Why is it so hard for SO's to accept that their partner has a best friend of the opposite sex?



I've known my best guy friend since we were 11 years old. If something was going to happen, I'm sure it would have by now, but it's not because we're jussssssst friends! We've never dated, never kissed, never had sex, never even had any awkard moments of anything because we're just friends and that boundary has never been crossed. We are literally like brother and sister. I know his family, his family knows mine. That's what happens when you know someone for a million years. Why would this relationship threaten my boyfriend? He says when we hang around, it makes him uneasy. He has friends who are girls too, but I guess none that he hangs out as often as my guy friend.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Every situation is gonna be different, but I think it usually has something to do with the fact that most guys (I think... maybe it's just me, though) are aware of their own drives/desires/attractions, even when it's just a "friend", there's almost always either a current or past sexual or romantic desire/attraction to friends of the opposite sex. It doesn't mean it was ever anything serious, but I think that because guys know that their female friends have probably been the subject of sexual or romantic thoughts even just for a brief flicker of time, they feel like guys who are friends with their girlfriend have at least had that thought at one point in time, and / or given the right conditions / opportunity would at the very least like the idea of having a sexual relationship with their female friend.
    Obviously, like in your case, just because a guy may have had that thought go through his head at one point (or even to this day), it doesn't mean that anything ever would happen, but on some level I think in most cases, guys are pretty open to having sex with any decent looking female.

    Again, I'm not saying this is a 100% rule or that all guys are like this, and I'm not implying that just because that thought crosses a guys mind that it means that the friendship is any less genuine or that there is any serious intention, but it's more like we're thinking "I know you've thought about banging my girlfriend, at least once".
    Maybe it's because we feel threatened by the fact that you've got an emotionally close relationship with another guy, or that you might like/trust another guy more than us, too.

    I hope this makes a little sense at least, and hopefully it's helpful to you, at least to get a glimpse inside the thought process of a guy who's struggled with the same scenario that you/your boyfriend are dealing with.

    I think the best way to make him feel better and more comfortable about your friendship with this guy is to spend time together as a group, and let your boyfriend see that there ISN'T anything there. Make sure you do pay special attention to your boyfriend when you're all together, too... cuddle up to him, be physically affectionate with him, make it very clear that he's special to you. I had a girlfriend once who had a lot of guy friends, and she would run up and jump on / hug her guy friends in front of me, make them carry her around on his back, etc. in front of me, it made me feel like she had more fun / liked them more than me...

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    • Thanks for the explanation. It's just frustrating. I mean, I literally refer to this guy as my brother, and last time I checked I never wanted to have sex with my brother! But I do see your point about the closeness. I have attempted to have us hang out together on several occasions in hopes the two of them would become more friends than anything. My best friend has made the effort, my boyfriend has not, which is when he said, he felt uneasy around my friend. I will try your closeness suggestion though with my boyfriend. Maybe he just needs to feel like "he's the man," hee hee. I can oblige. If this doesn't work though, if it gets out of hand and my boyfriend actually ever says, I don't want you hanging out, it will be so over. My friend is family to me, and I'm not ditching him because another guy has no trust that after practically 20 years of friendship, we're not just that, friends.

    • Yes, definitely you want your boyfriend to feel like he is THE man, second to none, and he gets special privileges and attention that no other guy gets. And that's fair, I think... You wouldn't like it if he spent a lot of time hugging his female friends or making a lot of physical contact, or paying more attention to them than to you, if you were all hanging out.
      Find ways / reasons for them to hang out. Maybe there's a party or event that you and your "brother" would be at together, ask your boyfriend to come with you.
      Don't make it your goal or tell your boyfriend that you want him and your guy friend to become friends, that shouldn't be why you get them together. You just want your boyfriend to get to know this guy a little better and have a chance to see that there's nothing between you two besides friendship, and that you're not shy about showing your guy friend that your boyfriend is your lover, your "dream guy", your macho man, whatever you need to in order to (part 1/2)

    • (part 2/2) make him comfortable that there's no misunderstandings.

      Using my own experience with this situation as an example, I had another girlfriend who had a guy friend (several, actually) who were "best friends" and just like you said, were "like brothers" to her.
      I hated her hanging out with them before I got to know them. She would go to one of their houses and have dinner with their family, take a nap on the couch, watch a movie with them, whatever... All I could picture was worst case scenario (Even though I knew it was 99% sure not to happen).
      Once I got to know them and saw how they acted together, and realized I had ZERO in common with them, I was GLAD to stay home or do my own thing and let her hang out with her friends. No more fear of the unknown, and no desire to be there "supervising".
      Good luck to you guys :-)

Most Helpful Girl

  • I gess it's because you've practically grown up together and you know a lot more about each other then their partner does so they find it a little threatening/intimidating.

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What Guys Said 1

  • "We've never dated, never kissed, never had sex, never even had any awkard moments of anything because we're just friends and that boundary has never been crossed. We are literally like brother and sister." I'll be very accepting of this. But, if a girl had the exact same situation as you but dated the guy or had sex with him even once, I'm calling it quits. I wouldn't be like some of those who roll in and starts to try forcing the girl to choose but same way I understand that he has been her friend for so long, she needs to understand that I might not be so easy knowing that the girl I'm dating is hanging out with some guy which she had sex with before. So, I would just leave, no harm done.

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    • I could see if we'd been in a relationship or dating, even if it wasn't sexual, but especially if it was, where the, "this is my woman" attitude comes from because being 100% honest, I'd be the same way. Even when you break up with someone, you still have some sort of feelings for them and there is always a possibility of re-igniting, but we don't and never had any sort of relationship. Again, I call him my brother, our families have been friends as long as we have, there is nothing going on. I wish my boyfriend could just chill long enough to be open to being friends with him because in my mind, that would be so awesome, having my best friend and the person I really like getting along so we could all hang out from time to time without this weird uneasy tension he has with my friend.

    • Yeah, I totally understand your point. Some men are just very possessive and might not want any man around the girl that they're dating. Some women are that too, it depends on the individual. I understand that he might be a more possessive person than I am but, I would be totally accepting of your relationship with that guy if it's just like how you described it. Since all relationships have their challenges, this is one of yours. If you're willing to hold on to your boyfriend, I would say that what you should do is keep assuring him as much as you can that you love him so much and that he's the #1 guy in your life. It might be annoying for you to keep saying this but, not all challenges are fun. And don't only assure him about this when the topic comes up but just like at totally random times just come up and say some lovey-dovey words. That should give him a sense of security and if he felt secure enough, he might not worry anymore.

What Girls Said 3

  • I wish I knew.
    I told my current boyfriend flat out like "this dude is my best friend. He has been for like 10 years. You gotta be cool with that or we can't be"
    He was like ok.

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  • It's because you are supposed to be his best friend and he's supposed to be yours. It's fine to have friends of the opposite gender. But when you're in a serious relationship, things are different. You're supposed to trust your partner and tell him everything. Tell him your secrets, feelings, jokes, etc. If you don't feel comfortable doing that than try to get comfortable...

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    • Also, when I think about a boyfriend having a close, female, best friend, I don't exactly love the idea... If that's not something that would bother you, then fine. But, eventually, it gets to all of us one way or another.

    • Yeah, no to this. The relationship I have with my boyfriend has is different from the one with my friend. My friend knows my story before I met my boyfriend, and we share a lot of memories, but a lot of things are just private and shared only between me and my boyfriend because we're in a relationship. I'm not in a relationship with my friend. I get that my boyfriend might want a a similar style relationship to my friend, but then I wouldn't want to date my boyfriend, b/c he'd be like my friend whom I don't want to date or be with in any type of way other than in friendship.

  • I'ld be uneasy too if the friendship is too close.

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