I am extremely jealous of my boyfriends 17 year old daughter? HELP?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has a 17 year old daughter who is not biologically his but he raised her. She is basically his ex step daughter.
we got into a fight about her today because he bragged that he would put out money and fix the car he gave her but would not put another dime into my vehicle so I said why would you do that for her not me. He said because she's my kid, you're not.
We have an equal partnership I'm not supposed to care of you. I said but I'm still the woman you love. He said but I love her more. That ruined my day.. I am still pissed now. How do I get over hating his kids?

[Esplorare]

This is a very layered topic and I don't recommend giving too much mind to people who instantly trivialize your feelings with a dismissive tone.

This business of putting kids from previous relationships FIRST and ahead of a current relationship... particularly a stable, long term relationship... is, quite simply, cruel & demeaning. Any soul mate would have a need and desire to feel truly prioritized in someone's life. If a man cannot fully love both his kid and his new woman and make sure that you both feel cherished then he is NOT fit to be bating. You have better ways to spend your time than hurting as the second or third place woman. And at just 18-24 years of age, you're too cute and young to be playing that role. A child's needs should be met and the children should be respected but kids should not rule adult relationships. There are single parents who feel entitled to all the conveniences and benefits of a relationship, without making full effort in return and mistakenly believe their kids are the ultimate sacred trump card that entitles them to this. Your boyfriend may be one of them.

If a single parent cannot manage to divide their time and attention with possible limited resources then they will always leave their significant other feeling unsatisfied and disappointed. While it's honorable and admirable that he wants to take care of his child, it doesn't seem that he can show his care for you in a sufficient way. Don't listen to these answers then kid yourself and pretend that this does not hurt you as a childfree person. It's a tricky topic to address but studies show that people would have been happier in their relationship if the partner's children had not been there and if you can relate to that then you need to address it in order to move forward with a healthy life. Not only that but if you do not resolve this issue in your mind then you will grow to resent his child and they will KNOW it. They will know that you view them as a burden or a brat standing in the way of your happiness. You are going to fall into depression and get burnt out because so many essential elements of a balanced and healthy partnership are missing from this experience. Considering this truth, it's probably in your best interest to leave.

[Esplorare]

This is why it's usually best for people with kids to date other people with kids because many childless people want their significant other all to themselves then to eventually create their own family together one day. This is precisely why I will not date a man with kids. How dare you come in my life, want to date me, and want me to accept being a second class citizen in your world.

[Esplorare]

*dating, not bating lol

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples I'm not complicating it; it's a complex situation by nature because the journeys of three different people (minimum) have to be considered.

That's true but we have to be realistic about the fact that a child's role simply cannot offer a parent beneficial factors that impact the health of their emotional and mental needs. Parents have needs that need to be fulfilled too and usually when they neglect them, it effects the child anyway. Happy mom/dad means happy kid. Unhappy mom/dad results in unhappy kid.

Please do not speak for me. Speak for yourself.
I have not taken an extreme position and I have not gotten pissed at "the insanity of her being pissed that he dumb more money into her (his girlfriend's) car instead of his daughter's." I seriously doubt that the asker truly hates this man's child; the post seems more like a momentary, frustrated, illogical fit so it didn't make me feel pissed at all.

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples That's why I'm more interested in exploring the general topic of single parents dating childless people rather than the specific petty nonsense the Asker mentioned. If you're too sleepy, that's totally cool but it would be nice to just honestly explore the possibilities of that situation/solutions without trying to prove another wrong or "debate". I truly want to seek knowledge on this topic so that I know what to do if I'm in that position

[Esplorare]

that's why I talk so damn much ;p

[AmongTheApples]

What I meant was that you're worried about a lot of things that you really shouldn't be. Things that generally aren't a problem, but by focusing on them and fearing that they will be and trying so hard to prevent them, you'll wind up causing them to be a problem when it otherwise wouldn't have been.

When you start dating a man that has a child, if he's a good dad, you should know and expect that he loves his daughter much more than you. That's the way it is and the way that it should be. Now, the longer you date and the more serious you become and really, tbh, the older the child becomes, the more it will shift in your favor.

You can provide for yourself and you don't need to depend on him. It just makes things easier for you if your man helps you, but you don't need his help. The same isn't true of his daughter. She can't provide for herself and she does have to depend on him. If he doesn't do for her, then she has to go without, which is unfair to her.

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples Perhaps... but I just want to cover all bases in advance should I find myself dating a single parent as a childless person. I want to be able to go into this situation with tools to help prevent an emotional mess which will flow over to the relationship between the man and then to the relationship between his children and I.

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples Plus I like to cognitively hoard ;p
See that next comment is where I see a potential problem happening.

Please stop talking to me as if I am the @Asker. It's annoying. -_- I am not the one who mentioned needing a single father to pay for my car or anything of mine so please stop repeating that silly nonsense which you need to exclusively be sharing with the asker, not myself.

It doesn't seem like we can have a discussion about childless people dating single parents because you keep focusing on the details of the particular asker's post?

[AmongTheApples]

No. We can and we are. I'll give you that my prior posts were focused on the asker's situation, but what I just said is true and is what you should expect if you date a guy with a kid who is a good dad. I'm not sure why you would take issue with my last comment. (If it hasn't occurred to you yet, I have a daughter that is not biologically mine, so I am speaking from experience and not being theoretical.)

[AmongTheApples]

Well, I see what you mean about the last paragraph of the comment before last. Disregard it, but everything else is general truth that I can't see why you would take issue with.

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples... We are? Because it seems like you just keep repeating your answer and opinion on the question asker's unique situation. I never even mentioned expecting any man to provide for me and put my needs above his child's. It sounds like you're parroting your viewpoint towards the asker about how she thinks and her own situation.

It's not that I take issue with your last comment, it's that it's sincerely annoying for you to continuously throw out comments that don't relate to me as a woman nor my behavior in that situation. Are you saying what you wish you would have said to other women you dated who acted like that or something?

[AmongTheApples]

I was annoyed at the other guy last night, so I may have been harsh on you. I shouldn't have, but it's possible. However, some of what I said is in relation to what you posted above or else where. But let's start over. What would you like to know?

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples It's not even that I feel like you're being harsh on me but that you were giving me a bunch of information and advice I don't specifically need. Anyhow, thanks for owning up to that.

I guess I'm just trying to formulate a plan for dating a single parent that covers all emotional and mental bases of the parent, the child, and the childless person. I don't think it's fair for single parents who come into someone else's life, want to date them, and tell them that they have to accept their emotional and mental needs coming last or whenever they can get to them. I wouldn't want to take on that 'evil step mother role' but at the same time I would not submit to a relationship dynamic where the child rules an adult relationship which seems like a slippery slope.

[Esplorare]

I'm so interested in this because I kinda sorta have my eye on a single father and I'd like to be prepared to handle the situation well in advance. You said you are a single parent? Or you married a single parent? *your mention of having a child that's not biologically yours*

I've done a lot of research and blog reading on this topic where I've found that sometimes there's a mentality of single parents that can make the situation more turbulent. How would I be able to address that?

[Esplorare]

and thank you by the way for chatting with me about this! I love digging deep into convos like this!

[AmongTheApples]

Just because the child has to come first that doesn't exactly mean that you aren't important or that the child will rule the relationship.

Let's say I have plans with you at four after I finish work, but I get a call from her school saying that she's sick. If I try and find someone on short notice to pick her up for me but can't find anyone, then I'm going to have to cancel or delay our plans and pick her up. That's the way it has to be. You can understand that right?

But I'll give you a different scenario. Let's say I have plans to take you to movie. But my daughter's plans fail through and she asks at the last minute to come with me or do something with her. Would I? No. I already made plans with you and her wanting to do something at the last minute is not a necessity.

You can understand and accept the difference between those two situations right?

[Esplorare]

I guess basically what I'm saying is that I've read several blogs about depressed, miserable childless people who are heavily unsatisfied with their experience while dating a single parent and I'm trying to figure out how I can avoid becoming one of them

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples I'm aware of that but the reality is that there are a ton of situations where the child does essentially end up ruling the relationship at the parent's consent. I'm not talking about NEEDS, I'm talking about WANTS. I've heard of situations where the child's WANTS come before the childless person's emotional and mental needs and that's a dynamic the single parent encourages or does not stop. You sound like a man who knows the difference and can balance but what if I run into a man who doesn't? What should I do about that without having to dispose of the relationship?

[AmongTheApples]

You're welcome. And it had dawned on me at some point recently that might be the case lol (you're being interested in a single father). I can understand what you mean. I'll probably have to think about it because I'm not sure, at least off of the top of my head, of what you could do.

Some parents, single or not, are going to spoil their child and some won't. It really has everything to do with him and their relationship, and not his relationship with his girlfriend or her in general.

[AmongTheApples]

For instance, when my daughter was young, she would throw fits to try and get her way at supermarkets. Everyone else gave in so she kept doing it to them. I, however, never did and she eventually stopped, so she would throw tantrums around others, but she never did around me.

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApple See and that's really what it comes down to! It's not healthy or beneficial for anyone when children are spoiled! Period. That's why they call it "spoiling" lol or in other words diminishing. Whether it's a single parent or a married couple.

*I typed that then you read my mind with your next sentence* lol! I feel like a spoiled child can become a problem when a single parent is dating someone childless. You don't sound like you have any issues because you sound like you know how to set boundaries and maintain balance but unfortunately, not every parent is like that. :/ One of my good friends is a single mom of three *two girls from a divorce and one son from a relationship with a slightly crazed former military fighter that just couldn't work*. She would let her daughter be completely inappropriate and do things that were downright unacceptable to the guy she was dating because that was her "little angel" and she loved her like she loved no one else :/

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples (cont.) She would let her daughter misbehave in a way that made him feel burdened then feel bad when he subliminally hinted that her daughter was out of hand. It got to a point where I just had to be honest with her and tell her she was sabotaging a relationship with the best guy she's ever dated!

I don't know I don't want to be dismissive of a single father but I also don't want to embrace him then his situation makes my life miserable :/

[AmongTheApples]

There are plenty of children raised in two parent families that never get punished for their inappropriate or harmful behaviors for the same reasons ("he's are little angel" or "isn't it so cute when she does that" [sic, no it isn't. It's rude and disrespectful]).

I'm not denying that it might be more prevalent among single parents. I can understand why it might be. How much more prevalent? It's hard to say. I just know that I have never allowed my daughter to do that because she, biological or not, is a reflection of me. And children who are allowed to behave that way generally do not grow up to contribute to society nor do they usually become happy later in life.

I'm obviously biased, but I don't think that you should just dismiss him. You just have to try and find out who he is and what he believes and what kind of parent he is.

[AmongTheApples]

by the way, she has never made me feel as if she is a burden. She is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Every sacrifice that I have ever made for her has been well worth it.

[AmongTheApples]

What did you decide?

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples I am aware of that, but I have noticed that it usually is more prevalent among single parents possibly because so many of them may feel lonely or feel like their child is the only one who truly loves them for sure and will not give up on them so they basically become pushovers. It can totally happen with two biological parents but based on what I've seen, it usually doesn't because they work together as a team to cut that weed before it grows. They work as a unit to prevent that behavior from occurring.

I'm torn. I don't want to be dismissive but I also don't want to invite a bunch of BS into my life. I have finally cleared my life of nonsense and developed a stable sense of harmony so I am extremely selective about what men I let get close to me because I know there are many who will shatter that.

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApple It's wonderful that you have never felt like your non-biological daughter is a burden. :) Good for you and her. She's one of the lucky ones.

I haven't made my decision just yet. I don't mean to be a bitch or be harsh, but realistically I think that children from previous relationships can become a burden. :/ In pure truth, the situation can become a heavy, excessive weight and I know that some single parents do not help with that weight. Whether they intend to or not, they ADD ON to that weight by allowing certain situations to occur or simply not acclimating the childless person to their leftover family. I am too young and cute for all that stress lol I don't know, just trying to approach the situation logically and realistically with truth.

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples

Also, usually if one parent is passive, the other makes up for it. Sometimes that's not the case but I have several friends with kids where one of them is blatantly more passive and will let A LOT slide/doesn't approach the child assertively and kinda sorta basically lets their kid be an asshole even to THEM/lets the kid get away with not showing them respect as an adult and a provider. So it's the other parent who's more likely to address that shit immediately with a stern voice and a punishment.

[AmongTheApples]

I agree with pretty much everything that you said. But you don't know if that applies to him and his kid or not. It matters how he was raised and what he believes and what kind of a parent he is. If you don't believe that you can handle it or if you aren't attracted or like him enough to find out for sure and are, therefore, comfortable allowing the fact that he probably does those things since it seems as if a lot of single parents do decide it for you, I understand. I guess that it comes down to how attracted you are to him, how good of a guy you think he is (and perhaps how good of a kid that you think his kid is), and how happy that you believe you and he could be together. You got to consider the risk and effort versus the possible reward I guess.

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples There is nothing fruitful about this dialogue with you.

[Esplorare]

Thanks for mho. How has the situation been? Has it improved?

[Melirain]

I understand why you're jealous. However, I don't think it's something you need to be jealous of. Love for your kid is a different kind of love than love for your partner.
When you've got a kid, that's someone who depends on you. You've got to take care of them. In a way, it makes sense for him to love his daughter more, because he's known her much longer and parent-child love is just like that. But he doesn't, and cannot, love her in the same way he loves you.
He protects her because she's his kid--but that also means he can't confide in her. He'll try to hide bad things from her, hide when he's sad, hide his weaknesses. You can be the person he trusts with his secrets. He can't be himself with her, but if he can be himself with you, that's a really rare and valuable thing.
She can never be his equal, not while he has to help her through life. But you can be. Just because he loves her, doesn't mean he doesn't love you--and he can love you in a way that he'll never love her. Kids need parents, don't hate them because he loves them. Just know you're something different to him--you can never be his kids, but they can never be you, either.

[Paris13]

I believe that He has made it quite Crystal Clear here, dear, How he feels With... But I love her more.
Give him his Walking papers and be on your way. This ride is so over and so should Riding in the back Seat... You are in a defeat with Pete.
I think we pretty much know where You... Stand with this man.
I am Not Seeing 'Equal partnership' and Yes, he sure was Right On when he also Said "I'm not supposed to care for you." He Obviously Thinks It should just be the Two Nim rim rods and You are just a Fifth wheel.
I call This "Two is company and Three is a crowd."
I Feel that You should be In there Somewhere where Him even Saying: She is One of My Top priorities, you know this, but babe you are very important to me, and I love you Just... As much."
Now he is showing Partiality, Not Partnership.
Good luck. xx

[Stacyzee]

How old are you first of all?

He's right you AREN'T his kid.
You're his girlfriend.
Unless you are looking to be a Sugarbaby then this should bother you.

[OrdinaryGentleman]

I second this.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a given that when you date a man who has a daughter, he'll love the daughter the most. Even if it's not his biological child but it's his child. He raised her and has been with her for 17 years. I honestly wouldn't think highly of a man who puts other people above his daughter.

Not because he loves his daughter more means that he doesn't love you.

[Asker]

How do I get over it?
I know it sounds bad.
But I honestly don't think any woman wants to hear "I love her more" regardless who he is talking about.

[Opinion Owner]

" How do I get over it?"
Think about it from his side, would you tell a man that you love him more than you love your own daughter? I highly doubt you would because your daughter always comes first and will be the one you love the most.

"But I honestly don't think any woman wants to hear "I love her more" regardless who he is talking about."

I don't think so either. But, I also doubt any woman wants her man to lie to her about how much he loves her. Just appreciate his honesty when he said the truth and since he's very honest like that and will always say the truth even if it hurts you, he didn't deny his love to you, right? That means that he does love you. If you're not at least 1 of the top three women he loves (assuming three women being his mom/family member, his daughter, you) then you'll have a concern.

[Pyrofox]

Well be just wants to be a part of their lives. So if it's helping them in any form of course he would. Also if they like you and verbalize it to their dad or step dad it only more improves the chances he will want to stay. So blowing up over them only is going to make him question if dating you was such a great idea.

[Pyrofox]

After that fight the next one might be the last. Cause "blood is thicker than water." And attacking his family is a super low blow the best way now would be to try to maybe be friend the daughter and move on. Cause right now your practically at the entrance of a wolfs den.

[Vtachy]

Until you raise a kid, you won't fully understand the parental bond between child and parent. So you can't really criticize his love for her, or compare it to his feelings for you because they are completely different. But if you are with a guy and expecting him to pay your way, you should think again, either that or go looking for the type of guy that is looking for a girl like that. Because its his money and he deserves to choose where, how and when to spend it. A wise move would be to try to get to know the kid better, because she obviously means a lot to him, and I'm sure it would mean a lot if you put more of an effort into it.

[rsstanford]

That's messed up you hate his kids you might have an insecurity about yourself that's causing you to be jealous. The love he has for his daughter is different from the love he has for you until you have a child you won't understand that. But if you love him you need to understand that he is a dad and he can't give you all the attention you want. Kids always come first. Stop acting childish trust your boyfriend. You should get to his kids better and if you want attention that badly don't date someone who has kids because their kids will always come before you

[Esplorare]

Very interesting...

[Esplorare]

Am I the only woman here who believes that kids should not always come first?

I believe that a child's NEEDS should always come first but a child's WANTS don't always have to and they should NOT ALWAYS come before our needs. When you are seriously in it for the long haul and want a lifelong partner, their needs must become a priority as well. Children will grow up eventually and form partnerships of their own then start families of their own then where will the parent be? Alone, because they chose to put their children above a potential loving relationship. Unless the intention is to grow old with a child... in that case, one better make a great mother/father in law and I wish them good luck with that!

[Esplorare]

Really interested in this topic overall and curious to hear your thoughts! *not seeking some silly debate*

[rsstanford]

@Esplorare kids should always come first. When you're an adult you have to separate your sexual desires from your responsibilities. Why be with a person who is jealous of affection and hates sharing their lover with a child. That's selfish and inconsiderate.

[Esplorare]

Dating and having a relationship is not just about sexual desires. I'm referring to the concept of childless people dating single parents in general not a situation where the childless boyfriend/girlfriend is jealous of the parent-child relationship.

[akanetuk]

You over reacted, there are ways you could achieve results with a positive attitude. Had you laughed at first and said to Him politely “sweetheart so you won’t help me with my Car also, my Car needs attention” his reaction would have changed. Learn to deal with emotions and jealousy.

[Esplorare]

This is such a constructive answer!

[9mfeo]

Oh jesus. She is his child. She will always come first for him. I think that the sooner you accept that without resentment, the better off you'll be.

Parents love their kids so much that they can lift cars off of their babies with their bare hands. It's not even a rare phenomenon.

He might love you, but children come first. You work and don't require coddling. You signed up for that when you became equal partners. Unfortunately, those are the breaks. You can't have everything.

[GingerBear]

He sounds like a great dad. You don't have to be biologically related to be an amazing parent.
As far as I'm concerned, you SHOULD love your children more than anything. You should be willing to do anything for them.
You sound like you have different priorities to him. Maybe you need to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to drop everything for you, or maybe you should grow up a little.

[MaskedSanity]

I'm sure it was hurtful to hear, but bottom line is - she's his bloody DAUGHTER. He will always love her more than you by default.

Just because they're not blood related, doesn't mean he shouldn't care for her.

And why should he put any money into fixing your car? Don't you have a job?

From how you're behaving it sounds like you're a 17 year old girl. Time to grow up.

[Kayver]

Kids will always come first. It doesn't matter. He's going to look out for his daughter before he looks out for anyone else. It's probably nothing personal towards you, it's just the fact that his bond with his daughter is different than his bond with you.

[Jason480]

girl my opinion for you is to dump him he love his kid more then you he even sid it so that means he really doesint love you. what kind a man tell a women that you love her and turn around and say oh but i love her more i would of been oh really ok bye done with this person hop this help you i mean he kinda treating you like a dog for that and the real love for his kid thats stupid for him

[Jason480]

ohh yea i forgot about this what you side about his child that is not biologically not his kid then that really is a bad sign that mean its really not his kid so he should love you more as to be his future wife or girlfriend but insteed he want to be with his ex girlfriend child that its not even his child its with a other guy child that just wrong to me that guy is fuckt up in his head to me i dont know why people talking shit to you that its clearly is the guy that is crazzy i dont even give a flying fuck that he raised her she is still not her kid so that does not mean nothing why can the mother have her and if the mother doesint want her then give up a adoption but know its to late cuz she is 17 so whatever but still its really fuckt up

[AmongTheApples]

First off, for the love God and the sanity of all those misforunate ones who try to understand your drivel, get a grammar book as fast as you possibly can. Second, that is his daughter. It doesn't matter donated sperm for her. He raised her. Maybe when you actually raise a kid you'll understand the parental bond a little better. Third, of course, he will and should always love his daughter more than his girlfriend. Seriously dude, what is a matter with you?

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples Maybe English isn't his first language...

[Jason480]

@AmongTheApples so your telling me that if you love some one you should turn around and lie to her face saying that you love her that he clearly does not why the fuck you would be with her in the first place and donating sperm from an other girl wtf that's stupid why would you even donated sperm to get some one else pregnant and then give it to the girl giving her pressure that she does not need and top of that not loveing her is really a big thing love is not like a fucking joke to play with it does sounds like you don't take love really seriously then if you agreed to the guy cuz if it he was with this girl and got her pregnant then yea its yours kids and your kid have to come first but no thats does not matter cuz what your telling me oh doesint matter donating sperm for her is ok all right sure this world is really fuck up as it is all i have to say is that i would only take care of my child not someone else child know if im with someone that has a child yes i would take care

[Jason480]

of them but if im not with that girl then there is no reason for me to take care of them its not my kid its not my responsibility to take care of someone child that im not with them anymore

[AmongTheApples]

You think that he doesn't love her because he loves his child more? No. He should love his child more than his girlfriend.

It doesn't matter who her biological father is. He is her dad. He raised her and bonded with her when she was young. He taught her everything she knows and the interests that he helped cultivated will lead her to the profession she chooses. He watched her grow from a child to a 17 year old teenager and taught her the way of the world. When she was disappointed or heartbroken, he comforted her and mended her broken heart. When she thought the world and everyone on it sucked and she just wanted to die, he had patience with her and restored her faith in humanity and gave her the strength and courage to go on. The principals that he taught her will be responsible for the life she winds up leading.

It takes minutes for anyone to become a father. But there is so much more to being a dad. As I said, if you ever actually raise a child, maybe then you'll understand.

[Jason480]

@AmongTheApples my question to you is that the way it sound like is like you donating your sperm to a strange girl and you want this babe wtf is that to me thats not right in my opinion and it does not matter who is her biological father yes it does matter cuz one way or another she has the right to know who is her real father is its like having a girl got her pregnant and you got arrested did something really stupid and he never seen his child grow up for like ever and the guy never know if his girl is seeing someone or not that kind of things just make me sick know lets just say if you got a girl that can't have kids cuz her pregnancies can't have babe its a decays and you can get kids your not shooting blanks for that reason then yes you can donating sperm and when it comes up congrats you guys got kids and the other way around that you can have kids cuz you shooting blanks then same way she can do that and great got kids but what im saying that you both can have it its is really f up

[AmongTheApples]

You obviously don't speak English. I didn't literally mean that the other guy donated sperm for him. That is a common insult said in the US in reference to parents who abandon their kids. This girl knows who her biological father is, but he doesn't want anything to do with her. Her boyfriend stepped up and filled that void. What he did should be admired, not degraded the way you and several others are doing. Without her boyfriend, that poor child would have grown up alone without a dad. And you and everyone advocating for her to come between them is really getting to me. This guy is hero and he saved that poor child so much heart ache and so deficient without him.

[AmongTheApples]

👆I didn't literally mean that the other guy donated sperm for her.

[AmongTheApples]

👆This guy is a hero and he saved that poor child so much heart ache and she would have grown up to be so deficient without him.

[Jason480]

@AmongTheApples yea sure ok she will never be alone she has a mother why can she be with her can you tell me that and if not he is not the hero cuz right there he should be thinking shit why the hell did i bring her into this world cuz right now he is stuck with her that child and jobs you clearly ended your life story you can't even date any girl and guess what he was doing oh he is dating a girl that he shouldent have cuz you got a child there is lots of girls that are not ready to be a mother of the age of 20s age of 20s are more like doing stuff for myself and getting a job and what he looks like he doesint want to be alone he want a girl but look at the problem you got a child with you and for that i want you to understand that cuz it sound like you don't get it

[AmongTheApples]

As I said man, you just aren't going to get it until a child looks up at you and calls you dad. You may think that she is a burden to him, but she isn't. She is the greatest thing that ever happened to him. Everything that he has given up for her has been well worth the price.

[Jason480]

@AmongTheApples a hero you don't even know whats a hero caring a child does not mean he is a hero you just care for her that's all hero is more like you being a police officer or a firefighter know those are real hero risk there life to save some one else life and that goes for police trying to make the world peace unlike war and racism and we are still doing that noting good for this world so hero you say you don't know shit about hero

[AmongTheApples]

Dude, come on. You're being too literal.

[Jason480]

@AmongTheApples if that's right what you side then why is he looking for girlfriend he should be thinking about his daughter and caring for her and do whats right for her and worry about yourself to school and getting a job cuz got to have money on the table and not doing stupid shit like dating a girl that you are not going to care for or even loving them cuz love is really a strong word girls really take that love seriously but for man we make mistake and we will apologize that it whent that way but for him doesint look like he didint apologize to her or anything plus not even having time with her is like why is she there for her to sit there look pretty nah fuck that leave him and he will be great by himself with his kid and you know what fine its his kid i dont care but whats wrong with this pic is that he treat his girlfriends like a fucking animal

[AmongTheApples]

All of you are being selfish and insecure, and demeaning him for his selflessness. All of you have completely glossed over what she said, "…but would not put ANOTHER dime…"

Stop trying to make it sound as of he's mistreating her. He's already put into her car before. Furthermore, he shouldn't have even done that. She is only his girlfriend.

[Katerina_Belle]

Are you sure you love this guy? Or even he loves you?
Because then petty or superficial things like that wouldn't make you jealous. He was probably joking with you anyway...
It seems as though you are not content with him because otherwise you would have supported him in fixing the car for his daughter.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter whether she is your boyfriend's biological daughter or ex-step daughter. If he asserts himself as her father, you need to treat him as such and respect his decision. You are not 17, you are an adult so he thinks you should be self-sufficient and pay for your won stuff.

[Anonymous]

The loving part was a little rude. Other than that you shouldn't expect him to pay for your car.

He treats his ex daughter as his own so he has a duty to her. You're just his girlfriend, you guys probably just dated for a while. I don't think you should even be jealous.

[Imafreespirit]

She's her kid.. What do u expect?
Of course he has responsibilities with her, he doesn't need to pay for your things, taking care of someone else is not easy, taking care of 2 is even harder, don't make it worse for him

[jman46241]

He raised her! Also you are an adult and should be capable of putting money into your own car.

[Esplorare]

@Asker I agree that it's not very reasonable for you to expect that he puts money into your car. Yes, it's nice when our significant others can help us out financially but it's not a duty of theirs.

[Anonymous]

Um... Your boyfriend has a daughter old enough to be your sister? I think that's something to take into account. And if you think he's going to put you over his own child then you're sadly mistaken. You'll just have to suck it up and deal with it.

[OrdinaryGentleman]

smh, lady you are whack, stop thinking the world revolves around you.
Grow up.

[SolitaireBond]

It's about time you learnt to stand on your own two feet lady.. Also you need to get it into your head that you will always come SECOND BEST to his child.. Children WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST in any parents life.. Period.

[CHARismatic110]

His kid will always come first. If you can't deal then you may have to face facts and reevaluate some things

[Esplorare]

Aside from this particular situation and focusing on the general topic of childless people dating single parents, do you think it's wise for the kid to always come first? I'm genuinely curious to gain perspective on this because I seem to be the only person here who does not think kids should always come first.

Personally, I think that a child's necessary, centrally important needs should always come first (food, clothing, shelter, adult assistance, ect) but other than that, putting them before everything and everyone else is no way to maintain a healthy potential marriage or household. If kids are always put first when it comes to their wants then it seems likely that they may start running the house and ruling adult relationships. This is where parents put themselves in a position where they can be manipulated and walked all over. I also think it's important for children to not get the false idea that they are the center of the universe, which they are not.

[Esplorare]

Really interested in this topic overall and curious to hear your thoughts! *not seeking some silly debate*

[CHARismatic110]

@Esplorare yeah I get what you're saying. And it's tricky because you don't want to create some spoiled, entitled brat. I guess it's all about balance. And I also think it's difficult for people without children to grasp the concept. It's always going to seem like a competition. I don't feel like he should've told her that he loved his daughter more. That was unfair.

[Esplorare]

That was messed up on his part. At that point, it's almost like he made it a competition whether he intended to or not smdh which is REALLY fuqed up because he's already basically said "I want to date you and I want you to accept being second woman." Christ!

This topic is really interesting! I think it's so important for it to be explored because it's likely that by the time most people in here find 'the one' they may have a kid or two or more. How would you approach dating a guy with children? I don't usually date guys with kids but I want to be careful about being dismissive because that's not necessarily fair and I know it can be hurtful. But I also don't want to date a guy with kids who will let his child rule our adult relationship

[CHARismatic110]

@Esplorare I personally wouldn't mind dating a guy with a kid. But there has to be balance. I know that the kid will play a big role in the guy's life and that's fine. I just need to know that I matter as well.

[Esplorare]

Do you have any idea how one goes about achieving that balance yet establish respect/not becoming an outsider who has to compete to get in?

[AmongTheApples]

@Esplorare You girls don't fully get it. There is no competition--ever. The child always comes first. She should not have had to have been told that. She should have known. When you're a parent, you put--or at least are suppose to put--your child above yourself. Why would he put his girlfriend above someone that he puts above himself? When you're a parent, you often have to go without for your kid, so you're not going to make your child go without to do the same thing for your girlfriend instead.

The asker neglected to say how long she has been with him, but it probably doesn't even compare to how long he has been with his daughter. The highs and lows that they have been through together, the good times and the bad, the tears that they've shed with or for one another, the laughter that they've shared…

He doesn't know whether or not things will workout with his girlfriend, but one thing that he can trust and be certain of is that his daughter will always be there.

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples And that's the way you would personally choose to function given the situation but your choice and your route is not the same for everyone.

Putting your child above yourself does not mean that your child's wants must always come before your emotional and mental needs. This is one reason why some married couples, who create children together, end up getting divorced. They neglect their own mental and emotional needs to cater to a child's WANTS and end up being miserable people in a miserable partnership. Then what example does that set to the children in terms of what a healthy, loving, adult relationship is supposed to look like? I think you are trying to simplify a complex situation that is not going to be the same/require the same solution with everyone who experiences it.

The Asker's situation is separate from the overall concept of the situation which Char and I were discussing

[AmongTheApples]

@Esplorare and I think that you're complicating it. But I'm too tired right now.

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples To be totally realistic, there's no guarantee that his daughter will always be there. Kids will move out, marry, and begin lives of their own. Most of them are not going to put their parent first no matter what once they get a husband/wife and children of their own. Some of them will even drop their parent off to a retirement home for someone else to care for. That's not uncommon :/ Then a parent who thinks like you my realistically end up alone because they chose to put their children above a potential loving relationship. Unless the intention is to grow old with a child, that's just not wise.

[AmongTheApples]

@Esplorare That's not what I meant. His daughter will always be there in some form or fashion.

We've both taken extreme position that neither of us completely actually support. And we've gotten away from the insanity of her being pissed that he dumb more money into her (his girlfriend's) car instead of his daughter's. But again, I'm too tired right now to say anything of substance.

[AmongTheApples]

@Esplorare of her being pissed that he won't dump more money into…

As I said, I'm tired lol

[Esplorare]

@AmongTheApples, I'm going to reply on my post in a bit so that we're not spamming all over Char

[Esplorare]

After my Taco Bell run lol

[AmongTheApples]

You are absolutely wrong. That is his kid. You're only his girlfriend. You should not have even compared the two. He should love her more. Honestly, I'm shocked at your attitude.

[truthhammer]

you're young yourself. Hoe old is this dude he has a daughter a few years older than u?

She's 17. It's normal he's helping her... isn't how he treats his daughter his personal buisness? Why do u have emoional that tell me you're entitled?

[Anonymous]

How selfish can you be. Pay for your own dam car, your not a child.
You ladies want quality so bad, now it's time to step up and prove that you can be equal not just pathetic whiners.

[Opinion Owner]

*equality