I am extremely jealous of my boyfriends 17 year old daughter? HELP?

My boyfriend has a 17 year old daughter who is not biologically his but he raised her. She is basically his ex step daughter.
we got into a fight about her today because he bragged that he would put out money and fix the car he gave her but would not put another dime into my vehicle so I said why would you do that for her not me. He said because she's my kid, you're not.
We have an equal partnership I'm not supposed to care of you. I said but I'm still the woman you love. He said but I love her more. That ruined my day.. I am still pissed now. How do I get over hating his kids?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • smh, lady you are whack, stop thinking the world revolves around you.
    Grow up.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • This is a very layered topic and I don't recommend giving too much mind to people who instantly trivialize your feelings with a dismissive tone.

    This business of putting kids from previous relationships FIRST and ahead of a current relationship... particularly a stable, long term relationship... is, quite simply, cruel & demeaning. Any soul mate would have a need and desire to feel truly prioritized in someone's life. If a man cannot fully love both his kid and his new woman and make sure that you both feel cherished then he is NOT fit to be bating. You have better ways to spend your time than hurting as the second or third place woman. And at just 18-24 years of age, you're too cute and young to be playing that role. A child's needs should be met and the children should be respected but kids should not rule adult relationships. There are single parents who feel entitled to all the conveniences and benefits of a relationship, without making full effort in return and mistakenly believe their kids are the ultimate sacred trump card that entitles them to this. Your boyfriend may be one of them.

    If a single parent cannot manage to divide their time and attention with possible limited resources then they will always leave their significant other feeling unsatisfied and disappointed. While it's honorable and admirable that he wants to take care of his child, it doesn't seem that he can show his care for you in a sufficient way. Don't listen to these answers then kid yourself and pretend that this does not hurt you as a childfree person. It's a tricky topic to address but studies show that people would have been happier in their relationship if the partner's children had not been there and if you can relate to that then you need to address it in order to move forward with a healthy life. Not only that but if you do not resolve this issue in your mind then you will grow to resent his child and they will KNOW it. They will know that you view them as a burden or a brat standing in the way of your happiness. You are going to fall into depression and get burnt out because so many essential elements of a balanced and healthy partnership are missing from this experience. Considering this truth, it's probably in your best interest to leave.

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    • This is why it's usually best for people with kids to date other people with kids because many childless people want their significant other all to themselves then to eventually create their own family together one day. This is precisely why I will not date a man with kids. How dare you come in my life, want to date me, and want me to accept being a second class citizen in your world.

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    • @AmongTheApples There is nothing fruitful about this dialogue with you.

    • Thanks for mho. How has the situation been? Has it improved?

What Guys Said 17

  • You over reacted, there are ways you could achieve results with a positive attitude. Had you laughed at first and said to Him politely “sweetheart so you won’t help me with my Car also, my Car needs attention” his reaction would have changed. Learn to deal with emotions and jealousy.

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  • He raised her! Also you are an adult and should be capable of putting money into your own car.

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    • @Asker I agree that it's not very reasonable for you to expect that he puts money into your car. Yes, it's nice when our significant others can help us out financially but it's not a duty of theirs.

  • I think it's a given that when you date a man who has a daughter, he'll love the daughter the most. Even if it's not his biological child but it's his child. He raised her and has been with her for 17 years. I honestly wouldn't think highly of a man who puts other people above his daughter.

    Not because he loves his daughter more means that he doesn't love you.

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    • How do I get over it?
      I know it sounds bad.
      But I honestly don't think any woman wants to hear "I love her more" regardless who he is talking about.

    • " How do I get over it?"
      Think about it from his side, would you tell a man that you love him more than you love your own daughter? I highly doubt you would because your daughter always comes first and will be the one you love the most.

      "But I honestly don't think any woman wants to hear "I love her more" regardless who he is talking about."

      I don't think so either. But, I also doubt any woman wants her man to lie to her about how much he loves her. Just appreciate his honesty when he said the truth and since he's very honest like that and will always say the truth even if it hurts you, he didn't deny his love to you, right? That means that he does love you. If you're not at least 1 of the top three women he loves (assuming three women being his mom/family member, his daughter, you) then you'll have a concern.

  • You are absolutely wrong. That is his kid. You're only his girlfriend. You should not have even compared the two. He should love her more. Honestly, I'm shocked at your attitude.

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  • I understand you're jealous: he's gross towards you.

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  • Well be just wants to be a part of their lives. So if it's helping them in any form of course he would. Also if they like you and verbalize it to their dad or step dad it only more improves the chances he will want to stay. So blowing up over them only is going to make him question if dating you was such a great idea.

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    • After that fight the next one might be the last. Cause "blood is thicker than water." And attacking his family is a super low blow the best way now would be to try to maybe be friend the daughter and move on. Cause right now your practically at the entrance of a wolfs den.

  • Yup he's in the right here, looking after his kid like that 😎

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  • you're young yourself. Hoe old is this dude he has a daughter a few years older than u?

    She's 17. It's normal he's helping her... isn't how he treats his daughter his personal buisness? Why do u have emoional that tell me you're entitled?

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  • "She is basically his ex step daughter." Jesus christ how many hands did that poor girl change before she ended up in your mess.

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  • girl my opinion for you is to dump him he love his kid more then you he even sid it so that means he really doesint love you. what kind a man tell a women that you love her and turn around and say oh but i love her more i would of been oh really ok bye done with this person hop this help you i mean he kinda treating you like a dog for that and the real love for his kid thats stupid for him

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    • ohh yea i forgot about this what you side about his child that is not biologically not his kid then that really is a bad sign that mean its really not his kid so he should love you more as to be his future wife or girlfriend but insteed he want to be with his ex girlfriend child that its not even his child its with a other guy child that just wrong to me that guy is fuckt up in his head to me i dont know why people talking shit to you that its clearly is the guy that is crazzy i dont even give a flying fuck that he raised her she is still not her kid so that does not mean nothing why can the mother have her and if the mother doesint want her then give up a adoption but know its to late cuz she is 17 so whatever but still its really fuckt up

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    • @AmongTheApples if that's right what you side then why is he looking for girlfriend he should be thinking about his daughter and caring for her and do whats right for her and worry about yourself to school and getting a job cuz got to have money on the table and not doing stupid shit like dating a girl that you are not going to care for or even loving them cuz love is really a strong word girls really take that love seriously but for man we make mistake and we will apologize that it whent that way but for him doesint look like he didint apologize to her or anything plus not even having time with her is like why is she there for her to sit there look pretty nah fuck that leave him and he will be great by himself with his kid and you know what fine its his kid i dont care but whats wrong with this pic is that he treat his girlfriends like a fucking animal

    • All of you are being selfish and insecure, and demeaning him for his selflessness. All of you have completely glossed over what she said, "…but would not put ANOTHER dime…"

      Stop trying to make it sound as of he's mistreating her. He's already put into her car before. Furthermore, he shouldn't have even done that. She is only his girlfriend.

  • How about paying for your stuff yourself, you gold digger.

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  • Even if it's true he shouldn't say that! What a dickhead move!

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    • Agreed! A man would have to be some super wonderful god for me to want to be with you after that declaration! smdh I have nothing against a man having kids and of course kids should be loved and cared for but that doesn't mean they are a free pass for someone to be a sloppy soul mate/lover/human being.

  • Leave that punk, don't look back..

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  • Anonymous (18-24)... dating a guy who is old enough to have a 17 year old daughter. Um... okay.

    There's your problem right there. Talk about hypergamy.

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  • The loving part was a little rude. Other than that you shouldn't expect him to pay for your car.

    He treats his ex daughter as his own so he has a duty to her. You're just his girlfriend, you guys probably just dated for a while. I don't think you should even be jealous.

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  • It doesn't matter whether she is your boyfriend's biological daughter or ex-step daughter. If he asserts himself as her father, you need to treat him as such and respect his decision. You are not 17, you are an adult so he thinks you should be self-sufficient and pay for your won stuff.

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  • How selfish can you be. Pay for your own dam car, your not a child.
    You ladies want quality so bad, now it's time to step up and prove that you can be equal not just pathetic whiners.

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What Girls Said 23

  • How old are you first of all?

    He's right you AREN'T his kid.
    You're his girlfriend.
    Unless you are looking to be a Sugarbaby then this should bother you.

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  • Oh jesus. She is his child. She will always come first for him. I think that the sooner you accept that without resentment, the better off you'll be.

    Parents love their kids so much that they can lift cars off of their babies with their bare hands. It's not even a rare phenomenon.

    He might love you, but children come first. You work and don't require coddling. You signed up for that when you became equal partners. Unfortunately, those are the breaks. You can't have everything.

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  • I understand why you're jealous. However, I don't think it's something you need to be jealous of. Love for your kid is a different kind of love than love for your partner.
    When you've got a kid, that's someone who depends on you. You've got to take care of them. In a way, it makes sense for him to love his daughter more, because he's known her much longer and parent-child love is just like that. But he doesn't, and cannot, love her in the same way he loves you.
    He protects her because she's his kid--but that also means he can't confide in her. He'll try to hide bad things from her, hide when he's sad, hide his weaknesses. You can be the person he trusts with his secrets. He can't be himself with her, but if he can be himself with you, that's a really rare and valuable thing.
    She can never be his equal, not while he has to help her through life. But you can be. Just because he loves her, doesn't mean he doesn't love you--and he can love you in a way that he'll never love her. Kids need parents, don't hate them because he loves them. Just know you're something different to him--you can never be his kids, but they can never be you, either.

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  • That's messed up you hate his kids you might have an insecurity about yourself that's causing you to be jealous. The love he has for his daughter is different from the love he has for you until you have a child you won't understand that. But if you love him you need to understand that he is a dad and he can't give you all the attention you want. Kids always come first. Stop acting childish trust your boyfriend. You should get to his kids better and if you want attention that badly don't date someone who has kids because their kids will always come before you

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    • Very interesting...

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    • @Esplorare kids should always come first. When you're an adult you have to separate your sexual desires from your responsibilities. Why be with a person who is jealous of affection and hates sharing their lover with a child. That's selfish and inconsiderate.

    • Dating and having a relationship is not just about sexual desires. I'm referring to the concept of childless people dating single parents in general not a situation where the childless boyfriend/girlfriend is jealous of the parent-child relationship.

  • I believe that He has made it quite Crystal Clear here, dear, How he feels With... But I love her more.
    Give him his Walking papers and be on your way. This ride is so over and so should Riding in the back Seat... You are in a defeat with Pete.
    I think we pretty much know where You... Stand with this man.
    I am Not Seeing 'Equal partnership' and Yes, he sure was Right On when he also Said "I'm not supposed to care for you." He Obviously Thinks It should just be the Two Nim rim rods and You are just a Fifth wheel.
    I call This "Two is company and Three is a crowd."
    I Feel that You should be In there Somewhere where Him even Saying: She is One of My Top priorities, you know this, but babe you are very important to me, and I love you Just... As much."
    Now he is showing Partiality, Not Partnership.
    Good luck. xx

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  • Until you raise a kid, you won't fully understand the parental bond between child and parent. So you can't really criticize his love for her, or compare it to his feelings for you because they are completely different. But if you are with a guy and expecting him to pay your way, you should think again, either that or go looking for the type of guy that is looking for a girl like that. Because its his money and he deserves to choose where, how and when to spend it. A wise move would be to try to get to know the kid better, because she obviously means a lot to him, and I'm sure it would mean a lot if you put more of an effort into it.

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  • He sounds like a great dad. You don't have to be biologically related to be an amazing parent.
    As far as I'm concerned, you SHOULD love your children more than anything. You should be willing to do anything for them.
    You sound like you have different priorities to him. Maybe you need to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to drop everything for you, or maybe you should grow up a little.

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  • Kids will always come first. It doesn't matter. He's going to look out for his daughter before he looks out for anyone else. It's probably nothing personal towards you, it's just the fact that his bond with his daughter is different than his bond with you.

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  • I'm sure it was hurtful to hear, but bottom line is - she's his bloody DAUGHTER. He will always love her more than you by default.

    Just because they're not blood related, doesn't mean he shouldn't care for her.

    And why should he put any money into fixing your car? Don't you have a job?

    From how you're behaving it sounds like you're a 17 year old girl. Time to grow up.

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  • His kid will always come first. If you can't deal then you may have to face facts and reevaluate some things

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    • Aside from this particular situation and focusing on the general topic of childless people dating single parents, do you think it's wise for the kid to always come first? I'm genuinely curious to gain perspective on this because I seem to be the only person here who does not think kids should always come first.

      Personally, I think that a child's necessary, centrally important needs should always come first (food, clothing, shelter, adult assistance, ect) but other than that, putting them before everything and everyone else is no way to maintain a healthy potential marriage or household. If kids are always put first when it comes to their wants then it seems likely that they may start running the house and ruling adult relationships. This is where parents put themselves in a position where they can be manipulated and walked all over. I also think it's important for children to not get the false idea that they are the center of the universe, which they are not.

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    • @AmongTheApples, I'm going to reply on my post in a bit so that we're not spamming all over Char

    • After my Taco Bell run lol

  • I have a feeling this dude and I would get along splendidly

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  • sorry but she's his daughter he is responsible of her and there's no reason to make a big fuss about it

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  • It's about time you learnt to stand on your own two feet lady.. Also you need to get it into your head that you will always come SECOND BEST to his child.. Children WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST in any parents life.. Period.

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  • Are you sure you love this guy? Or even he loves you?
    Because then petty or superficial things like that wouldn't make you jealous. He was probably joking with you anyway...
    It seems as though you are not content with him because otherwise you would have supported him in fixing the car for his daughter.

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  • She's her kid.. What do u expect?
    Of course he has responsibilities with her, he doesn't need to pay for your things, taking care of someone else is not easy, taking care of 2 is even harder, don't make it worse for him

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  • He's a douche, dump his ass!

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    • she is jealous of a father taking care of his teenage daughter. do you think before you speak?

    • Let me explain what I meant, he is very rude to the asker. That's why he's a douche.

      Probably should've clarified that (20/20 hindsight here)

      But thanks for that last comment "do you think before you speak?", so polite sir.

    • @truthhammer first of all she is not jealous of the father she think she is but she is not is what the guy side to her that is really wrong to say never say to your own girl that you love her cuz that is a really strong word to say if you really don't mean it then you clearly don't love her and what he side to her he doesint love her he love more to his kid and the big thing about this is his kid that its really not his kid he is not the real father so why the fuck does he even care for the fake daughter that he had with his ex girlfriend i mean if he was with his ex girlfriend then yea take care of her cuz your with her but know your not with this girl you have a new one that has no kid and yet you take your ex kid that really fuckt up why the hell would you even take care of your ex girlfriend kid what is the world becoming know this days

  • what a jerk. that is not okay for him to say something like that to you

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    • huh? You mean he is supposed to not take care of his daughter?

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    • @Jason480 I read the first few or what u wrote. Who hired u to be hero? It'd his daughter not jsut a biological one. U fucking stupid?

    • I agree. His thoughtless comment created an unhealthy, disappointing, HURTFUL dynamic where she probably feels like an outsider to his leftover family. He is not doing a responsible job of acclimating her to what remains from his previous life.

  • That's pretty fucked up. She's his kid.

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  • Why should he put any money out to fix your car? You sound like a spoiled brat. Grow up and fix your own car.

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  • She is his daughter, she will always come first

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    • You act like a kid when his daughter is the teen. Why are you acting like he has to pay your bills? How old are you?

  • Um... Your boyfriend has a daughter old enough to be your sister? I think that's something to take into account. And if you think he's going to put you over his own child then you're sadly mistaken. You'll just have to suck it up and deal with it.

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  • By becoming independent and dating people your owwage without kids...

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  • You sound very bitter and I think it's beautiful that he cares that much about a child that isn't biologically his.

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