How would you feel if your boyfriend/girlfriend allowed you to have sex with other people?

I met this guy and we're on the verge of dating. I really like him, and he asked me out, but I didn't give an answer yet because there were certain things I needed to think about. Now I think I've come to a conclusion, that I would like to date him, but one of the problems is that he lives in another city.

I know he's very attached to me sentimentally, but I'm afraid that if ever he meets some girl he wants to have sex with where he lives, and that because of me he doesn't do it, it may cause unnecessary drama. The thing is that I don't feel ready for anything sexual with him yet, so maybe he would hold a slight grudge if he had to sacrifice his sex life for someone who isn't even giving him anything yet... Or else maybe he would sleep with a girl and keep it a secret because he would feel guilty towards me, and that would drive us apart.

Things like that. I actually prefer him sleeping with other girls, than seeing our sentimental bond weakening because of it. The only thing I'm afraid of is that once, during a party, some girl was saying that she had hated it when her boyfriend had told her he didn't mind she slept with other guys -- and the guy I like agreed with her. He wasn't paying much attention at that moment, but it still had me thinking: do guys generally find it repulsive when the girl they like allows them more freedom? Also he has already been possessive with me, and I know I wouldn't even want to sleep with anybody else, so it would be a one way deal.

Thanks for your help!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Honestly to most of us it will seem as if you do not like us enough to want us for yourself. So you're in a tough spot there.

    You don't need to feel bad about this though. Reality is that we know what we're doing when we commit to someone. And we are doing it because being with them and sharing what we share is something we WANT. We're not forced, there's no gun to our head or anything. It is an active choice made fully aware of the likely effects.

    Meaning: Your guy would be choosing you knowing that sex wouldn't really be a thing for the foreseeable future.

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    • well I ended up talking about it to him, and he answered exactly the way you did. I guess I stress too much about forcing someone into commitment, and I forget that it's an "active choice" as you say. Thanks a lot!

What Guys Said 7

  • I'll pick up on your last comment first. If this guy, who you are not actually dating, is already being possessive of you then I would recommend that you walk away quickly. If he is behaving like that now you could have all sorts of problems later. I would suggest not seeing him again.

    I read somewhere that it takes 5 seconds (or something like that) to fall in love. Or alt least know that you want to be with someone. That person you would not want to share. If you don't feel that way about a guy then you are not together, therefore you are not dating and are free to do what ever you like. If in time the two of you develop feelings for each other then you don't have sex with anyone else.

    I've done this with girlfriends of mine, when we are dating we are each others. If we have split up, then we are not together. Just so long as both people know and understand the situation.

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    • about the "possessiveness" part: it's just that when he confessed having feelings for me, he said (a bit jokingly, a bit seriously) he would be very jealous if I started to get into something with another guy. I don't think that's going overboard... I guess jealousy is something you can feel even without dating.

      I have a tendency not to feel jealous over sex though -- if I can't feel that, that doesn't mean what I feel isn't love, or something close to it. I would of course be jealous if I knew he had feelings for another girl: I don't want to "share" him in that way!

  • I would not take her seriously because she thinks I would stoop so low as to cheat.

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    • that's a good point, I have considered that. The thing is I know that during the period he liked me, he slept with another girl. But then again we weren't dating. That's why I've been thinking along those lines though.

  • If my girlfriend said that to me and was okay by it.. I would see no more point in staying with her.. after all she was the one I chose.. not all the rest

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  • It's pretty much the normal in the city I live in, it's an artsy college town.

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    • thanks for not being too critical or harsh -- and yes, I guess that may be the kind of people I hang out with. So maybe it wouldn't be so strange.

    • who cares if both parties consent... however I rarely see that being the case.

  • people seriously think this way? Might as well just right "Welcome" on your back since you are making yourself a doormat. Sounds like you wouldn't be dating anyway so I am not sure what all this convoluted thoughts are.

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    • "convoluted": yes, I'm an overthinker

      "you wouldn't be dating anyway": why not? We would see each other every other week or so. And there are also such things as "long distance relationships". There are plenty of ways to be in a relationship.

      "doormat": no need to be sarcastic though. Yes I'm just an anonymous internet user to you, but I'm actually a real person with feelings. Maybe you could tell I have a tendency to be insecure, but there's no need to rub the salt in the wound!

      no need to be

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    • agressive, condescending, and ultimately unhelpful

    • it's only not helpful to you because you don't want the truth. You want someone to coddle you and support your feelings no matter how silly they are. You've pretty much admitted this. Be strong, have some self respect and either be in a committed relationship with this guy or leave it alone. Don't allow yourself to get caught in this nebulous area, it will only amplify your insecurities and lead nowhere except for pain and regret. You can chose to ignore this advice and blissfully skip your way into a stupid situation or you can take a pause and try to develop some deep introspective. Your choice.

  • I wouldn't have sex with other people, and I'd break up with her is she thought that that was ok.

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    • oh ok. why? because it would feel as if she didn't respect you, or didn't care about you? thanks for your answer though!

    • I believe in committed relationships, not open ones. I'm not one of those sex freaks that we see far too often.

  • HALL PAAAAASS!!!

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What Girls Said 3

  • I don't understand the point of having a relationship if one or both people are still going to be sleeping with other people. I would never want to be in a relationship like that and if my boyfriend suggested it, I would not like it and it would make me reconsider the relationship.

    If you want to have an open relationship then that's something you need to talk to your boyfriend about but it's not for everyone. If he agrees then cool, whatever works for you two. However, you should be prepared in case his reaction is more negative.

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  • That would be great, tbh.

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  • If my boyfriend was ok with me sleeping around and wanted to do the same, he'd be my EX boyfriend.

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    • because you would feel like the other person doesn't care about you, I guess? thanks for your answer by the way

    • Yes, exactly so. I value monogamy and commitment, these are cornerstones to success in a relationship.

      I am willing to bet if this guy likes you, he won't need any "conditions" to be with you. Give him a chance :)

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