Should I let ths be our goodbye?

She was a junior. I was a senior. We're kindred spirits, similar life philosophies, similar fears and beliefs that we're not good enough. We got to know each other just by hanging out and playing video games for a couple of months. Then I gave her a Christmas present (a year ago) and everything changed. It was a shirt that had all our inside jokes on it.

I was trying to take it slow because she was in a relationship on facebook, albeit she never mentioned him. And although she started blushing and fidgeting and letting her lip quiver when talking to me, after I gave her this gift, she would wander away and disappear sometimes. I told her I had a crush on her to get it out in the open, and, of course, she told me about the boyfriend. But that was it.

Over the months until my graduation, our dynamic never really changed. She'd smile and blush; we'd fall asleep on couches together sometimes; she gave me a graduation gift; but nothing ever happened, and the boyfriend remained in the background and was never mentioned.

Once I graduated, things got too hard for me. I knew she was with her boyfriend over the summer, and I couldn't move on and, in August, I wrote her a letter telling her that I loved her, but I couldn't be her friend anymore because it was too painful.

There wasn't any contact until, as an alumni, I returned to campus for homecoming. She found me, apologized for everything, we fell asleep in each other's arms, and she told me she loved me. Additionally, I found out that her boyfriend is controlling, makes her feel shitty all the time, and might be cheating on her. The next day, I told her that she shouldn't be with him, but that she shouldn't be with me either because I'm too obsessive. In truth, I said that because I realized how bad this guy is for her, and I wanted to convince her to leave him and not let my feelings get in the way...

After winter break, I went back to campus to give her her Christmas present - a photo book that I made of our memories together. She surprised me with a gift she had for me - a candle scented like spring.
Now we've said goodbye, and it feels like the end. We each have mementos to remember each other and we can walk away without any animosity. It almost feels poetic if now I don't contact her and I let her exist as my memory. And yet part of me wants to call her and tell her I lied and that I still love her...
Bump 2!


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