Is "fake it till you make it" really good advice for trying to get a girlfriend?

So I hear all the time for people who aren't confident that they should fake confidence to get a girlfriend and basically be someone that they're not. I hear this from both men and women. Because confidence is the one universal mandatory thing people need to get into a relationship according to just about everyone everywhere. But then I hear about wome have relationship issues because a guy changes over time. About how they used to be brimming with confidence and taking the lead but then when they settled into the relationship the guy let his real self out, his passive side out and the relationship takes a dive. It's understandable though, a guy can't live his entire life pretending to be something he isn't that would be exhausting and they do it because they don't want to be alone or feel unloved and basically anyone that offers them advice tells them to be a confident person so clearly this is behavior is encouraged yet it leads to trouble later down the road.

So what should shy guys do? It seems like they're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either they live and die being a virgin who never gets into a relationship, feels love or affection or they fake being a confident person until they get one but then their partner feels cheated.

I feel really bad for shy guys there just seems to be no solution.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You're right, life is very difficult for shy men.
    The thing about confidence is that it's built on positive experience. The reason why we say fake it till you make it is because if you get enough positive experiences you can start to build confidence. If a shy guy gets the girl then he knows that he can do that. She then, loving him, should want to help him improve himself into a confident man. Relationships used to start out with a couple of young people that were growing in life, and they would stick together and help each other grow and mature into adults with positive traits. There is the expression "behind every great man…" well that meant that the woman he was married to was instrumental in helping him become the great man that he was, he was not just born that way. Relationships used to be about standing by someone helping them and supporting them. Now we live in such a throwaway society where we expect our partner to be exactly what we want right from the moment of meeting them which leaves no room for flaws, growth and improvement. So if a guy isn't super confident right from the get go, then you're right: he's pretty much done.
    If a guy can fake the confidence, that means he can have that confidence. Once he gets the girl and she helps him grow and become more confident he becomes more and more what she wants. Instead of having the ego often found in people who are considered naturally confident, rather he has an special appreciation for her for helping him grow and believing in him. Win-win.
    It's unfortunate but nowadays it seems that we expect our relationships to be a purchase with no assembly required. We kind of expect perfection right from the start. Well, nobody's perfect, so we are bound to be disappointed.

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    • But what if he's just a super introvert?

    • he is super introvert for a reason. there are naturally more introverted characters but many are loners for a good reason. crowded places might give him a headache etc but its also that he is shy and doesn't cope well with society's ways.

Most Helpful Girl

  • i hate that piece of advice, shittiest thing on the planet.

    be yourself, work hard, EARN IT and you will make it.

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    • Yeah I just don't get it because I hear it SO MUCH. It's like yeah shy guys have a shit time finding love but there are girls out there that prefer shy guys.

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    • you wouldn't ask this question if subconsciously you didn't know its correct. you pretty much yourself asnwered that they are screwed up unless they fake it till they make it. you realised it your self.

    • @fiodor99 lol ok bro u keep thinking that.

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What Guys Said 9

  • I think you are misinterpreting the statement. Fake it til you make it means this. In the initial stages of a relationship and approaching someone for the first time can be very nerve racking. You are nervous and perhaps not as confident or comfortable as you are normally. So in this instance you try to break your nerves and fake being confident when you know deep down you are shaking inside. But after you start to get to know the person you slowly get more comfortable and start to feel more confident with the situation.

    You haven't changed as a person. Its about showing confidence and strength in a time when you really needed it when maybe nerves could have got the better of you.

    Yes there are shy guys, but usually they will open up to someone once they feel comfortable. Theyre not shy with everyone. Theyre known to be shy because they are shy around people they dont know or when they first meet them. Theyre not really shy around people they do know and are close to. So saying that they are shy all the time and they faked being confident in the beginning and then became shy isn't true. They will become confident with the person once they feel comfortable so being confident at the start isn't really going to change them as a person.

    It will only change them if they were being fake with their personality. Being fake as a person is different and perhaps the phrase of fake it til you make it is a poor choice of words. It isn't about shearing you partner. You always try to remain true to yourself and open up to them to show your true self to them. Being a fake person is bad but to have a good first impression isn't being fake.

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  • We all make tough choices in life. I think a lot of guys want to impress the girl in the early stages of dating and a relationship. As time goes on change always happen. Guys get lazy and laid back and they think the girl won't leave them or isn't going anywhere. I learn never take a girl for granted and never under estimate a girl or a situation.

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  • I used to be one. I'd say it's attitude plus mindset. Not every women is going to like you just like you not going to ask every women out. Confidence is not what others think of you but how you think of yourself. If some young lady doesn't like you for who you are okay take that as a grain of salt and move on. There is a reason you two aren't compatible.
    Don't be afraid to be yourself. I could go on but you get the picture. No matter how intimidating rejection is women are just as scared as men of getting rejected. Just simply say hello to her.

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  • lol fucking fake ass people hahaa.

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  • They have to fake it till they make it. And if they don't make it in time, they'll get spat out.

    It's easier to build confidence when your fake confidence is being rewarded, however.

    The real danger is settling into a relationship where your confidence is destroyed, which happened to me.

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  • I guess I'm old now lol, but I used to be a shy guy, my first 2 girlfriends asked me out. I really don't believe that any guy has to fake confidence, if a man has confidence in himself then it will be apparent and last through out. The only other aspect is the courage to approach ladies and the ability to accept rejection sometimes. That's the hard part..

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  • Sounds like pretty good advice to me, if girls aren't gonna like you then you gotta pretend and although it probably won't last at least you might get sex which is like the reason your even there to begin with, sounds good to me to get a girl just not keep them but I don't really want a relationship so I might have to try it.

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    • This is for guys who want a lasting relationship.

    • well there is hook up "game" and longterm "game". but games are for those willing to play... . i'm not willing to pretend something that i'm not nor to satisfy the foul needs of many women for attention, validation etc.

    • @Asker what is your pseudo-interest about us supposed to mean? it sounds more like a judgment and a pitty-rant than a genuine fruitful interest... .

  • yeah, you got that pretty much right. well i want to die a virgin. i dont like women. i won't change myself for anyone. i dont care being socially acute, funny, exude extreme confidence, to radiate female pheromones or whatever. i want to be the awkward little me. i want to live with my values, my hobbies, my program of never drinking and sleeping at 10 oclock at night. most men in the history of humanity died virgins and never passed over their genes. its an observed fact that those who do, often are the least suitable to be parents but who cares. the world is what it is... .

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    • you don't need women to not be alone and to be loved. just show love to those who truly suffer in this world and you get love back. this world needs its "apostles" its almost heaven's gift that we aren't all the same. the world i guess needs both of us. the "neurotics" as psychiatry says and the "normal" societal sheeple. well the neurotics are the salt of the world. the teachers, the scientists, the philosophers etc.

  • i´ve allways frowned upon the thought of faking. i´m allways who i am. not acting tuff or cool... basically never had a girlfriend. so it´s probably better to fake it xD but i still reject doing so.

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