My friend said guys don't want to date me because I'm too intimidating, smart, and sassy? Aren't there guys who would want that?

I'm 21. I've always focused on my academics throughout my life; I have a good head on my shoulders and a quick and sharp mind. It's one thing I do feel grateful for (my genes, upbringing, and ability to help my brain grow as best I can).
I'm also thankful of my genes for giving me a great body and face, and hair. Really, I wouldn't change anything about my appearance. I'm confident but not egocentric; I don't think I'm better than anyone; I'm just "aware" I have some nice physical attributes.

I've had a few bad experiences with men. It's shaped me to not take things in at face value and to make men work for me. As I would do for the right man. I will call out a guy if I disagree; I have no problem saying no; I am quick witted, and for the most part am quite reserved and don't mix with many people in general. I like being silent unless I feel the need to speak out of importance.

I really am kind though, and would do just about anything for anyone. I've been raised that way.

Guys act differently around me than other girls I've noticed. It's like I need to be the one to take initiative, and when I do, they're all for it (unless it's a super confident dude). I think guys give up on me quickly because I'm very reserved and speak truthfully if I speak, and I don't know.. It's ruining all my chances with guys because they never stick around long enough for anything. Also I had a guy friend tell me that it was normal for my boyfriend at the time to be jealous and have control issues because I'm very sexy and have guys after me, so I should just accept it and like him more for it. Is he right? Because of my looks it should be a given for a guy to become controlling and jealous because he loves me and doesn't want to lose me? I didn't buy into that so I left him. I'm just sad and lonely. I didn't know positive attributes & building the "self" or becoming stronger and more sure made it more difficult to form any kind of relationship?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I can only speak for me, I'd get bored if I couldn't have an intelligent conversation with a gal. Looks will matter to get someone attracted to you, and then everything else (personality, intelligence, etc) takes over. This isn't to mean to let your looks go, they just don't matter as much as in the beginning. Go with what the gals here have said, don't change yourself for a guy. Both you and he won't like the outcome.

    As for your past experiences, I can see why you do some of the things you do. I do them as well (for a totally different reason, but that's neither here nor there).

    And no, because of your looks, it SHOULDN'T (don't ask), matter that a guy become controlling. There are two reasons for this that I won't go into now.

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    • What are the reasons? I'm curious.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, lower yourself in any way for a GUY.
    You will find a guy who is on the same level as you, you literally just have to wait and continue being your amazing self until it happens. But don't go feeling like you need to come off as less intelligent and witty and aware in order to attract a guy---because the only guy that will attract is one who's on the same level as the girl you're PRETENDING to be, not the girl you ARE.

    There are men out here who are just as smart and wonderful as you and don't settle for ANYTHING less. In fact, aim for someone even BETTER than you. Who can push you to be your very best best. That's what you deserve, not some scrub with fragile masculinity that's going to be constantly paranoid you'll find somebody better. The only guy who's worried his woman will find someone better is the guy that KNOWS he isn't on her level.

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What Guys Said 13

  • In answer to your first question, most men are attracted to, not intimidated by intelligence. Your friend is trying to build your self esteem, but putting men down isn't a good way to do it.

    As for jealous and controlling what exaclty are you talking about? Most of the time this behavoir comes fron bad past experiences with cheaters. Some guys do take it too far, some are just acting stupidly out of a comination of love and fear.

    But what exactly are we talking about behavoir wise?

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    • Like if I was talking to a co worker and he saw me, he would get very heated and make a comment or ignore me as if I did something TO him. Or, trying to fill all my time and not letting me do things otherwise... If I said I had other plans he would make me feel guilty. Just a couple of examples.

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    • I feel ya! That's most likely that's it

    • That's most likely it* lol extra word there

  • No, you shouldn't accept abuse from a guy but at the same time, making yourself so hard to get is driving away most if not all of the good guys. In my experience it's more common for the guy to obsessively pursue a girl like that out of pride than devotion. I knew a girl similar to the way you describe yourself and I "pursued" her for months. I'd never make the mistake of working so hard to get a girl again. I've had bad experiences with girls and in my view girls that are that high maintenance will always disappoint if not totally burn a guy.

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  • Well it is up to you if you want to believe what your friends say.. but bottom line.. it is up to you do change your ways.. if you think that is the issue.. one problem may be you listen to much to what others think about you.. maybe they are the ones that are intimidating.. and putting their problems on your shoulders.. you sound to me like you have it all together.. hope all works out for you in the long run.. take care

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  • I'm sure there are guys who will think you're intimidating because you're so smart and self-reliant... My opinion on that is... You didn't want to date those guys anyway.

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  • Im a very attractive, smart and blah blah fucking blah be honest would you date me, come off your high horse and be humble cuz it's a specific group of guys out their waiting on girls like you so they can break you and make you feel lower than dirt and use u due to your narcissism seriously thank God for your parents and upbringing cuz without him you could easily be nothing. Their not intimidated by your blessings their just waiting for you too be down to earth and by the way there's people with more than one college degree that are struggling thanks too a fuck ed up economy so your intelligence especially in God's eyes amount too... SHIT!

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    • Meh, I don't see why people need to be so hateful

    • It's for your own good or u will suffer the consequences of your narcissism by enduring a broken heart. Jus saying, no guy will stay with u for long unless it's a toxic relationship and he's benefiting in some way like sex and probably will cheat on u as well with normal bitch not a super bitch who u claim to be smh people really are full of themselves & by themselves I mean a pile of "SHIT.. I personally wouldn't even look yo way cuz if I did I would stroke your ego and u would swear I like u smh I was the handsome guy in school that couldn't stand bitches like u and purposefully would choose a more humble girl to show y'all that y'all ain't worth shit.

    • Narcissism is the belief that you are the most important person and that the world revolves around you. All I stated was what I believe to be my good assets. I am not narcissistic one bit.

  • Nah, you need a surfer dude.

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  • As for your ex b/f. No, that's a dumb reason and you were smart enough to figure that one out. So it sounds like you know what you are doing. It's most likely not you, but guys, in general, this day and age. Look for older guys. Like 28+. These guys are much different than the early-mid 20's generation of guys right now. Most of those dudes are morons. It's like night and day.

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    • My ex boyfriend was 29..
      :/ unfortunately age isn't that much of a factor sometimes

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    • lol what do you mean comes from?

    • I just meant I wanted to see a picture to go with your post!

  • your clearly not as confident as you think you but yeah there are guys like me who like strong women

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  • He was being polite. :/

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    • Huh?

    • Whatever his message to you was, it was worded in a way to soften his impression of you and whatever is going on in your life.

  • Super confident guys... Yea... But there aren't too many of them...

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  • need a video for this.

    I would say no.

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  • you sound too much of a unicorn (and maybe a little bit conceited pseudo-humble) but i definitely dig girls like what you describe. only lower consciousness average societal men reject you, it can't be quality guys.

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    • I'm just confident in what I do have going for me. I don't mention negative traits because I'm not trying to focus on them. Being raised in a society that makes you feel like you shouldn't be able to accept yourself, I find it to be an important thing everyone should do. Everyone should praise themselves. Why the self hate?

  • It seems you're projecting that you're not interested in guys around you. The fact that when you take initiative they're 'all for it' suggests that the problem is NOT that guys dont' want to date you.

    It's that they think you dont' want to date them.

    How's your flirting? Terribad?

    As for controlling, can you be a little more clear about what you mean? GIve some actual examples?

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    • If I am really interested in a guy, I will take initiative. I've asked guys out and on dates before. I flirt but in my own way. In text I flirt way more.

      For controlling, I mean making me feel guilty if I make plans with anyone else; I can't have any guy friends; once at work I snagged a ride home from a co worker who was years younger than me and my then boyfriend just was very bothered by it and stated i should have asked him, from here on out he will take me, etc. My ex even started commenting on what I wore.. If I dressed up and he didn't he acted irritated at me?

    • It doesn't sound like you actually have a problem with dating then, just that you need to take initiative more than the average girl, and when you do, your success rate is pretty good. If that's the case, it's nothing to be -worried- about. Maybe you're thinking 'am i not desirable'? But it doesn't seem that's the case.

      And that's underlined by the fact that one (or more?) ex seemed pretty convinced tons of guys wanted you. I wouldn't be stunned if he's right. Never understood the guys who worry about their girlfriend dressing up and looking hot, personally i love that. On the car ride, if i interpreted the other guys behavior as trying to win points with her, or her without even realizing it using a guy who clearly was crushing on her, i'd probably try to get that to stop.

    • Agreed. I do need to make my interest more obvious at times because 80% of the time it's in my head. I live more in my head than I should maybe, which is also why I don't take huge risks with guys... Sometimes it's nice fantasizing about things rather than actually having them happen. But thank you, I will try & practice putting myself out there more in a more obvious way. As I've been told, guys can't read minds or signs too well:b or people in general.

What Girls Said 2

  • I don't think you should have to change yourself for a man. You sound like you may intimidate some men, but I'm guessing they wouldn't be the right ones for you anyway. No I don't think a man should be controlling and jealous, that is a man with issues, you did the right thing. It makes me sad that you question yourself, when you are simply weeding out the guys who do not deserve you.

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  • You sound like me and more of what I wanna be-happy/content/confident/comfortable with my body.

    I have similar issues and just basically wait for the guys because I get approached by low lives-guys not in school and working minimum wage OR I have to approach guys who turn out to be beta

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