago I was involved in a serious car accident in which my close friend died in the seat next to me. I developed a form of ptsd afterwards and have been single since that accident. I'm now dating a girl I met about 4 months ago and things are getting serious, how do I open up to her about my ptsd? Do I even mention it at all? There's spurts where because of it I don't feel like myself and I feel like I'm undatable now, will she understand? Would any of you ladies get involved with an emotionally unstable person?

  • Unappealing
    38% (30)42% (15)39% (45)Vote
  • Makes no difference
    27% (21)14% (5)23% (26)Vote
  • Depends
    35% (28)44% (16)38% (44)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Girl

  • first of all, my condolences~ i'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, and i'd hug you if i could.

    to answer your question, it depends on what you're comfortable sharing with her. and, if she truly does support you, that won't matter. but you are not obligated to tell her anything.

    in a sense, i can relate to your girlfriend... my boyfriend of a year and i had only been together for a month or so, when he revealed a traumatic and very-tragic event from his past.

    he went on to say that some years had passed since the incident and that he'd worked through most of the trauma on his own terms. still, my heart immediately went out to him~ not only was i proud of him, for being brave enough to let me into that place, but we had been so in-love from day one and i love him even more because everything he's been through has made him into the beautiful, wonderful, resilient person that he is.

    you are not your ptsd, nor is your life defined by what happened that day, and anyone who cares about you will see that.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • "There's spurts where because of it I don't feel like myself and I feel like I'm undatable now, will she understand?"

    If she's the one for you, she'll understand. This is really good for your relationship as well so that she has a better understanding of what's going on with you from time to time when you do have episodes.

    "Would any of you ladies get involved with an emotionally unstable person? "
    - Don't think that this is a crutch or a cross you must bear, look at it as a part of who you are. You've experienced something very traumatic and emotionally scarring. Your job today is to live life to it's fullest and become stronger. One day you'll meet someone whose gone through the same and be able to empathize and help them because you understand. That is a very powerful concept and i hope your opportunity comes.

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What Girls Said 20

  • Hey babe, three things.

    #1
    Unstable >>>>>>>>>> boring.

    #2
    It is what it is. No sense in asking whether x is better/worse than y, if you are x and you can't be y.

    #3
    There will be growing pains. Easy come easy go; what's worth keeping is worth fighting for; etc.
    But, life is gna throw shit at you. In yr case, it threw shit at you early... but, it'll happen. So, this is really just a test case for whether a potential partner will be able to handle whatever life is eventually gna throw her way anyway.

    I mean, this is one of the silver linings around the black cloud.
    Lots of people don't find out "oh crap, my partner can't deal with difficult things" until after they've built a life and family together.
    You get to find this out right up-front. (:

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  • I am so sorry for your loss and your problem now With... Form of ptsd afterwards...
    It;s Nice now that you are taking baby steps in this delicate matter in Beginning your Beguine with 'Dating a girl.' However, with finding your moments that may not be Your Finest Ones, make up a small easy going excuse when you are feeling like this.
    No need right now in the First stages of dating, to have to say anything. As time goes on and you both are still Getting to know one another with Nursing and Nurturing even a potential Partnership down this line, Then.. Fine, talk to her then.
    If she Cares about you, she will Accept you Unconditionally. By getting to know the girl who is just a 'Date' and Not a 'Mate,' this will Determine if she's even worth Continuing with as time goes on and Someone Special you can Depend on.
    Good luck. xx

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  • There are many women who wouldn't mind but I am not one of them. I used to be one of them then I got involved with a man who had issues similar to yours and it was utterly exhausting. I was very patient and loyal but it drained my vitality and sucked a lot of positivity and joy out of the connection. If a man like you is not actively seeking to remedy his issues with therapy and instead is waiting for a female to come a long and deal with his baggag for him then I will not get involved. I have a certain standard for stability that I will not compromise because it will end up compromising my own happiness and peace in the process.

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  • If you feel you are at the point in your relationship where you can reveal some of your past to her, then do so.
    If she cares for you, she won't care any less, she'll be supportive.
    Tell her what happened.
    Tell her how it affects you.
    Tell her your fears.
    If she truly cares she will offer her support and reassurance that everything will be fine.

    <3 Sorry about your friend.

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  • i think you should tell her about what happened. there's a good chance if she really cares about you she will understand. are you getting treatment for ptsd? if not, i think you should consider it. i wouldn't have a problem with it as long as he was seeing someone about it. i myself have anxiety and panic attacks which my boyfriend knows about, and he doesn't care. it would be hypocritical for me to say i wouldn't date someone because they have ptsd.

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  • Tough question. It's not unappealing but meeting someone who turns out to have PTSD might be difficult for those who have no clue what it is. This is a very invidual question but me personally wouldn't mind. I assume being with an emotionally unstable person might be hard work but if I really liked or even loved this person I wouldn't mind, I would do whatever it takes.

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  • Always always talk about it. If your partner can't handle your emotional needs, they need to leave because they will make your life worse instead of better. You should be honest with this woman you're seeing because it's something that affects you in your day to day life. Most people would want to try and help if they can.

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  • I think you should only if you feel like you should, if you see that it could potentially lead to a different scenario and she would think it was the cause of something else, like something she did when really it was because of your past etc.

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  • If sh truly loves you unconditionally, it will make no difference! We all go through periods of our lives where times are difficult, and sometimes this can servely effect us more than others. Unfortunately, that's apart of life. I think that as people, we need to try to walk more in another person's shoes before we judge others.

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  • Nah, we can be emotionally unstable together 😛

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  • I personally would date you. But I'd want you to be upfront about it. Just tell her and if she's the right girl she will accept you. If she doesn't then you will find a girl who will. You when through a tragic thing and any girl who can't understand that is wrong for you and not mature enough. Just be honest with her and open up.

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  • Talk to her about it. Being in a relationship with someone like that is not a bad thing. Being open about it is the key to success though. It will help her be able to help you. Even when you are going through a rough patch or day she needs to be aware so she knows how to handle things properly. (: it will work out. ♡

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  • If I was her I'd want to know? I'd feel so grateful to be the person you felt you could open up to? If I'm dating someone I want to be there for them I want to help them in any way I can! It is obviously a big step for you so it's totally understandable to take your time and only tell her when you know she is what you want and you can see a future but I think she'd hopefully try to understand as best anyone who hasn't been through that can and will want to support you as much as possible!

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  • I've dated a guy who emotionally unstable, he is bi-polar. I'm not gonna lie, i thought it was attractive because he was broken, scared, and was feeling hopeless. I liked being there for him and making him feel good. But after awhile i started to get tired of it and it was draining me emotionally as well. Especially when his worst moods would come, he took it out on me. I loved him but i couldn't take it anymore. He refused to take medicine and instead did drugs and drank like a fish.
    That was my experience, but my answer is no I wouldn't date someone with a mental illness. It took a toll on me.

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  • I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend and your tragic experience.

    I say that it's better to get to a safe place through therapy and whatnot before starting to date. This suggestion is from experience. I started having panic attacks pretty badly for a while and had started dating when they weren't too bad. They got worse and my partner (who was an asshole, mind you), said and did some things that really set me back, despite having anxiety and seeing a therapist himself. 😐

    That being said, you're already involved with this girl, so opening up to her is better than trying to hide it. She may respond very well and be considerate and caring! But make sure to have tools in place to help cope just in case she is a jerk, or simply doesn't know what to do and says something hurtful.

    Much love and good luck!

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  • It's a tough situation. Personally, I'm of the opinion that you can't really be in a true, healthy relationship if you have emotional issues that need to be worked through. It's not a matter of whether the other person truly cares about you or not, it just usually isn't healthy to be with them. If you're in a position where you're actively working to resolve/treat these issues and aren't experiencing any major setbacks and you feel that you can handle a relationship, I would be fine with going forward with the relationship - though I admit, I would be cautious. If you were in a position where you were continuously regressing for a certain amount of time, I would probably end the relationship and seek to be friends only.

    I think that you should talk to her about it sooner rather than later if it's getting serious between the two of you.

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  • First off, I'm really sorry for your loss and experience. It sounds horrific. I can't imagine.

    Honestly, I would be hesitant with starting something with someone who's emotionally unstable ONLY because I consider myself to be at the moment as well. I've had a rough year and am in a bad place. I'd be worried we'd drag each other down or that I couldn't lean on an emotionally unstable partner or that they wouldn't be able to lean on me / I wouldn't be able to provide decent support. I for a long time I probably couldn't. So it wouldn't be likely that I'd be willing to "get involved with" an emotionally unstable person during that time. If I in a good place mentally I'd be ok with it and still interested in the person.

    Your question's context changes things a bit though. For one, I don't get the sense she's in a similar emotional place (feeling unstable). Secondly, you guys have already started to get serious so I think she does likely care about you and opening up to her would only (likely) make you closer, if she cares and is an understanding individual. I think also you should open up slowly and maybe not tell her everything that's going on with you at once. Because of how I've been, I haven't been seeking out guys but just friendship with people and I gradually tell people about what's going on and I do so very slowly. I also don't throw out mental health terminology at them right away but let people know I'm having a hard time or feel low instead.

    I disagree and think that you aren't "undatable". Maybe you need time and to take things slow, maybe it'd be helpful to let her know that and why (you don't feel yourself entirely yet and still have a hard time every now and then). I think with something like that it's ok to not feel yourself. Maybe a place to start too would be to include her in an activity or hobby you do as a positive outlet to help cope with what you're going through. Like working out, painting, a sport, music, meditating, cooking or something.

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  • It depends. I dated a marine with ptsd, but that is not why I broke up with him. I was able to deal with that, it wasn't too bad. The partner has to be patient and understanding.

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  • PTSD wouldn't make me not want to date someone. It could cause difficulties but I hope if I really liked the guy we'd be able to work through them. I think i'd need him to really trust me and be open about it though; so I can understand how he's feeling and know how best to help.

    I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and are still going through

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  • If you have your PTSD under control and know how to properly cope with it then it shouldn't be that big of a deal (plus it's very understandable considering what you've gone through), though it's her decision whether or not she feels she can even deal with that. If you DON'T have control of it yet and still feel extremely unstable, though, now probably isn't the right time to be dating anyone.

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What Guys Said 7

  • Intimacy does not just mean having sex. It means revealing yourself unafraid of rejection. You owe her your honesty and sincerity. She now has several months of experience with you and she will know that this doesn't mean that you are going to freak out on her.

    You need to trust her.

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  • Snuggle up together and talk a lot, always keeping that open stream of communication. It'll also help prevent things from escalating when you have one of these spurts. Instead of someone who doesn't understand you and argues and the argument escalates, you can instead potentially find someone very kind and patient and understanding. It all revolves around how well you two communicate your deepest thoughts and feelings.

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  • What matters is that two people who like each other should be honest with each other. Besides, what you have is mild in comparison to what other socially unstable people have (not that I'm implying that your experience is mild, I'm not).

    All I'm saying is that if she cares for you, she will understand.

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  • Sadly bro most girls would view you as "damaged goods" but u didn't do it too yourself. Just pray for your ptsd and yes u need to tell her before you wake up in the middle of the night swinging on her lol jk but seriously and make sure your getting proper help bro join a church and at this point all you can do is trust in God too see results.

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  • You gotta get yourself together before you can work well with someone else.

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  • I think being honest is always the best thing to do. Just talk to her about it and open up.

    Good luck! ;)

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  • Women don't want to deal with your PTSD. Sorry bro.

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